For my Kitten

kittens mom · Dec 2, 2015

Misty8723 said:
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wasn't reading your earlier threads so I don't know the circumstances, but I do know how much you're hurting. When our Cindy passed, we had a private cremation for her and it does bring you some sense of peace. It was pretty much the same as you mentioned, we got to see her and spend a little time with her. Then we went to the back. They put a little piece of her blanket in with her, and then told us we probably didn't want to look when they put her in the oven - and we didn't, just held on to each other. It's been over a year and I still miss and cry for her. Little Darcy too who we adopted after to be a friend to our other cat, Swanie and to us, and had her only a couple months before losing her. I wish we had done the private ceremony for her too, but it was a money issue at the time. I hope you are able to find another baby to love and be companion to your other cat. Right now our little Tortie Cricket is sitting next to me meowing for something or other, so life does go on. She can't replace Cindy or Darcy in my heart, but there is enough room for her to occupy as well.

I wish peace for you. It's not always so easy to find.

I have a world of hurt from the things that happened after my mare was put down. A mare I'd had for over 20 years was hauled to the landfill behind my back. I had screaming nightmares about her being burnt, legs falling off and images I don't want to describe. For me this was as necessary as my next breath. It took me many years to sort though the grief I experienced after I lost Nik and it was not the actual having to put her down. It was the chaos and disorder after when the guardians are often suffering from emotional blackout that was the prime cause of what amounts to a total emotional breakdown. Severe depression and being pumped full of mood stabilizing medication that has it's own set of issues. By following a ritual with Kitten I accept her death even though it is painful beyond words at times. I will not get lost in that blackness again. I lost a couple years of my life and it was having Kitten to care for that eventually gave me the fortitude to suck it up and live.

Death demands a ritual. it is a way of parting.

kittens mom · Dec 2, 2015

Donutte said:
I cannot read any of your posts without crying, because it is so reminiscent of what I went through. Even the part about the collar due to arrive. An hour after I made the decision that we'd put Lucky to sleep the next day, I got an email that his Clinicare had shipped. The special syringe I'd ordered with the soft tip arrived later that day. The Clinicare and k/d arrived the week after he was gone. I still have it in my kitchen, waiting to take it to someone I met that fosters cats with kidney disease.

I think the reason you left your carrier in your shed is why we didn't put him in one that day. We wrapped him up in a towel (in case he wee'd again) and then in a blanket. It was a particularly turbulent, blustery and nasty night, his last night on earth - seemed apropos. And it was cold that morning, so made sure he was warm. Didn't even put my seat belt on - short ride when the vet's just next door. Everyone was crying - the assistant, the vet, the office people. 16 days of intense stuff and probably seeing us more than any vet's office wants to see a patient in that amount of time. My vet had to go outside without a coat in the cold rain to compose himself. But at least I can say it was peaceful.

I guess this is the price... no, the agreement we make... when we decide to love these guys during the good, the bad, the ugly, and the wonderful. Like you, I don't regret any of the decision I made along the way. We fought the good fight, but in the end, we just lost. In hindsight, I think we knew we would, but we needed to at least try, to justify it that final decision. I cried every day since his diagnosis so I know I knew. I needed something visible or tangible to tell me though.

I feel for you more than you know. Going through five issues in ten minutes is pretty significant, right?

I take no comfort in your tears except in knowing that we both understand each other's grief. I have a case of the A/D , the collar coming tomorrow and a box of feeding syringes. We had such a long ride. Tempted as I was to hold her I put her in a crate. The vet is on a very busy road. I had this horrible image of her running out of the car in fear right under a tire. Yeah my mind works that way. As I said it's our obligation to make the best decisions we can for them at the moment and at the same time it is against our nature to kill things we love. Our little loves are in no more pain. When my best friends husband passed suddenly it took about two days for people to suggest she just needed to move on with her life. Our very being demands we mourn our loss. When that right of passage is dismissed or scored the real damage begins. Grief comes and goes with the pain it brings. It's one thing to let it rule/ruin your life and just as destructive to feel like you have no right to your pain because it was just a cat after all. Say it with me. YES IT WAS ONLY A CAT BUT IT WAS MY CAT! Neither of us made our choice easily. I'm sure like me you didn't care you were starting to smell that the backside of slaughterhouse with all the liquid goo on your clothes , towels and what ever else that slurry came in contact with. If you had to get up every 4 hours for a year and they had a quality of life we'd find a way. And it takes even more courage to know when it's over , When the cat is still walking around the exam room poking into things. Her body was dying but she was still Kitten. My husband said all he wanted to do was grab her and run. Instead he sat there and held her and treated her just like we always did. All of us her have had to or will have to show extraordinary courage at some point. And here I am preparing myself to do it yet again.

kittens mom · Dec 2, 2015

I was feeling bad. The coulda woulda shoulda blues. Googled -Feeling guilty that I couldn't afford to save my pet.

Exactly what is going on in this world that people are belittled for not having unlimited resources. Or stellar pet insurance. We spent no small amount in trying to save Kitten. She was failing rapidly. In pain. While in the end we DID have to make some financial consideration if either of us or the vets had been at all encouraging we would have likely tried. We had to balance her needs and the cost in the end with her possible prognosis and quality of life. We made the decision with the vet to let her go. We are devastated. Hurt and then I read comments on this subject that imply that somehow we are monsters. bad pet owners. Better yet irresponsible. Yes that's why we rushed her to the ER over and over trying and trying and finally realizing we were going to lose her and that at some point there had to be a cut off point on what we could do, should do and could afford to do. All animal charities I know of are overwhelmed , gofundme is overflowing with people begging for money. We let our little cat go and to see that there are actually people who would point and accuse of not caring or being irresponsible is heartbreaking.

We would have loved to hand her over and give the vets carte blanch and do what ever you want . no mind of the cost.

rant over

margd · Dec 2, 2015

Kittens Mom said:
I was feeling bad. The coulda woulda shoulda blues. Googled -Feeling guilty that I couldn't afford to save my pet.
Exactly what is going on in this world that people are belittled for not having unlimited resources. Or stellar pet insurance. We spent no small amount in trying to save Kitten. She was failing rapidly. In pain. While in the end we DID have to make some financial consideration if either of us or the vets had been at all encouraging we would have likely tried. We had to balance her needs and the cost in the end with her possible prognosis and quality of life. We made the decision with the vet to let her go. We are devastated. Hurt and then I read comments on this subject that imply that somehow we are monsters. bad pet owners. Better yet irresponsible. Yes that's why we rushed her to the ER over and over trying and trying and finally realizing we were going to lose her and that at some point there had to be a cut off point on what we could do, should do and could afford to do. All animal charities I know of are overwhelmed , gofundme is overflowing with people begging for money. We let our little cat go and to see that there are actually people who would point and accuse of not caring or being irresponsible is heartbreaking.
We would have loved to hand her over and give the vets carte blanch and do what ever you want . no mind of the cost.
rant over

You did everything you could for Kitten, more than many people do. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I honestly can't imagine anyone who followed Kitten's story thinking you should have done more.

kittens mom · Dec 2, 2015

Margd said:
You did everything you could for Kitten, more than many people do. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I honestly can't imagine anyone who followed Kitten's story thinking you should have done more.

I am actually shopping for pet insurance now. I can honestly say a lot of it is pure crap. Most pet owners have to at some point balance all the facts. As much as we like to think of them as furry children they really are animals. She had no idea of the future only the moment. Making sure that she did not suffer is and should be the number one thing on any pet owners plate when contemplating treatment no matter the size of the checkbook. My final words before consenting to euthanasia were that respiration and a heartbeat do not constitute living. Perhaps because I've seen so many animals of many species being kept alive for the welfare of the owner rather than the consideration of the animal itself. Maybe some people should ask themselves how much they're willing to put their pet through so they don't have to face what we did. There is another cost besides money.

kittens mom · Dec 2, 2015

When we took Kitten in. She was a tiny baby from one of the toss outs of the people next door we decided to keep her and raise her. It's wasn't an easy decision to take a baby that tiny from its mom but kittens out here have a poor survival rate on a good day. And if she moved them back over there we might never see the kitten again. And so we baby snatched. We heard the mama calling and for the first and only time in that cats life she came to our door. looked in and seen us with the baby. I swear to this day she nodded and walked off.

The last thing we needed was this kitten we named Kitten. We had both been laid off high tech jobs and my husband was working pretty much a min wage job just to keep the lights on and us fed. Financially she was a strain. Shots, spay, and all the things that little baby's need to grow up healthy. I looked at pet insurance then. Most required you to pay up front before getting reimbursed. We really couldn't afford to add a policy when all her bills would be out of pocket first. She got spayed at 8 months because that's how long it took us to save to take her to the good vet . We sold most of the horses and were in a holding pattern trying to pull our lives back together. I lost my mare. We were pretty much shambles financially.

But for a quirk one day where she got brought in to keep her from getting stepped on she would have been one more dead kitten caused by the idiots next door and there never-ending supply of unaltered cats.

Kitten lived a life where she never knew fear , hunger , thirst, too hot or too cold. She had toys love and was the joy of our lives. My little heartbeat.

We crawled up the food chain again. Even took in another kitten. Mook. During this time both of us suffered health issues. Never did they go without. I really wish we'd had endless funds to try and save her. My husband pointed out but for us she would have never been Kitten. Both of us wanted her to live forever. Everyday humans, old and young die and so do pets. The unexpected happens and sometimes money isn't the real object. The thousands we paid were not wasted. It gave us that one extra week. If we'd done a more through diagnostic a week earlier we would have been faced with euthanizing her then. The only bad day she really had was Saturday when it all went south. That was the only bad day in her life. She wasn't a ball of energy but she was still living life. I will always remember her sitting by her favorite birding window patting the glass. Her last sunbath in the morning sun coming through the window. Her soft purr as I held her over my shoulder. Her staring at me in horror as a rummaged through the litter box to obtain her fresh poo. Friday she played in some wrapping paper for a few. And by Saturday night she was becoming a miserable mess. I let myself get way off track. We did the humane , responsible loving thing by letting her go. Who knows if we had opted to try some type of surgery she might have lived. The vets face didn't indicate that was very likely neither did her words. She came in to have ' the talk' with us. Money can save a cats life. It can also be used to prolong the suffering with little if any chance of success.

All of us that own pets will be faced with reality. Not our ideal or best laid plans. Chit happens.

kittens mom · Dec 3, 2015

The pitfalls of overthinking. Stop and breathe. Understand that after a loss and euthanasia we often come back to ourselves and find ourselves full of guilt and shame. I didn't do enough. Yesterday the house was bad. It was like a huge hollow cavern. How could one cat fill up so much space. It's like you could hear an echo in here. I reduced the number of toys laying all over to a selection of Mook's personal favorites. I put away the quilt Kitten was using as her sickbed. Honest is it more painful to remove what hurts to look at or leave it alone ? I think they're about equal in the amount of tissues used to either store or leave. To say that Saturday and Sunday are a haze of mass confusion is an understatement. So I have to go back to myself and my husband and our personal beliefs. Kitten was handed a very poor prognosis the week before. While getting food, water and medication seemed to give her a boost it was not enough to undo or reverse what was happening inside her body. And this wasn't about money. What we tried to do was work with the vets and use our funds in the best possible way to giver her a chance to live. When it became obvious that the odds were so far tipped out of her favor we jointly made the decision to let her go. And of course after our emotions we kept so carefully in check during the crisis explode while dealing with the loss we feel unbearable. Don't we all wonder what we did wrong ? And we did nothing wrong. When she got sick we took her to the vet and done our best to let her live. When we couldn't we took the pain away. And now we are left dealing with our own often unbearable hurt.

Spring is around the corner in the grand scheme of the things. And once again there will be kittens coming out of the walls in every rescue. One will come home with us and like Mook followed Kitten the new one will follow Mook. I never realized how many of Kittens mannerisms Mook mirrors. And yet she is very much her own self.

And that is one of the things that make our pets so dear. They meld into our homes and become part of everything. They also mimic us to some extent.

Right now Mook seems mostly unaffected by being the only cat.

kittens mom · Dec 3, 2015

It's so odd. I cannot feel her anywhere. No part of me expects to look up and see her hanging off of something. Curled on sofa. Laying claim to my computer chair. It's not that I don't miss her. I just know I won't find her. She's on the shelf in a box and I can't live in denial. My house is pitiful empty and hollow. I put in an application for a kitten this afternoon. We are not trying to forget her or replace her. There is simply nothing we can do to change what is. If we wait a week or wait a year it will not bring her back. This is now 100% certain. It was a case of the right little kitten. Yes a little dilute long hair tortie. Because like bay horses, They please my eye. If we decide not to we can always sponsor or donate to the rescue.

I play with Mook as much as possible. But it is beyond obvious she needs cat interaction. And I have the time to devote to getting a baby trained and keep it supervised. You know. It's going to be bittersweet no matter how soon or how long we wait.

margd · Dec 3, 2015

How well I know that hollow and empty feeling after a beloved cat leaves us behind. My heart goes out to you in your grief.

The kitten sounds lovely. When will you know if your application is accepted. Fingers crossed for you.[emoji]128149[/emoji]

kittens mom · Dec 3, 2015

Margd said:
How well I know that hollow and empty feeling after a beloved cat leaves us behind. My heart goes out to you in your grief.

The kitten sounds lovely. When will you know if your application is accepted. Fingers crossed for you.[emoji]128149[/emoji]

Sadly I know that to understand this you have to have lived it. They are never really pets or even truly domestic. They come in and enhance our home and our lives. The cats in this rescue are all fostered so they do not spend time institutionalized. At this point I am neither anxious or over excited. It will work out or it won't

kittens mom · Dec 3, 2015

Today was a roller coaster. Kitten was my first thought this morning. Followed by Mook deciding to nest on my full bladder. If you have a cat you've had it happen. Their timing is impeccable. At least she didn't fee the need to make biscuits. Spending time outdoors is good. warm in the sun. The nice trashman let me load a ton of yard bags , I doubt they'll show on my bill. We have a roadrunner living in the old front corral. I perused the cat adoption sites with one hand on the mouse and a constant hand roving up to touch Kitten's box. I am so full of grief and yet there is all that love given daily to Kitten bottled up. Mook tolerates the hugging. I put in an application for a kitten and right away I hated myself. And the phone rang and I got excited but it was the State Veterinary Board wanting a deposition. Sucker punched. But it felt good to tell that story. And I made no hesitation in saying I believed there was a connection between her OD and her ultimate death. I may not be able to prove it but now it's on record. And then the rescue emailed and I have had to correct my response three times. I finally sent off a rather long email explaining this situation. It's hard not to sound nuts at times like this. I moved her box to a windowed shelf , not because I don't want to see it but because I need to have a piece of glass put over the footprints once the clay has fully cured. It probably is but I want to make sure. Not like we can make a new set of paw prints.

Paw prints. what a silly meaning it has to me. She was always in the sink. And across the counters you could see the little trail of wet feet. I used to call her Sister Wet Foot. I had a text chat with my best friend in the world. It's easier because you aren't blubbering. She gets all this. Via her profession she also feels there is a high likely hood this could be connected to the overdose.

di and bob · Dec 4, 2015

I have a perfect paw print from my Chrissy in the cement in front of my shed door. My husband was so mad at the time, and smoothed out all but this one. Now it is priceless and words will never describe what I feel when i look at it now, almost three years later. I take care of all the strays that are tossed like litter around my home, but there will never be another that will touch my very soul like my little girl did, like Kitten touches yours. My heart aches for all of us.

kittens mom · Dec 4, 2015

Sleep is restless. You would think I'd be in a coma by now but instead my mind just doesn't rest. Somehow it's easier in the day when I'm up and doing things. I am so freaking sad. I see the wear on my husbands face.

I hand raised her

We kept her in the house

We got her spayed and regular exams

When she got sick we took her to the vet

And the vet blinded her

And more likely than not set the wheels in motion that led to her ultimate death.

You just feel totally helpless

kittens mom · Dec 4, 2015

And then there was Mercy. Returned to the shelter at 3-4 months because she was aggressive and bit and scratched. A little fluffy tortie kitten.

It was just right. Our eyes locked and I would have ripped the cage open and ran with her if needed.

Nothing nothing will ever fill those big fluffy paws Kitten left. Too soon . I have no idea. I know how empty and sad my house feels. I know my husband aches. Mook needs a companion. She's in the extra large giant crate in the living room. And she just trilled.

margd · Dec 4, 2015

Kittens Mom said:
Sleep is restless. You would think I'd be in a coma by now but instead my mind just doesn't rest. Somehow it's easier in the day when I'm up and doing things. I am so freaking sad. I see the wear on my husbands face.
I hand raised her
We kept her in the house
We got her spayed and regular exams
When she got sick we took her to the vet
And the vet blinded her
And more likely than not set the wheels in motion that led to her ultimate death.
You just feel totally helpless

I hope you will feel less helpless as things start moving on your legal actions. What happened to Kitten was so awful. These days are so difficult but there are a lot of people here holding you in their hearts.

After my dear Milo and Wesley passed, I spent a lot of time looking at their photos and reading things I'd written about them when they were still with me. For just that brief time, I would feel reconnected to them. It didn't last, but it did help to get brief respites from how much pain and emptiness I felt.

kittens mom · Dec 4, 2015

Margd said:
I hope you will feel less helpless as things start moving on your legal actions. What happened to Kitten was so awful. These days are so difficult but there are a lot of people here holding you in their hearts.

After my dear Milo and Wesley passed, I spent a lot of time looking at their photos and reading things I'd written about them when they were still with me. For just that brief time, I would feel reconnected to them. It didn't last, but it did help to get brief respites from how much pain and emptiness I felt.

Nothing replaces that empty spot they leave. I still weep a decade later for my mare. When I was younger I thought every hurt was the one that would kill me. Now there is a tiny place in my brain where I accept there will be grief and hurt and pain. Nothing can replace a personality 11 years in the making. To try only adds to the grief.

A new little fluffy tortie is in the big crate. Returned for anti social behavior. She's chirping and trilling and has a full belly. I am totally ignoring Mooks ridiculous behavior I pet the kitten and pet her. and go on my way. Her name is Mercy. It came to me on the way home. I believe animals speak their names. She is not a replacement. Been there done that kind of thing. my house was empty. She is a little light waiting to shine.

zed xyzed · Dec 4, 2015

Mercy is a very beautiful name. She is a lucky kitty to come into your household

kittens mom · Dec 4, 2015

I feel a level of betrayal. Like Kitten's story is all wrapped up neatly in a box on the shelf. I wish I could tell she lives in my heart always. No love is the same. The one I have for Kitten and my NikkiHorse are unique. I love my Mooky and I will come to love little Mercy who is now using purr to attract me.

margd · Dec 4, 2015

Congratulations to both you and Mercy! I hope introductions to Mooky go well. Mercy doesn't know it yet but she is one very lucky kitty!

It's absolutely true each love is different. And each one expands our hearts a little bit more.[emoji]128149[/emoji]

mrsgreenjeens · Dec 4, 2015

Of course Mercy is not a replacement for Kitten...she fill yet another part of your heart

. But you will never forget Kitten, how could you? I still think about my Nina, who's been gone now for over 25 years, and I still get teary eyed sometimes (she was my first dog as an adult). But I don't sob for her, I think of the wonderful times we had. This will come for you too, one day. This is how it is with Sven too, NOW. I think of him with wonderful memories and get all teary eyed.

I hope with each passage you write about Kitten, your pain begins to ebb. I know it's a slow process, as you know it too, but it does happen.

For my Kitten

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

Thread starter

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

Thread starter

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

Thread starter

Chula and Paul's roommate

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

Thread starter

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

Thread starter

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

Thread starter

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

Thread starter

Chula and Paul's roommate

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

Thread starter

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

Thread starter

TCS Member

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

Thread starter

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

Thread starter

Chula and Paul's roommate

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

Thread starter

TCS Member

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

Thread starter

Chula and Paul's roommate

Every Life Should Have Nine Cats