For my Kitten

mrsgreenjeens · Dec 1, 2015

Kittens Mom said:
So this morning I had a witnessed cremation for Kitten. If anyone has any doubts , trust issues or simply wants to follow the process through like I did they should. She was presented in a natural state and I was allowed to spend some time just petting her. I kissed the special spot on her head and stroked the now still fluffy noodle she had been so proud to flourish. I have inked paw prints. Some extra fur, and beautifully done paw prints in clay material on her box. I watched as she was put into the oven. And I was there when the removed the remains and then pulverized them to powder. She was then sealed in a baggie and secured in the box by screws. She was treated with respect and love from her first few days until now. Where that will continue in a place of honor on my desk shelf. I know that what is in there is not her essence. But as I stroked her cold little still body my hands knew so well I am so thankful I gave myself peace of mind of knowing she was treated well always. I took one final picture of her before she was put in the oven. I don't know if it was morbid or just to keep one last image of her. She looked at peace. The scared, tired pinched in look gone. For me it was a good thing. It would have killed my husband to see.

There was nothing to be scared or repulsed about. It was the same little body I'd held every day. I have not one regret doing it this way.

I"m so glad this seems to have brought you some peace

(and I know just what you mean about how your husband could not have withstood it. Mine is exactly the same. When we lost Miss Point, he was a basket case for 6 months. Now Callie has kidney disease, and don't know how he'll handle her eventual demise, as he's even closer to her.

As far as some of your earlier posts here in The Bridge, when we lost our Sven, my soul cat, I swear he came back and visited me. I don't know what I believe...I WANT to believe he's playing happily somewhere with butterflies and birdies, etc., but I'm kind of a realist and think I know better. But whatever, one night while lying in bed I swear I felt his familiar jump up on the bed and that very distinctive meow of his. None of our other cats' jump like him or sound even remotely like him. Could it have been a dream? Sure, but was it? I guess I'll never know.

kittens mom · Dec 1, 2015

mrsgreenjeens said:
I"m so glad this seems to have brought you some peace

(and I know just what you mean about how your husband could not have withstood it. Mine is exactly the same. When we lost Miss Point, he was a basket case for 6 months. Now Callie has kidney disease, and don't know how he'll handle her eventual demise, as he's even closer to her.

As far as some of your earlier posts here in The Bridge, when we lost our Sven, my soul cat, I swear he came back and visited me. I don't know what I believe...I WANT to believe he's playing happily somewhere with butterflies and birdies, etc., but I'm kind of a realist and think I know better. But whatever, one night while lying in bed I swear I felt his familiar jump up on the bed and that very distinctive meow of his. None of our other cats' jump like him or sound even remotely like him. Could it have been a dream? Sure, but was it? I guess I'll never know.

Yes some of them are our soul mates/matches whatever. I love Mook dearly and just as much but Kitten will forever have that extra special place in my heart. Yes my husband would have come undone and personally I didn't have the fortitude to keep myself together and him. He supported me so thoroughly through her short illness plus the overtime to knock down the bills I don't think it was unreasonable for him to need to bow out of this. Each of us has had to pull this load in different ways.

It's good to talk about the impact on couples and family and children. Even our other cat. She has looked in Kittens favorite haunts with a puzzled look a few times. My husband lived in fear after I lost my mare. My Heart Horse. I think he was pretty sure I was going to suicide myself. We have openly talked about that this past few days and how to handle our grief in a respectful way that does not damage our marriage again. I guess it's always important to remember no matter how bad you are hurting your partner may be in just as much or more pain over the loss.

We're going to go out to eat now. Neither of us has eaten more than scraps for the last 3 days.

Mamanyt1953 · Dec 1, 2015

I wish for you peace. I, and many others here, do believe that we, and our pets, continue on. Perhaps our belief can somehow...help. I don't know how, but I fervently hope it. Keeping you in my thoughts.

kittens mom · Dec 1, 2015

Mamanyt1953 said:
I wish for you peace. I, and many others here, do believe that we, and our pets, continue on. Perhaps our belief can somehow...help. I don't know how, but I fervently hope it. Keeping you in my thoughts.

It's not that I don't believe that some part of them goes on. I just don't think it has anything to do with any type of deity.

nurseangel · Dec 1, 2015

I am very sorry for your loss, and for your DH's loss, as well. Please pass along my condolences to him. I am glad to hear that you are both going to get something to eat, because you really need it, even though I know how hard it is to try to get back to normal life after something so heartbreaking happens. Peace and comfort to you.

kittens mom · Dec 2, 2015

And the bottom dropped out. I've run out of busy work and the reality bites me in the face this morning. She's really gone.

zed xyzed · Dec 2, 2015

Sadly we can only delay the anguish of losing them for so long. My thoughts are with you

kittens mom · Dec 2, 2015

Zed Xyzed said:
Sadly we can only delay the anguish of losing them for so long.

I threw the used feeding syringes out this morning. There is no connection to her through those and they were a bitter reminder of her last days. I never realized how much of our morning routine revolved around taking care of Kitten and Mook. The interaction between us and the interaction between the two cats themselves.

There is a little stainless saucepan that sits on the back of the stove. Every day I would put some water in with their tins of food and warm it gently. Let it sit and then give them breakfast. Kitten would sit on the table waiting patiently. Mook my ADD child would wander off to do something. That of course gave Kitten the upper hand in selecting which bowl she wanted. Kitten always inspect hubs after his morning bath. Lick lick lick bite. Wrapping those little fluffy paws around his arm. You can't escape me ! There would be the morning I need a sip of cream. ( she got lactaid ) as I made my morning tea. Sitting on the kitchen bar behind the counter with greedy little eyes. The constant source of little noises . She often sounded like the little flying car from the Jetson's as she scampered up to something that excited her. Those late night I just went to bed sing songs with the toy she had hunted and procured for us. Her woe is me when I was taking a bath and she'd failed to notice where I'd went. Her fling a ma string that should would sit under and get endlessly mad as it bopped her on the head. The long elastic hanging in a doorway with feather that she would grab and try and walk out of the bathroom with. Only to run out of line and have it flip back and then go flying after it.

Her favorite pebble that she would stuff under the rug , hunt out and then stuff back under over and over looking less like a cat and more like a little stuffed animal being tossed around. There is nothing in this house that Kitten did not sit in, on or under. We have to adjust to our new normal before we can add a new one.

As we all know. It just really sucks.

zed xyzed · Dec 2, 2015

Kittens Mom said:
I threw the used feeding syringes out this morning. There is no connection to her through those and they were a bitter reminder of her last days. I never realized how much of our morning routine revolved around taking care of Kitten and Mook. The interaction between us and the interaction between the two cats themselves.

There is a little stainless saucepan that sits on the back of the stove. Every day I would put some water in with their tins of food and warm it gently. Let it sit and then give them breakfast. Kitten would sit on the table waiting patiently. Mook my ADD child would wander off to do something. That of course gave Kitten the upper hand in selecting which bowl she wanted. Kitten always inspect hubs after his morning bath. Lick lick lick bite. Wrapping those little fluffy paws around his arm. You can't escape me ! There would be the morning I need a sip of cream. ( she got lactaid ) as I made my morning tea. Sitting on the kitchen bar behind the counter with greedy little eyes. The constant source of little noises . She often sounded like the little flying car from the Jetson's as she scampered up to something that excited her. Those late night I just went to bed sing songs with the toy she had hunted and procured for us. Her woe is me when I was taking a bath and she'd failed to notice where I'd went. Her fling a ma string that should would sit under and get endlessly mad as it bopped her on the head. The long elastic hanging in a doorway with feather that she would grab and try and walk out of the bathroom with. Only to run out of line and have it flip back and then go flying after it.

Her favorite pebble that she would stuff under the rug , hunt out and then stuff back under over and over looking less like a cat and more like a little stuffed animal being tossed around. There is nothing in this house that Kitten did not sit in, on or under. We have to adjust to our new normal before we can add a new one.

As we all know. It just really sucks.

I can empathize, those little daily routines that we rarely think of when we have them, become daggers of pain when our beautiful friends are not there.

kittens mom · Dec 2, 2015

Zed Xyzed said:
I can empathize, those little daily routines that we rarely think of when we have them, become daggers of pain when our beautiful friends are not there.

I put us on a mailing list today for a tortie kitten through the adopt a pet site. Let the universe do what it will. I find two overwhelming needs. The empty spot in my hear that will never be filled again and my own innate need to be surrounded by animals to care for. And last and not to be ignored is BabyMook who is now alone as far as another cat. My husbands only request is it not be a special needs as far as disease or behavior issues due to abuse. It sounds awful but I get where he's coming from.

I seen a cloth tote at the store today. It said stuff. We always asked kitten what she was up to and the thought bubble Stuff! would pop up over her head. I will miss her forever and ever just like I do my NikkiHorse. Humans keep pets for a reason. In some ways not filling the empty she left is only going to intensify the hurt inside.

Again it just sucks.

Mamanyt1953 · Dec 2, 2015

It does. It surely does.

One of the reasons I quit keeping ratties is that they only live 2-4 years, although Yoda, my grand old man, lived to be almost 7. They have amazing intelligence, and personalities to rival cats. But, oh, the goodbyes, knowing when you gave that love that it was only for a short, short time!

And it does, it surely does.

kittens mom · Dec 2, 2015

Nice day out. cold but sunny. I took a walk through my favorite mare's old corral out front. It took years but I find peace there now. After she passed I avoided even going outside for a few weeks. LIke Kitten her presence was everywhere. You always feel that by taking one step forward you are somehow losing something that was and are desperate to hold onto. As I can feel Kitten's little body relaxed across my shoulder , her shape , her feel I can still close my eyes and feel exactly where my arms went when they were around Nikki's neck breathing in the warm horse smell under her mane.

A cat that lived under your feet day and night for 11.5 years is like losing an arm or a leg. Phantom pains. You know it's not there but you still feel it. I put her favorite blanky on my puter chair last night. She considered it her chair and loved to sleep there. I will allow my self that nonsense. It hurts no one. When I touch her urn I say her name in the sing song voice that made her tail vibrate. I'll be crazy if I want to. I will indulge my bouts of insanity with positive forward behavior. I will strive to move forward in the coming weeks to prepare for a new life coming here to offer her gifts. And allow myself time to wallow in the grief when it becomes unbearable.

I would have emptied every penny in every account to save Her. I am thankful for the wisdom to know when to stop. It is an unfair burden that the pets we love so much we must also all to often agree to kill to end their suffering. It is an unnatural burden. Contrary to every instinct we have.

kittens mom · Dec 2, 2015

Mamanyt1953 said:
It does. It surely does.

One of the reasons I quit keeping ratties is that they only live 2-4 years, although Yoda, my grand old man, lived to be almost 7. They have amazing intelligence, and personalities to rival cats. But, oh, the goodbyes, knowing when you gave that love that it was only for a short, short time!

And it does, it surely does.

I kept rats for many years. Such under appreciated pets they are.

Mamanyt1953 · Dec 2, 2015

Kittens Mom said:
I kept rats for many years. Such under appreciated pets they are.

I still get weepy over Yoda. He, like all the ratties, was leash trained, and loved to walk around the condo complex in the evenings (all the neighbors edged away from us on the sidewalks, but I never cared). And he was the one who would, when I said, "I tawt I taw a puddy tat!" run up my body and climb under my hair, then peek out. He loved to sit in my lap and watch tv, both little ratpaws clutching the remote. 6 years and 8 months with him was not enough.

It's never enough time. Never. As my gran said, concerning losing those we love (and this applies to the four-legged loves as well), "Honey-girl, you don't really get over it, You just get through it. The memories become less bitter and more sweet, but the ache is with you always."

kittens mom · Dec 2, 2015

Mamanyt1953 said:
I still get weepy over Yoda. He, like all the ratties, was leash trained, and loved to walk around the condo complex in the evenings (all the neighbors edged away from us on the sidewalks, but I never cared). And he was the one who would, when I said, "I tawt I taw a puddy tat!" run up my body and climb under my hair, then peek out. He loved to sit in my lap and watch tv, both little ratpaws clutching the remote. 6 years and 8 months with him was not enough.

It's never enough time. Never. As my gran said, concerning losing those we love (and this applies to the four-legged loves as well), "Honey-girl, you don't really get over it, You just get through it. The memories become less bitter and more sweet, but the ache is with you always."

Horse rescue left me pretty stoic when it comes to losing an animal. It's the ones that creep past the barrier and dig into your heart.

margd · Dec 2, 2015

Kittens Mom said:
Nice day out. cold but sunny. I took a walk through my favorite mare's old corral out front. It took years but I find peace there now. After she passed I avoided even going outside for a few weeks. LIke Kitten her presence was everywhere. You always feel that by taking one step forward you are somehow losing something that was and are desperate to hold onto. As I can feel Kitten's little body relaxed across my shoulder , her shape , her feel I can still close my eyes and feel exactly where my arms went when they were around Nikki's neck breathing in the warm horse smell under her mane.
A cat that lived under your feet day and night for 11.5 years is like losing an arm or a leg. Phantom pains. You know it's not there but you still feel it. I put her favorite blanky on my puter chair last night. She considered it her chair and loved to sleep there. I will allow my self that nonsense. It hurts no one. When I touch her urn I say her name in the sing song voice that made her tail vibrate. I'll be crazy if I want to. I will indulge my bouts of insanity with positive forward behavior. I will strive to move forward in the coming weeks to prepare for a new life coming here to offer her gifts. And allow myself time to wallow in the grief when it becomes unbearable.
I would have emptied every penny in every account to save Her. I am thankful for the wisdom to know when to stop. It is an unfair burden that the pets we love so much we must also all to often agree to kill to end their suffering. It is an unnatural burden. Contrary to every instinct we have.

You write so beautifully about Kitten - so many of us now are getting to know her special ways. I have found myself in tears several times in your threads as I read of your loss. I saw your post about considering another cat. I did this when my Milo died and my grief was actually scary, it felt so huge and endless. And it did help, very much. Like you I had another cat who needed company and it helped him as well. Whatever you do, I'm sure it will be the right thing for you. Hugs.

donutte · Dec 2, 2015

Kittens Mom said:
our new normal

That's exactly how I've been referring to this period - "the new normal". And like someone else said, the "new normal" sucks.

kittens mom · Dec 2, 2015

Donutte said:
That's exactly how I've been referring to this period - "the new normal". And like someone else said, the "new normal" sucks.

My husband goes back on shift tomorrow and I will be alone with Mook and heartache. I cleaned today. We had done little around the house the last week that wasn't absolutely necessary. Wanting to give Kitten all the peace and quiet we could. I know that we mentally adjust. Accept, deny and then run through it all a few times in the process. Her floral girly collar for the E tube will arrive in the next day. What am I supposed to do with that ? I need to call the VCA and make sure her January appointments are canceled. I don't want a reminder in my inbox. Loose ends lying about to pull off the raw scabs forming on this hurt. I put her special toys away. I have a box of things that were hers. I tossed the crate that came home empty in the shed. It will never come back in my home. It feels like a casket to me. I guess all we can really hope for is our tomorrows will be a bit more normal and bearable and a bit less sucky.

I am glad I went to the place where she was cremated and held her little dead body. So cold. I am glad I got those few moments. I seen the reality of her being put in the oven, doors shut and turned on. I seen her remains when they opened the door and watched as they were prepared , bagged and put in the urn. She rode home on the floor boards wrapped in her little hooty owl blanket. I found a special place for now on my desk shelf. I can touch her little box any time. I can see the little fuzzy in the clay prints between her jelly bean toes I used to shamelessly kiss. 11 years of memories reduced to less than a half cup of ash.

She was playing some in brown paper wrapping from a package Friday. Saturday she was back at the ER having her tube put back in. Saturday Night after a bit of food and her water she was laying in the bedroom and when I checked on her I heard her make a slight groaning sound. And she crashed. And because she was content by my husband I left it be for the night and made my peace with her before going. I knew. I hoped but I knew. And I'm glad I waited till morning. We left home in a relaxed as possible manner. We talked to her in the car. Loved on her. The vet and the techs were beyond wonderful to us. It was horrible awful surreal but without the feeling rushed and pushed.

I promised her I would always take care of her and that she would always be with me.

misty8723 · Dec 2, 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wasn't reading your earlier threads so I don't know the circumstances, but I do know how much you're hurting. When our Cindy passed, we had a private cremation for her and it does bring you some sense of peace. It was pretty much the same as you mentioned, we got to see her and spend a little time with her. Then we went to the back. They put a little piece of her blanket in with her, and then told us we probably didn't want to look when they put her in the oven - and we didn't, just held on to each other. It's been over a year and I still miss and cry for her. Little Darcy too who we adopted after to be a friend to our other cat, Swanie and to us, and had her only a couple months before losing her. I wish we had done the private ceremony for her too, but it was a money issue at the time. I hope you are able to find another baby to love and be companion to your other cat. Right now our little Tortie Cricket is sitting next to me meowing for something or other, so life does go on. She can't replace Cindy or Darcy in my heart, but there is enough room for her to occupy as well.

I wish peace for you. It's not always so easy to find.

donutte · Dec 2, 2015

Kittens Mom said:
My husband goes back on shift tomorrow and I will be alone with Mook and heartache. I cleaned today. We had done little around the house the last week that wasn't absolutely necessary. Wanting to give Kitten all the peace and quiet we could. I know that we mentally adjust. Accept, deny and then run through it all a few times in the process. Her floral girly collar for the E tube will arrive in the next day. What am I supposed to do with that ? I need to call the VCA and make sure her January appointments are canceled. I don't want a reminder in my inbox. Loose ends lying about to pull off the raw scabs forming on this hurt. I put her special toys away. I have a box of things that were hers. I tossed the crate that came home empty in the shed. It will never come back in my home. It feels like a casket to me. I guess all we can really hope for is our tomorrows will be a bit more normal and bearable and a bit less sucky.

I am glad I went to the place where she was cremated and held her little dead body. So cold. I am glad I got those few moments. I seen the reality of her being put in the oven, doors shut and turned on. I seen her remains when they opened the door and watched as they were prepared , bagged and put in the urn. She rode home on the floor boards wrapped in her little hooty owl blanket. I found a special place for now on my desk shelf. I can touch her little box any time. I can see the little fuzzy in the clay prints between her jelly bean toes I used to shamelessly kiss. 11 years of memories reduced to less than a half cup of ash.

She was playing some in brown paper wrapping from a package Friday. Saturday she was back at the ER having her tube put back in. Saturday Night after a bit of food and her water she was laying in the bedroom and when I checked on her I heard her make a slight groaning sound. And she crashed. And because she was content by my husband I left it be for the night and made my peace with her before going. I knew. I hoped but I knew. And I'm glad I waited till morning. We left home in a relaxed as possible manner. We talked to her in the car. Loved on her. The vet and the techs were beyond wonderful to us. It was horrible awful surreal but without the feeling rushed and pushed.

I promised her I would always take care of her and that she would always be with me.

I cannot read any of your posts without crying, because it is so reminiscent of what I went through. Even the part about the collar due to arrive. An hour after I made the decision that we'd put Lucky to sleep the next day, I got an email that his Clinicare had shipped. The special syringe I'd ordered with the soft tip arrived later that day. The Clinicare and k/d arrived the week after he was gone. I still have it in my kitchen, waiting to take it to someone I met that fosters cats with kidney disease.

I think the reason you left your carrier in your shed is why we didn't put him in one that day. We wrapped him up in a towel (in case he wee'd again) and then in a blanket. It was a particularly turbulent, blustery and nasty night, his last night on earth - seemed apropos. And it was cold that morning, so made sure he was warm. Didn't even put my seat belt on - short ride when the vet's just next door. Everyone was crying - the assistant, the vet, the office people. 16 days of intense stuff and probably seeing us more than any vet's office wants to see a patient in that amount of time. My vet had to go outside without a coat in the cold rain to compose himself. But at least I can say it was peaceful.

I guess this is the price... no, the agreement we make... when we decide to love these guys during the good, the bad, the ugly, and the wonderful. Like you, I don't regret any of the decision I made along the way. We fought the good fight, but in the end, we just lost. In hindsight, I think we knew we would, but we needed to at least try, to justify it that final decision. I cried every day since his diagnosis so I know I knew. I needed something visible or tangible to tell me though.

I feel for you more than you know. Going through five issues in ten minutes is pretty significant, right?

For my Kitten

Every Life Should Have Nine Cats

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

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Rules my home with an iron paw

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

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TCS Member

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

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TCS Member

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

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TCS Member

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

Thread starter

Rules my home with an iron paw

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

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Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

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Rules my home with an iron paw

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

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Chula and Paul's roommate

Professional cat sitter extraordinaire!

Kittens life was lost to a negligent veterinarian.

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TCS Member

Professional cat sitter extraordinaire!