31 and no drivers license. 0_0

I've been wanting to get a license for years, and cant seem to get over my reservations about driving. So it thought i would ask for advice in the one place i feel most safe online, in this forum. lol

I remember when i first started thinking about getting a license, i started having nightmares of being in a crash and losing control of the car, every time i would start driving the dreams came back. I did eventually get into a small accident, no one was hurt, but i lost control of the car while in a highway, which thankfully there werent many cars. i started driving again a couple of years ago for a few months, i went to take the test and failed, this led me to giving up on driving AGAIN.

I havent driven in over 2 years. I feel so pathetic, i need to get rides everywhere, and havent been able to finish school. And im embarrassed to admit that i havent been able to get a job.

i desperately need to get a job, so i can be independent, i am living at my brothers house, and im tired of depending on other people. i know most of you will think im awful, and its okay, i dont really have much respect for myself. 

i dont know whats wrong with me, i can drive fine for awhile, but the fear and nerves never go away, i never truly like driving and i eventually find an excuse to stop. i dont know what to do, i know i need to do something now, but my heart starts racing thinking about starting again. 

its not just with driving ive had opportunities to volunteer and a friend offered me a job, i got so terrified i said no. just the thinking about it makes my heart speed up.

i truly dont know what the heck is wrong with me. but i feel so lost. there are many days i wonder why i bother getting up at all.

i do get a little money by helping my brother and SIL with their daughter for the past few years, and i watch her when she gets home at 3pm. so, its not that im afraid to work. i helped my niece a lot, when i first started taking care of her she was 2 years old, she wasnt talking yet, or potty trained. she was quiet and throwing tantrums all the time. My SIL wanted to go back to work so i offered to help. My niece is now 5 and in school, shes talking and potty trained and the teacher says shes the most enthusiastic child in school.   

but i want to get an actual job and to help my mom out, shes not getting any younger and needs help.

 i feel so worthless and embbarassed just talking about all of this, but i dont know where else to turn. 

I got my driver's license at 26.  I lived in the Chicago area so getting around wasn't that much of an issue, but my friends were encouraging me to  drive.  So I had a license, no car and didn't drive. 

At 27 I moved to Maryland, terrible transit system because everyone drove!  Found a job I could walk to and people were kind enough to offer me a ride home as my pregnancy progressed.  Still didn't drive.  My husband went out of town for a trip and I drove to the grocery store 2 or 3 miles away.  White knuckled, terrified, windy, hilly roads  and I had to back into the parking space!  OMG Never again!  I walked there and back a few times.  We only had one car so taking a cab to prenatal appts was okay.  First child born, moved into a new house - with a much closer grocery store.  Figured out how to get to the pediatrician on the bus.  Bus route changed and I was forced to drive to the pediatrician 3 miles away, again white knuckled on windy, curvy, hilly roads.

I found a preschool I could walk my son to and then walked to the grocery store for baby food.  My backpack only held so much.

When he was 2 the pediatrician recommended speech therapy, once a week.  I had to learn to drive to the Elementary school, not that far away but so terrifying.  Even worse, I had to drive home from taking my DH to work and pick him up.  Still only 4 miles but again on windy, curvy, hilly roads.  I figured out how to get home with all right turns on side roads.  But to get there I had to drive 1/4 miles on an expressway. I was always getting beeped at.  When he was 4, I was able to get him into the speech/lang.  program at Loyola University.  Again white knuckling!  Taking the long way around to get there.  When I was running late I would jump on the Expressway.  By now I was getting more comfy behind the wheel, but I only drove around my little town.

When my DD was in 1st grade I had to drive on the expressway for a GS camping trip.  So scary.  I drove on them as little as possible.  It was a joke among my friends.   When she was in 2nd grade I got a van.  We could finally afford a 2nd vehicle.  I also helped a neighbor out driving her kids to and from camp everyday.  Each week somewhere different.

Fast forward 16 years and we moved to CA.  There are no backroads or sideroads here!  Both my sons needed to learn to drive.  OMG It's scarier than driving yourself.  I also had to teach them to drive on the expressway, which I still had not mastered.  My DD who doesn't drive needed rides to school and when she decided to take summer school classes at Berkeley - 26 miles away - all on the expressway - BIG 6 lanes across!  I took Prozac, not a large dose but it was enough to get me there and back, where I would sleep until it was time to go pick her up.  I would get home and my sons were wanting to practice their driving.

If I hadn't needed to drive for my kids, I probably still would not be driving.  I still remember every 'milestone' clearly.   Even after 25 years of 'driving' I am still nervous.  But it is worth the effort.  I can go anywhere (almost) I want, when I want.  A year ago I rented my first rental car in Bozeman MT and drove around there. 

So my advice to you, first see your doctor for anti anxiety meds.  Second start small.  Take the job and white knuckle it.  It will get easier driving the same road every day.  Remember, all cars come with brakes!  No one wants to be in an accident.

I don't know what to say.....I'm sorry.

Because we live in a rural area in central Pennsylvania, we all learned to drive at a fairly young age. Dad took me up in the mountains on an old logging trail when I was 14 and I learned to drive. Never got my license til I was 18 (most kids here get them right away at 16). I'd be lost without my car, but again, that's because we're so rural. If I want to go anywhere, I have to drive, whether it's to work, to the store, doesn't matter,  I have to drive there. So I can't imagine people not driving.

When we go on vacation, I'm usually the driver. So while we live in a rural area, I've driven through Chicago, up into Canada, through the southern US, etc. Small towns, cities, we just go. I'm not afraid of driving through the city, but I'm not real crazy about it.

And people have accidents. Nobody wants to, but it happens. You deal with it and you move on. I realize that's easier said than done for some people.

Perhaps some kind of counseling or some therapy might help you? I'm not trying to be snotty, honest, I'm not. It just sounds like an issue that needs to be resolved one way or the other.

Lots of people are nervous drivers. The more you do it, the more natural it becomes. I worked with someone who didn't get her license until she was 35 and that was only because she HAD to. She lived with her father and he was the one who drove her everywhere. Well, he passed away. She took lessons and got her license. She was still nervous for awhile but she did it and you can, too. 

No one here thinks that you are awful and you shouldn't either. Everyone is different. There's nothing wrong with that. I think the suggestion of counseling is a good one. Not really because of the driving thing but because of your feelings of worthlessness. A counselor can help you work through that and help you build self confidence. Once your self confidence builds, you might feel differently about accepting a job. I know money is an issue for you right now but there are places out there where someone with low income can go to seek counseling. Do you have health insurance? Medicaid?

Getting into an accident is something we all fear but you can't let that stop you from living. I think that with the proper help, you can overcome this and when you  do, your confidence will begin to soar. There is no shame in asking for help. That's what it is there for. Stop beating yourself up about this. You don't deserve it.   

Anxiety is not a fun thing.  It isn't something you choose, nor are you pitiful, lazy, or any of the other nasty things that evil little voice whispers to you.  I know, I have one of those voices myself. 

You've gotten good advice.  Get to the doctor, explain what is going on.  If you have a really good doctor, you'll leave with not only anti-anxiety meds, but also with a referral to a decent counselor who can assist in getting to the root of the specific issue.

And there will be a certain amount of white-knuckling involved.  There are no magic pills.  There are several that help you help yourself, but you still have to do the real work.  I have faith in you.  You can do this as soon as you will do this.  Courage, my Friend. 

I am 29 and have only ever been behind the wheel once. I desperately want to get my license but I am afraid of others driving. There are so many accidents on the highway here. Too many people don't use turn signals, don't stop at stop lights, etc. I know I wouldn't do those things but too many other people do.

Mamanyt1953 said:

 
Anxiety is not a fun thing.  It isn't something you choose, nor are you pitiful, lazy, or any of the other nasty things that evil little voice whispers to you.  I know, I have one of those voices myself. 

You've gotten good advice.  Get to the doctor, explain what is going on.  If you have a really good doctor, you'll leave with not only anti-anxiety meds, but also with a referral to a decent counselor who can assist in getting to the root of the specific issue.

And there will be a certain amount of white-knuckling involved.  There are no magic pills.  There are several that help you help yourself, but you still have to do the real work.  I have faith in you.  You can do this as soon as you will do this.  Courage, my Friend. 

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So do I!  If you have the courage to ask for help, you have the courage to do this!! When all is said and done, it will be a real self esteem booster for you. You might find yourself taking on other things that you thought you couldn't do before! 

Mamanyt1953 said:

 
Anxiety is not a fun thing.  It isn't something you choose, nor are you pitiful, lazy, or any of the other nasty things that evil little voice whispers to you.  I know, I have one of those voices myself. 

You've gotten good advice.  Get to the doctor, explain what is going on.  If you have a really good doctor, you'll leave with not only anti-anxiety meds, but also with a referral to a decent counselor who can assist in getting to the root of the specific issue.

And there will be a certain amount of white-knuckling involved.  There are no magic pills.  There are several that help you help yourself, but you still have to do the real work.  I have faith in you.  You can do this as soon as you will do this.  Courage, my Friend. 

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I agree.  Anxiety is caused by many things.  It also makes it hard to overcome because it adds doubt to your convictions.  It's a sly devil.

I also play music when I drive.  I know they recommend no distractions while driving, but it calms me.

Mamanyt1953 said:

Anxiety is not a fun thing.  It isn't something you choose, nor are you pitiful, lazy, or any of the other nasty things that evil little voice whispers to you.  I know, I have one of those voices myself. 

You've gotten good advice.  Get to the doctor, explain what is going on.  If you have a really good doctor, you'll leave with not only anti-anxiety meds, but also with a referral to a decent counselor who can assist in getting to the root of the specific issue.

And there will be a certain amount of white-knuckling involved.  There are no magic pills.  There are several that help you help yourself, but you still have to do the real work.  I have faith in you.  You can do this as soon as you will do this.  Courage, my Friend. 

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Yes, I agree. A counselor would be very helpful to you.

I do understand the issue about having had an accident and confidence going out the window. It happened to me several years back. I totaled my favorite car when a woman pulled out in front of me. I injured my knees when they hit the dash board and will never forget that sound. I had to have therapy for my knees. For months I would wake up sitting in the bed. The palms of my hand were cut by my fingernails where I was gripping the steering wheel in my sleep. I do drive, but I have never enjoyed driving since that happened to me.

I hate driving and I was so glad when I finally sold my car and moved somewhere with actual public transit. I got in I think four different accidents during high school. Oh wait, five, there was that one time I flipped the car over.... And one of them was getting rammed in the passenger side by a big truck. (That's not the one that totaled the car, surprisingly.) Three were on the same street in front of my high school. Once I finally destroyed that car, I didn't drive for about two or three years and then didn't have my own car again for about five years.

But I'm a good driver now, I swear. My big problem was anxiety mixed with impatience (I wanted to get off the road as fast as possible!!), two of the accidents were from misjudging and turning when I shouldn't have (I wanted to get out of the car sooo bad) and one was from driving too fast around a curve while it was raining (the car flipping one). (The other two were from people distracting me while I was driving.)

Learning to relax will make you a better driver. Don't let other drivers bully you into driving faster or turning sooner than you're comfortable. Find routes where you can take only right turns, or only turn at stop lights if it cuts down on the possible stressful situations. Oh, and really get to know your car (or whoever's car you're driving). In a place where there's no other cars around, see how fast it can accelerate, so you know its capabilities if you need to get out of the way of another car really fast. Learn your breaking distances at different speeds, and the distances you need for smooth stops vs quick stops. Really being comfortable with your car and knowing what it can do will help with the stress immensely. There are also little round mirrors you can put in the corner of the side mirrors so that you can actually see your blind spot at all times, I really recommend trying those out (it made changing lanes soo much less terrifying for me). If you get a chance to buy a car, make sure you're comfortable with the visibility (where are the blind spots, is the trunk hiding too much when you back up, etc) before you buy it.

I went from really hating driving and being panicked and anxious while driving to mildly hating driving but being okay with it and comfortable on the road. It's totally possible! (I even had a job one summer that involved 3-4 hours a day of driving!)

You're not pathetic for not knowing how to drive. Most drivers are psychopaths, thinking they can drive a ton of metal at speeds that the human brain can't fully handle while texting or checking their makeup or groping their girlfriend (and god help you if you ever do something to slow them down by one second). I think most people are insane for being less scared of driving than flying (or the other really random unlikely things people are scared of).

Is there ANY public transit where you live? Figuring out how the bus can get you from place to place can help you with your independence. But you'd probably need to take up knitting or something, because it'd be a lot of waiting.... I'd recommend trying to bike, but in most parts of the US you'd need more balls to bike on the road then to drive a car.

A friend of my mother is just now learning to drive in her 50's, people learn late all the time. It's probably better than learning when you're a teenager and don't have a fully developed brain (and then carrying your teenager driving habits with you the rest of your life)....