What is the most important thing about Family?

Hi there Fellow cat lovers,

With this past holiday that is focused on family,

What does family mean to you or what do you do if you don't have a family?

I'm having a hard time with this one. My family can be difficult at times, and at other times we get along.

My family makes me crazy. There, I've said it.    That being said, if I need them, they are there. Always. The older we get, the more we realize that we have to help each other because there's nobody else to do it! 

the older I get the more i notice the traps they set for me and laugh at my pain.

Easter is supposed to be about family. They dragged me into something that is no ones business and judged other members. I mistakenly walked into their trap and didnt have enough courage to say no. i ended up hurting another member after I said what I said. Then this person is man enough to say they understand. And a good friend warned me to wait until I am not emotional before I decide to sever ties..oh sometimes why can't I have enough wisdom to keep my mouth shut?

I don't want family. If this is how its supposed to be I am all done.

After being used and only called when they need money and won't make changes in their lives to stop reliy on other people to pay the bills we tend to get ticked off and say enough is enough.

I am done. I rather be alone.

My family is very two faced. They smile to your face and then talk a load of   about you as soon as you turn your back. I have no time and no patience for people like that. My parents spent way too much time trying to change me into a clone of  my mother. They failed. 

I get along better with DH's family than I do my own but I have my DD and the furkids. That's all I need. 

The biggest part of my family is gone from this earth. I do have sisters but we are not close. I have some cousins, one who is like a brother. My children don't live close to me, so often holidays are spent without them. But we have a good group of friends and church members who love us and offer their support in times of trouble or need. Sometimes we are invited for holidays at other people's homes.
I miss my parents and his. My dad was my life line. I often wish he was still here so I could ask his opinion or advice. I try to reach out to other people with support and love. For the most part, life is good and I am very thankful for every day. :nod: A good rule I try to live by is, I don't let other people control my happiness. I am a Christian and my faith sustains me.

I really like my siblings a lot.  I had good relationships with my parents but alas, both are gone for many years.  I don't have much extended family anymore, and those who are still around live far away.  I'm not thrilled with most of those people for various reasons, none awful, just different types of people and sadly, many are way more emotionally needy than I'm able to tolerate or give my time to.  

I don't see my siblings very much since my parents passed.  Not sure why but mostly due to time constraints and them having kids, and I did not.  Different lifestyles and all.  I do see my brother a lot more as we have most in common.  Probably at least once a month.  I keep in touch with my sisters via phone mostly.  Of those two, I'm way closer to the one nearer my age. 

It's just me.  I never really got to know my dad's family, and I don't get along well with my mom's family (very uptight. straight laced, always do what is expected folks.  GOOD people, but drive my gypsy soul crazy).  My sons live...well...one is in Tennessee, about 450 miles away, and the other is in Amsterdam, Netherlands, however far that is from North Carolina. 

No, it isn't "just me."  It is Hekitty and me.  So. she's my family for celebrations and such.  Every Christmas, there is a present under the tree for me from her, every birthday she gets me something.  The GOOD part of this is that she's one heck of a shopper!  She has yet to get me something that I didn't really want!

But let's talk about the larger part of family.  They are our foundation.  They are what everything we do is built on.  Some are strong, some weak, some have what seem to be fatal flaws, but they are ours, and somehow, we build on them.  They are our history, we are their immortality.

I am very close to my parents. Still being single, they have helped me a lot. My mom has helped me paint my place a couple of times, & my dad has also helped when I was doing my living room makeover. He also just helped me hang new curtain rods in my room. I talk to them a few times a week. So much, that If my mom hasn't heard from me in more than a couple of days, she calls to make sure I am ok.   I'd say my mom is pretty much my best friend. My sister is always busy, so we don't spend as much time together as I'd like. She is married w/ 2 kids, but they are pretty much grown now. She & her husband usually go to dinner & a movie on the weekends, so we don't get together very often. I am usually the one who has to initiate it, mentioning that it's been awhile since we've had some sister time. So that's usually what I want to do for my birthdays. She doesn't call our parents very often either. I don't know what's up with that. 

My family. Children, grandchildren, sister, cousin and aged uncle, 97, and my ex.
We're close but they're not as close to me like Kelly and her parents but if I need them they're there.
I think respect is a big part of it. That's what causes rows. Lack of respect. That's my opinion.

well the only family I really had was my mother all the time then as I got older my dad. but mom passed away several years ago...so its not been the same since. Her and I were close as a mom and daughter can get. She had some issues but I realized later on in life that she is human and did the best she could. I really miss her and think this could be why I feel so untethered=she was my rock and now its gone..but now my dad and I have gotten closer..sometimes we both say things we shouldn't. and we both have been able to face each other and say sorry the best we can. and try to move on. but its hard because of

my sibling is I don't know-different. They don't see issues with disrespect and if I raise the concern they turn around and accuse me of judging them. Its water under the bridge but I fear a repeat of bad behavior..

now its my turn to walk away without saying a word.

.

I try to follow the respect for others rule. I admit when I screw up. And I do, a lot but I man up and say I was wrong..this other person lets just say things don't fit together when they talk about situations..I am getting to a point where I don't have the energy to deal with drama or he said she said crap. I don't understand why this is the way it is. So rather than fight it I need to recognize that its not healthy and slowly step away. I don't get involved with the kids because I knew deep down inside I would need to leave and I don't want to hurt the kids.

I am thankful that I finally recognize that this was disrespect and they will never own up to it. They will insist that I am too sensitive. I maybe but if they truly respected me they would want to work this out and find a compromise not have an attitude of theres the door..and this same individual used to make mom cry. They didn't visit nor call. And that's ok. That's between them but I know it hurt to see my mother hurting. And as an adult I know there are three sides to every story-mine, theirs and the truth. But I know in order for me to get better I have to let this go and realize its never going to be a real family and I have to stop enabling poor behavior even if sometimes I feel like I deserve it=which is crud. But that's how I feel..and feelings are not the same as facts..I think that's the hardest thing. ok I am done. Gonna go read something on here to distract myself..

all the family I need is my boyfriend and my cats. And talk to my dad on facebook..which is I hope ok for him..i am not a face to face person..i don't really know why but I am uncomfortable around people..tiring to talk and think...I never used to be like this..but I have my memories to sustain me when I get lonely. I know I wasn't the easiest kid to raise..i was always the one to ask :why?? Why ? and want details which drives my family nuts..

Family to me means acceptance and belonging.  I was very shy growing up but I never felt odd being around my siblings and not speaking. 

I am the 8th of 9 children, with 14ish years between the oldest and youngest.  Everyone had a different upbringing where my parents were concerned which has fostered some long standing rivalry.  A couple of my sisters haven't spoken to each other in 20 years except at rare family gatherings.  Another couple are thick as thieves and that's after a couple huge fights.  As the baby of the girls, I was spoiled by my sisters and have managed to be friends with everyone.  I don't get involved in their squabbles.  I listen to them complain and rant about each other.  Honestly they're in the sixties and complaining about stuff that happened when they were kids.  I o have 2 brothers who also stay out of the fray (#7 and #9)  I have learned to not believe everything they tell me.  Many times they tell me stories, then change the details when they tell it to someone else and I also get lied to. I used to be pretty gullible - they think I still am.

I miss spending holidays and just hanging out with them..  Most are in the Chicago area and I moved to Maryland with DH when I was 27 and lived there for 21 years.  Now we are in California.  The cousins all get along.  I wish my kids could have grown up closer to them.  DH's family is in Upstate NY and SLC, UT.  We used to drive up there for a week every summer, so my kids know most of his family.  He has a sister and 2 brothers.  they are like the Wards from Leave It to Beaver.  My family life was All in the Family.

For my children, DH and I give them love, acceptance and belonging.  I have never put them down or made them feel worthless.  I tell them they are smart and creative and encourage their strengths.  They don't know what it's like to be physically or verbally abused.  Most of my siblings have been able to break the cycle of abuse.  My mother's doing.  Our family gatherings are quiet and small.  I doubt they will ever realize how wonderful their upbringing is because it is average considering their friends lives.

"Family" to me doesn't just mean blood, but rather those whom we have allowed into our lives.

This often becomes more than apparent when something happens in your life that shakes your world, and it is those who come to you to help you through it that truly shine.

7 months ago, my wife passed away.

Those I now consider to TRULY be "family" are one friend, my father and step-mother, and my kitties.

However, there is always room in my heart for more...and some are just there by default - my grandmother, for instance. How can I not love this woman? She's about 4-foot-nothing, pure-blood Sicilian, and always shoving pasta in my face. That's her love right there...and that's a love I enjoy sharing as well. Cooking. That's our connection. That's our passion. That's who we are.

"Family" is often a strange concept to try and decipher...but you know it when you see it.

Captain Dave, I am so very sorry about your wife's passing. I can't even begin to imagine the pain of losing her. My deepest sympathies to you.   

My sister and I didn't speak to each other for about 14 years. So much rivalry going on, so much jealousy, so much dislike (I can't say hatred). We believe now that our mother was behind a lot of it. I couldn't do anything right for Mom; everything I did, nothing was good enough. "Your sister does it this way" was all I pretty much ever heard from her. My sister was perfect; she went to modeling school, she married into money, my sister did this, my sister did that. The day my father died, the Hospice lady came in to the house. She said to me, "Oh, you must be the pretty sister; your mother talks about you all the time!" My mother started laughing. "Oh God, no. That's Pam. (Sister's name), she's the pretty one." I was in my late 50s at the time and it ripped right through my heart. Even though I was used to the talk, it still hurt.

After my sister and I started talking again, that's when we realized that it really was Mom behind it all. Turns out, she was doing pretty much the same thing to my sister, although not on as bad a level. My sister told me she couldn't do anything right and she really couldn't stand being around me because I was the perfect one. Well, I felt the same way she did. The things mothers can do to their children. And I really don't understand why. Anyway after Dad died, when Mom said something about "Your sister is doing this" I'd say, "Yeah, I know, I talked to her yesterday." Once Mom realized she wasn't separating us anymore, she pretty much stopped the barbs. My sister and I get along better today than we ever did. But 14 years down the drain. That's sad. I missed seeing my niece and nephew grow up; thankfully, I didn't miss their weddings and the children they now have.

When my niece got married, she invited us to the wedding. I wasn't going to go, but man, life is just too damn short and we sent back the RSVP. I found out later that my nephew was running himself ragged at the reception, working on my sister and me. He had vowed that, by the end of that night, she and I would hug. If it was the last thing he ever did. And we hugged. And I don't think there was a dry eye on any family member. And the last Thanksgiving my dad had with us (he passed away about two weeks later), the entire family was there. He told Mom he never thought it would be possible for my sister and I to be in the same room. And Mom said he just sat there and cried.

What's the purpose of this story? Just that life is too damn short for ugliness. And for bitterness. You're only here for a short time and man, you'd better make the best of it because it's the only time you're going to have. And that's my more than 

Thank you for all the info on your idea of family.

@Captain Dave  I am truly sorry for your loss. I hope someday the memories turn to smiles rather than tears. I don't have any advice. It takes time for that to heal..if it ever does. Again my deepest symphathies.

I am still torn. I love getting together with my family   for special days. They cook wonderful food and everyone is happy. I have never felt not belonging. We are very laid back and not into dressup and makeup so I feel very comfortable there. But the unspoken about tension somedays is just too much energy for me to deal with.

I just want to stay in touch but not get emotionally involved. I wish I could erase the things that were done to me. But some people are brazen and ask for money after not giving two craps after not speaking to me for years..Its off putting. Then saying things afterwards. I dont have the patience for this anymore. They are delusional and I can't change their behavior. I can only control how much I allow someone to hurt me. I used to be like you @Handsomekitty. I used to be gullible.

All those years ago it was both my mother and sister lying. So now we have talked a few times and found mom started all this crap. So we try to only discuss current things. But my heart is weary of getting used. There is a fence up that I dont want to tear down. There were things that rocked my world in my teen years that I just can't get over how I was taken advantage of from both sides. But I also know people only do the best they can with what they had. They are human and I don't doubt that they did the best they could. And I have to resolve this resentment on my own. Someday I have to make a decision to leave the rocks in the past as it has nothing to do with today.

I will say if something similiar happened to my neices/nephews I would probably end up in jail. I am shocked at how strong I feel about this. But even if I am not close to the family I still care deeply what happens to the children. And I know they will have questions when they get older..or if they dont already ask..why doesnt Auntie come over more? I guess it would be different if there were no kids in the picture-I would have for sure walked away years ago...but this is something I have to work out for myself. And I can say we have many funny stories about the past few decades..thats what hurts the most..do I really want to shut the door on this part of my life?

I admit I get too emotionally needy. So I stay alone. I don't want to be a burden on anyone so I just don't say anything. I think I will just need time to think about what it is I want and communicate what I want. They can't read my mind. And I just have to grow up and stop getting my feelings hurt. Thats what I HATE about my feelings. If I could get rid of them I would in a heartbeat. But then the cats come over and show me affection and my heart fluffs..how can I really want to shut off my heart? How does one turn this off?

And I realize now after turning 40 that things never stay the same. We could have something new happen to draw us closer or not. There will be other people drift in and out of my life but I still feel torn. And trying hard to not let others affect my emotions is something that I have not yet perfected. If one ever does?

It's amazing how many of these stories have a parent causing the discord.

I never could understand that one..all i can think of maybe my mom was insecure about the sisters getting together and didnt want to be abandoned? This is in my thoughts for my mom. dont know about the others..but sometimes nothing makes sense..

Handsome Kitty said:

 
It's amazing how many of these stories have a parent causing the discord.

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Yeah.  My mom, with the best will in the world, and loving me desperately (but NOT healthily) did a real number on me.  I thought I was one of the few for a long time,then realized that unhealthy Mama/daughter relationships are almost the norm in the South, and now I'm wondering how any of us survived it.  I don't feel quite so alone now.  This thread gave me yet another sense of community here.  We don't all have the Cleever (Leave it to Beaver) family.  Not even most of us do.  That "normal" is, apparently, "abnormal."
 

Wow, foxxycat, bet you didn't expect this thread to go the way it has, but I'm so thankful that it did!

Captain Dave said:

"Family" to me doesn't just mean blood, but rather those whom we have allowed into our lives.

This often becomes more than apparent when something happens in your life that shakes your world, and it is those who come to you to help you through it that truly shine.

7 months ago, my wife passed away.

Those I now consider to TRULY be "family" are one friend, my father and step-mother, and my kitties.

However, there is always room in my heart for more...and some are just there by default - my grandmother, for instance. How can I not love this woman? She's about 4-foot-nothing, pure-blood Sicilian, and always shoving pasta in my face. That's her love right there...and that's a love I enjoy sharing as well. Cooking. That's our connection. That's our passion. That's who we are.

"Family" is often a strange concept to try and decipher...but you know it when you see it.

Click to expand...

I am so sorry for your loss. You have my condolences.