Heartbroken today

My four-legged children are my only family and I love them beyond words. I left my abusive husband to protect them. This last year has been very difficult and I had to put my IBD kitty down just 7 weeks ago. That was hard, but I had time to prepare. Now something terrible has happened and it feels unbearable.

My beautiful 14-yr-old kitty was finally diagnosed with intestinal lymphoma after spending months in misery vomiting, refusing to eat, losing weight, hunching over in pain, and being robbed of all her enjoyment in life. She almost died last week but perked up with some potassium and fluid therapy. I brought her home with meds and she started looking interested again and nibbling her food. She cuddled with the other cats this past weekend and even started purring again in my lap. I was so relieved and happy to have my precious girl on the mend and a plan in place to begin chemo treatment.

Sunday night I was extra tired from the stress of the past week. I let the dogs out as usual into the backyard and did not notice that my cat slipped out into the yard. She never wanted to go out at night before. I closed the door a few minutes later after the dogs came in and went to bed.

The next morning my cat was not inside the house and I searched for half an hour in her usual hiding places. Finally something told me to go outside and I saw her. She was stretched out on my neighbor's driveway. I ran to her and saw immediately that she was gone. I picked her up and she was still warm. But gone. If I had gone outside to start with, she might still be here. If I had checked her bed again last night, she would be safe. I can only assume that she wanted some adventure after being cooped up and sick for so long.
But she couldn't get back in the house (although the door to the garage was open.)

Why was she was taken away when she'd just been given another chance? Why did she go outside late at night? Why didn't she go into the garage where there are warm fleece beds? Why did my neighbor hit her with her car and leave her to die? She knew my cat. Why couldn't I have found her earlier if only so she didn't die alone, scared and in pain?

My precious angel could have lived months, maybe years more.

Another pic of my beautiful girl.

You did not let her out on purpose. I have no idea what to say to comfort you. I know the pain of losing a heartbeat. I can't think that your neighbors hit her on purpose. I beat myself up daily for taking my baby to the vet from hell. Which like your cat getting out started a chain of events that neither of us had control of. Neither of us would think of hurting our beloved cats. We just wouldn't. Please release the guilt for being human. The grief itself is all consuming right now. Don't saddle yourself with guilt.

She was indeed beautiful. What eyes she had.

The guilt you are going through is a natural part of the grieving process, but believe me (as one who has been there) it brings nothings but pain and sorrow to dwell on all those should haves, could haves. There is nothing you can do to change the past, no matter how much we want it to be so, the only thing to cling to is that you loved that little girl and would do nothing in this world to hurt her on purpose. It was a horrible accident, but was never intentional, and she will never hold that against you, she loves you too much for you to be going through such pain. She may have wanted to spare you the pain of seeing her decline and  the inevitable end, and with cancer it is never a good one. She may indeed have wanted to have that one last fling of adventure and freedom. Hold on to the fact that she is free of pain now and died under her own decisions, she would never want you to blame yourself for something you had no conscious control over. Think if the situation was reversed, you would want her to go on with her life and be happy again, and she wants no less for you.

She will be with you as long as you live, the bond you have will never leave you, let your precious memories comfort you.She is at peace now, no more pain, and she has rejoined her loved one at the Rainbow Bridge, where they will both be safe and warm on the laps of angels. Through my own experience I know of the regret and guilt we go through. Only time will soften the edges, I'll pray for you and keep you both in my thoughts, please know you are not alone in your grief and there are many who care and understand, take care............ RIP precious little girl, you were greatly loved and will be held in a loving heart for eternity! 

Thank you so much for your comments. I hope the guilt lessens with time and that she does know how very treasured and missed she is and will always be. I appreciate your kindness.

I am so sorry about your sweet girl. Please be gentle with yourself over this.  Cats are masters at slipping out open doors undetected and this was not your fault.  You gave your kitty many years of a good home, filled with love and caring, and that is what counts.  She knew she was loved and she loved you in return. Looking at her picture, I see a beautiful healthy and happy cat - it was you who made this possible. I hope with time you find comfort in memories of the good times.

Rest in peace little girl.      

 

I am so sorry, RIP sweet girl

Cats often look for a place to hide when they are ready to die. Please do not blame yourself for any of this. Your cat wanted her last adventure, and wanted to leave this world on her terms, sparing you the grief of seeing her die. She loves you beyond words, and is healthy and happy now, having shed her sick body. Ironically, she feels more alive after physical death. The bonds of love do not break, and you will see her again someday. In the meantime, she is making friends, and is being cared for in heaven. This is not good-bye, but "Until we meet again." You gave her a loving home -- something many cats do not have. She was lucky indeed to call you her mom.

I am so sorry for your loss. She was such a beautiful girl. I especially love that picture of her by the fireplace. I hope it was swift for her and that she was not in pain. And to echo others, please do not put the guilt on yourself. The what-ifs are just going to eat you alive if you let them. Eric may be right, it's entirely possible that, even though she had a brief moment of getting better, she went out to find a place to die. Even humans will sometimes have a "rebound" and then suddenly crash. It's almost like being given one last gift.

Please try to remember this last weekend with her, and how wonderful it was. That's a gift that no one can take from you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. She was very beautiful. It wasn't your fault, please try to know that. RIP sweet kitty.

Ma'am, I grieve with you on the loss of your precious angel. I know that you have many whys going on through your mind, and that is only natural. But you are not to blame. Your angel had a time on this earth, and it was time for her to cross that Bridge, and please know that she will never have to hurt or struggle with her pain ever again. I know this is hard, but please try to take this into account. As for why your cat was outside, hard to say. Maybe she felt it would be better to be out in the natural world at this moment. Maybe she knew it was her time, and she did not want to pass inside. I cannot say why your neighbor did what she did, but it is quite possible that she may not have known that she ran over your angel. All I can say for sure is this: your baby is in a much better place. A place where she will not hurt, suffer, cry, or struggle. For now, know that it is normal to grieve. You do your kitty no disrespect for doing so, in fact, quite the opposite is true. And you aren't disrespecting yourself, either. Many thoughts and prayers from me to you.

Rest in peace, precious companion. Angel eternal.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl.

A beautiful girl.  I'm very sorry for your loss.  You've been through a lot and did so much to help her.  Please don't blame yourself; it wasn't your fault.    

It certainly wasn't. These things do happen, and while I know that this knowledge doesn't make it feel any better, it is a fact. My prayers to you.