Really really want a lap/cuddly cat - considering getting a 2nd one

wafflesnomnom · Jan 18, 2016

So I have a male ragdoll that's almost 6 months, and he breaks my heart. He doesn't let us hold him, he never sits or goes near our laps, he doesn't rub his head or body against us, and he'll only come visit us for like 2min at night. He'll follow us around but I really really wanted a lap cat or at least a cat that will sit right next to me. Affection by touch is a really big deal for me, and I'm finding it incredibly hard to love him when he won't come close to me. I didn't want a cat that was a 'living ornament', I wanted a companion that would want to be with me. I play with him all the time, he has tons of toys, I pet him when he's sleepy (only time he won't bite me). Looking at pictures of people who have cats that sit on them, cats that want their affection all the time is driving me mad. I'm seriously considering giving this another shot and try a second kitten or adult cat who is more cuddly. There are days where I love the stupid fuzzball to pieces, but we also have a lot of bad days where his obnoxious behaviour makes me feel like I made the wrong choice. Even my friends have noticed a change in him - he's a lot more bratty since when we first got him at 4 months. What do I do???

Yes I know I should love him regardless of what his personality is, and I should let him give affection to me on his terms etc, but having a lap cat is one of my biggest dreams ever since I was a kid, and it's something I desperately want before I die. I don't know if I have the patience to wait until he's like 4 years old and has 'mellowed' out to see if he'll cuddle - by then I'll have a family, I'll be busier, and who knows, he might like my kids more.

talkingpeanut · Jan 18, 2016

He is an adolescent cat. This is what happens when you get a kitten - you get to watch them grow up, but you also go through all of their life phases (even the annoying ones) with them. For now, try to stop expecting your cat to be anything. He is his own creature, and his personality is still developing.

kittens mom · Jan 18, 2016

WafflesNomNom said:
So I have a male ragdoll that's almost 6 months, and he breaks my heart. He doesn't let us hold him, he never sits or goes near our laps, he doesn't rub his head or body against us, and he'll only come visit us for like 2min at night. He'll follow us around but I really really wanted a lap cat or at least a cat that will sit right next to me. Affection by touch is a really big deal for me, and I'm finding it incredibly hard to love him when he won't come close to me. I didn't want a cat that was a 'living ornament', I wanted a companion that would want to be with me. I play with him all the time, he has tons of toys, I pet him when he's sleepy (only time he won't bite me). Looking at pictures of people who have cats that sit on them, cats that want their affection all the time is driving me mad. I'm seriously considering giving this another shot and try a second kitten or adult cat who is more cuddly. There are days where I love the stupid fuzzball to pieces, but we also have a lot of bad days where his obnoxious behaviour makes me feel like I made the wrong choice. Even my friends have noticed a change in him - he's a lot more bratty since when we first got him at 4 months. What do I do???

Yes I know I should love him regardless of what his personality is, and I should let him give affection to me on his terms etc, but having a lap cat is one of my biggest dreams ever since I was a kid, and it's something I desperately want before I die. I don't know if I have the patience to wait until he's like 4 years old and has 'mellowed' out to see if he'll cuddle - by then I'll have a family, I'll be busier, and who knows, he might like my kids more.

What do you do ? I strongly suggest you don't get another cat because you have unrealistic expectations of what a pet can provide you with. I'm not calling you a bad person. You just have some unrealistic expectations that need to be addressed before adding another pet to your household. I don't know what your experience is with children but they are far nastier little beasts in the beginning than any kitten. Love is not having someone hang all over you. It's accepting each other for who we are. Human and animal.

wafflesnomnom · Jan 18, 2016

Sorry if I sounded like a bad cat owner, I love my kitten, really, and I don't expect him to instantly become a lap cat or be anyone else but him. However, it is a fact that there ARE cats out there who are cuddle bugs and do like snuggling or napping on their owner's lap, even during the adolescent stage, and owners who happen to get one of these cats are so lucky. Lots of people own 2-3 cats, and each of them are completely different, but usually one of them is the 'lap cat' and another one is bit more aloof in comparison. I was just wondering if it was possible to go seek out a more cuddly cat, perhaps even one that's already an adult and their personality is formed. I'm not expecting my current kitten to transform - I'm just trying to solve the problem of me really wanting a lap cat as something on my 'bucket list'.

talkingpeanut · Jan 18, 2016

WafflesNomNom said:
Sorry if I sounded like a bad cat owner, I love my kitten, really, and I don't expect him to instantly become a lap cat or be anyone else but him. However, it is a fact that there ARE cats out there who are cuddle bugs and do like snuggling or napping on their owner's lap, even during the adolescent stage, and owners who happen to get one of these cats are so lucky. Lots of people own 2-3 cats, and each of them are completely different, but usually one of them is the 'lap cat' and another one is bit more aloof in comparison. I was just wondering if it was possible to go seek out a more cuddly cat, perhaps even one that's already an adult and their personality is formed. I'm not expecting my current kitten to transform - I'm just trying to solve the problem of me really wanting a lap cat as something on my 'bucket list'.

You don't sound like a bad cat owner, but I agree that you have expectations that he can't meet. You may very well end up with the cat of your dreams in a few years. However, all cats (and living things) go through phases and not all of them are going to be exactly what you want at all times. A cat who is older and cuddly in the shelter may be totally different when you bring it home. There is no way to guarantee what you want, so, no, a new cat is not a better bet.

margd · Jan 18, 2016

You are not alone in hoping for a lap cat. There are a lot of posts from people who voice that desire, even though they totally love their cat. I don't see anything wrong with adopting another cat, a young adult already known to be a lap sitter and cuddler. It might even help you accept your kitten on his terms if your need for cat cuddling is being met elsewhere. He may just not be physically affectionate but I'm sure he loves you. The time you spend playing with him is very important and will help build bonds even stronger.

I have had a cat before who was not a snuggler and would bite me if I tried to pick him up. He was still a great cat with his own sweet personality and I loved him very much. I did, however, have two other lap cats at the time and this enabled me to really appreciate him for who he was.

kittens mom · Jan 18, 2016

WafflesNomNom said:
Sorry if I sounded like a bad cat owner, I love my kitten, really, and I don't expect him to instantly become a lap cat or be anyone else but him. However, it is a fact that there ARE cats out there who are cuddle bugs and do like snuggling or napping on their owner's lap, even during the adolescent stage, and owners who happen to get one of these cats are so lucky. Lots of people own 2-3 cats, and each of them are completely different, but usually one of them is the 'lap cat' and another one is bit more aloof in comparison. I was just wondering if it was possible to go seek out a more cuddly cat, perhaps even one that's already an adult and their personality is formed. I'm not expecting my current kitten to transform - I'm just trying to solve the problem of me really wanting a lap cat as something on my 'bucket list'.

You know I believe Jackson Galaxy covered getting a cat to sit on someone's lap a few times. There is nothing wrong with your wish aside from it being the main focus of choosing another cat and it ending up not satisfying some aspect of your life. The first thing you learn in relationships human and pet is how to adjust your wishes to realistic expectations.

donutte · Jan 18, 2016

It's impossible to tell what kind of personality you cat have when you adopt a kitten. When you get a kitten, you should not have any expectations. Just because SOME cuddle, doesn't mean they ALL will. And just because he doesn't cuddle now, doesn't mean he won't when he gets older, whether that be near or distant future. And he may never be a cuddler.

I have two 8-month-old kittens. Neither are cuddlers. I love them, and I know they love me, but they just do do cuddles. And that's ok, I adopted them because I thought they were adorable and I wanted to give them a home and share my love with them. No expectations. One of them is even particular about being touched - he does NOT like his head being touched, except when he does. Yes, that sounds weird, but he is a cat. I would LOVE to be able to cuddle with them, but that's just not how it will be for now. And it may never be that way, but I will never be disappointed because of that.

Anyone that wants a built-in personality should really look for older cats. However, cats personalities evolve over time, and are not set in stone. They don't usually have massive changes as adults, but they do change.

ravenclaw · Jan 18, 2016

Getting a second cat has a lot of advantages. Your kitten might benefit from having a playful, socially skilled older companion. While the cost is double, two cats are hardly more work than one. Here is one idea for finding the cuddly pet you want: foster cats for a local humane society or rescue group. Eventually you may find one that meets your criteria, and this cat will be a "foster fail." If you don't find the right one, no harm done; you will still have helped needy animals.

wafflesnomnom · Jan 19, 2016

Margd said:
You are not alone in hoping for a lap cat. There are a lot of posts from people who voice that desire, even though they totally love their cat. I don't see anything wrong with adopting another cat, a young adult already known to be a lap sitter and cuddler. It might even help you accept your kitten on his terms if your need for cat cuddling is being met elsewhere. He may just not be physically affectionate but I'm sure he loves you. The time you spend playing with him is very important and will help build bonds even stronger.

I have had a cat before who was not a snuggler and would bite me if I tried to pick him up. He was still a great cat with his own sweet personality and I loved him very much. I did, however, have two other lap cats at the time and this enabled me to really appreciate him for who he was.

Yes he does love me, he plays fetch with me and likes following me around, and I super appreciate his own way of showing affection, but having a lap cat is just one of those things I really really really want. It's kind of like when a mom really wants a son but she keeps having daughters so they try until they get a son - does this mean the mom loves her daughters any less? Of course not, but if she has the financial means and the resources to have more kids there's nothing wrong with having a lot of kids hoping to have a son. Not sure if this analogy makes sense, but I wouldn't neglect my current kitten or treat him any worse if I had another cat that cuddled!

Ravenclaw said:
Getting a second cat has a lot of advantages. Your kitten might benefit from having a playful, socially skilled older companion. While the cost is double, two cats are hardly more work than one. Here is one idea for finding the cuddly pet you want: foster cats for a local humane society or rescue group. Eventually you may find one that meets your criteria, and this cat will be a "foster fail." If you don't find the right one, no harm done; you will still have helped needy animals.

This sounds like a great idea, my only concern is health. Our breeder was very adamant that we don't visit shelter cats or even bring clothing that has been with other cats near him. I don't know how to guarantee that the cats I foster or visit will be healthy and free of anything contagious. My fiancee is also very worried that we won't know if the cats from shelters will have any hidden genetic diseases or health problems that will emerge later on in life. Sorry if I sound selfish and I'm not one of those people that will save a cat in a shelter regardless - it's more out of concern for my emotional health - if I got attached to one and he/she died prematurely or unexpectedly I would be devastated.

donutte · Jan 19, 2016

WafflesNomNom said:
This sounds like a great idea, my only concern is health. Our breeder was very adamant that we don't visit shelter cats or even bring clothing that has been with other cats near him. I don't know how to guarantee that the cats I foster or visit will be healthy and free of anything contagious. My fiancee is also very worried that we won't know if the cats from shelters will have any hidden genetic diseases or health problems that will emerge later on in life. Sorry if I sound selfish and I'm not one of those people that will save a cat in a shelter regardless - it's more out of concern for my emotional health - if I got attached to one and he/she died prematurely or unexpectedly I would be devastated.

While I can understand not wanting to chance getting a kitten that will get sick and die early, please understand that pure-bred cats are way more predisposed to having genetic health issues than mixed-breed shelter cats. Shelter cats have their own issues, sure, but getting a cat from a breeder is not a guarantee.

I have seen countless posts on here from people that lost their cats - that they bought from breeders - at a very young age for various health-related reasons. Just because a cat is from a breeder does not make it less likely to get sick.

I guess I just can't understand the reasoning here. And why does the breeder care about you visiting shelter cats? It's your cat now, unless the breeder thinks you will blame them if somehow the cat got sick. Which sounds pretty hinky to me, but then again, I'd never buy from a breeder.

Boris Diamond · Jan 19, 2016

I have a Siberian. He was an unfriendly biter for the first six months. Now he is a lap kitty - every day. He also likes to sleep on my shoulder. Sometimes it just takes time and patience.

Nothing wrong with getting another kitty, just know that it can take time for cats.

catpack · Jan 19, 2016

Even with genetic testing, etc...I'm not sure anyone could guarantee you a cat that will live to a certain age, whatever that age may be for you (10?, 18? 23?)

I've known of purebreds that have developed health issues such as CKD, FIP despite the breeder's best attempt at producing healthy off-spring. Likewise, I've known strays that have lived very long, healthy lives, without such breeding.

I do understand that by adopting from a breeder you can get a "cleaner" cat and you do know if certain genetic factors are present or not; but, it's still not a guarantee.

I really don't think getting a second cat is necessarily a bad thing; and agree that there are plenty of lap cat want to bes out there. However, if you do find a cat that enjoys getting cuddled, but not to the extent you want, are you going to go seeking another cat to fulfill your desire?

pompy · Jan 19, 2016

Just some personal experience here: my sister bought a purebred golden retriever from a breeder who ended up dying just a little before her 3rd birthday due to renal failure. Our childhood cat was also euthanized due to renal failure, but he lived up to 17...and he was an "accident" from a barn cat that we were given for free.
My current cat is from the shelter too, and each time I take him to the vet they always tell me how great it is to see such a happy, healthy cat. I wouldn't dismiss cats just based on their background, there are a lot of sick purebreds that cost a lot of money and eventual heartbreak, and there are also a lot of healthy adoptable cats who would be grateful for a new home!

rubysmama · Jan 19, 2016

WafflesNomNom said:
So I have a male ragdoll that's almost 6 months, and he breaks my heart.

Reading that sentence broke my heart.

Your baby is still a kitten. He's still maturing and growing into an adult male cat. Has he been neutered? If not, his hormones may be making him a more outgoing, or "bratty" cat. If he has been neutered, you've only had him 2 months, so not only is he still growing up, he getting more comfortable in his new home.

I must admit, I thought ragdolls were bred to "flop" in ones arms when held and be "lap cats".

Not that I'd ever suggest leaving this great cat forum, but I Googled and found a Ragdoll specific forum, where you could probably find more info about his specific breed. http://www.ragdollcatguide.com/forum/index.php

Getting a 2nd cat, might work. But then again, you might find they become great pals and need companionship from their human family even less.

Good luck.

paiger8 · Jan 19, 2016

Cats have their own distinct personalities regardless of breed. You're not going to be able to pick a cat by personality with a kitten. And who knows, your cat might mellow out over time and be a total lap cat. Or he might not be.

Visiting shelters, I think your breeder is being way more cautious than needed. Unless you're actively working in a shelter, screening new cats that have come in for diseases and vaccinating them - I don't think visiting a shelter should be a problem. Most Shelters and Rescues are very cautious, testing and vaccinating then quarantining all cats until they're sure they're healthy. Only then are they put up as adoptable. You'd be visiting cats that already have a clean bill of health and are vaccinated. By all means, wash your hands after you leave but you should be fine. Also, if you do get a new cat, you usually keep them separated for a bit until you know the new cat is healthy and the cats get a long.

If you want a lap cat, I'd highly suggest you go to the shelter and look for cats that are 3 years old or more. Look at the shelters description of them, they'll usually say if the cat "loves being in your lap all the time" or "not much of a lap cat, but loves playing with toys." I wanted a lap cat, so I visited adult cats the last time I went to the shelter. I certainly got lap cats. I love it 90% of the time, but sometimes it gets annoying because I can't even read without a cat laying across my book.

One of the cats will sit on your lap and nuzzle/lick your hand until you pet her. Try using your phone with a cat licking your hand. I'll push them off of me, they jump right back up. Over and over and over... So be careful what you wish for.

Good luck!

narelle · Jan 19, 2016

It strikes me in reading your posts about your current cat that you might not be picking up on some of the signals your cat is sending. If your cat is that standoffish and aggressive about it, you may be unintentionally doing something that bothers him. Try to focus less on what you want from your cat and more what he wants from you.

Part of your problem may just be that the way you pet him isn't the way he likes to be pet. In my experience, not many cats actually like the full stroke down the back, and a lot that let you pet them that way more tolerate it than enjoy it (though there are plenty of cats that like to be pet that way). Most cats have the same sweet spots - a nice scratch/rub behind the ear, on the side of the neck, and along their cheek. Few cats can resist that.

They also usually try to show you how they want to be pet. If you hold your hand out to them and let them do the petting, they'll show you what they want.

This might not be the issue, your cat may just be entirely averse to affection. But if he sees that affection becomes more about what he wants and less about what you want, he might become more willing to spend time with you the way you hope.

I do think, if you try all this and it does turn out to be a personality thing, that it would be worth looking at adopting an adult cat that thrives on the kind of affection you're looking to give. But I wouldn't go looking for a new cat until you've spent a little more time trying to bond with and better understand the cat you have.

(And as for shelter cats - they generally are not that rife with disease. The shelters want the cats to be healthy and to find good homes. A sickly animal would be much more difficult to adopt out. Personally, when I visit the local shelter, I just go straight to the shower and wash the clothes I wore when I get home, before I interact with my pets.)

donutte · Jan 19, 2016

Narelle said:
(And as for shelter cats - they generally are not that rife with disease. The shelters want the cats to be healthy and to find good homes. A sickly animal would be much more difficult to adopt out. Personally, when I visit the local shelter, I just go straight to the shower and wash the clothes I wore when I get home, before I interact with my pets.)

Yep, I did the same when I visited the shelter to meet Penelopy, after I adopted her, and after I took her to the shelter to be spayed (I was around the other shelter cats each time). And she has been absolutely amazing, I can't imagine her not being here now, even though it's only been a month and a half.

DreamerRose · Jan 19, 2016

My cat is 18 months old, and he is something like your ragdoll. He follows me everywhere and does all the things you said yours did. Over time and lots of treats, I have gotten him to be more of a lap cat. He still doesn't tolerate a lot of petting, but he does some. He won't sleep with me reliably, but we are working on that.

I understand your disappointment, but I can't bring myself to get another cat.

wafflesnomnom · Jan 19, 2016

Narelle said:
It strikes me in reading your posts about your current cat that you might not be picking up on some of the signals your cat is sending. If your cat is that standoffish and aggressive about it, you may be unintentionally doing something that bothers him. Try to focus less on what you want from your cat and more what he wants from you.

Part of your problem may just be that the way you pet him isn't the way he likes to be pet. In my experience, not many cats actually like the full stroke down the back, and a lot that let you pet them that way more tolerate it than enjoy it (though there are plenty of cats that like to be pet that way). Most cats have the same sweet spots - a nice scratch/rub behind the ear, on the side of the neck, and along their cheek. Few cats can resist that.

They also usually try to show you how they want to be pet. If you hold your hand out to them and let them do the petting, they'll show you what they want.

This might not be the issue, your cat may just be entirely averse to affection. But if he sees that affection becomes more about what he wants and less about what you want, he might become more willing to spend time with you the way you hope.

I do think, if you try all this and it does turn out to be a personality thing, that it would be worth looking at adopting an adult cat that thrives on the kind of affection you're looking to give. But I wouldn't go looking for a new cat until you've spent a little more time trying to bond with and better understand the cat you have.

(And as for shelter cats - they generally are not that rife with disease. The shelters want the cats to be healthy and to find good homes. A sickly animal would be much more difficult to adopt out. Personally, when I visit the local shelter, I just go straight to the shower and wash the clothes I wore when I get home, before I interact with my pets.)

I have read and learned what my kitten likes. I only pet him behind the ears, cheeks and chin, and he likes that, and I don't touch his belly for example. I know he doesn't like to be picked up or held, so I usually pet him in place etc. I'm giving him affection on his terms and the way he likes it, so I'm not forcing him to be someone he's not. I would just like a cat that would like affection in a more cuddly way as well. We would not get another cat for ~1 year, as I would want that time to visit kittens at breeders and adult cats at shelters and do my research etc.

Paiger8 said:
Cats have their own distinct personalities regardless of breed. You're not going to be able to pick a cat by personality with a kitten. And who knows, your cat might mellow out over time and be a total lap cat. Or he might not be.

Visiting shelters, I think your breeder is being way more cautious than needed. Unless you're actively working in a shelter, screening new cats that have come in for diseases and vaccinating them - I don't think visiting a shelter should be a problem. Most Shelters and Rescues are very cautious, testing and vaccinating then quarantining all cats until they're sure they're healthy. Only then are they put up as adoptable. You'd be visiting cats that already have a clean bill of health and are vaccinated. By all means, wash your hands after you leave but you should be fine. Also, if you do get a new cat, you usually keep them separated for a bit until you know the new cat is healthy and the cats get a long.

If you want a lap cat, I'd highly suggest you go to the shelter and look for cats that are 3 years old or more. Look at the shelters description of them, they'll usually say if the cat "loves being in your lap all the time" or "not much of a lap cat, but loves playing with toys." I wanted a lap cat, so I visited adult cats the last time I went to the shelter. I certainly got lap cats. I love it 90% of the time, but sometimes it gets annoying because I can't even read without a cat laying across my book.

One of the cats will sit on your lap and nuzzle/lick your hand until you pet her. Try using your phone with a cat licking your hand. I'll push them off of me, they jump right back up. Over and over and over... So be careful what you wish for.

Good luck!

rubysmama said:
Reading that sentence broke my heart.

Your baby is still a kitten. He's still maturing and growing into an adult male cat. Has he been neutered? If not, his hormones may be making him a more outgoing, or "bratty" cat. If he has been neutered, you've only had him 2 months, so not only is he still growing up, he getting more comfortable in his new home.

I must admit, I thought ragdolls were bred to "flop" in ones arms when held and be "lap cats".

Not that I'd ever suggest leaving this great cat forum, but I Googled and found a Ragdoll specific forum, where you could probably find more info about his specific breed. http://www.ragdollcatguide.com/forum/index.php

Getting a 2nd cat, might work. But then again, you might find they become great pals and need companionship from their human family even less.

Good luck.

He's neutered and yes, I chose a ragdoll because of their 'floppy' nature, but not every cat is going to stick to what their breed describes them as 100%.

CatPack said:
Even with genetic testing, etc...I'm not sure anyone could guarantee you a cat that will live to a certain age, whatever that age may be for you (10?, 18? 23?)

I've known of purebreds that have developed health issues such as CKD, FIP despite the breeder's best attempt at producing healthy off-spring. Likewise, I've known strays that have lived very long, healthy lives, without such breeding.

I do understand that by adopting from a breeder you can get a "cleaner" cat and you do know if certain genetic factors are present or not; but, it's still not a guarantee.

I really don't think getting a second cat is necessarily a bad thing; and agree that there are plenty of lap cat want to bes out there. However, if you do find a cat that enjoys getting cuddled, but not to the extent you want, are you going to go seeking another cat to fulfill your desire?

I know it's not a guarantee, but it's a peace of mind thing, and the breeder I chose was very good and very stringent with her cats' health. And I may, it's not like I'm abandoning the cats I would already have if that was the case or love them any less, I'd just be giving more cats homes.

Donutte said:
I guess I just can't understand the reasoning here. And why does the breeder care about you visiting shelter cats? It's your cat now, unless the breeder thinks you will blame them if somehow the cat got sick. Which sounds pretty hinky to me, but then again, I'd never buy from a breeder.

I think it's a risk thing, it's probably mostly safe, but there's always that chance, and I think the breeder just wants to ensure the best possible for her kittens.

Some notes:

I would really appreciate it if further replies don't judge me for getting a cat from a breeder or wanting a purebred cat - I know there are lots of cats who need homes, and I know some breeders are just doing it for money etc, but I did a lot of research with my breeder and I don't personally think there's anything wrong with choosing to buy a cat vs adopting. Adopting isn't for everyone, would you go to someone who had children and say geez, I'd never have my own kids, there's so many orphans out there that need homes?

I also have said that I understand every cat has their own personality and I am not forcing mine to change and I won't be abandoning him if I get a second one. He is very well taken care of and if he does mellow out or become a lap cat in a few years, that would be great, I am just saying if there are ways to get a cuddly cat sooner, I would prefer that.

Really really want a lap/cuddly cat - considering getting a 2nd one

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