The Rogue died this morning

 
This is the last picture I took of the Rogue. He got 3 years old. I had found him under the hood of my car when he was a 4 week old kitten.

He was sick for the last 3 weeks with various vets trying to find out what was wrong and bets ranging from autoimmune diseases to a very bad case of herpes. Bloodwork was moderate anemia at first, which got better 3 days ago when more blood was taken. X-rays all fine. He was scheduled for ultrasound on the day after tomorrow that we will never go to.

This morning his breathing got worse – all of a sudden, it sounded like water in his lungs. I grabbed him and rushed to the emergency vet. Couldn’t get him into his carrier, so I had him on the seat next to me and then in my lap, where he died shortly before we got there.

Emergency vet told me his heart had given out. He was very kind and told me even should they have been able to save him, he would only have had a couple more months.

I’m still beating myself up for not getting there a few minutes sooner.

I’m beating myself up in general. I did not get much sleep or food the last week when I tried to keep him alive and failed, and now I don’t want any.

He was the heart and soul of this home. He is leaving behind Gerinimo, his bonded best friend for the past half year, who is running around calling for him, his adoptive brothers Oberon (who used to groom him), Grisou (who he grew up with and snuggle), elder sister Sassy Josephine (who he shared my bed with) and me.

I still have cats, but this was a very special one.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?

I'm very sorry for your loss of Rogue. Please try not to feel guilty, there's nothing else you could have done.

He was a very handsome cat. RIP sweet Rogue.

What a handsome cat. I am very sorry for the loss of your Rogue. Wish there was something easy I could tell you. There are several little things that eventually help and I'm sure others will mention these. With your loss so recent, just allow yourself to grieve. Express yourself and seek the company of others who understand. Please resist the feelings of guilt. Somethings are just beyond our control. I know that really doesn't help, but it's true. You are not alone. This has happened to many of us. It is such a crushing experience. You are fortunate to have your other kitties. They will help you and you should help them.

Only a lover of cats can understand how these creatures can breathe life into a home. And the gaping hole left when they are gone. The echo of their being there and at the same time being no where. Cats exist in our homes, lives and hearts on their own terms. I am so deeply and truly sorry for your loss.

What happened was not your fault. If only we could shake the guilt and shame for not being able to do more even when there was no more to be done.

He died in your arms. Loved and cherished. He would not have asked for more.

Everyone in your home will go through a grieving process. Including your other cats. It is very important to monitor their behaviors and needs right now. When Kitten was just gone. My home an empty shell putting my efforts into taking care of her grieving cat companion became a reason to at least try.

I am so sorry for your loss. He was a very handsome boy! @Boney Girl Dad, is right. allow yourself to grieve, we are here for you. I understand all too well, as I just lost my Angel a little over 2 months ago. He had lymphoma, & only got about halfway through chemo, before it just started taking over.  Please try not to beat yourself up.  You couldn't have known that was going to happen.  Try to be glad that at least you were with him, & he knew you were trying to get him help. 

He knew he was loved. I know it's not the same, but also take comfort in having the other kitties, and that they are grieving with you. (After losing angel, I am left alone.) Love on each other and they will care for you, as you care for them. I hope that they can bring you comfort. Please try & take care of yourself.  I know it's not easy, but know there are many of us here for you that have been through, or are going through the same thing. 

Sending you a prayer, & lots of hugs!!!    

I am so sorry.  I remember your thread in the health forum, whatever this was it was fast moving.  Getting through this isn't easy and I think each person gets through it differently.  Be kind to yourself, you did everything that you could.  Your other kitties will also go through a grieving process and this will take time for all of you.  I think everyone with kitties or dogs have or have had that special one.

You have already done what that precious cat wanted most in the world, you gave him love and a wonderful home to live in. Sometimes, no matter what we do, or how hard we try, we lose someone we love so very much through no fault of our own. For reasons that we will never understand, Rogue was called home and left behind those who needed him and loved him so very much. We cannot change the past no matter how much we want to do so, we learn to live without them in our lives and let the beautiful memories we have of them comfort us in our grief. You know in your heart Rogue would never want you to be sad when remembering him, he would want you to go on with your life and bring happiness to those little ones still in your care. He will always be with you, the bond you formed will never leave you, it is strong enough to withstand death. Try to celebrate the time you did have with him, he filled your life and it is wonderful to have known him even if for a little while then to have never have known him at all. You validated his life by loving him, he could never have asked for more. Go on to do good things in his name, I have found it does help to soften the pain, bring happiness and pass on his legacy of love to another little soul who so desperately needs love, it will bring meaning to your life again and memorialize his name. My heart breaks for your pain, thank you for letting us know of this very special feline, he will be now mourned by many who grew to know him through your tribute. I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers, bless you for loving so much to hurt so bad.......RIP beautiful Rogue, you will never  be forgotten and will be forever held in loving hearts!

I'm very sorry for your loss of The Rogue. It's heartbreaking when they leave us unexpectedly at such a young age. No matter how hard you try, sometimes life or death is quite simply out of your hands. Be kind to yourself and take time to grieve and celebrate the love you were privileged to share with him.

RIP, Rogue.

I am sorry for your loss, RIP beautiful boy 

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I loved him so very much.

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This was taken right before he got sick, curled up with Geronimo (who I cannot comfort because he is a feral that followed the Rogue in through the cat door, and can't be touched).

roguethecat said:

This was taken right before he got sick, curled up with Geronimo (who I cannot comfort because he is a feral that followed the Rogue in through the cat door, and can't be touched).

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Rogue was such a sweet boy to share his home with Geronimo, what a beautiful special little soul he was 

@roguethecat, I'm so incredibly sorry for the sudden loss of your handsome boy.     The Rogue is so lucky that you found him that day. His fate could have come much sooner if you hadn't saved his life and given him a loving home.     I also remember some of your posts about The Rogue, although I didn't see the recent ones about his health issues. I've been dealing with a devastating loss in my household as well (Sebastian), which was also from a suspected heart issue with other complications. 

It's completely natural and part of the grieving process to go through the want ifs and should haves. I did. But I tried not to let it consume me. Being more of the "thinker" type, I used logic to eventually accept that I truly did everything I could for my boy. You did everything right trying to figure out what was wrong with The Rogue, and you acted quickly when you noticed he was in distress.

I agree that everybody grieves differently. What helped me, especially in those first several days after, was being around those who were supportive, getting out of the house a bit, and going to work. Going to work wasn't easy, but I needed an emotional distraction to order to avoid a complete meltdown. Being home hurt bad. But I couldn't ignore my other two either. Caesar in particular was hurting (and still is), so I wanted to be there for him. I allowed myself to grieve....crying a lot and having those necessary "breakdowns" to let it all out. I couldn't look at pictures right away. I still have all Sebastian things in the same place because I'm just not ready to do anything with them yet.

Do what you need to do at your own pace. Again, I'm so very sorry. 

I was very sorry to read this.  He looked like such a sweet boy.  It's specially hard to lose them when they're young.  If you need someone to talk to, there is a hotline that several members have used:

http://www.thecatsite.com/t/276461/for-those-wanting-to-talk-to-someone-the-aspca-grief-hotline

Rest in peace, little Rogue.

I'm so sorry to hear this.

First, there's probably no way to comfort Geronimo.  He doesn't know why Rogue isn't there, and you can't tell him.  And, yes, it hurts to see him in pain, too.

Second.  Eat.   You're going to need your strength to get through this.  Go with something light, and easy to digest if your stomach is upset, but definitely get something.

Third.  It's perfectly normal to feel guilty about it, but that feeling is not based on fact.  You had no way to anticipate this; you did everything you could to take care of the problems as they presented themselves, and, most importantly, there was nothing you could have done.  The vet told you -- Rogue was terminal, it would have happened within the next few months anyway, no matter what you did.  Our cats think we can fix anything, and we can't.  Rogue died in your lap, loved and cozy, and this is not a bad way to go.  If you had gotten him to the emergency vet a few minutes sooner, yes, you would have had a bit of time to say goodbye, and we sometimes need that, but that would have been for you, not Rogue.  I've watched pets die slowly.  It's not nice.  I think it's time for you to forgive yourself for not being the god Rogue thought you were.

Fourth.  It's time to grieve.  You can go just about anywhere nowadays to find a list of the stages of grief; you may want to do so.  Anger and guilt are in there somewhere, I'm sure.  But the advice I've found most helpful is this:

1. It hurts as much as it hurts.  This means you don't let anyone get away with saying things like "It was just a cat, for crying out loud."  Rogue was not an "it," and he was not "just" anything.  He was a member of your family.  It hurts because it's supposed to hurt when you lose family.
2. It takes as long as it takes.  This means that no one has the right to say to you something like "It's already been three (six, nine, whatever) months.  Shouldn't you be over this by now?  Get a life!"  Your grief is your own.  Don't allow anyone else to interfere with your process, whatever it is.
3. The only way to the other side of grief is straight through the middle.  There are no  shortcuts, no by-passes.  Any attempt to cut it short will merely ensure that you never finish.  I allowed myself to be talked into this once.  Never again.

You may well find it helpful to talk to the ASPCA grief hotline.  You may also find it helpful to get into some kind of support group -- your vet should know if there are any active near you.  And in the meantime, please remember that we are your online support group.  Feel free to cry on our metaphorical shoulders.  Most of us have been where you are now; all of us know we will be one day.

Losing a loved one is a lot like an amputation.  You have lost someone who was a part of your heart, and he can never be replaced.  There will always be a Rogue shaped hole in your heart.  But that wound can heal cleanly, with grieving, or it can fester.  And if it heals cleanly, it does get better over time.  The day will come when you can remember Rogue with a smile instead of tears.  Take your time about it, and take care of your own health in the meantime.  Rogue is not anxious for you to cross the rainbow bridge to join him soon.  Let it happen only when it's actually time.

Margret

Oh my goodness, I am so sad to read of you loosing The Rogue.  My heart goes out to you @roguethecat  .   There are many very wise words above and I hope you are able to take them in over the coming days and weeks.  Also that you are able to 'be there' for your other cats as they work out what has happened too.  As others have said, you can help them, and them you.           Remind your self as often as you need to of what your vet said - there was nothing you could do and even if you had got The Rogue to the vet sooner this would have happened.  The Rogue did not have long enough on this earth with you but the time he did have was very special and full of love right up to his last breath.  

Believe that The Rogue's heart and soul are still in your home, both in your heart and in the lives of your other cats, and take strength from knowing he will always be there even if you can not see him and feel his fur next to you.    

Run free and RIP The Rogue.    

I am so sorry for your loss.  There is no better advice on dealing with it than you have already been given, so I will just add,

Rest you gentle, Rogue, dream you deep.

 The Rogue, in the yard he loved so much. In December he still weighted 20+ lbs and had to squeeze to get through the cat door, but unlike others he used to stay in the back and front yard and was the first to greet me whenever I got home. He also used to catch lizards and little snakes and drag them into the kitchen, where when they were lucky I was able to rescue them.

I can't do any gardening right now because the garden reminds me so much of him.

Thank you everyone for being there for me. @Margret: I am eating, some that is. My sister dragged me to lunch today. I'm also going to work tomorrow, although I had taken the day off to do the ultrasound and do a better job nursing him. @GoHolistic: I'm so sorry about Sebastian. I'm thinking that wherever the Rogue is right now, he might meet him. He loved to play with anything and everyone.

I came to the conclusion that him dying right now was best for him, if not me, to cut down on suffering. I just wish I could have spared him those final minutes.

I managed to clean the car seat he vomited on when he died (because I need the car to drive to work tomorrow). 

I had bought his favorite toy, the Kong straw ball with catnip, for when he was feeling better. Those usually last only a couple hours so they are a special treat. Geronimo is happily destroying it right now. 

roguethecat said:

 The Rogue, in the yard he loved so much. In December he still weighted 20+ lbs and had to squeeze to get through the cat door, but unlike others he used to stay in the back and front yard and was the first to greet me whenever I got home. He also used to catch lizards and little snakes and drag them into the kitchen, where when they were lucky I was able to rescue them.
I can't do any gardening right now because the garden reminds me so much of him.

Thank you everyone for being there for me. @Margret: I am eating, some that is. My sister dragged me to lunch today. I'm also going to work tomorrow, although I had taken the day off to do the ultrasound and do a better job nursing him. @GoHolistic: I'm so sorry about Sebastian. I'm thinking that wherever the Rogue is right now, he might meet him. He loved to play with anything and everyone.

I came to the conclusion that him dying right now was best for him, if not me, to cut down on suffering. I just wish I could have spared him those final minutes.

I managed to clean the car seat he vomited on when he died (because I need the car to drive to work tomorrow). 

I had bought his favorite toy, the Kong straw ball with catnip, for when he was feeling better. Those usually last only a couple hours so they are a special treat. Geronimo is happily destroying it right now. 

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He was a lovely cat.

I'm glad you're eating.  I remember vividly how difficult this is.  Cut yourself some slack for a while.  You may find yourself forgetting things, for instance -- this is what lists are for.  If you're having trouble sleeping, in my experience melatonin is quite helpful, as well as being safe and non-habit forming.

I'm glad to hear that you've managed to distract Geronimo from his distress; and I'm glad that the toy you bought for The Rogue is going to good use.  The Rogue would be happy to know that it went to his best bud.

I know; we always wish we could spare our loved ones from distress, and it makes us feel helpless that we can't.  That's one of the reasons we feel guilty when our pets die -- sometimes guilt feels better than helplessness.  It's also one of the reasons that rape victims so frequently blame themselves.  The problem is, it's a way of lying to ourselves about our real capabilities, and if we rely on those lies it causes trouble for us down the road.  It's a trap, a trick our minds play on us to avoid dealing with something bad.  If it continues for too long, you may want to get professional help.  I'm not saying that would mean that you're crazy, just that some things are easier to deal with when you have help.

Margret

That is a really nice picture of him. Such a handsome boy!  I can understand the garden being hard for you right now, but if you can, maybe it will make you feel better to plant some flowers out there in his memory.

It may also make you feel close to him to be there. I'm sure he will be out there with you in spirit. You can talk to him while you are out there, & maybe it will help you feel better. I talk to Angel sometimes, as I'm sure he is here in spirit.  

I like to think that all of our TCS kitties that have crossed the rainbow bridge are up there hanging out & playing together. "The TCS crew."      

roguethecat said:

 The Rogue, in the yard he loved so much. In December he still weighted 20+ lbs and had to squeeze to get through the cat door, but unlike others he used to stay in the back and front yard and was the first to greet me whenever I got home. He also used to catch lizards and little snakes and drag them into the kitchen, where when they were lucky I was able to rescue them.
I can't do any gardening right now because the garden reminds me so much of him.

Thank you everyone for being there for me. @Margret: I am eating, some that is. My sister dragged me to lunch today. I'm also going to work tomorrow, although I had taken the day off to do the ultrasound and do a better job nursing him. @GoHolistic: I'm so sorry about Sebastian. I'm thinking that wherever the Rogue is right now, he might meet him. He loved to play with anything and everyone.

I came to the conclusion that him dying right now was best for him, if not me, to cut down on suffering. I just wish I could have spared him those final minutes.

I managed to clean the car seat he vomited on when he died (because I need the car to drive to work tomorrow). 

I had bought his favorite toy, the Kong straw ball with catnip, for when he was feeling better. Those usually last only a couple hours so they are a special treat. Geronimo is happily destroying it right now. 

Click to expand...

What a beautiful picture. I'm so sorry for your loss. 

I'm sure that he made a lot of new friends over at the bridge and met up with some old ones as well. RIP The Rogue. You will never be forgotten.