Personality Change After the Death of a Friend

Hey all,

I'm new to the forum and looking for help with my cat Minx. She was part of a bonded pair but her brother Jinx, disappeared 4 months ago. The first week she looked for him with a loud, forlorn howl from a small cat that doesn't usually even meow. After that she became withdrawn and timid. Both she and her brother were feral kittens found under a house, I adopted them but I did not tame them. They simply decided I was their's and followed me around ever since. Minx was always more timid in new situations, but she was the feisty one once she settled in. A small, fluffy, torby she definitely had tortitude. Both her much larger brother and the 60 lb dog agreed that she was the boss.

A few weeks after Jinx was gone we brought a lonely cat over from my parents' house. Purrcy was a stray that had shown up starving at about 4 months old. I had been living with my parents at the time and it took me a week to coax him someplace warm and a month to get him to let me touch him. That was 3 years ago and he's now a very large and lovable boy. My dad's old cat had died of cancer shortly before Jinx disappeared and Purrcy was lonely too. Purrcy and Minx were very well acquainted and friendly so we thought it would be a good fit for both of them. Purrcy settled in well, and they both seemed happier for a few days. Then Minx became withdrawn again. Now she's timid and hides. I usually make sure she's in the room with me at night, and once I go to be she relaxes and snuggles with me. I try to make sure she gets lots of love when she wants it and not force her when she doesn't. I knew she would mourn him, but I didn't expect this change. I don't know what to do for her. We all really miss her brother, he was a really loving and beautiful cat, but I also miss my wild girl. She just seems so anxious all the time, any ideas or insight would be appreciated!

Thanks.

Poor girl. Some cats mourn for a long time, or never really get over the loss of a companion. Our Freya never really go over the loss of our oldest, Cotton and our Sybil mourned (seemed full on depressed) for a good 8 months after we lost Freya. You could try using Rescue Remedies of something like Feliway to help her settle, but if she's mourning, she'll need to finish in her own time. 

It's great that you're giving her lots of love - the more normal life remains around her, the easier it will be for her.

One thing to keep in mind: if she stays withdrawn, it might be worth a checkup at the vet, just to make sure it is grief and not an underlying medical cause.

Thank you Ms. Freya. I will try the feliway. I have also been trying to get her to play more. It takes a bit of coaxing but she will join in eventually. She seems a little better, she even sat on a stool and playfully swatted me when I'd walk by. She was also pretty ornery with Cairo (when my parents are out of town their cat stays with us) last night. I even found her cuddling with my husband this morning, which didn't happen often even before Jinx. She's always been my girl.

We think something happened between her and Purrcy. He's a very sweet boy, but he easily outweighs her 3 to 1 and he's frequently rough when he plays. We have come to the conclusion that he hurt/scared her at some point.

We've been toying with the idea of getting a kitten. Someone small that she can cuddle but won't intimidate her, and will also be a playmate for Purrcy. Unfortunately a kitten may also make the situation worse.

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your Jinx. We lost our old and ill Murphy a month ago. We have been watching her best love Manny for signs of mourning and for the first ten days she fell right back into her own routine. Then she went into hiding, staying in her bed in the basement. She is allowed to roam the whole house but she chose to stay in the basement. (Her behavior had changed but her eating and bathroom habits stayed as usual) I started making twice a day visits to her bed in the basement and just petted her there. That went on for a week. Yesterday, she appeared upstairs going over to lay in her basket in the sunny window. I think that she might have been waiting for Murphy to come back and then when she finally didn't, she began to mourn. [emoji]10084[/emoji]️

Mannysmom I'm so sorry about your kitty. I come from a long line of animal lovers and have always had at least 2-3 cats at one time since the day I was born. It never gets easier when we lose them. Sometimes I think it gets harder, but that never stops me from adopting again when it's time.

Cairo's current visit has been enlightening. Minx keeps trying to get him to play, so I really think the problem may be fear of Purrcy as opposed to grief. Purrcy is a little slow when it comes to cat communication; we don't think he spent enough time with his littermates. He gets along best with dogs actually. Cairo gets along fine with Purrcy and he's the wimpiest cat I've ever seen lol. His response to anything playful is to howl as he runs away!

I'm wary of interfering much for fear of making the relationship worse, but I know a few things to try so hopefully Minx and Purrcy will be friends again one day.