Should I seek counseling for my loss?

Three months ago I lost my best friend due to cancer. Yes, my best friend was a cat. She was in my life for 15 years, and I miss her so much.

It seems like she was sick for ages. I knew she didn't have much time left but for the past couple of years I tried my hardest to keep her alive. She started having problems with eating and was losing weight, but she still had her spirit. I refused to believe anything was seriously wrong with her. She had her good days and bad days. It was quite a long battle. I know I was almost unhealthily attached to her. Maybe I made the wrong decision and waited too long. It haunts me everyday that she was suffering but I was too stubborn to put her to sleep when I needed to. I did have her in my life for literally as long as I could remember (I can remember when she first came through the door when my mom brought her home--and I was four years old.)

The last vet appointment I took her to, I figured I would walk out of there with a positive solution to the problem. But the vet convinced me that there was absolutely nothing he could do, and the best solution was to end her suffering. So, I decided to take his advice, and I can't make up my mind about whether or not that was the worst decision I've ever made or the best one. The very last day of her life, she excitedly jumped up onto the place where she would take her meals (I usually had to lift her up there because she was so weak) and ate up a bunch of grilled chicken like she wasn't even sick. I still have that lasting image in my mind and it makes me wonder if it was her time yet.

I know my grief will never go away. I also know that there will be people who are mean and will mock me for it. I have heard the phrase 'it's just a cat, why are you still hanging on?' so many times. It's hard to make the people in my life understand why it hurts so bad. I took care of her for so long. A few months before she passed, I knew in the back of my mind it was going to happen soon. So I took as many pictures of her as I could, I spent every waking (and sleeping) moment with her. I even took a year off of college to devote my time to taking care of her. The past year has been absolutely awful for me because there was a ton of backlash from my family. No one wanted me to syringe feed her, or spend all my time keeping her clean and cared for. The thing is, most of the time she ate perfectly fine on her own (even though she was quite picky, and wouldn't gain weight), and I didn't mind at all having to deal with everything that goes with taking care of a sick animal. As much as I didn't mind taking care of her, my mental health was deteriorating because of all this. I had (and still struggle with sometimes) insomnia. I was always so worried she was going to keel over right in front of me with no warning, so my anxiety was through the roof as well.

Now that it's all over, I am going to college again. They offer free counseling services. I don't know if that entails pet grief counseling, though. The point is, I love college. I love the environment, I love staying busy. Yet I feel guilty for enjoying these things without my cat there with me. I keep thinking that maybe my problems can't possibly be that bad, but then I have an awful night and I realize that maybe I need help with this.

I am coping how I can right now. She is still the lock screen on my phone, I've collected and meticulously saved/protected every single picture that's ever been taken of her, I am currently looking for the perfect urn to hold her ashes in, and I've kept some things like her grooming tools and a lock of hair and the things she liked to lay on. I was just wondering if there is any advice on how I can make my thoughts of her less painful. Is counseling the way to go?

Your heart does not know the difference between human and pet, it just knows a deep and profound loss. Many people are closer to their pets then they are to any human, our furry friends never judge, never criticize, they just  love us with a single minded purpose and worm their way into our hearts to form a bond that will never be broken.  You are grieving, you have suffered a loss to your family, you have lost a friend and a confidant, your grief and agony is tearing you apart because of this loss and it is as real as any other. Those who say it is just a cat have never felt the love of these beautiful creatures, if they have they would never say anything so hurtful and further from the truth. You can tell them yes, she may have been a cat, but I am grieving for the loss of my best friend and one who loved me for 15 years, and it is not an easy thing to do. You need to surround yourself with people who understand what you are going through, this site has helped me beyond anything I could imagine, and now I try to help others who are feeling as lost and helpless as I did three years ago. Time is the only thing that helps. It softens the pain and in time we learn to live with our loss. Counseling would help, the loss you are feeling would lighten in the professional hands of someone who cares. In the end though, it is up to each of us to find our way down that dark path. I remember the only thing that helped me in the beginning was to remember that my sweet little girl would never want me to be so sad when remembering her. You spent 15 years loving each other, try to let those happy memories comfort you, try not to dwell on the end. Anything you did you did out of love, and she knew that. I still go to the local shelter and donate the adoption fee for the cat that has been there the longest, I do this in her name and know she would approve, to improve the chances of bringing love and security into a scared and confused cats life. 

She will never leave you, what you shared can never be taken from you as long as you are able to keep her memory alive. My heart breaks for what you are going through, I would not wish it on anyone. Please let sunshine into your heart once again, for that is where she dwells now. I know that seems impossible right now because I know that grieving brings guilt, pain and tears. But one day you will feel the memory of her bring you comfort and you will smile even through the tears. Take care........RIP sweet little girl, you will never be forgotten and will be forever held in a loving heart!

What was said in Di and Bob's beautiful post is true and sums it up wonderfully. You should be praised for the way that you took care of your cat and the bond that was formed was so strong it is hard to NOT feel these emotions about the situation; I am living and learning that as I lost Sebastian about 7 weeks ago. I even sat and talked with my pastor, and she said it usually takes about 1 year for people to start feeling better when a person passes, and she said "I'm sure a pet is about the same" so she understands, and you are like us, our cats ARE our kids, so our sole focus is on them, and when they hurt or are sick or pass away our whole lives and world is affected. I imagine that it takes time, LOTS of time to get over these things, as we have lost pets before but for some reason this loss for me is so much more difficult because how it happened, coming home, seeing him what appeared to be sitting on the back of a chair looking out the window which made me feel like he was getting better, only to turn on a light and seeing him stuck in the mini-blinds, his left leg tangled in it, and 15 seconds after I got him out he died in my arms which was both a terrible, traumatic event but sweet that he waited until I came home so I could hold him when he passed, I am certain he did that. It has been 7 weeks, and last night sitting in a car waiting for my wife I replayed the whole scene in my head again, I can't stop it, it just happens, and I think that is my mind's way of trying to work things out. We also lost Simon to stomach cancer May 2014, and when it was time to put him down I kept asking the vet "are you SURE this is the right thing to do, he still looks so good?", and Sebastian also looked pretty good, but sometimes they look good on the outside but inside are hurting, so remember that fact, plus the vet said they do get a shot of adrenaline before the end so your kitty eating so good may have been "the calm before the storm". 

As hard as it is to deal with we do it, we must know that we took the best care that we could of them, and they know we did....with time, thoughts and prayers we seem to deal with it and it becomes less intense, but we never forget it. There is nothing wrong with talking to a counselor and I'm sure they would treat it as grief even if it was an animal rather than a human. And I don't know if you are into vitamins and herbs and such, but check out a good health food store as they can suggest things to help you cope that are much less harsher than prescription medicines.

Sorry for the loss, and that you are struggling; I pray that you find peace and remember you did a GREAT job taking care of your baby and we be reunited again some day!

I know I was almost unhealthily attached to her. Maybe I made the wrong decision and waited too long. It haunts me everyday that she was suffering but I was too stubborn to put her to sleep when I needed to. I did have her in my life for literally as long as I could remember (I can remember when she first came through the door when my mom brought her home--and I was four years old.)

The last vet appointment I took her to, I figured I would walk out of there with a positive solution to the problem. But the vet convinced me that there was absolutely nothing he could do, and the best solution was to end her suffering. So, I decided to take his advice, and I can't make up my mind about whether or not that was the worst decision I've ever made or the best one.

I know my grief will never go away. I also know that there will be people who are mean and will mock me for it. I have heard the phrase 'it's just a cat, why are you still hanging on?' so many times. It's hard to make the people in my life understand why it hurts so bad. I took care of her for so long. A few months before she passed, I knew in the back of my mind it was going to happen soon. So I took as many pictures of her as I could, I spent every waking (and sleeping) moment with her. I even took a year off of college to devote my time to taking care of her. The past year has been absolutely awful for me because there was a ton of backlash.... As much as I didn't mind taking care of her, my mental health was deteriorating because of all this. I had (and still struggle with sometimes) insomnia. I was always so worried she was going to keel over right in front of me with no warning, so my anxiety was through the roof as well....I keep thinking that maybe my problems can't possibly be that bad, but then I have an awful night and I realize that maybe I need help with this...Is counseling the way to go?



Any time you wonder I you need counseling the answer is yes. Please don't take offense. No man is an island and we all (if we're honest) at some point need a little help handling the complexities and the sadness of life. It's a sign of strength that you recognize this! I don't think you are handling grief wrong at all, but I would never say no to counseling, I'm receiving counseling now too. Truth be told, lots of us need counseling when we least think we do! I don't know of one single person on this planet who doesn't need counseling from time to time. This world is messed up and as such there's no way to avoid maladaptive coping mechanisms. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear kitty. I also have my Gracie on my lockout screen. It still hurts to look at her. Best wishes to you.

The ASPCA Grief Hotline is available:  http://www.thecatsite.com/t/276461/for-those-wanting-to-talk-to-someone-the-aspca-grief-hotline

The ASPCA maintains a free grief hotline, and it is a very compassionate service manned by trained professionals in grief counseling.  They are also used to talking to people who's pet is missing, or is facing possible euthanasia.  I can't recommend them enough.

http://www.aspca.org/pet-care/pet-loss

ASPCA Pet Loss Hotline at (877) GRIEF-10. (877-474-3310)

Click to expand...

Please consider calling them.  

I found my beautiful Simbah in a pet shop as a kitten and I had her in my life for 17.5 years. She was more than a cat she was my soul mate.
We bathed together, she sat on the toilet seat and I would have to make her wet and then we would wash together. I could never go to the toilet alone she always had to sit on my lap, and we always slept together, she would come under the duvet with me head in the pillow and we would sleep wrapped around each other until the morning. I have never known love like it from animal or human. My whole world revolved around her. She was so loyal and faithful to me and when she got sick it was like my life had ended. She was also diagnosed with dementia and although she never forgot me, she forgot where we was and got confused by her surroundings.
Shortly before she died she went missing for 6 days, and was at the time on many medications.
I was of course inconsolable, but I kept maintaining that she would never just leave me like that. I feared the worst but I just knew she would never be apart from me unless she was unable to get back to me. Then suddenly she appeared, we were upstairs and there was this huge howl from downstairs. There she was, painfully thin and freezing cold, we scooped her up in a warm dressing gown and took her straight to the vets who were not sure of her chances and where I had to be apart from her for 4 more days whilst they did what they could. We went to see her and the minute she saw me she perked up like a little kitten, even the vet remarked that she was so much better from seeing me. We eventually got her home but we had to keep her in a cage which nearly killed me, as she was so wobbly and we couldn't risk her getting out.
I was blessed to have her for a month but I too had to make that decision to have her put to sleep.
And there it was my beautiful baby girl, best friend and soul mate and the only one that understood me was gone.
That was just over 2 years ago. There is still a hole in my heart where a cat should be and a sickness in the pit of my stomach that just won't go away. I tried counselling for grief but the counsellor couldn't understand that type of loss. If it's not a human then we must be crazy right?
Getting over it, now there is the question. Getting over it will never happen. Learning to deal with it, nope not that either. Forgetting is definitely off the table. The memory will never fade and the love definitely won't. Do I deal with it or can I deal with it? The anti depressants would say no I can't and the pain i feel would agree. We have her buried in the garden under a bench with two others that we loved and lost with all our hearts and I am unable to go out there and sit with her even now, I feel guilty for letting her go before I was ready and that's the truth of it. I sat cuddling her on the bed for hours after she had gone - just talking to her - but the guilt of letting her go from my arms...
Everyone says it gets better with time and I suppose it does in some ways, but it's the intensity of the relationship I think that determines how you learn to deal with it and in what time frame. You can't put a time frame on grief. It consumes you and sometimes those black clouds keep rolling in. We still have 3 cats and they bring joy to our lives everyday. We have a 1 year old who is a little monkey and he is just the most amazing little cat for joy and stupidity.
I think the best counselling comes from within ourselves. The time has to be right for outside intervention and it has to be the right kind of concelling, someone that can understand that depth of grief.
It's a day at a time lets face it, but maybe this is the best kind of concelling there is, talking to like minded people is a comfort in a lot of ways.
I still feel her and see her out of the corner of my eye and I heard that howl on the odd occasion. I feel so,done jump onto my pillow and walk round like she used to but there is never anyone there. I don't sleep now very well as she was my comfort blanket and I'm not as happy as I was and I hate having a bath in my own, but after 2 years I'm learning to do those things whether I like them or not.
We shouldn't punish ourselves for being able to feel love from animals in different ways to humans, as it's not a competition, but when it ends my god it hurts!

I don't think it's ever a bad thing to talk to someone trained in grief counseling in helping someone to cope. Problem as I see it (and I have talked to several people who have personally gone through this), is that counselors seem to have difficulty in realizing just how much these animals meant to us. For some people, their dog, or their cat, or their bunny rabbit, was the closest thing that they had ever had to a family. So it's only a natural thing for us as fragile, emotionally viable human beings to transfer our love and attention to our furry friends.

And when that pet dies, it is traumatic. When I had to put Midnight down, I went into a very deep depression that lasted almost a year. She died around  the time my 44-year-old mother died suddenly of spinal meningitis, and the combination of those two losses nearly put me over the permenant edge. (I think we all know what that means here) My friends were instrumental in helping me to slowly crawl out of that hole, and I actually did find a grief counselor who was sympathetic to the fact that Midnight was just as important to me as Mom. "The fact that it was a cat doesn't make a difference." she told me. "Midnight was your baby, and that means she was family. So yes, it is okay to mourn her."

Please, for your own sake, peace of mind, and sanity, go talk to a skilled, and, just as importaintly, sympathetic grief couselor who understands what you are going through. There is no shame in this.

I don't think it's crazy to consider it. I've often considered it since losing Lucky two months ago. I've been through counseling before and have personally decided it wouldn't help me in this case, but that's not to say it won't with you. For me, there are just some things I need to work out on my own. It's getting better, it's just very slow.

Regarding that last day, where you said he gobbled up his food and you still have that memory in your head - believe me, that is a great memory to have of your cat on his last day. My cat had end-stage renal failure and had lost all interest in eating his last week of life. I decided on a Wednesday that the next day, we'd be taking him in for his last vet visit. I wanted nothing more than to feed him his favorite foods and have him enjoy them as much as a cat can. I couldn't do that though. All I could do was keep him comfortable, as much as possible anyway, and keep him warm and let him know mama was here. So, please understand, he may have eaten that meal, but he may have rejected the next.

I know there are a lot of what-ifs in your head, there always are when it comes to this kind of thing. They are seriously the worst too. They just eat away at you until you come to realize that the what-ifs don't matter, and they won't change anything now. The saying "it is what it is" seems to be very apropos in these cases.

Also understand that it's probably better to err on the side of doing it too soon than too late. That doesn't sound like it's good for you, but it is for her, and that is what matters.

Grief is grief. It doesn't matter whether it's for a beloved animal or a human. Do find a sympathetic counselor who will help you talk through your pain. Hugs to you.

And don't pay any attention to those who mock you or ridicule you. They haven't experienced the love of a pet and don't know the loss you feel.

I'm going to advise you take advantage of the counseling.  A good gateway to doing that would be calling the ASPCA grief hotline and talking with someone there. Voice not only your loss but your the concerns you have about yourself.

So you know. Kitten is on al of my credit cards. And she's probably going to be on them when they need replacing.  Their image invokes both grief and good memories. That's just the way it is. If you find some comfort having her on your lockscreen there she should stay. And of course you have protected all of her pictures.  In fact I highly advise loading them onto cloud or another similar service or online photo storage.

Veterinarians do not recommend euthanasia unless it's time. He helped you let go. Believe given a choice you prefer to let them go before they cease to be themselves and are nothing but a ball of suffering fur you don't recognize.

College on it's own is stressful. You need to address your grief and move through it and find a way to maintain at school. A tall order for anyone. Take advantage of any help. You might check out the APLB online. I believe they have in person support groups in many cities.

Thank you for your response. I know that counseling is not the answer to everything, more of a 'supplement' to help me deal with this. I've been trying every day to be happy despite my loss. It is always a bittersweet thing to dwell on.

lavendercat said:

Thank you for your response. I know that counseling is not the answer to everything, more of a 'supplement' to help me deal with this. I've been trying every day to be happy despite my loss. It is always a bittersweet thing to dwell on.

Click to expand...

For me, the way I deal with the grief is to remind myself that maybe it doesn't seem better compared to yesterday, but it's immensely better compared to two months ago. I still have breakdowns. Car rides and Saturday nights at home are still difficult to me for some reason, But, they are better than they once were. I'm finally at a point where I can feel immense joy over something without it being immediately followed by immense guilt; at least most of the time. I have days were I don't cry. I still do most days, but not every day.

But, as others have stated, if you do feel the need to, then you definitely should go for counseling.

I'm very sorry for your loss and the pain you are suffering.  You are going through a tough time.  Please know that people seek counseling for many reasons.   A compassionate person to speak with can be a blessing.  

There have been so many thoughtful posts in this thread, I don't think I can add much more. I just want to say what you are feeling is totally normal and expected. I do hope you find a way to dull the pain. I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm very sorry for your loss. If you are considering counseling then I would suggest trying it. If you don't like it or its not helping them you don't have to go back. Many hugs to you.