Remembering Kolo

My sweetheart, my most wonderful young cat, Kolo, was poisoned two days ago.

I live in Thailand, and this sometimes happens, usually with dogs, as an act of revenge against the animal or its owner.

I don't know why anyone would have killed my boy. I live on a quiet soi (street) and the neighbos all seemed to love him.

(To digress on one point...In Thailand, people are out on their patios, porches and balconies a lot. We live closer to one another than in the west, and there is a lot of socializing in "public." So Kolo and myself are well-known in my little enclave.)

Anyway, I don't think anyone hates me (but I guess you never know).

Who would murder an innocent, loving little cat?

Little girls dressed Kolo in doll clothes and carried him like a baby. He loved it.

He hung out on a couple of ladies' porches, keeping them company while they sewed and listed to Thai soaps on the radio. He seemed welcomed.

He loved my gentle guitar teacher so much, we sometimes had to move him to another room, so we complete our lesson.

He was incredibly and irrespresively friendly to everyone, a sweet neighborhood mascot.

Maybe that's what got him murdered.

Maybe someone didn't appreciate his universal friendliness. Maybe someone resented him, me, or both us for bringing cat-joy to our little neighborhood.

The pain I'm feeling is three-fold. The pain of his death, knowing he was actually murdered, and last, the lack of support here in my host country.

OK, so I screamed, cried, keened and basically lost it when I found him on my patio, and for the first 12 hours I was inconsolable. After several hours, I had two stiff drinks (thought it would calm me--it did not),Then I went out on our small soi, an image of my cat on my tablet, and called out, "Who killed my cat? WHO killed my cat?"

Now, if I had done this in the States, people would know I was newly grief-stricken, and if my public grieving died down pretty quickly, most people would surmise I was understandably traumatized and upset. OK, maybe these were not my finest moments, but they would NOT think I'm insane.

It's hard to gauge, but I am now thought of here in my little neighborhood as officially crazy, or people want nothing to do with me: someone who dismantled decorum, made noise, broke down, had a minor scene. Thais view all this public display of emotion as a huge no-no in every way.

So culturally, I blew it.

Also, Thais are notoriously insular: in the unlikely event it was considered that different cultures might grieve diffetently, 99% just wouldn't care.

Also, not everyone--but some folks--know who killed Kolo, and why. Thais love gossip, and biting chit-chat, but my neighbors are likely uncomfortable holding on to this secret in my presence.

So I am being shunned.

I am reminded that I am the "Farang" (white person, outsider), the person who will never be fully assimilated, someone who's seen a bit like a cartoon character, a symbol, a stereotype, not a separate, unique individual.

So I am without my loving Kolo, and have but a few people to reach out to locally. My Thai friends are being basically sweet, although I know they can't fathom the degree of my attachment to this small animal. They may secretly think this is eccentric, or may even think it's a symptom of "white privelege."

My western friends (here and at home) have spent a few minutes with emails and texts of sympathy, but you know, "people are busy," and they have their own lives.

So I am reaching out here.

It is awful enough to lose a cat via illness or accident, but when they died by someone's deliberate and cruel hands....

Let me put it this way...

I'm 60, spent my career as a nurse. My last career chapter was as a hospice nurse. I am no stranger to death, professionally and personally. I have also lost some sweet feline companions along the way, starting in childhood.

Nothing that has happened in my entire life is as bad as the pain I feel today. Nothing.

They say as you age, you learn how to "bounce:" you've undergone a terrible tragedy of some sort, but age and experience inform you that you actually WILL survive--and you do.

It doesn't feel that way this time.

Something in me has died. Hope is vanquished. I am not suicidal, but part of me wishes I just didn't have to wake up tomorrow morning, feeling OK for a split-second, and then remembering...

Waking up, reliving the realization of what's happened, knowing you will somehow have to slog through your day without going to pieces...oh, that's the worst part.

So I am t reaching out here.

If anyone has a moment to respond, even briefly, it would mean a lot to me. I know myself well enough to realize I need to communicate with real cat people, the folks that "get it."

Thank you for reading.

Kate

Dear Kate,  I'm SOO sorry about this whole situation.  I would react the same way as you, or maybe even worse!  Even here in the states, you run into lots of people who have no clue what or why you are grieving the loss of a pet.  They say "it's just a cat, get another one."  They truly don't get it!  But I'm sure it's not as bad as in Thailand where the entire culture looks down upon any kind of emotional outburst.  I wish I could give you some numbers to call for grief counseling.  There are quite a few listed on the pet loss web site on the main page.  Besides that, I can only say please come here and vent about this because nearly all of us understand the pain of losing a pet for whatever reasons.  And there are some really sad cases here.  I too am a nurse almost your age.  I took care of my mom until she died mostly without the help of my siblings, though I begged for it.  Our relationship is severed and there's been no contact with either of them in quite a while.  So I'm truly alone.  It's hard.  So my therapy is coming here to talk about my pets with other like-minded people who also really love cats.  It helps.  I hope this will help you too.  

Ginny,

Your kind words mean the world to me at this minute. Thank you so very much.

I've known so many great kitties, but Kolo was one-of-kind. He was so social, he was almost puppy-like. Also, he was entirely pure of heart. Not one mean bone. Innocent, ebullient, pure.

The way our small row of townhouses are constructed, Kolo could access everyone's balconies and patios. I asked around to make sure everybody was OK with his "visitations." Everyone did the perfunctory small smile, little head shake, and said "OK."

I didn't mention this earlier, but during the first 24 hours of anguish and no rest, I did go to the local laundry-lady and let her know there was a 2000 baht (~ 60 USD) reward for definitive information regarding his murder. I'm sure laundry-lady is working the case herself (2000 baht is a LOT of money) or has put the word out on the street. I even told her that I collected human DNA from the cat (a blatant lie--don't even know how I came up with that one).

In any event, this will not win me any popularity contests here. I am already an instant outcast, the crazy foreigner, the cat-screamer.

Perhaps in retrospect I shouldn't have put out a reward, but it's done now.

Another thing...and I only learned this is a few hours ago...sometimes the murder of a pet precedes an attack or robbery here: kind of a "heads up--you're next!" omen.

That was really comforting to discover!

Perhaps the reward will serve to protect me in the long-run, a proactive acknowlegement that I'm not taking this lying down.

Or it could blow up in my face. If someone hurts me--or worse--the police won't do much, believe me.

Changing gears...

Ginny, what you mentioned about your family really struck a chord. My aged mother is a classic narcissist, and one thing they're really good at (among their many evil talents) is to alienate the siblings from each other. I have two brothers and a sister. I had already severed ties with the brothers (both losers--no love lost). Now, I am letting go of my sister as well. Yep, good old Mom has made sure my sister is now passive-aggressive with me. Sis was downright cruel and sarcastic when I emailed her about Kolo's murder. Time to let go.

I am very alone in this world, Ginny. It sounds like you can relate on a level or two!

Thank you for sharing about your family estrangement. Sometimes I think those of us who been deeply wounded respond to cats In a different, more complex way than less wounded souls. And I know it's snobbishness in my part, but I think deep cat-communion eclipses what most (but by no means all) people have with their dogs.

(Please--no haters! I love dogs! But they can never be cats.)

I wish you were close by so I could give you a giant hug. Feel free to write again (no obligation), and I will be sure to reply.

Thank you again for your kindness and generosity of time and spirit.

Kate

This is an outrage!  When you describe Kolo's one of a kind personality, it makes it much sadder that he's gone.  He surely did not deserve such treatment.  No cat does!  But it's especially sad to hear of one who loved people and didn't have a mean thought, ever being mistreated so badly like this!  I hope your reward works.  Are there animal cruelty laws at all where you live?

I hope you have a gun.  That's kind of scary that this sometimes precedes a robbery. I'm kind of glad you know about it, just in case, so you can be prepared.  Do you have a camera security system?  That'd be helpful.  How horrible to strike someone when they are already down.  But criminals do not have any thought for that.  

It's funny you mention what you did about your mom being narcissistic and an instigator.  It couldn't be less true in my mom's case.  She was very kind and giving and she just did not like to deal with bad thoughts or bad situations.  She would always overlook someone being mean to her and given her gentle personality, that happened a lot.  Ironically, both sisters are this way as well.  What I mean is they like to sweep all bad thoughts under the rug like mom did.  The oldest is the instigator, the other one feels entitled to treat others the way it seems right to her, so both are very unlike my mom in that way, but they still like to not face anything bad, no matter the cost.  

She begged me to overlook them and be reconciled.  I gave them the chance, but they refused.  What more can I do?  They are both "Christians", and I use that term very loosely.  They attend church, they look down their nose at me because I don't.  But they couldn't be bothered to help out their sister and mother when it was sorely needed.  Despite all this my mom always "turned the other cheek"  and returned good for evil and thanked them for any help they did give.  

I'm sorry that here I am going on about me.  I think I'm just a tad sorry for myself because I am out of work sick this weekend with the flu.  

I hope others will soon join in and support you with their kind words.  Again, I'm so sorry about the loss of your dear Kolo in such a way.  It makes me very angry.

I am so horrified that someone would do this! It sounds like your cat was so sweet and loving. It is a terrible thing to loose a cat, but to have someone purposefully kill it is just terrible. I am so sorry for your loss and that you are feeling so alone over there. I really do hope you can find the person who did this. It'll never bring him back, but somehow not knowing seems worse. Sending hugs your way!

Ginny,

Again, thanks for your response. Words like your are a lifeline just now.

Thailand just instituted its first animal cruelty law. And the law looks good "on paper." The law now "protects" elephants (they are exploited a lot in tourism), domestic, agricultural, and "working" animals--

ON PAPER.

Although the first person has now been charged and is awaiting trial (he strangled a cat [who survived] and posted it on YouTube), this is mainly "for show," because international animal protection groups have been leaning hard on Thailand to change its ways.

But nothing much has changed--or will for years to come. Maybe the high-profile tourist "elephant camps" will have to clean up their acts a bit, but not because it's the moral thing to do. Not a chance--it will only be to "save face," and bolster declining tourism.

Mainly, people tolerate/ignore animal murders like Kolo's. People look the other way, distance themselves from involvement. And people like me who get riled up and speak out (and I have two strikes against me--I'm a foreigner AND female), well...things could get bad for me. Thais deplore criticism from outsiders, and as a mere woman--well I should just shut up.

Putting a reward out might have dire consequences for me. I might find out who killed Kolo, but there will be no community outrage or support.

And If I "out" the killer (resulting in "loss of face"), this will be seen as a FAR worse crime than the murder itself. In fact, if I were to be murdered because I caused someone to "lose face," it would be likely that the killer would easily walk away, scot-free.

Causing "loss of face" is not to be taken lightly in this culture.

Moving on...

I am someone that thinks that forgiveness is sometimes overrated, and accepance might be as close as some of us can come in cases such as mine.

And then, sometimes, revenge sounds like a good option (!)

But I know the sweetness of revenge would carry the worst bitter aftertaste of all, and boomerang back into self-loathing.

So although I may fantasize about having a hit put on on my cat-killer(s), I know it will never come to pass.

But, if I thought I could do it with no harm coming to me, I might have a curse placed on the murderer. It matters not one bit that I do not believe in curses--the Thais do.

Anyway, these are the machinations of a sleep-deprived, culturally isolated, grieving "mom" only 2.5 days since the crime...It is unlike me to think of--or speak of--revenge...

And no, I do not have a gun. Only police, the Thai Mafia, the wealthy, and certain well-off independent criminals own them, so no gun options for me.

I know I might be in some degree of danger, but I am not leaving. It's not from bravery--I am too drained and exhausted to think of leaving my home.

So if they get me, they just do...I am too tired to run away.

Kate

NY 1303,

Thank you so much for your reply. I so appreciate it.

About finding the killer....

As I just said in a post to Ginny, if I find the killer and expose their identity, it will cause the killer to "lose face."

Causing someone (even a cold-blooded cat killer) to "lose face" would be seen as a FAR worse crime than the actual murder.

In fact, if someone murdered ME because I caused them to "lose face," there would be a high likelihood that the murdeter would go free.

How twisted is that?

I am considering (if I can discreetly identify the killer without them "losing face" in the process) of having a local shaman place a curse on them.

I don't believe curses work, but Thais do.

I love living in Thailand, but this whole "face" thing is some messed-up priorities.

Sorry, I'm venting and rambling...I've barely slept...the grief is killing me.

Thank you for reaching out.

Kate

Kate, I'm so so sorry for your loss of Kolo. I know words can't help very much but know that I am thinking about you. I wish there was something more I could do.

Jenny,

Your words DO help.

Right now I am overwhelmed by the darkness of this heinous crime. I may actually be at risk for harm as well.

At home, any reasonable person would immediately go to the police to report a crime like this.

Here? What a joke. No need to even bother. You have to pay police to "work" on your complaint, and it would be a double-win for the police to shake me down for money, then (predictably) come up with nothing, and have the secret satisfaction of screwing me over--twice.

That is why your words DO matter. In the midst of this awful crime, coupled with the realization that there will be no justice, your kind words remind me there is goodness (and goodness of the highest order: cat-goodness!) in the world.

Your words pierce my pain, dspair and cymicis, and let in a sliver of light.

Your words DO matter.

Thank you, Jenny, for reaching out to me at this time.

Sending love and appreciation,

Kate

How absolutely horrible! I am so sorry that your precious cat companion was poisoned! My heart aches for you and can empathize with your frustration and wanting retribution!

Just know that you have many new friends here at TCS that understand your grief and want to be here to support you! Please try to stay safe and keep us posted on how you're doing.

~Tina

Kate, I am so sorry for you. I know what it is to lose a wonderful companion, and to have it done deliberately makes it worse. What hard-hearted people those neighbors are, leaving no recourse for you or your grief. I know how it is to have a part of you die inside. There is nothing that can replace it. I am so sorry and wish I could help make it better for you. Please be careful and don't let anything happen to you, either.

Is there any way you can move? It sounds like the enclave where you are now is not a good place to be. Another place some distance away would be much better for you.

I cry with you, I know the terrible feelings of outrage and helplessness that accompany something like this. My neighbor's dog came into MY yard and killed my beloved Ernie, after repeated requests to the sheriff and the neighbor that the dog was vicious. After he started to attack joggers and the neighbors grandchild I finally heard a shot in the middle of the night and knew that it was the end of his terrorizing. But it did not bring back my cat, it didn't heal my broken heart, We cannot change the past, but hopefully learn from the experience about the nature of people and who are truly our friends. You live in a culture that is not attuned to loving an animal like we are, like many older people in our world, animals are there in their world, but not in their hearts. Your sweet Kolo would never want to be the reason for your pain, you have formed a bond with him that nothing can ever break, not even death. He will be with you always, in your precious memories and dwelling in that special place in your heart. Don't fill that place with darkness and grief, you must mourn now because he was a special family member, a big part of your life, but eventually that place he shares with you must be filled with sunshine and happiness again, the love you shared deserves it. 

Was an autopsy performed? Do you know for certain that he was poisoned and not hit by a car or had an undetected heart condition that causes many of the symptoms of poisoning, foaming at the mouth, etc.I surely don't mean to question you, but to maybe give you reason to believe it may not have been murder and to begin the healing of your heart, It doesn't change the outcome but may bring you some kind of peace.

Please try to celebrate the love and the time you shared with that special little soul, hold on to the legacy he left you, the ability to love so very much, and one day pass it on to another, your heart is big enough to hold many loves, he taught you that. Try to surround yourself with people who care and understand the great loss you are going through, such as those on this site, we will share your grief and try to make it more manageable. I will pray for you both, for you dear Kate, to know you aren't alone, and  to find peace, and for Kilo to have a swift journey to the Rainbow Bridge, I know he is at peace because he knows he was loved so very much. RIP beautiful Kolo, you will never be forgotten and will be forever held in a loving heart! 

What a weird culture.  One that blames the victim for exposing the killer? Shouldn't the killer be exposed and lose face??  I know this goes on everywhere in little ways, but it's not our culture to blame the victim.  Sounds like not a whole lot of justice going on over there in Thailand.  I'd never want to move there.  At least they do have some laws even if they are the result of pressure from other groups.  They need even more pressure applied to them to keep it going in that direction.  Animals have rights, whether a culture believes they do or not.  It takes a long time to change well-established mindsets.    But this is how change happens, slowly.  

I hope none of what you fear happens.  I hope you stay safe. I wish there was something I could do to help.  Maybe after some time passes, you will feel more like moving to a safer area, if that even exists in Thailand.  

I hope you're not in any danger Kate, I hope you're doing okay.

Kate, do give us an update. We're concerned about you.

Your Kolo sounded like a very special kitty I am so sorry that this happened.

Thinking of you!

Doing OK.

I have been reassured that I'm not in danger.

Seems only (watch)dogs are murdered before burglaries or home invasions.

I am safe.

Thanks you,

Kate

Kate, I have just seen this thread for the first time and am horrified beyond words about what happened to Kolo and what is happening to you because of your response.  Losing a dearly loved cat under any circumstances hurts beyond words, but to lose one in such a way as you lost Kolo adds an extra dimension to the loss.   The entire situation just breaks my heart - for Kolo and for you because you are not getting the kind of support that would help you right now.  I do understand in some small way what you are talking about when you discuss the cultural difference as I grew up in cultures that would probably respond in a similar way.  It is very hard right now that on top of your deep grief, you also feel so isolated.  I wish you had just one person there with whom you could discuss this face to face and get the comfort and understanding you deserve.  I am sending you virtual hugs, for what that's worth.  (((((Kate)))))   

Kolo sounds like he was a wonderful cat and it does sound like most of your neighbors were very fond of him.  I am sure he brought a lot of happiness to your street - it sounds like the children adored him.  In a way, he was an ambassador for all cats to people who never learned to value them.  Undoubtedly some, maybe even many, of your neighbors miss him.  And the children who dressed him up and played with him will grow up looking at cats differently because of him.  Although it has caused you pain almost beyond bearing, I am sure that in a small way, you and Kolo have made a difference.

So glad to hear from you again. And that you are safe. Please know I am thinking about you and know how hard these first days and weeks are after losing your precious Kolo. Hugs!