We lost our Riley

I just discovered TCS and am so happy I did.  Thank you to everyone for your posts and to each of you that have lost a furry friend I am truly sorry.  Last week we suddenly lost our buddy Riley, he was only 1.5 years old.  We adopted him when he was about 4 months ago and he was truly such a blessing.  He was energetic and playful, cuddly, friendly, talked to me when I came home from work, followed us around.  I had never had a pet before him and never realized how attached you could become.  Riley had been having some issues with overgrooming for the past couple months and was seeing a vet regularly for evaluation of possible allergies vs. psychogenic alopecia.  My fiance and I work long hours and Riley was a bit clingy so our first vet was pretty set on the diagnosis of psychogenic alopecia.  We moved a few months ago and established care with a new veterinary practice and started to re-evaluate the problem.  He always looked really well though, never sick, always happy and playful, just seemed "itchy."

Then around Thanksgiving he began to have new symptoms- he vomited three times in 3 days (which he had never done before) and we attributed this to new dry food I had gotten.  We switched him back to his previous dry food and the vomiting resolved.  He then would randomly have days where he slept a little more than usual- but still playful and energetic when awake, ate well, etc.  The week prior to his passing, I noticed he started licking random things- the tile floor, the coffee table, the refrigerator and dishwasher doors, etc.  We also noticed new areas of hair loss on his legs.  I took him back to the vet on a Saturday morning, they were so nice to squeeze me into a busy day, and they gave him steroids and an antibiotic shot and did some labwork to evaluate for anemia.  Throughout all of this he looked well overall- not 100% but also not "sick."  She said we would followup with the labwork and go from there, he may need a biopsy down the line and we would need to see an internal medicine specialist in the next week or two.

My fiance and I had planned to go to CA to visit my family for the week of Christmas and during my visit with the vet I asked if she thought it would be okay.  She said she would call me with the results on Monday (we were leaving Monday) and we would see if anything else needed to be done.  Our friend was going to be checking in on Riley while we were away (we've never left him like this before, the longest we ever left him was a day or two).  When I landed in CA I saw a message from the vet, I spoke to her and she told me he was both anemia and leukopenic (low white blood cells) and she was glad we had given him steroids and antibiotics- since they were shots they each lasted 2-3 weeks.  She asked me how he looked that morning and I told her he looked great!  He was excited to see me in the morning as he always is when I wake up and come to find him (I always said hi to him first thing after I woke up) and his eyes always got big with excitement and hed jump up and run over to me, he ate dry food from his bowl, followed me around as I got ready (he followed us all over the place) and watched us get ready.  He looked wonderful.  I now feel like he didn't want us to know he wasn't feeling well and he wanted us to remember him for how he always was- happy and excited to be around us.  She asked us to tell our friend to come and check on him everyday and she would be in touch.  The following evening our friend went to check on him and found him already passed  He looked like he passed in his sleep as he was found in front of our big living room windows in his usual spot in his usual sleeping position.  Did not look like he struggled or was in distress immediately prior to death.  I was so heartbroken to find out he had passed all alone, without us there!  It's guilt I don't think I will ever overcome.  I never thought he looked "sick," he wasn't 100% himself but always looked good.

The vet reviewed everything with us again and feels all the itching he was having in conjunction with his blood abnormalities may indicate he had cutaneous lymphoma.  Rare in his age group and with a poor long term prognosis even with chemo.  Now we don't know for sure that is what he had since we did not do a biopsy or necropsy, but that is their best guess.  If not cutaneous lymphoma, they feel whatever he had going on was serious and aggressive since he passed so suddenly, even after getting steroids which often help with many different medical issues.

I am so so sad.  He was truly the love of my life, always brightened my day, showered us with cuddles and love every single day, and even in his last few weeks when he wasn't feeling well, he showed nothing but strength and smiles.  I can't believe I didn't pick up on serious sickness cues and even more sad that I wasn't there to hold him as he took his last breaths.  I will always regret leaving him and had I felt he really looked unwell I would have never left.  We were across country from him and when we tried to change our flights back it was way more than we could afford. 

I'm so thankful he seems to have died in peace and didn't suffer in his last moments based on the position he was found in and the fact he was out in the living room and wasn't hiding.  I was also wondering about cat behaviors near death.  Riley was a very loving and clingy cat, followed us everywhere around the apt, sat in our laps as we watched TV or did work, always wanted to be around us.  I'm not sure how he would have been if we had been home, but it doesn't look like he was trying to hide.  

I can't stop crying every day, but I feel truly blessed to have had the opportunity to have him in my life, albeit for a short time.  Now I know how ever pet owner feels, having a pet is like having a child, you love and care for them and want them to always be happy and well.  

Sorry for such a long post.  But thank you for sharing your stories and allowing me to share mine. 

My little Riley.

I'm so sorry to hear about Riley. It sounds like he was a very special cat and very well loved. He loved you, too. It is only natural that you wish you had been with him at the end but it does sound like he went peacefully in his sleep. He really was a very beautiful boy.

You are definitely at the right place to talk about Riley as most of us know the deep pain of losing one of the furry members of the family. I still grieve over my old Milo and Wesley who have been gone many years now. It does get better, though and I hope you can gain some comfort from knowing you gave Riley a loving home, even if he was taken from you when he was so young.

RIP dear Riley. Run free and wild. [emoji]127752[/emoji]

Such a loss. He was beautiful. Almost everyone here has lost a cat, and we all know that one day we will do so again; their lives are just so short in comparison to ours. But it's especially heartbreaking to lose a kitten this way.

Knowing the way people think, my guess is that you're feeling guilty about going to California for Christmas. If so, please be aware that these are feelings, not something totally rational. That doesn't make them invalid, we feel what we feel, but it does mean that you don't have to accept these particular feelings as an accurate representation of what happened.

Here is the short course in how to deal with this kind of loss.

1. You must grieve your loss. Grieving is difficult, but necessary, work, and it's the only thing that will ever make the pain any better.
2. It hurts as much as it hurts. People may say to you something along the lines of "He was just a cat," or "You only had him a few months," as if that means Riley was unimportant or you didn't have time to bond with him. The fact is, Riley was a valued member of your family; if his loss didn't hurt it would be evidence that you're insane. Some people think that putting that much importance on the loss of a "mere" animal is somehow disrespectful to humans that you have lost, or will lose. Those people are fools. Loss is loss. It hurts as much as it hurts, and don't let anyone bully you into thinking that it's wrong to grieve for Riley.
3. It takes as long as it takes. People may tell you that, because Riley was "just" a cat, you really should be over your grief within — oh, pick a time — six weeks, six months, something arbitrary, anyway. They're wrong. You should be over your grief when you're over your grief, and not a minute sooner. I fell for this one, once, after my Sweet Thing died. That is the only pet loss that still haunts me, because that is the loss that I never finished grieving.
4. The only way to the other side of grief is straight through the middle. There are no shortcuts, no bypasses. Any attempt to avoid the grieving will just sabotage you.

The loss of any loved one is a lot like an amputation. Something is missing from your life, and it will never come back. But you have a choice about how the wound heals. You can let it fester and cause problems for you for the rest of your life, or you can keep it clean by crying over it when it hurts. There will always be a Riley-shaped hole in your heart that no other pet can fill, but it doesn't have to cause you agony forever. Do your grief work. Don't let anyone stop you, because this is a way to care for yourself. And someday, when the pain is less intense, you'll be ready to love another cat, for his or her own self and not as an attempt to fill that Riley-shaped hole. But only you can decide when that time has come. And be aware that we'll be here for you every step of the way.

Margret

Margret said:

Here is the short course in how to deal with this kind of loss.

1. You must grieve your loss. Grieving is difficult, but necessary, work, and it's the only thing that will ever make the pain any better.
2. It hurts as much as it hurts. People may say to you something along the lines of "He was just a cat," or "You only had him a few months," as if that means Riley was unimportant or you didn't have time to bond with him. The fact is, Riley was a valued member of your family; if his loss didn't hurt it would be evidence that you're insane. Some people think that putting that much importance on the loss of a "mere" animal is somehow disrespectful to humans that you have lost, or will lose. Those people are fools. Loss is loss. It hurts as much as it hurts, and don't let anyone bully you into thinking that it's wrong to grieve for Riley.
3. It takes as long as it takes. People may tell you that, because Riley was "just" a cat, you really should be over your grief within — oh, pick a time — six weeks, six months, something arbitrary, anyway. They're wrong. You should be over your grief when you're over your grief, and not a minute sooner. I fell for this one, once, after my Sweet Thing died. That is the only pet loss that still haunts me, because that is the loss that I never finished grieving.
4. The only way to the other side of grief is straight through the middle. There are no shortcuts, no bypasses. Any attempt to avoid the grieving will just sabotage you.

The loss of any loved one is a lot like an amputation. Something is missing from your life, and it will never come back. But you have a choice about how the wound heals. You can let it fester and cause problems for you for the rest of your life, or you can keep it clean by crying over it when it hurts. There will always be a Riley-shaped hole in your heart that no other pet can fill, but it doesn't have to cause you agony forever. Do your grief work. Don't let anyone stop you, because this is a way to care for yourself. And someday, when the pain is less intense, you'll be ready to love another cat, for his or her own self and not as an attempt to fill that Riley-shaped hole. But only you can decide when that time has come. And be aware that we'll be here for you every step of the way.

Margret

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This is so beautiful. And accurate.

And one thing I'll add. People don't need to understand your need to grieve, but they do need to respect it. That's all I have ever asked from anyone.

O My. We both cried and cried. Cannot believe I  took Ally a week later. But as a friend told me, God sends us what we need when we need it and she has so many of Tigger's traits.I know Tigger was suffering and is in a much better place, We will not forget him cause we got a new cat but I truly believe' Opie was grieving also and she has just blessed us in so many ways.., and lightened our hearts in so many ways.However I realize this would not work for everyone. But it has been a real real uplifting of our spirits.

  You will remember the good times and her antics and remember all the good things. Only you can know when you are ready. A lady told me at work she came in one day all teary eyed, would not tell any of us why, afraid someone would say " get a grip he was just a dog" When she finally said something she got lots of hugs from most of us, she found out we all consider our pets as family members. Several said they would have taken the day off.

      Remember you are in our hearts and prayers. Bless you.....

 I believe that he waited for me to leave to pass.  He could have easily died under my bed or one day when I was not home, yet he chose to wait until the day we left for vacation.

THat could very well be when I was young and we had outdoor cats they always disappeared at the end of life. We rarely ever found them. sounds as if he did not want to burden you.

DBLJJ said:

 I believe that he waited for me to leave to pass.  He could have easily died under my bed or one day when I was not home, yet he chose to wait until the day we left for vacation.


THat could very well be when I was young and we had outdoor cats they always disappeared at the end of life. We rarely ever found them. sounds as if he did not want to burden you.

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It's entirely possible he waited for you to be gone - I wondered about that when I read he passed while you were away. I've seen other cats do this, as well. I know how much you wish you were with him, I would feel the same way. But you did everything right for this beautiful little boy and made his life complete with your love. Your grief now does him honor. My heart goes out to you for the pain you feel. [emoji]10084[/emoji]️

I am sorry you lost Rily, he was a beautiful little guy. It didn't seem like he suffered thankfully.  

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet, handsome Riley.   Please express my condolences to your fiance as well.  I know this was very sudden and shocking to the both of you.  

Margret said:

Such a loss. He was beautiful. Almost everyone here has lost a cat, and we all know that one day we will do so again; their lives are just so short in comparison to ours. But it's especially heartbreaking to lose a kitten this way.

Knowing the way people think, my guess is that you're feeling guilty about going to California for Christmas. If so, please be aware that these are feelings, not something totally rational. That doesn't make them invalid, we feel what we feel, but it does mean that you don't have to accept these particular feelings as an accurate representation of what happened.

Here is the short course in how to deal with this kind of loss.

1. You must grieve your loss. Grieving is difficult, but necessary, work, and it's the only thing that will ever make the pain any better.
2. It hurts as much as it hurts. People may say to you something along the lines of "He was just a cat," or "You only had him a few months," as if that means Riley was unimportant or you didn't have time to bond with him. The fact is, Riley was a valued member of your family; if his loss didn't hurt it would be evidence that you're insane. Some people think that putting that much importance on the loss of a "mere" animal is somehow disrespectful to humans that you have lost, or will lose. Those people are fools. Loss is loss. It hurts as much as it hurts, and don't let anyone bully you into thinking that it's wrong to grieve for Riley.
3. It takes as long as it takes. People may tell you that, because Riley was "just" a cat, you really should be over your grief within — oh, pick a time — six weeks, six months, something arbitrary, anyway. They're wrong. You should be over your grief when you're over your grief, and not a minute sooner. I fell for this one, once, after my Sweet Thing died. That is the only pet loss that still haunts me, because that is the loss that I never finished grieving.
4. The only way to the other side of grief is straight through the middle. There are no shortcuts, no bypasses. Any attempt to avoid the grieving will just sabotage you.

The loss of any loved one is a lot like an amputation. Something is missing from your life, and it will never come back. But you have a choice about how the wound heals. You can let it fester and cause problems for you for the rest of your life, or you can keep it clean by crying over it when it hurts. There will always be a Riley-shaped hole in your heart that no other pet can fill, but it doesn't have to cause you agony forever. Do your grief work. Don't let anyone stop you, because this is a way to care for yourself. And someday, when the pain is less intense, you'll be ready to love another cat, for his or her own self and not as an attempt to fill that Riley-shaped hole. But only you can decide when that time has come. And be aware that we'll be here for you every step of the way.

Margret

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Thank you so much for this honest and helpful advice.  I have never had a pet before Riley so I did not understand the attachment and love I would feel until we adopted him.  While nobody has come out and said anything along the lines of "get over it" or "he was just a cat,"  I can tell by the looks on a few people's faces that that's what they were thinking and it stopped me from talking to them about this.  My fiance has a different way of grieving- we cried together the first few days after Riley's death but now he is trying to move forward and focuses more on logistics and practicalities.  I am not there yet and knowing myself, I will take much more time to get there.  I know the pain will become less intense with time and right now I need to allow myself to cry when I feel like it.  You were also correct in saying that I feel guilty about going to California.  I discussed this with our veterinarian before we went away to make sure it was okay.  While we knew something was going on with Riley, I don't think any of us thought it was this serious- he was so young afterall.  But now I do feel guilty for not staying with him because perhaps I would have seen something unusual and could have taken him to the vet right away.  Now I think about how Riley refused a treat the morning we left which he never had done before, but I had seen him eating from his food bowl and playing so I didn't think too much about it.  I know this circular logic is not healthy though so I am trying to think about all the positives:  I was taking him to the vet diligently and we followed their instructions closely, I continued to tell him daily how much I loved him and how thankful I was that he chose us, and he died peacefully without any struggles, several medical tests or being scared in a hospital without us there.  These are the things that bring me a little comfort and peace.  

But thank you for your advice, it definitely spoke to me.  And thank you to everyone for the messages and responses-- it helps SO SO much to know there are people out there who care and understand.

Happy New Year to you all.

After Sweet Thing's death, when I realized the damage that had been done to me by well meaning but dangerous advice from a friend (at my husband's instigation), I went to the library and checked out the first book on grieving that I found, then made my husband read it. I got almost all of that from the book, and I'd credit the author if I could still remember what the book was, but I suspect you'll find substantially the same advice in any book on the subject.

As for guilt, have you ever known a rape victim? Almost always, a rape victim blames her- or himself. The obvious reason is that society prefers to blame the victim ("I'm not like her, so it can't happen to me"), and victims can internalize these societal attitudes. The less obvious reason is that sometimes feeling guilty feels better than feeling helpless. The subconscious reasoning goes "If this was my fault, there was something I could have done to prevent it. Therefore, if I can just find that something, I can prevent this from ever happening again." The problem is, it doesn't work. And frequently the victim's feelings of guilt allow the rapist to get off scott-free, and rape again.

In the case of guilt over a pet's death, there are two dangers.

1. You may decide that you're a bad pet parent and cut yourself off from the possibility of ever having pets again.
2. You may get a pet, and then be over-protective, not visiting family at Christmas, for instance.

Guilt compromises your judgment. Therefore, it must always be scrutinized carefully before being accepted. And when something makes you feel guilty for legitimate reasons, make whatever amends are possible, learn whatever lessons there are to learn, and then let go of it. Because if you don't let go of it, it will poison your life, and lead you to make poor decisions in the future.

Margret

Margret said:

As for guilt, have you ever known a rape victim? Almost always, a rape victim blames her- or himself. The obvious reason is that society prefers to blame the victim ("I'm not like her, so it can't happen to me"), and victims can internalize these societal attitudes. The less obvious reason is that sometimes feeling guilty feels better than feeling helpless. The subconscious reasoning goes "If this was my fault, there was something I could have done to prevent it. Therefore, if I can just find that something, I can prevent this from ever happening again." The problem is, it doesn't work. And frequently the victim's feelings of guilt allow the rapist to get off scott-free, and rape again.

In the case of guilt over a pet's death, there are two dangers.

1. You may decide that you're a bad pet parent and cut yourself off from the possibility of ever having pets again.
2. You may get a pet, and then be over-protective, not visiting family at Christmas, for instance.

Guilt compromises your judgment. Therefore, it must always be scrutinized carefully before being accepted. And when something makes you feel guilty for legitimate reasons, make whatever amends are possible, learn whatever lessons there are to learn, and then let go of it. Because if you don't let go of it, it will poison your life, and lead you to make poor decisions in the future.

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So well said, Margret, thanks again so much for your wisdom and advice.  They are truly speaking to me...

This is what comes of being sixty-something. You learn things. "Experience is a great teacher. Unfortunately, her lessons tend to arrive just after you need them, and the tuition fees are high." Fortunately, I didn't learn about the rape thing first hand. I read a lot.

Margret

I'm so sorry for your loss, a broken heart takes a long time to heal. Riley wormed his way into your heart in the short time he was on this earth, and there he will be lovingly held for as long as you live. Guilt is almost always a part of grieving, there is no perfection in any death, so we always feel that we have failed somewhere, all those 'should haves', and 'could haves' take over in our thoughts. Dwelling on these brings nothing but heartache. We all should be celebrating the life and the love we shared with our loved ones, but it is so overshadowed by the pain and sorrow it takes a long time to come into our lives.   Life is way too short to live the rest of it in sorrow, our sweet babies would never want us to live that way, they need for us to bring light and happiness into our hearts for them to share with us once again. When my Chrissy died and I was hardly functioning in those first terrible days, I went to the local shelter and asked which cat had been there the longest. I paid for the adoption of this cat for any family that was willing to give it a forever home, in my Chrissy's name, giving life to one in the name of one who died. It lifted my spirits tremendously.

They leave such a hole in our lives when they go, a hole that heals in time but still leaves a scar. But like a scar, it fades in time, never gone, but losing that first agonizing pain and becoming a part of who we are. The pain is great, but the love we had with our little one is greater, the bond you formed will never leave you, not even death can take it from you. Please know we mourn with you, we understand what you are going through because we have gone through it ourselves. I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers, be gentle on yourself....... RIP sweet Riley, may you bring comfort to those who loved you in their dreams and in the precious memories that are forever held in loving hearts!

Margret said so well everything I was trying to mentally organize to say, so I'll just add, my heart aches for you.

Someday, one day, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week or month or year, something in your brain with click, and you'll think, "KITTEN...we must have a kitten."  That kitten will never take Riley's place, but will earn its own place in your heart, and the hole where Riley was, and is,  will...not shrink, but be a bit brighter, and the edges less sharp.

Very sorry for your loss.. I also just lost my 1.5 yr old cat and am also having a very tough time with it. Sending support your way! At least you gave it a great home and love for the time it had

My condolences on your loss of Riley. It's always very difficult to lose a beloved pet, but doubly hard when they leave us at such a young age.

Di and Bob said:

 
I'm so sorry for your loss, a broken heart takes a long time to heal. Riley wormed his way into your heart in the short time he was on this earth, and there he will be lovingly held for as long as you live. Guilt is almost always a part of grieving, there is no perfection in any death, so we always feel that we have failed somewhere, all those 'should haves', and 'could haves' take over in our thoughts. Dwelling on these brings nothing but heartache. We all should be celebrating the life and the love we shared with our loved ones, but it is so overshadowed by the pain and sorrow it takes a long time to come into our lives.   Life is way too short to live the rest of it in sorrow, our sweet babies would never want us to live that way, they need for us to bring light and happiness into our hearts for them to share with us once again. When my Chrissy died and I was hardly functioning in those first terrible days, I went to the local shelter and asked which cat had been there the longest. I paid for the adoption of this cat for any family that was willing to give it a forever home, in my Chrissy's name, giving life to one in the name of one who died. It lifted my spirits tremendously.

They leave such a hole in our lives when they go, a hole that heals in time but still leaves a scar. But like a scar, it fades in time, never gone, but losing that first agonizing pain and becoming a part of who we are. The pain is great, but the love we had with our little one is greater, the bond you formed will never leave you, not even death can take it from you. Please know we mourn with you, we understand what you are going through because we have gone through it ourselves. I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers, be gentle on yourself....... RIP sweet Riley, may you bring comfort to those who loved you in their dreams and in the precious memories that are forever held in loving hearts!

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Thank you so much for your response and thoughts and prayers.  You are right, the memories and love will always always be a part of us and for that I feel truly lucky.  When we went to the shelter to adopt a cat I remember playing with a cat in a cage above Riley...little Riley was in the bottom cage of a stack of cages and was sticking his little paw out to get my attention.  It was my fiance who saw him doing this and directed my attention to him.  We asked to play with him but another couple had expressed interest in adopting him so he was on "hold."  We played with a few other cats and didn't feel we had found one that truly fit our personality and were about to leave when suddenly one of the volunteers came to get us because the couple had decided not to adopt him.  We were ecstatic.  They set us up to play with him and within 10 seconds I knew he was the one-- not standoffish, ran right into my chest going after a stray ball, didn't fear us and wanted to actually be near us. I went to pick him up and he put his paws on my face and then jumped onto my shoulder haha.  I thanked Riley every day out loud for "choosing us."

These memories make me smile so wide.  My heart misses him.  The home feels empty without him.  But I feel blessed to have been able to experience his energy and love.  

very few humans are chosen, you were lucky to have been selected by a kitty. He knew you were the right family for him. 1.5 years to so young, I am so happy he had such a loving family. RIP sweet Riley