Hit Bottom

I think I'm learning what it feels like to "hit bottom", working to start over and climb back up, very difficult.

My significant other and I shared a home and cat friends for more than 20 years of our 30 year relationship. We grew apart and should have split before we did, the one thing we continued to share was our mutual love of our cat friends, most recently Willis and Vivian. Both cats were very attached to us, Willis maybe a little more to me and Vivian maybe a little more to him. We agreed in September it wasn't healthy for us to stay together for the cats only, and we split the end of September, with me staying in our house to look after health care for our cats who both had chronic serious conditions and had lived all of their 11+ years in this house. I was especially worried how Vivian would take this, as she spent so many of her waking hours in his company. He continued to visit the cats each week, but it wasn't the same for him or for the cats. Very difficult for all concerned. Willis' health had taken a turn for the worse in September, and I spent most of the time I wasn't at work nursing his increasing trouble with nasal disease. Though he had battled it for two years, I never dreamed until this point it would ultimately take him down. But it did. He lost weight at an alarming rate, his symptoms got very bad and, despite all medical care I could give him, he died November 3 presumably of nasal disease that had evolved into cancer. Our hearts broke for the loss of Willis, but our concerns now turned to Vivian, who had now suffered the loss of her best cat friend - they were one of those inseparable pairs of cats for more than10 years - and for all intents and purposes but for once a week, her very important human companion was gone.

As she had always done when she couldn't find him, she called out for Willis, and she called out for her other human companion, and in those moments there was very little I could do to comfort her, though we did grow very close during that time, it was now just the two of us. Vivian had battled intestinal disease, thyroid disease, arthritis, pred induced diabetes so there were valid concerns for her health and what effect the loss of her friends would have on her. She appeared to do ok at first, looking back I don't think that was the case at all. It just took a few weeks for her downward spiral to make itself apparent. Her intestinal disease worsened, presumably now cancer as well. I was incredulous, I just could not believe this was happening again just weeks after losing Willis. About a week before she died I realized the end was near for her, and though I continued to provide increasing amounts of meds, veterinary care, home hospice care, she just got too weak, too sick, stopped eating - many of you likely know the signs that the end is near.

Shed died December 14. I do believe the stress from the loss of both a human and feline companion to whom she was so closely attached aggravated her illness and weakened her to the point she could not recover. I don't know that it was avoidable. The humans needed to be apart, there was really no bad guy here, and seeing each of our cats through their final weeks, days and moments brought us together one last time to love and hold and nurse and lose the last ties we had to each other: Willis and Vivian.

So here I am. My household went from 4 to 3 to 2 to 1 in less than three months. I appreciate how alone my human companion felt when he moved away, after all I never felt alone while I had the company of my cats, and then still when I had just Vivian. For the past month and a half I have known what it is to truly be alone in a house that has not been without a cat in 20 years. So quiet, though I can see and hear them still in my mind's eye. My hours away from work are no longer spent nursing/holding/comforting/loving sick cats. My human relationship has no further need to continue, so even though I lost that person a long time ago, and though I was the one to initiate the termination of the living arrangement,  I really just lost him again. I almost can't even believe this is me experiencing this situation, though I am reminded of it at all times of the day and night. I have lost all those who were closest to me, so I know what bottom feels like. I am trying very hard to push off the bottom and reach up and out. Not easy.

I have loved and lost 7 cats in my lifetime, each loss more difficult than the one before. I have loved each one so, invested so much of myself emotionally, physically, financially. I miss them terribly, but for the first time I feel that I just can't open my heart again, for it is in pieces. Though obviously a cat lover, I can't bear the thought of becoming so attached to another cat who will get sick and die. I need to heal myself now. It must be very depressing to read these grieving pieces, usually too much for me, if anyone has made it this far, thank you.

It is so very hard to drag yourself into the land of the living again, the heartache of losing so much in such a short time alters our world and forces us to learn a new way of living by accepting the unacceptable. I found that I couldn't accept the thought of loving another little soul who would leave me way too soon, or even worse I would go first and leave them to a life without me either. I have lost several little ones since losing my soul mate, and felt the loss with every passing, but not as soul crushing as that one. I keenly feel the importance though of showing these scared, starving, abused little ones that there IS someone in this horrible world that will love and care for them, that gentleness and light can be a part of their world and make them whole again. So somehow, to show the love and respect we have for all those sweet little souls who have passed over to the Rainbow Bridge, try to still be a part of a cat's world as your Vivian and Willis would want, they know you are capable to open that heart, they are sharing it now , and will forever be a part of you and your world. Their legacy can be passed on, if not by opening your home to another, then through volunteering your time and your love at a local shelter, or finding a home for the strays trying to survive on the street. It IS so hard to read these tributes of tears and pain, but I vowed that I would try to comfort those who have their hearts ripped from their chests, I needed comfort so badly in the beginning, I can't let others go through this hell without trying to offer some kind of comfort, and I do it all in my Chrissy's name, You can do this too, you know what it is like to feel such pain, and with your healing over time you could help others and in a way comfort yourself too.

My heart goes out to you, be gentle on yourself and know there are many out here who care....... RIP sweet Willis and Vivian, you will be forever held in  loving hearts, please bring comfort in any way you can, in precious memories and sweet dreams! 

@Di and Bob  has put it much better than I ever could but I did want to let you know that my heart is with you as you go through this.  I left my husband after 25 years and even though I knew it was for the best, the sense of loss was sometimes overwhelming.   In my case, I moved out so our cats stayed with him, but eventually they did move in with me.  Although they lived for much longer than Willis and Vivian did, when they passed, the grief was so enormous, I felt it would swallow me up.  I ended up adopting another cat and never regretted this choice.  This is not for everyone, but it did help make sense out of losing my cat - that his passing opened up a new home for a kitty in need.  You know what is best for you and I don't mean to suggest you should do this as well, I'm only letting you know that it did help me.  Also, although I am not the least bit superstitious, it seems the universe sometimes sends us cats even when we don't think we are ready.  They show up in our yards or by the side of the road or a friend asks if we can take a cat they can no longer keep.  

May Vivian and Willis come to you in your dreams.         

I remember thinking after we lost Kitten it was unlikely we would get another cat. Another Cat landed in our home 5 days later. I would have been just as fine waiting or never getting another one. Without a doubt losing Kitten had an impact on our relationship. A chunk of it was suddenly cut out. Losing a pet is never as simple as just losing a pet. The ripples move out and leave a tsunami in their wake.

All relationships have the possibly of ending badly, or in death. Very few of us can ever truly isolate ourselves from heartache and grief. The joy in loving either another person or animal even with the risk is easier and more natural than denial.

There are many ways to interact and heal without bringing another pet into your home right now. Cats at shelters need interaction. You don't have to fall in love with one or feel obligated.

We love our new girl. just tipping on six months old. Our other 5 and a half. I know that for all the joy , love and companionship there is a bucket of grief waiting for me someday. And as we learned you can't predict when. Keep an open heart and mind. Your loss is great and painful on many levels.

I am sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. 

My wonderful friends here have already said it so much better than I could have, so I will just add this:

You come here, and talk as much as you need to.  This community will reach out to you and enfold you for as long as it is necessary.  I have never known such a loving group.  It is truly a family.  Like families, it has some disagreements, and some squabbles, but when one of us is hurt, we rally.  My God, how we rally.

Oh my goodness, i am so sorry for your losses, most particularly of dear Willis and Vivian.... My heart does go out to you.

  Condolences on losing your family members - so many losses, so soon together is a very difficult situation. Please remember that every new day that you wake up to is "just another chance" to make a difference, whether it is a smile given to a discouraged person or an act of kindness to a homeless kitty.  If you are like most of us, you will find that your heart feels better, then suddenly the pain can come crashing in again - it's like having shards of glass in your heart that suddenly get jolted loose again.  Please know that  your TCS family is here for you, waiting for you to reach out. We have been in your shoes, we understand, we are all just a PM away!  Willis and Vivian were especially blessed to have you as their guardian - they knew a safe loving home with toys, beds, medical care, good food, great companionship, and most of all - your affections & adoration. They aren't really gone, just crossed over to that realm where our ancestors and those yet-to-be-born live....just think, Willis is probably giving your future kitty (still an unborn kitten) all the lowdown on you so that when you meet a certain cat that you feel is so familiar, you will realize that Willis is closer than you think!  I am praying for your healing...susan

I'm sorry you've suffered so many recent losses.

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the pain of loss and not wanting to love another. It takes time to get over the shock of your loss. No one expects you to just pick up and get another cat so soon after losing Vivian and Willis. Only you will know when the time is right. I have lost 3 precious boys in the last 2 years and I know the heartache that comes with these losses.

Take the time you need to heal yourself. You will always have the scars of your pain but the love you have for Vivian and Willis will always be there, even when another little fur-baby comes into your life.

I'm so sorry for your losses. Willis and Vivian were very lucky cats to have 2 people who loved them so much. I wish all cats could be so fortunate. If there's any positive to all of this, it's that neither of them will ever be sick or in pain again and they have been reunited over at the bridge where they are healthy and strong again (along with your other RB cats). The time will come when they ALL will greet you again as well and I have no doubt that they will be as thrilled to see you as you will be to see them. 

Please take care of yourself right now. We're here for you. Feel free to talk about them as much as you like. 

You have gone through so much.  Bless you.  I am very sorry.  

I am so very sorry for your losses and for what you are going through right now.     I remember how great of a caretaker you were for both Willis and Vivian...always doing your best and wanting what's best for them.

I am so sorry for the losses you've endured. Bottom really sucks - there just isn't an adjective that describes it enough. I hope you are able to find peace sooner than later, and once again see the light of day. Just keep remembering that even if you can't see it, it really is still there.

Oh, I am so truly sorry for all your losses. I know how you must feel when you say that you hit bottom. I have felt that way at one time. Over the years, I had lost 4 kitties and many family members. I always managed to survive somehow. I think mainly it was because I still had my mom, my best friend. She always made everything okay again.Than, in 2011 she was gone. I don't know how I would have survived without my "special" kitty, Mickey. He was there for me. I knew he needed me, more than anyone else. Than, in 2014, he was gone. I was devastated! Who would be there for me now, need me now??
I do have a wonderful loving husband and a son. I knew that they loved me , but I guess I needed someone who needed me, truly needed me. I needed my Mickey back and of course that was impossible.
I knew I had to get another kitty.
I now have two kitties, Shadow and Mittens. They needed love and a home and I needed them. They have helped me so much in my grief over losing my mom and my Mickey. I love my two new kitties so much and know they love me.
I truly needed them just as I know they needed me.
I am sorry for my novel. I just wanted to share with you so you realize that you are not alone. Many of us here have felt like you at some point in our lives. It does get better though. You will still hurt and grieve over your losses. However, you are a strong person. I bet stronger than you even realize.
I hope I have helped some. We are all here for you and would like to help you as much as we can, even if it is just by listening.
Please take care and remember you are not alone!

I'm very sorry for your losses and I hope you find some peace soon. You're in my thoughts and prayers.