rehoming scared cats

I love my 2 cats but they just moved in a couple of weeks ago, and they are scared of my husband.  One was doing better until last night.  The other one is especially a scaredy cat.  My husband seems to take this personal and thinks that the cat doesn't like him.    He just needed time to adjust,  they haven't been around other people very much.  

The other day the scared one got into the bedroom and got shut in for awhile.  I found him, and fixed the carpet that he tore up trying to get out.  I missed that he had made a mess on my husbands side of the bed.  My husband was already in a bad mood and freaked out and said that it was personal and was going to kill the cat.  Luckily he didn't know where that cat hid so I got to the cat first.  The other one just got yelled at,  but I couldn't get to her because I was protecting the scared one.   We would probably both be in jail if he hadn't calmed down,  I wasn't going to let it happen,  I just don't know if I am physically able to stop him.    I couldn't have even taken it if he had just yelled at the cat,  the cat is scared to death, and it would make no sense to any cat why some crazy person was yelling at them for something they did several hours ago.   I don't understand why he can't understand that the cat is just scared, and that is not the way you deal with any animal.  

He doesn't understand this cat at all.  He thinks he is dumb because he is scared.  He is actually an extremely smart cat.   I think he is jealous of the cats too.  It breaks my heart to give them away,  I have had them since they were kittens.  They are the sweetest cats ever.   They got me through a very rough time in my life when I was extremely depressed.  

I still have the old house,  so I took them with me this morning and left them at the old house while I went to work to keep them safe.  

These cats have been with me since they were kittens.  They follow me everywhere I go like puppy dogs..   Are these kinds of cats able to bond with new people?  

Or has anyone had good luck retraining a husband to understand animal behavior?  

Honestly, it scares me when someone can make threats like that against a defenseless animal. Abuse can start with an animal but it usually escalates to spouses and family shortly after, are you newly weds? If you truly believe he would hurt your cat(s) then I'm nervous for your safety as much as theirs and would be questioning being with someone like that. 

Is he willing to spend time with them? Take time to befriend them at your old house? Do you think he would ever relapse into threats and a physical altercation?

How terribly terribly sad for your cats.  You are their owner and it is your responsibility to be sure they are safe.  Threatening to kill your cats is unspeakable.  Has he never been around your cats before?  Moving is very very stressful for cats. 

It is often best to keep them confined to one room for a few days so that they can acclimate themselves.  All of the unpacking and scattered possessions can cause them so much stress which can lead to illness.  It is not uncommon for a cat to go outside of the box in times of stress.

I am a bit confused why all at once your husband is having issues with the cats?  Has he never liked them? 

If you cannot keep your cats safe then it is your responsibility to be sure they have a safe loving home. 

I am sorry you are going through this. 

  Truly you are in a very rough spot! It is not an unusual situation at all, for many couples, and the issue can be about cats, children, jobs, hobbies, medical issues, etc.  Is there any chance that you and/or your husband would watch "My Cat From Hell" with Jackson Galaxy on Animal Planet? Or read "Cat Confidential"?  Some quick, easy things to try would be play & food: most cats, even scared ferals, will respond to a "teaser" type toy and also some tasty canned food.  If you can get your husband to be willing to try to win the cat's trust, especially with play and treats, that might help - just be sure hubby understands that, unlike dogs whose currency is food since they rely on the pack for support, cats are more self-sufficient and therefore more selective on who to like and trust (please forgive the comparison, but it's like comparing an abused, undereducated woman trying to leave a relationship vs. a professional, career woman who is able to comfortably provide for herself and stays with a man only out of want, not need).

And you might try confining the cats to smaller areas, just as if they were new cats or former ferals. You would gradually let them broaden their horizons. And one last action to try: rub a little butter on their paws and when they lick the butter off, they will get the scent of the new home registered in their brains - it's an old wives' tale, but it really seems to keep cats (tame or feral) from running off from a new location.

Your cat will definitely pick up on your husband's vibe and then the relationship gets caught up in a Catch-22 of negative actions and reactions.  Nobody likes rejection and I don't blame your husband for having hurt feelings - with so much bad media attention directed towards cats lately (super-predators that kill all the birds and wildlife [IMO, habitat destruction, such as removing native flora and poisoning food sources such as bugs are the real main culprits] and disease carriers [altho rabid raccoons, skunks and bats are the main culprits in that dept.], it is easy to not know that cats are also fragile, prey animals - dogs are much more geared to surviving disease and less likely to be on the lower level of the food chain.

Also, it is human nature to attribute an animal's actions with human emotion. such as, a Chihuahua that wont let anyone approach his human - human interpretation is that the dog is protecting his human but the reality is that it is defending its territory and showing its possession of the owner.  And a dog that jumps up on its human's legs at greeting is not asking to be picked up and hugged, but is attempting domination. (these are not my opinions but assessments from professional dog trainers and can be verified on websites that offer breed/adoption advice).

Better advice will be coming soon, I am sure, and I realize that rehoming is probably best. However, rehoming can take awhile and I hope to see a happy  resolution for you all. Your cats are truly your friends and you are theirs.  My thoughts and prayers are for you and your household  Take Care, susan

I was looking through the different episodes of jackson galaxy. It wont do me any good right now because he still isnt speaking to me. I dont understand what is going on right now.

charliana said:

I was looking through the different episodes of jackson galaxy. It wont do me any good right now because he still isnt speaking to me. I dont understand what is going on right now.

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I am so sorry.  This must be incredibly difficult for you.  Is there any compromise that can be made?  When others do not understand how to relate to cats, it can be very difficult. 

Can you provide any background on how much interaction your DH has had with the cats?  He may not know how to relate to them. 

We are here to help you if we can.

    AARRRGGGHHHH! The Silent Treatment - very brutal, very effective. I know first hand - I grew up with it and my last marriage had plenty of it. It was hard, but I trained myself to just accept it; I try to occupy the silence with thought of my cats, Creation, news events, etc. - any thing to keep the dejected look out of my eyes, which is what passive-aggressive behavior seeks in its victims.

I think that your cats are probably very aware of what is going on, perhaps even at different levels than any human can realize.

I am not being judgmental, please realize that, and I am a firm believer in making relationships work, so I am not saying rehome yourself along with your kitties....but, maybe you can call your local women's shelter for a possible temporary placement for the kitties with someone who can offer sanctuary until you can work on improving the home situation.  I know that there is a greater likelihood that your DH will be glad the cats are gone and won't want them back but I could be (hopefully) be wrong and he will be willing to try to work out a compromise as much as you are.  Then you can regain your cats and try re-introducing them anew. Cats are resilient and often adjust better than you would expect, which is why I am a proponent of foster-care for pets of displaced persons, such as abused women and children entering the foster care system, which allows them the hope of reunification with beloved pets. It is so difficult to lose one's family structure let alone losing one's beloved pets, especially those who enter the animal shelters...so sad, so wrong...

He will start traveling for work in about a month.

The kitties actually act like they are really happy when i am the only one home. I am hoping they can get everything figured out while he is gone, they are very nosy. They open cabinets, any door that isnt latched good, and have to see everything. I just left my bathroom cabinet open for them because they seemed to feel safer hiding there than in the room they started out in.

I blamed some other people for leaving cabinet doors open at the other place. I am wondering if it was them. I didnt realize they could open doors that easily.

They have a fuzzy feather toy that they like to chase. I had to watch where i leave it because i would leave it on the counter, and they go take it back.

Silent treatment is still in effect, normally it would be over by now. I think maybe i am not as agressive as i was before, he used to back down when he realized i was mad about something.

I tried to leave him a note to talk to me, the answer was "maybe ill grow fur and learn to walk on all fours...." so most of it is that he is jealous i guess.

He is quitting smoking n starting a new job so he is extra stressed.

Before he was jealous of boyfriends i didnt have now he is jealous of the cats l. I cant win.

charliana said:

I was looking through the different episodes of jackson galaxy. It wont do me any good right now because he still isnt speaking to me. I dont understand what is going on right now.

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Quite frankly, I don't think your cats are the problem.

Kittens Mom said:

Quite frankly, I don't think your cats are the problem.

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Agreed. I hope you can do what's best for you and your cats.

He won't talk to me yet.  I left a note asking him to talk to me, and that I love him.  

The note in response was:

I'll grow fur and learn to walk on 4's maybe then?"...

I wish he would just sit down and have a normal conversation with me instead of getting so mad.  This just hurts.  

Listen, what he is doing to you is abusive. He is making you feel as though you've done something wrong but he is the once who got angry and violent over a scared cat. He is not taking your feelings into account and he is punishing you.

I know we are all just internet strangers, but we are very concerned about you and your cats. Please consider talking to a therapist or reaching out to a woman's shelter. You, and your cats, should not have to live in silence or in fear.

The cats are safe.  I am still paying rent on the old house,  so they can stay there until things settle back down & we agree that he will treat them right.  

They don't seem as happy as when they were with me,  but they recognize the place and feel safe there

We are experimenting with switching to a better quality pet food,  so we have taste tests to see which foods they like better.  Just small amounts so it doesn't upset their stomachs by switching foods.  

So everyday at the old house seems like treat day to them.    They come running to see what we are going to taste next.  

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charliana said:

 
I love my 2 cats but they just moved in a couple of weeks ago, and they are scared of my husband.  One was doing better until last night.  The other one is especially a scaredy cat.  My husband seems to take this personal and thinks that the cat doesn't like him.    He just needed time to adjust,  they haven't been around other people very much.  

The other day the scared one got into the bedroom and got shut in for awhile.  I found him, and fixed the carpet that he tore up trying to get out.  I missed that he had made a mess on my husbands side of the bed.  My husband was already in a bad mood and freaked out and said that it was personal and was going to kill the cat.  Luckily he didn't know where that cat hid so I got to the cat first.  The other one just got yelled at,  but I couldn't get to her because I was protecting the scared one.   We would probably both be in jail if he hadn't calmed down,  I wasn't going to let it happen,  I just don't know if I am physically able to stop him.    I couldn't have even taken it if he had just yelled at the cat,  the cat is scared to death, and it would make no sense to any cat why some crazy person was yelling at them for something they did several hours ago.   I don't understand why he can't understand that the cat is just scared, and that is not the way you deal with any animal.  

He doesn't understand this cat at all.  He thinks he is dumb because he is scared.  He is actually an extremely smart cat.   I think he is jealous of the cats too.  It breaks my heart to give them away,  I have had them since they were kittens.  They are the sweetest cats ever.   They got me through a very rough time in my life when I was extremely depressed.  

I still have the old house,  so I took them with me this morning and left them at the old house while I went to work to keep them safe.  

These cats have been with me since they were kittens.  They follow me everywhere I go like puppy dogs..   Are these kinds of cats able to bond with new people?  

Or has anyone had good luck retraining a husband to understand animal behavior?  

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Your kitties will never bond with your husband, as long as he acts like this.  He won't even speak to you?  This is not good!  it doesn't sound like the cats are safe around him, at all.  And I fear for your safety as well.  Of all the faults a man can have, jealously is one of the worst.  I understand how stressful it is to start a new job or quit smoking, but I never abused or threatened my cats during the process.  Stress brings out the real person and this is what you are seeing.  If he's not even willing to try, then this is an irreconcilable difference and you can't change him. I'm so sorry.  I'm glad you still have the old house.  

it sounds like you are married to a very immature jerk and you need to stop making excuses for him. the cats don't need to be re-homed--he does! men like this don't change, they only get worse. trust me, i know!

Threatening to injure or get rid of or harm someone's companion animals in a relationship is a precursor to physical abuse. It is also a way to control you. I am glad you cats are safe. I think everyone here is just as concerned over your safety.

Kittens Mom said:

 
Threatening to injure or get rid of or harm someone's companion animals in a relationship is a precursor to physical abuse. It is also a way to control you. I am glad you cats are safe. I think everyone here is just as concerned over your safety.

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very true. she is already being subjected to emotional abuse so physical is just down the road..

  I am so glad to see the support and concern for you, Charliana, as well as for your cats! You definitely have fortitude and I applaud your efforts in keeping your cats as safe and happy as possible.  I do so wish that men would not be jealous of our pets - my ex would use that comment "maybe if I had fur & walked on all 4s" and would scowl when I'd reply that if he was like one of my cats, he'd be my "baby boy" and not "my man".  I don't know which was worse - the sarcasm or the silent treatment.  I do know that it helped to deflect his criticisms with " Well, that's one man's opinion" and "God still loves me" .  Like our cats, we ladies are survivors!

My luck keeps getting worse.  The landlord decided NOW is when they want to go into the old house & start working on it.  I am not finished moving things & the cats are there right now.  

You know finals week when research papers & final exams are due, 2 weeks before the husband starts traveling.   I thought I had all summer to work on this, then move the cats back after his is gone so they can adjust to everything with just me there.   

Of course, the only other person who can partially cover my job at work is going in for surgery and will be off for a week, so I can't even take any more time off to work on it.  

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My husband did apologize and take responsibility for his actions which he NEVER does.  Even though we haven't been married that long we have been together a long time so I think we are going to be OK.  

It's one of those things were you are only treated the way you allow them to treat you.  I have apparently been more tolerate lately.  It used to calm him down when he realized I wasn't going to tolerate it.     

I guess I make it clear he never disciplines or yells at the cats or horses ever.  If they make a mess on his stuff it is his fault.    They are actually very good cats I wouldn't expect that unless B. is jealous.  When we are on the downstairs couches that were at the husband's house the boy cat rubs all over it like he is trying to get his scent on it.  

I'm not worried about the horses, because if anybody bothers the wrong horse,  the horse give them a good lesson in manners.    

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The girl  must want to come home.  I got to the house and started looking for her and she was sitting in the despised cat carrier.  They hate the carrier.  That means riding in the car and going to the vet.   They usually run the minute they see me pick it up.   ( I think I probably need to change vets,  but this one is close, and I thought a shorter car ride would be easier for them)

If there is ever a problem again,  they have the option of going to my mom's house or another friend's house while I discipline the husband.   There is always the possibility that my office could have a cat door, and a lock that my husband doesn't have the key to.   They would just have to figure out that it was a safe location.  

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When I fix up my office I am planning on building some cool cat trees & cat walks for them to play on.   I would also like to make them a place where they could hide and feel safe if they needed too,  I'd really like to find a way to make it somewhere nobody else could figure out too.  It would also help keep them busy, they like to help with homework & work by laying on the book you are trying to read, or walking on the keyboard.   That is kind of scary if I am logged into the company server when they go across the keyboard.  

One acts like he would have fun trying agility training.  He will play hide and seek, then run back and forth down the hall with me.  The girl cat thinks we look scary when we do that and just stares at us,  so she has to chase a feather toy to get her exercise.  

(The cats have names,  I am just paranoid about someone finding this and recognizing their names)