Kitten cuddles

My 3 1/2 month old kitten doesn't really like cuddles. Any suggestions on how to get him to like cuddling more? For feral kittens, there is a strong philosophy that everything should be the kitten's choice and you have to make them want to make the decision, whatever that decision may be (cuddling isn't explicitly mentioned). I've also had someone tell me they just held their kittens despite their struggles to get free and would only let them down when they calmed down. This person told me their cats are very used to cuddles now that they are older. This seems contradictory to what I've learned. I'm at a loss as to how to go about building this up in him.

Is this a feral kitten? How long have you had him?

Some kittens take longer than others to attach, trust, and snuggle.

I took in a pregnant stray last winter, who birthed four kittens. I've kept them all, and of them all, one male kitten has only just begun to snuggle with me about a month ago, at eight months of age. All are sweet and tame, but even as a kitten, he was shy. I've always been kind, and now he comes to me for snuggles, but still won't let me pick him up as I do the others.

Sometimes it's just personality. My best advice is to move slowly around your kitten, speak softly and kindly, and give it time. Sit with him and show him you are not a threat.

He was caught feral at 6 weeks of age and was a foster of mine along with his two brothers. He appeared to take to handling right from the get-go. I had him in my lap the second day after having him. I was able to have him lay and sleep on me just fine. But it turned out he was sick with coccidia, so that would explain his lethargy at that time... He was out of my care for a couple weeks - he went up for adoption, got adopted, and then his adopter was planning on taking him back and asked if I wanted him. I decided to adopt him then. He didn't get much cuddling during those 2 1/2 weeks he was gone. I'm wondering if he just has learned to be an alone sleeper? He laid on me quite frequently when he first came back to us. Now, not so much. He does lay on me from time to time, but when I try to put him on my chest or lap, he'll usually jump off. He also pushes away when I hope him. He won't try to jump out of my arms really, just pushes like "Nu, I don't like this!" He's pretty hyper and just wants to wrestle and play. I'm hoping he'll out-grow that stage to an extent and when he does, he might want more cuddles.

Well, it sounds as though he had a bit of transferring around going on, which was likely stressful, but now he is in a stable home. He sounds like a normal, busy kitten who is not a natural cuddler. I would just let him be, and eventually he'll come around. Like I said, it may be personality. I'd not worry, but offer kindness and let things develop naturally.

You can't 'make' a cat/kitten do what they don't want to do. Oh, sure, you can force them by holding them down against their will but, in my opinion, that borders on abuse. I would never force my cat to do that!

I have two boys - completely different breeds, but born on the same exact day, and I got them within a week of each other. They will be 20 months on the 22nd of this month. Kricket is a Maine Coon and he is so overly affectionate it drives me nuts! LOL I can't give him enough belly rubs, head strokes, butt pats or brushing without him begging for more! And there isn't an hour that goes by that he isn't licking me and grooming me in some way or another.

Keeker, my DSH is the complete opposite. He never wanted to be touched or held since he was a kitten and I still can't hold him longer than 20-30 seconds without him throwing a hissy-fit and pushing away to get down. However...things have been looking up!

About 3 months ago I started a little routine with them where I settle on the couch to watch TV. I put a few treats on the cushion next to me and they have to come right next to me to get them. While they are sneaking their treats, I started gently laying my hand on Keeker. He is so involved in scarfing his treats that he doesn't realize I am touching him, but as soon as he does, I immediately remove my hand and ignore him.  Now, when I sit on the couch in the evening, Keeker is the first one at my side and he sits patiently (while I ignore him) for his treat. If I don't give it to him immediately, he will now put his paw on my leg and has even walked across my lap and rubbed his head against me. I will reach out and stroke him and give him verbal praise and then give him a treat and continue to stroke his back while he is chewing on it. 

Occasionally, I will gather him up in my arms and he will lay against my chest while I lightly scratch his back. I've learned he loves having his back scratched  and he will start grooming himself and forgets that I am even holding him! This has lasted up to about 4 minutes so far, but I am thrilled to death that he gives me that much time! When he starts to wiggle, I immediately let him go so he doesn't feel threatened or trapped. 

Slowly....very slowly, we are building a trusting bond. But we are doing it at his pace and without force. 

He has also been coming near me more often to rub against my legs and even allows me to reach down and stroke his back before moving away. If this is all I get, I will be happy! It's more than I've ever had. In all honesty, I believe he is just tolerating me because he knows I have treats and he is sucking up to me - but I pretend he's doing it because really likes me, LOL

So why, if they were raised together and given the same exact love and affection and attention in the same environment, does one crave giving and receiving affection and the other cringes at it? Personality! 

Just like humans, cats choose who they like and who they love and who they want to avoid at all cost! I let my cats be themselves and I know that they BOTH love me in their own individual way. And I like that they are unique and different from each other. When Keeker comes to me on his own, even for a few seconds, it means SO much more to me than if I were to 'hold him down' just to feign affection.   

Jahzara said:

 
My 3 1/2 month old kitten doesn't really like cuddles. Any suggestions on how to get him to like cuddling more? For feral kittens, there is a strong philosophy that everything should be the kitten's choice and you have to make them want to make the decision, whatever that decision may be (cuddling isn't explicitly mentioned). I've also had someone tell me they just held their kittens despite their struggles to get free and would only let them down when they calmed down. This person told me their cats are very used to cuddles now that they are older. This seems contradictory to what I've learned. I'm at a loss as to how to go about building this up in him.

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Many kittens tend not to like cuddles very much when kittens, they usually become more cuddable as they get older.

I dont believe in helding them by force.  Quite opposite - release them immediately when you notice them wants down - preferably  a second earlier.  So they learn, being taken up is OK - they can always come down as soon they wish.  So even if they arent fond of it, they will accept.   And with time discover its usually pleasant, as long the owner isnt overdoing it.

There is one exception.  There IS a trick.  Wrap them in alike a burrito.  Wrapped up, they tend to cease resistance.  In that postion, you can carry them at your chest, talking softly, singing, crooning... half an hour, a full hour.   A nice trick useful with  ferale kittens, and I think, may be useful with older semiferales too.

As you describe it further down, he sounds fully normal.  It will be better and better with time, as long as you ensure you are worthy of his friendship and love...  

He must have the right to leave, if he so wish. This way, when he stays, you KNOW its voluntarily - even if you perhaps notice he isnt enjoying. And sometimes you will happily notice he is in fact enjoying and even in excstase.

Some kittens are very sociale from the beginning, some - especielly the shy, warms up slower, and you must earn their trust and love.

THIS way a shy or a ex semi-feral is almost nicer.  When he GIVES you his love, you KNOW its something given you voluntarily, its not because its thursday.

Apologies, I did not see some of these responses. I read one response in an email, but forgot you have to actually visit the post before you get more notifications.

Fyllis - I might try that technique of yours, the treat giving on the couch. I like that idea.

StefanZ - I'm glad you think this is normal and he'll probably outgrow it. I -have- tried the burritoing thing when him and his brothers first came to me as feral fosters. It didn't work well for them! Haha. They struggled. It has worked nicely on my current foster though.

I'm pretty confident that he trusts me. He follows me everywhere and he does seem to crave pets from time to time.

His behavior was improving for a while there and then suddenly has gotten worse... He doesn't want attention hardly at all. He's getting more bitey. He doesn't even seem to like to play with us much. 

What I want to come across to him is that loves and pets is something he GETS to enjoy, not something he has to tolerate. =/

I'm really discouraged by this recent change in him... I got positive behavior from him when I keep him in the bathroom at night time; in the mornings, he would be so happy to see me he would be purring and flooping at my feet. He sleeps with us at night time now mostly and I'm thinking of returning to the sleepovers in the bathroom to help him see "humans being with you are good!" I used this reverse psychology on my late cat as well. She would have times when she wouldn't want to come to bed with me. All I had to do was audible close the door and check it 15 minutes later. There she'd be, eager to come join me! My only concern with placing him in the bathroom at night time is that he'll get used to solo sleeps. No one else touching him as they move around, no hands randomly petting him. They say to touch your kittens everywhere so they get used to it. Well since he just pulls away whenever we do touch him, I haven't touched him as much and if I do, it's for mere seconds. When he's sleeping and I try to pet his belly or back legs, he already pushes away..

I know right now he just wants a kitten friend to play with. We had a foster kitten and the day after she was adopted, he was running through the house looking for her and was very vocal! Not something he usually is. He started getting very lovey, purring and flooping on me, asking for loves. We now have a new foster kitten and he is very eager to play with him and I know he'll be thrilled for the time when we can finally let him loose! Haha.

I guess I would just like to understand what is going on in his head... maybe he still doesn't really trust me? He seems unsure when he loves on me. He'll lay on me and then get up and lay on the bed. I'll pet him and then he'll walk off like he doesn't want the pets even though he's still purring. I've tried gently petting him while he's on me and then stopping slowly, hoping he'd stay. Nope. I'd try continually petting him, hoping he'd stay. Nope.

I just don't understand what is going on in this cat's head! He was doing so well for a while there. I'd get down on the floor with him and play with toys up close and personal. Now it doesn't hold his interest for long...

I read a thread online of some people with similar problems. For one person, they suggested the petting while playing thing, which I tried and it was working for a while there. For another person, they suggested completely ignoring them other than feeding and other basic needs and eventually the kitten would be craving their attention. I'm ready to try that route... I'm kind of at my wits end on this and bonding with my kitten is becoming more difficult and discouraging...