Anxiety that comes with being a new mom

Heya, all! I'm Zelly. Practically new here, and very much new at cat-nurturing.

There's something I'd like to talk about and share, as it's been one hell of an experience and something I'm surprised even happened.

First off, back story. I've been living alone in Japan for the past 6 years (ever since I was 19) and my beloved family are all either in Malaysia or Australia. I've moved three times from Tokyo to Osaka to Aichi to Tokyo in the span of two years and I have very few solid friendships within reach (they are so busy with work too). As you might have guessed, it can get pretty lonely for me (the occasional language barrier doesn't help either). And I've been wanting a cat. For years. I figured it can be good for me since I'm introverted and have no drive to look for a soul mate to share my life with lol.

It was love at first sight when I saw Beagle (yes, I've named my kitten a dog breed, lol) and I couldn't even look at any other kitten or pup. They let me pet him and cuddle with him a few times. Of course I didn't immediately jump into getting him. I fought myself over it for three weeks, wondering if I have what it takes to care for another life for the next 13 to 15 years, wondering if I'm capable of compromising for another since I'm the type who has to have control over my own life otherwise I will suffer from anxiety again. When I realised that I've been looking out only for myself too long and may be doomed to be a lonely person who doesn't know how to change and take care of another and love them unconditionally, I went ahead and signed the papers and got Beagle.

So it's been a week since I've gotten Beagle. He is the sweetest, most affectionate, energetic, playful and intelligent animal I've ever met. The poor boy was clearly taken from his momma and siblings too young. He is going to be three months old in a week and he's a ginger whose eyes hasn't changed colour yet. He latches onto me like I'm his mother whenever he's done playing; snuggling, kneading and suckling on my clothes. And I am so amazed at how quick he learns. I showed him where to poop and scratch just once and BAM, he does it perfect every time now. For now, I can consider myself lucky that he is doing pretty good.

But man, the anxiety I've been experiencing was horrid. Part of it when terrible timing. The first three days of our lives spent together was darkened by my really, really terrible days at work. I made so many mistakes, pissed my seniors off and my self-confidence was plummeting (On top of that, I had to work overtime and couldn't get home to Beagle soon, making me worry for him). I had a full blown panic attack on the third morning, forced myself to go to work and when the deadline passed, there was a huge flush of relief. I thought that was the end of my anxiety attacks but it slowly crept back as my day ended and I got home. It was then reality hit me really hard. If I could barely handle work at times, how am I to provide the happiness and comfort Beagle deserves? That night I couldn't bare to think of Beagle and had another horrible panic attack.

The next day, Saturday, I broke down the whole morning and afternoon while webcamming with my bestie who lives across the Pacific Ocean, seeking comfort because I felt so alone in this (and my family was too busy to receive my calls and messages). I felt overwhelmed. The change was sudden. I knew my life would change but when it finally happened it scared the crap out of me. I felt like I was no longer free -- trapped. I could no longer do so many things on my own terms and I couldn't bear the thought of it, but at the same time, I love Beagle so much. He's so young, so sweet and so helpless. He depends me and I feared that I might make him and myself absolutely unhappy because I am a single lady in a small apartment who works full time and works too far away to even come back during lunch to check on Beagle. I guess this is what they call Post-adoption depression. That day, I even considered getting him adopted by someone more worthy but that thought broke my heart too.

After some pep talk by my bestie and sis-in-law, I realised that I haven't been taking things one step at a time, that I thought far too ahead, thinking about every worse case scenario that could happen if I don't listen to Jackson Galaxy's teachings faithfully. So I decided to run out of the apartment, breathe some Tokyo air as I go from shop to shop to buy things to further kitten-proof my cosy apartment. I had to keep my mind and hands busy to get a specific, achievable goal done for the day: creating an environment that's comfortable for both me and Beagle. I had to learn to trust him to roam around on his own so I can rest easy and perhaps even get back to doing my hobbies. It was a huge help to my anxiety because it all starts with our environment.

I even let him on my bed as I napped, which I would have yelled, "UGH NO ANIMALS ON HUMAN BEDS, GET OFF!" 6 years ago because of my.... Orderly upbringing, so it was a huge thing for me. And it helped break the ice a bunch. He licked/kissed my lips and snuggled against me, completely trusting me. It brought tears to my eyes, because I was elated, in love and absolutely guilty for having horribly negative thoughts earlier.

Everyday I just hope and pray that this keeps up because my anxiety keeps threatening to come back. Like every time he mews (which is something he hardly does) pitifully whenever I leave for work, every time his stool turns out waaay softer than usual, every time I think there aren't enough toys or Amazon boxes to keep him entertained while I'm away, every time I fear that his soul is slowly getting crushed the longer I leave him alone because of daily obligations, every time I feel too tired after work to play with him which feels like neglect to me. He is so full of love, energy and affection, I feel so unworthy at times. Because baby Beagle deserves all the love and attention he can get, I feel.

I'm so sorry for this absolutely long-winded post LOL. I really wanted to talk to fellow mamas and papas of kittens and cats about this. I guess I don't like to feel alone in suffering (I don't wish panic attacks and anxiety on my enemies. They are absolutely stifling).

I want to know if any of you have experienced anything similar like this before. And if you have, how long did it last? How did you cope or what action did you take to improve your anxiety?

Also, has anyone here left their kitten alone in the house for long hours too? How did they turn out? If it's something no one should absolutely do,then... I will admit I have failed in that part... Sigh.

I can't afford nor even manage to introduce a playmate for Beagle... And I have no friends living nearby who can help look after him.

Man, what an intro, yeah? Lol.

I've cared for 2 kittens since they were 6 / 7 weeks old. I didn't trust them alone in the house what so ever. I bought a large dog cage. I got them a mini litter box and put food in water in the cage (along with a blanket and toys). Whenever I had to be away from them, I put them in the cage.

Now they love their cage. It sits in their room with the door open and they use it like a cat bed. If anything they consider it a safe space.

As they got older (and more durable) I confined them in a room. Now they're almost a year and allowed the run of the house.

First of all, take a deep breath.

You chose to welcome Beagle into your life, and Beagle has decided that you're the best person in his world right now. You are his world. And you know what? It's very, very, VERY common to feel like the weight of the (Beagle) world is upon you. What if you couldn't care for him as well as you thought you could? What if he's secretly unhappy because you think you aren't around a lot? What if he falls ill and you have no idea whether it was your fault? What if, what if?

All of us has gone through that one time or another. Perhaps not to the degree you are experiencing, but it's not alien to us. I felt the same way 3 years ago when I brought home my little man. What if he doesn't warm up to me? What if I mess up? What if he deserves better?

3 years later, he's still with me, he still tells me he likes sitting on my keyboard because he is more important than my work. 3 years later, I still sometimes doubt myself -- is he truly happy? Does he feel trapped in my small apartment? Does he feel bored because there's only one type of toy he likes to play with? Does he feel sad when I'm at work?

I haven't taken a vacation in 3 years because I haven't been able to stomach the thought of leaving him alone for a few days. What if he thinks I abandoned him? Like you, I don't have friends nearby to look after him, so I'll have to hire a sitter. I thought of getting him a playmate, but what if he hates his buddy? What if he becomes withdrawn and sad because he thinks I don't love him 100% anymore?

I wish I could tell you how to deal with these feelings. Truth is, short of recommending a mental health professional, I don't know. But you do need to handle these feelings, because cats are very attuned to their favorite human's emotions. They sense when we're anxious and upset, and it bothers them. Obviously different cats handle it differently.

Stick around. Tell us stories about Beagle, let us cry with you on those sleepless nights and share little triumphs with us. We want to hear those. Welcome to TCS. We have catnip.

I'm delighted you let Beagle on your bed.  Only because I can't imagine NOT letting my kitties sleep with me.  There's nothing better than having a little love bug snuggled up to you, purring--especially if you are sad, anxious or afraid.  Let him help you, too.  He can.  

Hi @Zelly  welcome to The Cat Site.

I live in Japan too. I can sympathise with how you feel about working in Tokyo and struggling with the language. Are you in Tokyo now? I'm not far from you, about a 90 minute drive away in Yamanashi. It's a very different world here though.

I think all of us go through the same thing when we first get a cat. You bond to them so closely and miss them while your at work, so of course you worry about what they are doing. I work from home now so I can tell you they spend a lot of time either asleep or staring out of the window. It's only natural that you worry about being the best person possible for Beagle, that shows how considerate you are of his needs.

Does your apartment have any windows with a good view? It doesn't have to be anything stunning, just a view of the street so he can watch people coming and going and see birds fly past. Get him a cat condo, one with a couple of levels and scratching posts and a few nice perches and put it by the window. It will give him something to play on and somewhere to watch the neighborhood from. He'll be happy there while you're at work.

Cats can sleep up to 18 hours a day and they get used to your routine. If he knows you're going to be gone 12 hours of the day he'll keep himself occupied until you get home.

Oh yeah, and thinking about your cat constantly, boring all of your friends with stories about them, over sharing cute cat pictures on social media and spending way too much of your hard earned cash on toys, treats and cat furniture is normal too. It's all part of the fun of having a cat in your life.

I feel like I went through that back in July after adopting two kittens, and I had cats my whole life! (and had three already!)

Ok, not exactly, but in my case it was because I've not had kittens in 13 years. And they got into places I didn't know existed! And then when one of them got behind the couch, stupid me lifted it to see if he was there, then he scooted under. I was too afraid to put it down! I ended up breaking a lamp in the process of trying to hold this sofa up :lol3: (I laugh now, I was horrified that I'd squished the kitty then!) and mom came out and helped me. He was fine, he fit very well under the couch. Of course, he was a mere 8 week old, 2.5 lbs kitten. Now he's a 10.5 month, 11.25 lb kitten!

Your kitten will be ok. Like Norachan said, they sleep a lot. And kittens in particular sleep like the dead. Can carry them from one room to another and they don't even wake up. I kinda miss that part (that stopped long ago). Their three modes sleep, eat, play. Playtime gets longer the older they get, and they are very good at getting into trouble - so make sure the breakables are all put away!

Hi @Zelly  

You couldn't have picked a better place to be. Everyone here is awesome and very helpful. I understand about panic attacks, I've had them for years and they don't get any better. I have found that having my cats help alleviate them. You will be able to be a wonderful mom to Beagle and he will help you in more ways than you will ever realize.

The best thing you have done is to make your apartment a place where you both can coexist. Make sure Beagle has his own furniture so he can spend time on his own. Believe it or not, most cats do really well when we are gone. Leave a piece of clothing or a blanket that has your scent on it somewhere he likes to be and he will be fine.

You are doing an excellent job with him.

I can't wait to see pictures of your precious little one. 

Hi Z zelly

As a couple of others have said, BREATHE. You can do this. Really. Beagle absolutely adores you, and is just fine when you're at work. Remember that all cats sleep a lot of the time, and that's especially true of kittens. He is so, so lucky to have such a great mom who cares so much about him

Don't worry about the 'plaintive mews' when you leave in the morning. Cats are masters at tugging your heart strings. I'm sure he's fine once you shut the door. If it bothers you, set up a routine where Beagle gets a little playtime followed by some food just before you walk out the door. That way, he'll be too busy eating to fuss as you leave, and you're setting him up to be ready for a sleep. Win-win :catguy:

I do understand extreme anxiety, and how irrational it can be. Stay in the present. When you're with Beagle focus on the good, and let his snuggles and kittenish antics ground you. Notice the softness of his fur, the sound of his purring, all the cute little quirks that make him him. As daunting as they can seem at first, cats can be an incredibly calming presence if you'll let them.

I've always found yoga and meditation to be incredibly calming and grounding too - give it a try if you can. You may be surprised at how much it helps you manage your day to day anxieties. There are loads of free classes on YouTube if you want to stay home. Yoga with Adriene is a great start point.

Hang in there. You can do this. You're the perfect mom for Beagle - as he keeps trying to tell you

Welcome to TCS!  You obviously love Beagle very much and he is blessed to be in your life.  Things have been stressful for you lately, and I hope they get better soon.  Having a purring kitten to come home to can help melt the worries of the day away.   Though kittens adore lots of play and attention, they definitely like their quiet time, too.  I bet he catches up on his sleep while you're at work. 

Inanna said:

I've cared for 2 kittens since they were 6 / 7 weeks old. I didn't trust them alone in the house what so ever. I bought a large dog cage. I got them a mini litter box and put food in water in the cage (along with a blanket and toys). Whenever I had to be away from them, I put them in the cage.

Now they love their cage. It sits in their room with the door open and they use it like a cat bed. If anything they consider it a safe space.

As they got older (and more durable) I confined them in a room. Now they're almost a year and allowed the run of the house.

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I never even thought of confining mine. And they never had accidents.

When I was a teenager my best friend's cat had kittens. She let the cats have free range of her whole house. One day she came home from school, sat down on the couch... and um... turns out 2 of the kittens were hiding underneath the cushion. The whole incident really traumatized me. I'll never forget trying to comfort her after she buried the kittens. She felt so guilty.

Confining them worked well for me. It kept them from getting into the stove when I was cooking dinner (they jumped in a few times when the oven was off). It also kept them from getting under foot when I was vacuuming or mopping the floors (they tried to jump in the mop bucket). I just thought it was safer for them until they were older.

I also had a slightly older cat in the house who really didn't approve of the kittens when they first arrived. I was concerned about their interactions because Toothless would growl and hiss at them and I thought she might just swipe at them and claw them.

In the end, we all just want to do right by our cats, give them our love, and keep them safe. We just have different ways of going about it.

Welcome to TCS!     I just want to add my voice to everyone else reassuring you that Beagle will be okay and that you are a fine cat Mom to him.  Worrying about our cats is what good cat guardians do, especially when they first enter our lives.   Like you, I've worried that keeping my kitties cooped up in an apartment will make them miserable but I've found that lots of toys help a lot.  Some people get bird or fish DVDs and play them while they're at work - many cats love to watch animals on TV.  And when you're home play with Beagle as much as you can - he'll love that.  

I'm so glad you let him up on the bed.  A warm kitty in the bed is a wonderfully comforting thing and you may quickly find that you miss him if he decides to spend the night in a chair for some reason.   It sounds to me as if Beagle is very happy you're his Mom and you will do just fine.   Please let us know how he does - and post some photos of him, too.  We love cat photos around here.

Inanna said:

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• inanna
• Apr 1, 2016

When I was a teenager my best friend's cat had kittens. She let the cats have free range of her whole house. One day she came home from school, sat down on the couch... and um... turns out 2 of the kittens were hiding underneath the cushion. The whole incident really traumatized me. I'll never forget trying to comfort her after she buried the kittens. She felt so guilty.

Confining them worked well for me. It kept them from getting into the stove when I was cooking dinner (they jumped in a few times when the oven was off). It also kept them from getting under foot when I was vacuuming or mopping the floors (they tried to jump in the mop bucket). I just thought it was safer for them until they were older.

I also had a slightly older cat in the house who really didn't approve of the kittens when they first arrived. I was concerned about their interactions because Toothless would growl and hiss at them and I thought she might just swipe at them and claw them.

In the end, we all just want to do right by our cats, give them our love, and keep them safe. We just have different ways of going about it.

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It's not that. Until I joined TCS I'd never have thought of it. I also just brought in a kitty and let them get on with it. I must have been incredibly lucky.

This is a great idea for when I start fostering. I'm expecting kittens when I get into my new house so this will be great for them. Thanks for showing this.

Norachan said:

Yes, I think you were. Whiskey and Blighty are such good boys.

I have a cage that I used for Toby when he was a kitten. We'd only just moved house and I didn't want to take the risk of him getting out or getting into anything he shouldn't while we were unpacking. It's been so useful with all my other rescues since then. Best thing I ever bought.

Toby20.jpg

• Norachan
• Apr 1, 2016

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That's an amazing cage. I bet it cost a bomb.

Stewball said:

That's an amazing cage. I bet it cost a bomb.

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It cost about $100 but it was worth it. I've taken the doors of now and put a thick blanket on top. They use it as a bunk-bed/climbing frame/launch pad for ambush attacks.

That is not a cage, it is a kitty palace.  We should all live so well.

@Zelly, you little one is just fine on his own.  They are really fairly solitary animals by nature, and although they enjoy our company, and sometimes that of other cats, they are not dependent on it like dogs are.  They just don't have that "pack mentality."  You are doing just fine by your baby, so, again, breathe, and just enjoy him.  I'll bet, once your confidence is up a bit, you will find that he's great for actually reducing your anxiety.

What everyone else said.

When I got this anxious (not about a kitten, but anxiety is anxiety) I went to my doctor and got a prescription for an antidepressant.  It helps a lot.

Please note that I am not advising you to medicate yourself.  I'm merely saying that if the anxiety keeps up at this level, where it's threatening your happiness and your livelihood, you may want to talk with your doctor about it.

In the meantime, yoga is good.  Beagle will probably "help" you, enthusiastically.  If he's too enthusiastic, as in, endangering himself, shut him in the other room while you do it, with toys, and ignore his complaints.  As has already been pointed out, cats are masters at playing the guilt card, and no one has to teach them how -- they're born knowing this.

The really nice thing about yoga is that it makes your body feel wonderful, immediately.  Technically, it's not exercise, it's stretching, but because of the way it makes your body feel you end up moving more than you would otherwise, which ends up amounting to exercise.  Instant gratification exercise.  Can it get any better than that?

Tai Chi is also good, and Beagle should definitely be locked in the other room for that.

Next, learn to meditate.  Beagle will probably be happy to help you with this, also, and here his help will actually be useful.  There's nothing like a soft bundle of purr to make it easy to relax and focus.

Finally, do what you need to get back into your hobbies.  Those are part of who you are.  With Beagle, you become more than you were, not less.  Don't give up what you had before.  (And, BTW, if those hobbies involve thread, be careful how you dispose of it.  Cut it up into small bits before you throw it away; cats can easily ingest it, and that can cause a perforated intestine.)

And finally, welcome to The Cat Site.  We're very happy to have you and Beagle here.  Looking forward to lots of cute pictures.

Margret