My houseguests from hell

Margret

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MOD NOTE - Discussion moved from this thread - http://www.thecatsite.com/t/315630/time-running-out#post_3957523

That's so terrible and I'm sorry for your loss.
Who are these house guests from hell?
After my brain surgery and arm surgery in 2012 (benign 2" brain tumor, and left forearm broken in three places) I was tending to fall down and my Dear Husband was afraid that I would need help he would be unable to give me.  His nephew and the nephew's wife and 13 year old daughter were having trouble paying the rent, the wife was a Certified Nursing Assistant studying to be a nurse, inviting them to stay with us and help to care for me seemed like a win-win.

There were problems from the first.  The wife cleaned by throwing things away.  She also stole from me, she attacked my religious beliefs, and she openly held me in contempt.  I didn't have a driver's license (because of the brain tumor), and my husband was away from home, at work, most of the time, so he didn't understand just how bad it was.  Most of my complaints he put down to residual damage from the brain tumor.

Within six months I had been taught by my O.T.s how to get up on my own in any situation, so there was no longer any need for their presence, but they stayed, and stayed.  One day my D.H. turned around and discovered them painting the inside of the house behind his back.  We had had an expensive cat door installed for Sweet Thing when we first bought the house, because Sweet Thing had always been an indoor/outdoor kitty and could look after herself, but ever since her death we had kept it locked closed.  (Very expensive.)  When nephew and wife got to the cat door they were afraid that they'd get house paint on it and decided to remove it.  In the process they broke it and replaced it with a simple, cheap cat flap.  D.H. and I were sufficiently distracted by my recovery that we didn't realize in time what had happened.  Once I did, I said that I wanted them out, but D.H. felt obliged to let them stay.

Then one day nephew's wife got me in a corner in the basement, with only her daughter to witness it, and began screaming insane things in my face.  I pushed her enough to get past her and leave, she followed me, shoving me all the way (I later found a bruise on my right breast from where she repeatedly shoved me — I was backing up, attempting to defend myself) until I tripped over the bottom basement step and fell in the landing, extremely hard.  Then she shoved my my feet up onto the landing and closed and locked the door.  I managed to get on my feet and up the stairs, too badly bruised to sleep that night, and the next day I told them they had worn out their welcome; it was time to leave.  Two weeks later there was no sign that they were even trying to find a new home, so my cousin the lawyer emailed me a copy of Colorado's official eviction notice, which we both signed.  I filled it out, and one night after nephew's wife was in bed I handed it to nephew and said "You've been served."  It took another two months, but we finally got rid of them, a year after they moved in.

When D.H. asked nephew's wife why she'd over-reacted so strongly to my pushing past her, BTW, nephew's wife didn't say "I was just defending myself" or "Margret started it"; she said "Because Margret's crazy."  That was when D.H. finally realized I hadn't been imagining her malice.

Nephew's wife is now a nurse.  If I could have charged her with elder abuse without endangering myself I would have, but my cousin advised me that that would put me in danger of a domestic abuse charge because I pushed first.  I wouldn't push a rape victim to testify if she were afraid, and I won't do it to myself, either, even though it would be a public service to keep this woman from any kind of care giving work.

Margret
 
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foxxycat

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After my brain surgery and arm surgery in 2012 (benign 2" brain tumor, and left forearm broken in three places) I was tending to fall down and my Dear Husband was afraid that I would need help he would be unable to give me.  His nephew and the nephew's wife and 13 year old daughter were having trouble paying the rent, the wife was a Certified Nursing Assistant studying to be a nurse, inviting them to stay with us and help to care for me seemed like a win-win.

There were problems from the first.  The wife cleaned by throwing things away.  She also stole from me, she attacked my religious beliefs, and she openly held me in contempt.  I didn't have a driver's license (because of the brain tumor), and my husband was away from home, at work, most of the time, so he didn't understand just how bad it was.  Most of my complaints he put down to residual damage from the brain tumor.

Within six months I had been taught by my O.T.s how to get up on my own in any situation, so there was no longer any need for their presence, but they stayed, and stayed.  One day my D.H. turned around and discovered them painting the inside of the house behind his back.  We had had an expensive cat door installed for Sweet Thing when we first bought the house, because Sweet Thing had always been an indoor/outdoor kitty and could look after herself, but ever since her death we had kept it locked closed.  (Very expensive.)  When nephew and wife got to the cat door they were afraid that they'd get house paint on it and decided to remove it.  In the process they broke it and replaced it with a simple, cheap cat flap.  D.H. and I were sufficiently distracted by my recovery that we didn't realize in time what had happened.  Once I did, I said that I wanted them out, but D.H. felt obliged to let them stay.

Then one day nephew's wife got me in a corner in the basement, with only her daughter to witness it, and began screaming insane things in my face.  I pushed her enough to get past her and leave, she followed me, shoving me all the way (I later found a bruise on my right breast from where she repeatedly shoved me — I was backing up, attempting to defend myself) until I tripped over the bottom basement step and fell in the landing, extremely hard.  Then she shoved my my feet up onto the landing and closed and locked the door.  I managed to get on my feet and up the stairs, too badly bruised to sleep that night, and the next day I told them they had worn out their welcome; it was time to leave.  Two weeks later there was no sign that they were even trying to find a new home, so my cousin the lawyer emailed me a copy of Colorado's official eviction notice, which we both signed.  I filled it out, and one night after nephew's wife was in bed I handed it to nephew and said "You've been served."  It took another two months, but we finally got rid of them, a year after they moved in.

When D.H. asked nephew's wife why she'd over-reacted so strongly to my pushing past her, BTW, nephew's wife didn't say "I was just defending myself" or "Margret started it"; she said "Because Margret's crazy."  That was when D.H. finally realized I hadn't been imagining her malice.

Nephew's wife is now a nurse.  If I could have charged her with elder abuse without endangering myself I would have, but my cousin advised me that that would put me in danger of a domestic abuse charge because I pushed first.  I wouldn't push a rape victim to testify if she were afraid, and I won't do it to myself, either, even though it would be a public service to keep this woman from any kind of care giving work.

Margret
ohhh these kind of people make me ANGRY! I am horrified that people act like this. Sending you tons of hugs and energy. I don't understand how people think its ok to act like an butthead. And you should feel safe in your own home not worrying about someone hurting you physically and mentally. Bunch of
. So glad that you are now free. And hopefully they will stay away from you.

As far as worry about the older kits-yes very much so. I have an older girl around 16/17? and she is healthier than my 12 yr old. my 12 yr old has bad arthritis and eye issues. I have been treating the eye with ointment but it doesnt look like its getting better-so yes I worry because yesterday was so warm and she still wanted to sleep in the house. I was given gaba for the pain and she absolutely hates it-last night I gave her some-I still can't get the entire 1ml in her-she fights me so I am only able to get .6ml in her-I worry about her as she is my quiet submissive kitty. She used to be happy when it was only Floey and her but I adopted a young rambunctios asthmatic kitty and I dread the thought of rehoming her. So many people I just can't trust. I don't know if she would be happier with other cats or by herself. But my 12 yr old has slowed down quite a bit in 2 years. we do bloodwork every july and she is perfect. Shes still eating and drinking-but depressed..so I have to make a better effort to spend more time with her-she gets so jealous of my other kitty. I am in the process of dumping clutter in the office to set up a cot and sleep in there as she spends most of her time there or on the couch next to daddy-which means no room for me. yes I worry. And have lost cats in the past-and always wished I could be like them and live in the moment...in the end all we can do is be gentle with ourselves. Just remember we all are doing the best we can with what we have.
 

Kat0121

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After my brain surgery and arm surgery in 2012 (benign 2" brain tumor, and left forearm broken in three places) I was tending to fall down and my Dear Husband was afraid that I would need help he would be unable to give me.  His nephew and the nephew's wife and 13 year old daughter were having trouble paying the rent, the wife was a Certified Nursing Assistant studying to be a nurse, inviting them to stay with us and help to care for me seemed like a win-win.

There were problems from the first.  The wife cleaned by throwing things away.  She also stole from me, she attacked my religious beliefs, and she openly held me in contempt.  I didn't have a driver's license (because of the brain tumor), and my husband was away from home, at work, most of the time, so he didn't understand just how bad it was.  Most of my complaints he put down to residual damage from the brain tumor.

Within six months I had been taught by my O.T.s how to get up on my own in any situation, so there was no longer any need for their presence, but they stayed, and stayed.  One day my D.H. turned around and discovered them painting the inside of the house behind his back.  We had had an expensive cat door installed for Sweet Thing when we first bought the house, because Sweet Thing had always been an indoor/outdoor kitty and could look after herself, but ever since her death we had kept it locked closed.  (Very expensive.)  When nephew and wife got to the cat door they were afraid that they'd get house paint on it and decided to remove it.  In the process they broke it and replaced it with a simple, cheap cat flap.  D.H. and I were sufficiently distracted by my recovery that we didn't realize in time what had happened.  Once I did, I said that I wanted them out, but D.H. felt obliged to let them stay.

Then one day nephew's wife got me in a corner in the basement, with only her daughter to witness it, and began screaming insane things in my face.  I pushed her enough to get past her and leave, she followed me, shoving me all the way (I later found a bruise on my right breast from where she repeatedly shoved me — I was backing up, attempting to defend myself) until I tripped over the bottom basement step and fell in the landing, extremely hard.  Then she shoved my my feet up onto the landing and closed and locked the door.  I managed to get on my feet and up the stairs, too badly bruised to sleep that night, and the next day I told them they had worn out their welcome; it was time to leave.  Two weeks later there was no sign that they were even trying to find a new home, so my cousin the lawyer emailed me a copy of Colorado's official eviction notice, which we both signed.  I filled it out, and one night after nephew's wife was in bed I handed it to nephew and said "You've been served."  It took another two months, but we finally got rid of them, a year after they moved in.

When D.H. asked nephew's wife why she'd over-reacted so strongly to my pushing past her, BTW, nephew's wife didn't say "I was just defending myself" or "Margret started it"; she said "Because Margret's crazy."  That was when D.H. finally realized I hadn't been imagining her malice.

Nephew's wife is now a nurse.  If I could have charged her with elder abuse without endangering myself I would have, but my cousin advised me that that would put me in danger of a domestic abuse charge because I pushed first.  I wouldn't push a rape victim to testify if she were afraid, and I won't do it to myself, either, even though it would be a public service to keep this woman from any kind of care giving work.

Margret
Oh that is awful. i'm so sorry that you had to go through that 


If that is the kind of person she is, you wouldn't have to testify about anything. She will repeat this behavior and she will get caught. People don't change. She'll steal from a patient or treat one cruelly. She will be reported or her behavior will be witnessed and things will go from there. Karma will come back and bite her in the hindquarters. 
 
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Margret

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Oh that is awful. i'm so sorry that you had to go through that 


If that is the kind of person she is, you wouldn't have to testify about anything. She will repeat this behavior and she will get caught. People don't change. She'll steal from a patient or treat one cruelly. She will be reported or her behavior will be witnessed and things will go from there. Karma will come back and bite her in the hindquarters. 
Yes.  I just hope she's caught at something more minor than actual physical abuse; I hate to think of someone else being hurt like that, and for many people what happened to me would have led to broken bones or worse; for a truly vulnerable patient it could have been fatal.

She once told me I needed to go on estrogen replacement therapy, apparently because she thought it would "improve" my personality.  This at a time when doctors are trying desperately to ween older women off of ERT.

Some of it has to be put down to culture shock; the woman is from Russia, and all sorts of body language signals can get crossed between cultures.  Comfortable speaking distance is different, for instance; what is friendly in one culture is threatening in another, and it's extremely difficult to identify the problem.  Even so, nothing justifies physical abuse of a patient by a caregiver, in any culture that I know of.

I do occasionally have to see her -- there was a family funeral a couple of months ago, for instance; mostly I studiously ignore her, and she reciprocates.  And I've made it very plain that if she ever shows up here again I'll have her charged with trespassing.  And I changed all the locks.  I may be "crazy," but I'm not stupid.


Margret
 

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You're certainly not crazy but she is though. Lucky your husband finally saw what was going on. She could have killed you.
What part of Russia is she from and how long has she been in America?

I'm so sorry you went through this awful trauma. You must have been quite frightened.
 
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Margret

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You're certainly not crazy but she is though. Lucky your husband finally saw what was going on. She could have killed you.
What part of Russia is she from and how long has she been in America?

I'm so sorry you went through this awful trauma. You must have been quite frightened.
At this point, she's been in the U.S. about 8 years, according to D.H..  That means 5 years when the assault occurred, 4 years when they moved in with us.  I think Siberia, of all places, which is rather a large region.  And I believe I was told that her family would sometimes go shopping in China, which would make it eastern Siberia.

I have a bit of PTSD (not enough for a proper diagnosis, but it's still PTSD), but it's less about her than about the helpless feeling shortly after the assault when D.H. was in the hospital and had less than a 60% chance of surviving, according to the phone call I got one morning, and me with no driver's license to get to him.  If you look at the picture on my profile page, there was a time when I feared it was the last picture of D.H. I'd ever have.  Also, although D.H. had co-signed the eviction notice just before he was hospitalized, his illness was the reason I had to finish filling out the form and serve it myself.

What I really regret about that year was that it effectively drove a wedge between me and my husband, which we're still working on getting rid of.  It was a difficult time all around.

We all learn from experience, at least we hope we do.  I have learned to stand up more for myself; to recognize the trouble signs and not allow anyone to over-rule my judgment when I'm frightened.  Clearly, I should have insisted that they leave as soon as I realized they were the cause of Floppy's death.  Never again.  And we've agreed that, in future, all guests are here only with the agreement of both of us, and that either of us can rescind that agreement at any time.  A perfectly reasonable rule, but one we never had before because we never needed it before.

Experience is an excellent teacher.  Unfortunately, the lessons tend to come just after we needed them.

Margret
 

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I'm sorry this has put a wedge between you and your husband but I fail to see what his problem is. He brought these people in and as soon as you mentioned problems he should have been on your.side and dealt with the problem. After all you are his wife and he owes you his complete trust. I hope you're both able to get past this and back to a loving relationship.
May I ask how old you are? ,
 
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Margret

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I'm sorry this has put a wedge between you and your husband but I fail to see what his problem is. He brought these people in and as soon as you mentioned problems he should have been on your.side and dealt with the problem. After all you are his wife and he owes you his complete trust. I hope you're both able to get past this and back to a loving relationship.
May I ask how old you are? ,
63.  Remember he was coming down from a decade of worsening dementia on my part.  As in, he'd tried to tell me that I was suffering from dementia and needed to visit a doctor, and I'd say "I don't have Alzheimer's."  (Quite correctly, BTW.)  I had used to know that there was such a thing as non-Alzheimer's dementia -- I had an uncle who suffered from it -- but at that point all I could remember was that "dementia" was a synonym for "Alzheimer's."

Somehow, he missed the fact that I was actually getting up in the middle of the night to make sandwiches and put water in a bottle so that I could stay behind a locked bedroom door all day, except for quick bathroom runs.

I agree.  His first loyalty should have been to me, and I said so to him at the time, repeatedly.  And it didn't help.  When they came to live with us, my husband didn't really know the nephew's wife.  He had met her once, and she had seemed very demure.  And when he invited them to stay (apparently with my approval, though I don't remember giving it) he honestly believed I was dying.  He thought that it would be comforting, after my death, to have relatives in the house, so it wouldn't seem so empty.  So when he invited them, he said that they could stay until the 13 year old daughter graduated from high school.  He felt bound by that promise, and uncertain how much of what I was reporting was really fact based.  And he has always preferred to avoid conflict.

Also, the nephew's wife was extremely careful to be sure that my husband wasn't there to witness her in the act, not just the actual physical abuse, but also the verbal attacks.

It sounds like I'm making excuses for him.  I'm not, any more than I make excuses for the woman who abused me when I say that there may have been some culture shock going on.  My husband made some serious mistakes during that year, as even he admits, and he has apologized for them.  But it takes time to heal from the trauma of being disbelieved by the one you most need to trust you and have your back.  So, even though I've forgiven him, I still find myself not quite trusting that I can rely on him in a pinch.  I believe that I can; he does understand what he did wrong and is genuinely sorry for it, and he's intelligent enough to have learned from the experience.  I just don't feel that I can.  That takes longer.  Marriage, at least if you care about it, takes work sometimes.  We all make mistakes.  If we're honorable people, like my husband, we own up to them and try to make amends.  And if we're dishonorable, like the house guests from hell, we just try to avoid the consequences of our actions.  There's the difference, and the reason why the marriage survives despite the mistakes.

Unfortunately, at this point it's extremely likely that I will outlive my husband by two or three decades.  I just hope we have time to actually put this behind us before he goes, but I know that it won't happen by refusing to confront and deal with the issues that have been raised.

And, please everybody,

Avoid aspartame like the plague!

I know; that sounds like a non sequitur, but there's a reasonable chance that my brain tumor was caused by drinking soft drinks containing that stuff in the 1980s.  I'm just lucky the tumor was benign.

Margret
 
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