Ask The Christmas Guru - Official Thread!

[Mamanyt1953]

Dear Christmas Guru,

I am at a loss as to what to get Ms. Hekitty for Christmas.  She doesn't like catnip (although valerian will get her going), she has more toys than any one cat should have, never mind all of my things that she has appropriated. My house looks like a toddler lives here.  She has not one, but two, cat cubes.  One she sleeps IN and the other, she jumped on top of, collapsed it, and now uses it as a wingback chair.  She has six scratchers, not counting my wingback chair (the preferred scratcher), and although there isn't a cat tree, there are several high perches for her, including a bed on top of the fridge (she guards the chocolate...see previous post...but hates human food, so won't touch it).  She only likes one brand of cat treat, and that's on hand 365 a year.  She turns up her nose at "gushy fuds" and only eats dried food.  Maybe break down and get an actual cat tree?  Where do I find one of the ones that looks like a real tree?  HALP!

Katmas.jpg

• Mamanyt1953
• Nov 6, 2015

 

[christmas guru]

 

 
Dear Christmas Guru,

I am at a loss as to what to get Ms. Hekitty for Christmas.  She doesn't like catnip (although valerian will get her going), she has more toys than any one cat should have, never mind all of my things that she has appropriated. My house looks like a toddler lives here.  She has not one, but two, cat cubes.  One she sleeps IN and the other, she jumped on top of, collapsed it, and now uses it as a wingback chair.  She has six scratchers, not counting my wingback chair (the preferred scratcher), and although there isn't a cat tree, there are several high perches for her, including a bed on top of the fridge (she guards the chocolate...see previous post...but hates human food, so won't touch it).  She only likes one brand of cat treat, and that's on hand 365 a year.  She turns up her nose at "gushy fuds" and only eats dried food.  Maybe break down and get an actual cat tree?  Where do I find one of the ones that looks like a real tree?  HALP!

 
Hi Christmas Guru 

  we have had our two moggies for three years now and have never put up a Christmas tree since we got them do you think we should risk it this year ?.

 Dear Unsigned,

In order to keep your feline friends happy and to make your house look festive you really need to think about a cat tree. All cats have the right to climb, to spy on you from high places, to knock things down on your poor unsuspecting little heads and to hurl themselves down from a great height with a resounding thud.

That is why it is our duty to provide them with suitable climbing apparatus.

I advise you to find the biggest, sturdiest cat tree you can find and to decorate it to make it look like a Christmas tree. Cat trees come in some lovely shades of green these days. Rather than tinsel and fairy lights use cat friendly items to decorate with. Some cat treats in bright packages strung together, a few feathery wand toys, fluffy toy mice and shiny little bells will make you tree look better than any dolled up Christmas fir. 

Use your imaginations, your kitties will thank you for it.

Signed.

The Christmas Guru.

 

[christmas guru]

 
Dear Christmas Guru,

I am really stumped as to what I can get Artie this year. Last year I got him a huge cat tree. I do not have space for another one. 

He is 11.5 years old, on a strict diet for IBD, and is not interested in playing very much. He would prefer to pay "chase" around the apartment. 

I brush him daily. He has tons of toys, scratchers. His favorite things are his carrier (safe place), a Chewy Box, my quilt, a mouse (occasionally), and a Jackson Galaxy kicker; and following me around all morning and when I am doing something interesting. Actually, the apartment looks as if it belongs to him; with me watching that he does not eat it...

When he is in a phase and does not care for his food, he will resort to eating 'bad' things: wire tie backs, string, munching plastic, etc....

I know he would love the wrappings and box much more than a real gift. Would that be ok? I mean, I can wrap an empty box, put some tissue paper in it and let him go at it....

what do you think? 

Dear Unsigned.

I think Artie would be very happy if you grew yourself a tail for Christmas. He already loves following you around, if you had a tail that he could chase and pounce on it would make following you all the more fun. Think how much exercise you would both get, you swishing your tail for Artie to jump on, then running up and down the stairs while he tries to pounce on it. No need to worry about all those extra calories from Christmas cookies and pudding this year, you'll both be slimmer and fitter than ever by the end of the holidays.

Otherwise, an empty box full of tissue would be greatly appreciated too.

Best Wishes.

The Christmas Guru.

 

[artiemom]

 
Dear Unsigned.

I think Artie would be very happy if you grew yourself a tail for Christmas. He already loves following you around, if you had a tail that he could chase and pounce on it would make following you all the more fun. Think how much exercise you would both get, you swishing your tail for Artie to jump on, then running up and down the stairs while he tries to pounce on it. No need to worry about all those extra calories from Christmas cookies and pudding this year, you'll both be slimmer and fitter than ever by the end of the holidays.

Otherwise, an empty box full of tissue would be greatly appreciated too.

Best Wishes.

The Christmas Guru.

Thank you Christmas Guru for the suggestions.

Great idea about the tail.

If I start right now, do you think my tail would be long enough, by Christmas?

signed,

Artie's friend.

 

[handsome kitty]

 
Thank you Christmas Guru for the suggestions.

Great idea about the tail.

If I start right now, do you think my tail would be long enough, by Christmas?

signed,

Artie's friend.

You could look for one on sale at a Halloween costume shop.

 

[AbbysMom]

Hey, Hey, Hey, CG! Is it OK if I call you CG?

Abby here.

So, the big cat that feeds me has some major issues. MAJOR. She likes to dress me up like I'm a doll or something. I've heard rumblings about "needing to look for an outfit for this year's Christmas cards". Seriously? Why doesn't she slap a Santa hat on herself and take a selfie? I mean I get that I am cuter than her and everything, but still.

What is a kitty to do?

-Abby.


PS - that is a very attractive Santa hat you are wearing in your profile picture.

 

[stephenq]

Dear Christmas Guru

My blind cat Jenny wants to write to Santa to ask for oresents for her and her new sister Cricket but her blindness makes writing difficut.  Do you have any suggestions?

 

[katocats]

Thank you Christmas guru we will look into getting a cat themed tree.

 

[macha 143]

machasanta.jpg

• macha 143
• Nov 8, 2015

Deaw Cwirstmas Guwu,

Dis is Macha typing, I am posting while Meowmy cooking, I want to ask a question and purrrlease it's  furry important...oh yesh...it is!

I always dweam to be a Santa Macha, is it meowkay? Do you fink deres such fing a Santa girl?

Purring always,

Santa Macha

 

[PushPurrCatPaws]

Dear Christmas Guru,

When will Santa and Rudolph deliver a steel padlocked box to go over kitty's soft, felted Christmas stocking?

When kitty's normal felt stocking is visited by Santa on Christmas Eve, and filled with catnip & toys, it gets destroyed by claws and teeth by Christmas morn. Everyone is forlorn on Christmas, all the toys already played with and lost under furniture.

Signed,
Looking Forward to Christmas

 

[christmas guru]

Quote:

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• christmas guru
• Nov 9, 2015

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• christmas guru
• Nov 9, 2015

One cat even wrote in to say that she was actually wrapped up as a gift -

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• christmas guru
• Nov 9, 2015

With so many complaints coming in, I approached the Big Boss himself, asking him what can be done.

I regret to say that Santa laughed so hard at the images that he said they should be made a mandatory part of Christmas. Apparently, our human can openers are just too fond of cats in Christmas attire and they add to the holiday cheer!

However, Santa being the fair and just person that he is, and recognizing the plight of the feline models he wrote a note, and said this must be given to every kitty who's being dressed up for the holidays.

Please print this out, and place on your big cat's pillow -

Dear Human Can Opener,

If you dress up your cat in holiday attire you must also give extra treats and pampering to said cat from the day of the photoshoot until New Year's Eve. So says Santa.

I hope this will help ease the pain and humiliation, my dear Abby.

CG

 

[christmas guru]

 
Dear Christmas Guru

My blind cat Jenny wants to write to Santa to ask for oresents for her and her new sister Cricket but her blindness makes writing difficut.  Do you have any suggestions?

Dear StephenQ

Please tell Jenny that she doesn't need to be able to write to ask Santa for presents. All she has to do is face the North Pole and wish with all her might. Santa will hear her and bring her whatever her heart desires.

Love to Jenny and Cricket

CG

 

[christmas guru]

Deaw Cwirstmas Guwu,

Dis is Macha typing, I am posting while Meowmy cooking, I want to ask a question and purrrlease it's  furry important...oh yesh...it is!

I always dweam to be a Santa Macha, is it meowkay? Do you fink deres such fing a Santa girl?

Purring always,

Santa Macha

Dear Santa Macha,

Santa approves of your new Santa hat. He is always looking for helpers, if you promise to be a very good kitty and not break any of Meowmy's ornaments or knock over her Christmas tree this year he will let you be his Santa girl.

best wishes.

CG

 

[christmas guru]

Dear Christmas Guru,

When will Santa and Rudolph deliver a steel padlocked box to go over kitty's soft, felted Christmas stocking?

When kitty's normal felt stocking is visited by Santa on Christmas Eve, and filled with catnip & toys, it gets destroyed by claws and teeth by Christmas morn. Everyone is forlorn on Christmas, all the toys already played with and lost under furniture.

Signed,
Looking Forward to Christmas

Dear Looking Forward to Christmas,

Santa thinks you have misunderstood what is meant by Christmas morn. As soon as the clock strikes midnight the fun can begin, felt stockings hanging up in plain view are fair game for any kitty clever enough to find them.

Let's remember that our feline friends are descended from stealthy nocturnal hunters. While you sleep they are already celebrating Christmas. When you wake their toys will be stashed under the furniture, ready to be retrieved and played with again as soon as they've had their morning nap.

Santa thinks everyone should be allowed to enjoy Christmas in their own way. No need for steel padlocked boxes.

The Christmas Guru.

 

[macha 143]

Dear Santa Macha,

Santa approves of your new Santa hat. He is always looking for helpers, if you promise to be a very good kitty and not break any of Meowmy's ornaments or knock over her Christmas tree this year he will let you be his Santa girl.

best wishes.

CG

Deaw Cwirstmas Guwu,

Purrlease say tenk you to Santa fow appwoaving my Santa hat...cool eh?

Yesh...I purromise not to knock anyfing ...oh yesh...me Santa girl...woohooo

Purring always,

Santa Macha

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Dere Catmas Guru

Dis Hekitty.  Meny meny fankees for tellin meowmy to gets a kittehtree for me.  A kitteh needs to be up high inna air and survay her queendom.  Is inna rulz.  Sometimes doz twofuts dont get it a bit.  We needs a Guru full tym, not jus at Catmas.

Ai gots to go.  Meowmy will find me onna puter and go batpoopy.  Ai promis to act all surprized when ai gets dat kittehtree.

Lubs and stuff

Hekitty

 

[Columbine]

Dear Christmas Guru,

This will be Asha's first proper Christmas. My senior cat, Shadow, says that he's too old to believe in Santa (he's 13, and very dignified). How can I stop him from bursting Asha's bubble?

She's already getting excited about ambushing Santa when he comes down the chimney :slant: I don't want Shadow ruining her Christmas cheer.

Yours,

Elf-in-training

 

[Norachan]

Dear Christmas Guru,

I'd like to know what would be a suitable way to say thank you to Santa when he visits our house this Christmas. When I was a kid my parents always used to let us leave a mince pie and a glass of sherry for Santa. I know some families leave milk and cookies. Is this what Santa really likes?

I'm worried that he'll be sick of sweet things by the time he's visited the 3,000 or 4,000 house. Doesn't all that sherry make steering his sleigh difficult? Is there something else Santa would like to find waiting for him after he squeezes down the chimney?

Regards.

A concerned cat guardian.

 

[christmas guru]

Dear Christmas Guru,

This will be Asha's first proper Christmas. My senior cat, Shadow, says that he's too old to believe in Santa (he's 13, and very dignified). How can I stop him from bursting Asha's bubble?

She's already getting excited about ambushing Santa when he comes down the chimney

I don't want Shadow ruining her Christmas cheer.

Yours,

Elf-in-training

Dear elf-in-training,

Ambushing Santa?   That's my job!  

      The big guy is pretty slow when he's in his red suit and black boots.  He's an easy target.   

As far as Shadow is concerned, have you considered bribery?  The CG is certainly not above bribery.  It's what makes the world, or at least CG's world, go around.   Perhaps extra treats or lap time would be enough to convince Shadow that keeping his mouth shut would be best.   

The Christmas Guru

 

[christmas guru]

 
Dear Christmas Guru,

I'd like to know what would be a suitable way to say thank you to Santa when he visits our house this Christmas. When I was a kid my parents always used to let us leave a mince pie and a glass of sherry for Santa. I know some families leave milk and cookies. Is this what Santa really likes?

I'm worried that he'll be sick of sweet things by the time he's visited the 3,000 or 4,000 house. Doesn't all that sherry make steering his sleigh difficult? Is there something else Santa would like to find waiting for him after he squeezes down the chimney?

Regards.

A concerned cat guardian.

Dear concerned cat guardian,

Bourbon.  Santa likes bourbon.     Eggnog laced with bourbon or rum is also an acceptable treat.  Have you seen how jolly is by the end of Christmas Eve?  It's the booze, concerned cat guardian.   Totally the booze.   Can I also suggest a few catnip cookies thrown in for the CG are also appreciated.

As far as steering goes, the latest sleigh has an auto-pilot feature that has come in veeeeery handy at times.  

Cheers!

The Christmas Guru