Losing one was bad, but two on the same day has destroyed me.

I foster cats for a local rescue.  Yesterday the decision was made to put one of the cats to sleep.  After weeks of work, it was discovered he had an extremely high white blood cell count in everything imaginable.  Operating was the only option to find out the cause, but weight less than 2kg it was felt he would survive the operation or recovery time.  So I book his appointment for that evening.  No sooner as I had done that one of the 4 week old kittens who was being cared for by a surrogate mum took her last breath too.  She had been the smallest and had not had the greatest of starts.  I took all the remaining litter to vets for a check up and we are hopeful the rest are well.  However the ginger boy who was put to sleep has a brother who I also foster.  He now has to have the same test to check if he has the same condition.

I honestly want to quit the fostering now.  I feel I have failed them.

The worst part of rescue/shelter work is losing some of your "charges".You know it happens and try to prepare for it, but that doesn't make it any easier. About the only thing you can do is remind yourself that they most likely wouldn't have experienced love and care without you and that their lives didn't pass unnoticed.

Far more of them will go on to happy and healthy lives because you cared.

On the contrary, just being there and giving them someone who cares about what happens to them is the best gift in the whole world to these little ones. Could you even imagine what their short little existence on this earth would have been like without people like you? Cold and alone, to die without their lives even being acknowledged? People like you make all the difference to them, and I for one salute you. I know the pain is there, it always is for the one left behind, but it is because you have a big heart and want to make a difference in this world. You validated their being here on this earth, showed them that love and care is something that is possible. I wanted to give up many times, my heart has been broken over and over again. I lost a litter of 6 week old kittens, their mother and their uncle, last summer after exhausting and heartbreaking care to save them. It doesn't make sense in our minds or out  hearts why they should die when someone loves and wants them, but they still do and we still mourn. It is one of the great mysteries in this life. 

You did the best you could with what you had, you did not fail them, you cared for them and you were in their hearts when they left, that is all they ever needed.  We always beat ourselves up over the should haves could haves, but that brings nothing but pain. You are SO needed, and have to remember that not everything in this world is pleasant or as we want, that is what makes our successes so much more rewarding. You are doing something good, and will surely be blessed for it, don't give up, now THAT would be a shame. There are too many in this world that are uncaring and evil, you are something we all need, especially those little ones who so desperately need someone to care for and love them. So let us share your grief, you wouldn't feel this crushing pain if you didn't care, but please go on and do what you are doing, it means so much to so many in so many ways. I'll pray for those sweet little ones, and for you to find the strength to go on. We are here for you, let our life's experiences help and guide you, there are many here who will help, you are not alone. Take care.......

Thank you. Your kind words have brought tears to my eyes.  I am mortified, even though I know they are not mine, I love them as though they are.  Nothing in this world could have prepared me for this emotion. I'm not someone who cries easily.  But by God the tears have totally drained me.  The little kitten (Pheonix) is buried in my back garden.  Quest my lovely ginger boy is going to be cremated and bought back home to me.

I'll get there just need a little breathing space to clear my head

Thanks again

xxx

I'm sorry for both your losses. RIP Phoenix and Quest.

How awful, I am sorry 

I'm so sorry for both your losses.  You have not failed anyone.    On the contrary, where would we be without kind people like you?  As you probably know, a high WBC count generally indicates infection.  I hope your other boy is well.  Please let us know how he is and bless you for fostering.