Ruby won't cuddle anymore?

Ruby used to be a HUGE cuddler. Always wanted to be in my lap or Nick's. When we got Jasper, they both snuggled with both of us, but Ruby (who's what's been a bit of a daddy's girl) spent more time with Nick, and Jasper with me.
Since we lost Jasper, Ruby's been acting a little odd. I can understand sleeping in Jasper's old spots and next to the mirror; she probably misses him. What I don't understand is why she won't cuddle with me now unless Nick is home. He doesn't even have to be in the same room, but he has to be in the apartment. If he's not home, she's still very vocal and acts like she wants attention, but she won't even sit in my lap unless I'm sitting in the computer chair (formerly Jasper's chair). Does anyone know why she might be acting this way? Does she still see me as Jasper's human?
It's just really hard for me. It was awful enough losing Jasper, but to lose Ruby's love too? I hate it. My parents have had at least three cats for almost my whole life, and being one of the quieter people in the family (and a major couch potato), I almost always had at least one cat cuddled up to me. It just doesn't feel right to sit on the couch and not have a cat sitting with me, and now that Nick's working again, I end up being alone a lot.

How long has it been since you lost Jasper? I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

I know this is easier said than done but I'd just be patient and give her time.  When she does come to cuddle on you, you might also want to 'reward' her for doing so at first, with treats or with something else you know she likes. If she likes cuddling in general, it's likely that eventually she'll start to see you as someone to cuddle with again.

Unfortunately, I do not think there is really anything that you're going to be able to do to 'make' her cuddle with you though... I really do think patience is your best bet here

I agree, just be patient and calm,after all, everyone knows cats gravitate to those who pay them the least attention! She might be picking up on your distress. She, like you, is still grieving and may develop different habits now, it may be her way of coping. She may be lonely, if you are ready and able, a new kitten added to the family may get her attention and keep her (and you) busy. I know it will be hard, but even though it doesn't seem possible, there is room in that heart of yours, and it is a welcome distraction. Love develops with time, it's not an instant thing, but make sure you get a kitten with Ruby's temperament and personality, and preferably a boy, girls in my opinion are queens of the house and they love to boss the boys around, not compete with another queen. Of course there are exceptions to this rule, but I've had MANY cats and the females seem to not like attention as much, the boys are much more the cuddler. If another cat is not in your future, just give her lots of affection and treats, a heated throw thrown across your lap wouldn't hurt either to entice her! All the luck and keep us posted! 

tulosai said:

How long has it been since you lost Jasper? I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

I know this is easier said than done but I'd just be patient and give her time.  When she does come to cuddle on you, you might also want to 'reward' her for doing so at first, with treats or with something else you know she likes. If she likes cuddling in general, it's likely that eventually she'll start to see you as someone to cuddle with again.

Unfortunately, I do not think there is really anything that you're going to be able to do to 'make' her cuddle with you though... I really do think patience is your best bet here

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It's been just a little over a month.
I'm trying to be patient and not get discouraged, I just don't really know how to deal with stress without kitty love. I've never had to. :/
I'm hoping she'll come around eventually, it's just strange that she's still so lovey to me when Nick is home, but now when we're alone.

Di and Bob said:

I agree, just be patient and calm,after all, everyone knows cats gravitate to those who pay them the least attention! She might be picking up on your distress. She, like you, is still grieving and may develop different habits now, it may be her way of coping. She may be lonely, if you are ready and able, a new kitten added to the family may get her attention and keep her (and you) busy. I know it will be hard, but even though it doesn't seem possible, there is room in that heart of yours, and it is a welcome distraction. Love develops with time, it's not an instant thing, but make sure you get a kitten with Ruby's temperament and personality, and preferably a boy, girls in my opinion are queens of the house and they love to boss the boys around, not compete with another queen. Of course there are exceptions to this rule, but I've had MANY cats and the females seem to not like attention as much, the boys are much more the cuddler. If another cat is not in your future, just give her lots of affection and treats, a heated throw thrown across your lap wouldn't hurt either to entice her! All the luck and keep us posted! 

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I've thought about getting another kitten. I've looked at a few every so often, but I always felt guilty, like I was betraying Jasper somehow by looking at them. I found one little guy online the other day who's the first one I haven't felt guilty about, the first one I've seriously considered getting (or at least meeting). I've got the money for his rehoming fee, but Nick thinks it could be put to better use. Bills and such. We're pretty tight on money since he was out of a job for so long.

My first cat was a huge snuggler, especially in her later years.  She'd curl up under the covers with me every night.  When we got two young cats after she died, neither of them knew how to snuggle "right" like my first cat.  In fact, they really didn't at all.  I had a tough time without my Skittles, even with two new cats in the house.  We have four cats now.  None will ever be like Skittles   but they came to be affectionate and snuggly in their own ways, and I've come to accept that every cat is different.  

As others have said, it takes time and patience.      Ruby is getting used to a new routine, too.  

Also, as @Di and Bob  as said, bribes don't hurt, either--affection, treats and warm blankets!  

betsygee said:

My first cat was a huge snuggler, especially in her later years.  She'd curl up under the covers with me every night.  When we got two young cats after she died, neither of them knew how to snuggle "right" like my first cat.  In fact, they really didn't at all.  I had a tough time without my Skittles, even with two new cats in the house.  We have four cats now.  None will ever be like Skittles   but they came to be affectionate and snuggly in their own ways, and I've come to accept that every cat is different.  

As others have said, it takes time and patience.      Ruby is getting used to a new routine, too.  

Also, as @Di and Bob
 as said, bribes don't hurt, either--affection, treats and warm blankets!  

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No two cats are exactly alike! Ruby and Jasper were the best snugglers I've ever had, and I've had a fair number of cats. XD
The only treats we have at the moment are little chunks of raw chicken. She goes nuts for them, but I don't want them in my lap. XD
Usually a fuzzy blanket is enough to entice her, but that hasn't been working. Maybe it's time to break out the electric blanket?

I know how you feel about getting a new kitten, I felt guilt at 'replacing' my Chrissy until I realized that is exactly what she would want, for me to pass on her legacy of love. What I shared with her will never 'replace' anything, it will always be with me. The bond you share with Jasper will always be with you, he would never want you to be so sad. No matter how bad we would like it to be different, life goes on, and we have to make our choice of being happy again and letting the sunshine light up your heart where Jasper now dwells, or to spend our lives in sadness. Your precious memories will comfort you in times of sadness, let life distract you from the sad memories and bring smiles to you once again. My heart breaks for you to feel guilt about giving a home to one that so desperately needs it. No matter what you decide, I'll pray that everything works out for you and your little family. Give Ruby a kiss for me!

I read your thread in the RB forum about Jasper, tearing up just thinking about it. I lost Lucky two months ago today (wow). About two weeks after he died, I decided to look for another kitty. It started with me thinking it was mainly as someone for my kittens to play with. Lucky, even at 16, played with the kittens, Sara and Maple, how are both almost 14 now, want nothing to do with them. But the kittens don't understand that and keep trying to play with them. Then I realized the best way to honor his memory was to bring another life into my home. I adopted a young adult female cat, named Penelopy. She has fit in amazingly. I think I felt guilty at first, especially when little Oliver was hissing at her! But they got along fine after a couple of days.

Don't feel guilty, you aren't replacing. You are just sharing the love in your heart with someone that needs it.

Thank you so much, both of you. We started talking about getting Ruby a new buddy a couple of weeks after we lost Jasper--she was okay as an only cat before we got him, but she's seemed so lonely since we lost him. I wasn't ready then, but I think I'm getting there. It took some time, but eventually I realized exactly what you're saying; I wouldn't be replacing or betraying Jasper by getting a new kitten, I'd be opening my heart to a fur baby who needs a good home just like he did, and there's nothing bad about that.
I just hope I can find one that fits with Ruby. I think she loved Jasper as much as I did, and I don't want her to resent whoever we end up with.

Ahh! She sat with me! On the couch! Without Nick home!
She sat next to me, not in my lap, and it was only for a few minutes (now she's sitting on the floor staing at the door), but that's more than I've gotten in weeks!

eck1kaylie said:

Ahh! She sat with me! On the couch! Without Nick home!
She sat next to me, not in my lap, and it was only for a few minutes (now she's sitting on the floor staing at the door), but that's more than I've gotten in weeks!

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Awww!  I love that.     Baby steps.

I know this thread kinda went dead, and this is only sorta related, but I didn't know where to post it... It's another one of those things that I feel like nobody in my life really understands. Another one of those things that I'd end up hearing "a cat is just a cat" more times that I can deal with. I feel like I've been really needy since joining here, but I'm hoping you guys don't mind too much? :/ Just let me know if I'm being annoying.

Ruby's been slowly snuggling with me more (raw chicken definitely reminded her that she loves me), but I always feel like I have to compete for her affection... Even though I'm home more often and I'm the one who mostly takes care of her (feeding, brushing, playing, even scheduling vet appointments and buying toys and treats... I do it all), and I'm the one who doesn't yell at/discipline her at all, Nick is her chosen person, and I really can't compete with that. Which brings me back to the subject of kittens.
I want another kitten. Desperately. It feels so empty with only one cat. I want to raise and bond with another one. I want to give a needy one a good, loving forever home. I want to fall in love with a kitten again. I don't feel guilty about wanting this anymore, but there's still something holding me back... I loved Jasper so much, I had a stronger bond with him than with any other cat I've ever had, and I'm scared that I'll never love another cat like that. Even with Ruby, who I love dearly, there's this sort of disconnect? I've had that with almost every cat I've had. If they "choose" someone else, no matter how much they love me or how much I love them, I'm not theirs. They'll always love that person more than me. I never cared before, I adore every cat I've ever had our even just met, but now that I've been "chosen" by a cat, and lost them... I crave that love. Out of twelve cats that I've had in my life, Jasper was the only one who ever choose me. What if I never get chosen again?
I've been so depressed since Jasper died, and Ruby ignoring me was just the icing on the cake, but eventually it made me realize that I'm terrified to get another cat. I'm terrified that they'll never love me the way Jasper did. I'm so torn, because half of me wants a kitten more than anything and knows that I'd adore it no matter what, and the other half thinks it would be safer to never get another because I might never have the bond I did with Jasper.

I feel stupid and selfish feeling like this, but I just can't help it. I've been lurking on Craigslist for weeks (none of the shelters in my area have kittens and Ruby doesn't adjust well to older cats), and in all of the ads I've looked at, I've felt a sort of "click" with exactly two of them. That sort of connection you feel the first time you look at a kitten, the same "click" that I felt the first time I saw Jasper's picture before I met him. That "click" seems to be the only thing that can quiet that depressing half of my mind, and I know I only want to get a cat that I click with, but they're so rare now, especially since Jasper, and they get adopted so fast... It feels silly, but I cry when their ads get taken down. That "click" feels like a chance to feel that love again, and when it's gone I'm left with my thoughts and the warring halves of myself and the emptiness that I just can't seem to shake.

I know I've been contradicting myself even just within this post. I just feel really lonely, and empty, and I don't know what to do about it. Am I being ridiculous? Should I lower my standards? Forget about the "click" and just get a kitten to keep me and Ruby company? (I know it's mostly for me, but I like to think it'd be good for her too. She has been lonely.)

Ugh. I seriously feel ridiculous. 

First of all, you don't sound ridiculous or anything of the sort, so get that idea out of your mind.

Second, a question - why do you say that Ruby doesn't adapt well to adults? Most cats don't adapt well at first, it takes time. Even with kittens.

After my Lucky died - and he was my feline soul-mate - the idea of getting another cat seemed both wrong, but also like something I needed to do. I felt the need to honor him by giving another soul a home. I also needed someone that would be a good companion for my then-6.5 month old kittens. I decided to get a female adult, albeit a younger adult.

It was NOT all sunshine and rainbows at first! Oscar accepted her fairly quickly, but Oliver hissed at her so much! I had a chat with him and told him he was way too young to have so much hate in his little body. Then one day, I was playing with the fishbone on a string toy. And they were all playing!! Jumping and falling on each other. I still remember the first time Penelopy fell on Oliver. He stared at her for a few seconds, and she stared back, and they both went back to playing.

They've been good friends ever since.

Donutte said:

First of all, you don't sound ridiculous or anything of the sort, so get that idea out of your mind.

Second, a question - why do you say that Ruby doesn't adapt well to adults? Most cats don't adapt well at first, it takes time. Even with kittens.

After my Lucky died - and he was my feline soul-mate - the idea of getting another cat seemed both wrong, but also like something I needed to do. I felt the need to honor him by giving another soul a home. I also needed someone that would be a good companion for my then-6.5 month old kittens. I decided to get a female adult, albeit a younger adult.

It was NOT all sunshine and rainbows at first! Oscar accepted her fairly quickly, but Oliver hissed at her so much! I had a chat with him and told him he was way too young to have so much hate in his little body. Then one day, I was playing with the fishbone on a string toy. And they were all playing!! Jumping and falling on each other. I still remember the first time Penelopy fell on Oliver. He stared at her for a few seconds, and she stared back, and they both went back to playing.

They've been good friends ever since.

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I guess I'm kinda used to people thinking I'm being ridiculous about stuff like this.

Before me and Nick started dating, he lived for a while with his brother and his brothers girlfriend. They had two adult cats. Definitely not sunshine and rainbows. She also briefly lived with a female kitten (who Nick's mom eventually lost), and while it took a few days to adjust, she eventually liked her. Maybe she sees kittens as less of a threat? She's kinda territorial.
She liked to play mama with Jasper, too. She'd bathe him and swish her tail for him to chase, and she watched over him while he was sick.
I think the kitten thing might be partially my own preference, too. God knows I love grown up cats too, but for some reason I always gravitate towards kittens. I think I just like raising them and taking care of them, and I'm usually closer with cats I had as kittens.

eck1kaylie said:

It's been just a little over a month.
I'm trying to be patient and not get discouraged, I just don't really know how to deal with stress without kitty love. I've never had to. :/
I'm hoping she'll come around eventually, it's just strange that she's still so lovey to me when Nick is home, but now when we're alone.

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We lost Kitten about 7 weeks ago. It's only been the last week that Mook has really acted like herself. Not only do they feel our stress and sadness they seem to go through a very real grief process themselves. I found it helpful to focus on helping my Mooky by paying extra attention and just giving extra loves even when she wasn't sleeping with me at night or being as close. By taking the focus off your hurt and trying to help your cat you'll benefit both of you .

Kittens Mom said:

We lost Kitten about 7 weeks ago. It's only been the last week that Mook has really acted like herself. Not only do they feel our stress and sadness they seem to go through a very real grief process themselves. I found it helpful to focus on helping my Mooky by paying extra attention and just giving extra loves even when she wasn't sleeping with me at night or being as close. By taking the focus off your hurt and trying to help your cat you'll benefit both of you .

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Yeah, it's been 7 weeks now for us, too. I've been loving her as much as I can, and she's definitely been more affectionate recently, although she still sleeps in the closet when Nick's not home.

eck1kaylie said:

Yeah, it's been 7 weeks now for us, too. I've been loving her as much as I can, and she's definitely been more affectionate recently, although she still sleeps in the closet when Nick's not home.

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Mooky still looks for Kitten. And she goes to a doll quilt I had as a child that Kitten was always finding a way to squat on.  Finally hung it on the wall. Mook climbs up and sniffs it. Kitten was her surrogate mother and lifelong companion. Mook never knew a time without Kitten. I've done a lot of reading about the effects of stress on cats and the ways animals grieve. When Mook stopped eating for a few days it was a reality check to get my own behavior under control and make our home as normal as possible. if she feels safer in the closet make her a bed and maybe provide food and water close by.

We added a baby 5 days after we lost Kitten. Our home was unbearable and Mook was a ghost. It was a rough few days but now Mook has taken the position of senior cat and rather nurtures the baby.  it was not an obvious benefit at the onset. I don't personally think it matter what age cat you prefer. There are millions of homeless ones of every age. I know for us the baby got sucked into our system almost seamlessly. Mook would never tolerate an adult cat easily especially when she was already stressed.

The age of the cat and honestly, even Ruby, weren't really the point in this latest addition here. She definitely still misses her buddy, but she's adjusting. I think at this point she's more bored than anything. I have playtime with her every day, but she doesn't stay interested in toys for very long unless it's her idea to play, and then she just runs around the house with them.
She will always prefer Nick to me, she always has. Our home is as normal as it's going to get.