My 11 year old cat died yesterday

daniellec000

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I can't stop crying. After 3 months of chemotherapy my cat Felix has died. I first noticed something was wrong when her breathing seemed laboured and she seemed lethargic and kept lying down in a corner away from me and my boyfriend which was very unusual for her since she has always been a very affectionate attention loving cat. I took her to the vet the next day and was told there was fluid build-up in her lungs and the vet told me it looked like lymphoma. The vet said Felix probably had lymphoma for 3 months and that the cancer had spread all over and that she might have a few weeks left to live. I decided to get her chemotherapy and she responded very well to it at first. I skipped one chemo session thinking it would be ok because she was doing so well. Chemo was incredibly expensive...like 350$ a week. I have an incredible amount of guilt because after I skipped that one session she went from being her old self again to refusing to eat and slowly growing weaker. I started feeding her with a syringe so she wouldn't die from starvation. I used a home hydration pack to get fluids in her so she wouldn't dehydrate. She threw up a lot and I spent a lot of time just holing and cuddling her. Force feeding her with the syringe was incredibly difficult and my boyfriend did most of it. I feel terrible because the last night I saw her alive I fed her with the syringe which she hated and then pet her a little and closed my bedroom door and went to bed totally expecting her to be alive when I woke up. When I woke up the next day I found her in the bathroom behind the door dead with some of the food I gave her the night before leaking out. I was hysterical. I feel incredibly guilty that the last interaction I had with her was feeding her with the syringe. I closed my bedroom door too...what if she wanted to be with me during her final moments...I feel she died alone on the bathroom floor and I will never forgive myself. I can't get the image or her lying there out of my head. I hope she knew I loved her dearly and knows I will miss her and that by feeding her with the syringe I wad just trying to help her not torture her. I loved her so much and I miss her. I wish I could have properly said goodbye.
 

smudge69

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Ohh !! I'm sorry for your loss !! Don't beat yourself up !! Natural instinct makes them want to go and hide when dying !! So don't feel bad about leaving her !! She knows you loved her , and you did ALL YOU COULD to help her !!
My heart is with you !!
 

yaesu

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daniellec000, I'm crying along with you right now, knowing how it was to loose a beloved pet (family member for many owners). You did more than many pet owners would do, and spend on their cat. Don't blame yourself please. I can tell you loved your cat unconditionally, which makes it even harder to take. Felix is in my thoughts as well as you.
 
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daniellec000

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Thank you so much yaesu...I really expected her to get better.
 

walkingrock

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I'm so sorry for your loss, it is painful to lose our furbabies. It is normal to mentally ruminate over what happened and think we could have done better. Don't beat yourself up. You loved Felix, and he knew that; you did your best. 
 

jmarkitell

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I think many cat owners have to face the day that their best friends cross over the bridge, despite doing everything that could possibly be done. You loved Felix as much as was possible and I'm sure that, like many owners, would trade their health and lives for their cat's if it was possible. I know it is small comfort that you did your best, but saying goodbye is sometimes so difficult that you can't stand the thought of being without your best friend. Cats often go off alone when they are ready to pass...I remember finding my favorite cat, Cleo, downstairs under a fake Christmas tree before she passed away. I couldn't understand why she wanted to be there, but I guess that some cats simply want to go somewhere that they won't be disturbed. It broke my heart to think she didn't want to be with me at the end, but I understood that that was the way she wanted it and I didn't want to disturb her.

   Keep your head up, you gave Felix a wonderful life and someday you will be rejoined with him.
 

zed xyzed

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My heart bleeds for you, I have felt that awful guilt too. Please know that cats are very intuned to us and our feelings, she knew 100% that you loved her. I am so sorry for your loss
 
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daniellec000

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Thanks to everyone who responded to my post...its difficult now but reading other posts on this forum and talking to others about this loss has really helped a lot.
 

jcat

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I'm very sorry you lost Felix. No matter what the circumstances, feelings of guilt are just about always there, because we couldn't prevent their deaths no matter how hard we tried.
RIP, Felix. :rbheart:
 

kittycort

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This breaks my heart. Ive had that guilt to. I went through a very similiar situation and was so upset with myself. But...as someone else said, your kitty KNEW how much you loved her. They understand love and compassion in ways we cant even fathom. And you took good care of her. Now she doesnt have to be sick or go through treatments. She simply got to go to sleep and dream of all your good days together. No pain, no sickness, just comfort.

Take care.
 

spange

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My cat Leo died of lymphoma in January. I left him in the vets for an ultrasound and was told I could pick him up after 4pm but the vet rang me & told me there was nothing they could do. His lungs were full of fluid and the vet said if if was his cat he wouldn't let him suffer any longer. I felt massively guilty over it because I felt I should have known he was so ill, although he didn't really show any symptoms until the last few days. Like you, my last interaction with him was negative - bundling him into a plastic carrier as he struggled to get away from me and it really played on my mind but over time I've started to remember more of the positives and all the good times I had with him. I barely think of his last few days now but still miss him every day. I made a lovely hardback book of his photos using an app - this came in the post on Saturday and it's lovely to have. Don't feel guilty about the chemo - the same thing may have happened even if that session had been administered. Finding your cat like that is really traumatic so it's bound to play on your mind because it's so shocking but it will wear off and you'll be left with wonderful memories of happier times and the knowledge that you really did do all you could x
 

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Hi Danielle, I am so sorry for your loss.  I know how terrible it is to feel guilt and regrets after loved ones (pets and people) have passed--I think they are often unavoidable and thankfully they ease in time.  But I do think Felix knew you were trying to help her.  I have cats and horses, and have had to treat them for illnesses and injuries, and I get the sense that even if it's something unpleasant, they seem to know that you're doing it to help them, not torture them, or that bond of trust would be broken.  And it never was.  

I'm convinced especially by the horses, because I've had to do some things they really didn't like, like put medicine in their eyes, clean wounds, etc, and there's all kinds of reactions they could have -- bite me, kick me, rear up, run off, etc -- and they don't.  They just seem to know, and I asked my vet about that and she agreed.  I even had to put an ointment in one of my cat's eyes lately, and she didn't like it, but she settled into it and let me do it, because it seemed like she knew that I was doing it to help it get better.

So I really believe Felix knew that it was an act of love, which it truly was, and really, your very final time with her was petting her.

I also agree with what another poster said, that when they are getting close to passing, the often go off and hide, so I really think it's unlikely that if the bedroom door was open, she would have gone up on the bed with you anyway.  You likely would have found her right where you found her regardless.  It's not personal, it's just a cat thing.  I found one of my kitties dying in the bathroom closet, of all places.  I had come home from work, talked to my neighbor in the yard for about 45 minutes, and then finally went in the house.  Then I noticed she was not on my bed (her usual spot) and went looking around the house in her other spots and calling for her -- no kitty -- then started looking more frantically in obscure places, and I found her sprawled out with swollen limbs on the floor of the bathroom closet, which was an unusual place for her.  And to think she likely laid there like that the whole time I was out yacking with my neighbor about nothing important -- talk about guilt!  And I was tortured on whether to rush her to the vet, but she was 17-years-old and had heart problems, and I just knew they had caught up with her, and it was too late and she would likely die in the car on the way, terrified of the ride.  Turns out it was the right call--she passed in my arms a short time later.  However, had this happened later at night while I was sleeping, I would also have found her in the bathroom in the morning as you did.  Still, I know what it's like to have the images burned in your head -- I will never forgot her passing -- it wasn't horrendous, per se, but she didn't just "go to sleep".

I was heartbroken and guilt-ridden with her loss, but in time, it got better.  And it will for you as well in time.  Felix knew she was loved, and she passed right where she decided to.

{{{ hugs }}}
 

ruthm

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I'm late seeing this post but I just have to say how sorry I am for the loss of your sweet Felix.  We've all been in that horrible place where we try to help our sick kitties but it seems more like hurting them.  Cancer is horrible, I know because I lost my beautiful precious Tiger to pancreatic cancer in July :-(  Please try not to be so hard on yourself, we love our kitties and would do anything to help them feel better.  And that is all we can do, is our very best, with the information we have at the time. I also believe that Felix knew how much you loved him, and that love will live in your heart forever.

Fly Free sweet Felix and land softly- you were so loved
 

Loving Mickey

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I am truly sorry for the loss of your precious kitty, Felix. I can totally understand how you are feeling. The pain can be unbearable at times when our loved kitties must leave us. It can tear our hearts in two. Cancer is just terrible. I lost my beloved kitty, Mickey over a year ago to cancer and I was truly devastated. I still am!
You did all you could for your Felix. You loved him completely and he loved you in return. I am sure he knew that you only wanted to help him when you needed to do things that he may not have liked. You wanted to help him and he knew that. You gave him a safe loving home and all your love and care. That is really what every kitty wants. Sadly, not every kitty gets that.
Felix got all that and more.
Please don't torture yourself.
He loved you so much and he felt your love for him every single day he was with you.
He can still feel your love!
RIP Sweet Felix!
You were so loved and will be missed always!
 

macha 143

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I am sorry for your loss, it's heart breaking indeed losing our beloved babies.

Felix knows how much you loved  him, please take care...

Rest in peace Felix...

(((Hugs)))
 

di and bob

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You have to know that you would have NEVER done anything to intentionally bring your little one pain or sorrow, you did what you could, and what you thought was right at the time. It was Felix's time to go, it was inevitable and there was no cure or truly anything you could have done different, and Felix knew that. He knows you loved him, and I'm sure you would not want him  distressed knowing you are blaming yourself for how he died, he would never want you to be so sad, but to try to remember the happier times. His place in your heart should be full of love and happiness, not tears and darkness. The bond you formed with him is something that can never be taken from you, even with death. For eleven years he felt your love and your caring, it was with him too at the end, comforting him and allowing him to die at home where he wanted to, with the ones he loved the most in this world nearby. My heart breaks for what you are going through, please try to share your pain with people who understand, pain shared is pain halved. Thank you for letting us know of this brave little boy, I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers, please take care........RIP sweet Felix, you will never be forgotten, and will be forever held in a loving heart!
 

Mamanyt1953

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Oh, my dear, I am so very sorry for your loss. 

These are the deepest truths I know...First, you must forgive yourself.  You acted out of love and caring.  You did the absolute best you knew to do for your girl.  Second, Felix is fine.  Where she is, there is no cancer, no pain, and where she is, she knows how hard you fought for her.  And where she is, she knows that you love her, and she loves you.  Where she is, time does not exist, so she will only have a moment to miss you before you are reunited. 

This is cold comfort when what we long for is the sweet, boneless warmth of them in our laps, but that, too, shall come again.

Prayers for your anguish to be healed.
 
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