Me or her. Who's in the wrong?

roobear

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Hi guys. I need a bit of vaguely cat related advice.

My fiances cousin has been staying with us for three weeks now, she has got a job up here and hasn't found a place to live. We were more than happy to put her up for a couple of weeks on the condition that she would do everything in her power to find somewhere to live. What we didn't know until recently is that she is discounting any flat that doesn't allow cats.

She has 3 cats but they live with her ex-boyfriend in the house which she still owns half of. I understand that she loves her cats and misses them, (I miss mine too) but rentals that allow pets are notoriously rare and she is living in my flat. I don't understand why she cant get a little flat on a six month lease and live there while she continues to look for a place that will allow cats. Or even when she sells her half of the house they can go and live with her mum (who has said she will have them, she already has 9, 3 more temporarily is nothing) until she finds suitable accommodation.

She has even said she wants to draw up a custody agreement with her ex, ffs they're cats, not children. I don't get it. I love my cat to bits but I let him go cos it was best for him, I can't help thinking that she is only thinking of herself here.

Am I being unfair? Should I just put up with her living in my flat til she finds a place that allows pets for should she get a move on and think about the cats later. I must state the cats are not and will never be homeless. The are well looked after by the ex.

We have decided to carry on until my birthday (7th November) and then we will have to have a chat and say that we can't keep her forever, we told our landlord that it would only be two weeks and its approaching four now.
 
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grizzlysapien

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I think that none of you guys are in the "wrong" side, to tell you the truth..

From what you're writing, it seems like both sides are in different places and have different priorities..

I guess, your fiance's cousin separated recently from her ex? So, she kind of needs to get her life together and do it in terms that don't put her in a difficult position (as it might had been before separating). On the other hand, she needs to realise and respect the fact that she's been trying to figure out all of this, while living under your roof.. 

You and your fiance, are in a different place in your lives, but you are willing and kind enough to help her for a while.. Will you have issues with your landlord, if she stays more? My grandma lived with us for 2 years, after my grandpa passed away and we didn't have to make any arrangements with our landlord. On the other hand, the cousin is in a difficult position right now and she will need all the help and understanding she can get from you guys. Not that I'm implying you're not helpful or understanding, of course!

I don't think she is more comfortable with this situation than you guys.. I bet she feels weird having to live with you, until she figures out what she's going to do.. You guys should both sit down and have a talk with her about what she's considering to do if she doesn't find a pet friendly place to move in. I don't believe it's a matter of "right and wrong", but a matter of what you guys can do, so that no one gets their feelings hurt.
 

Anne

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I understand rentals that allow cats are rare but are they also more expensive? I wonder if maybe she needs to come to terms with the fact that she simply can't afford such a place, if they are more expensive.

It really is hard to judge in these cases. I think her wishing to be with her cats is legitimate but that doesn't mean you need to keep having her for longer than you can. I would have set a limit to begin with, but later is better than none. You need to figure out how long you are willing to have her stay with you and lovingly yet sternly make clear that this is the limit. That's something she'll have to work with. If she finds the kind of place she's looking for, fine. If not, she would need to find some other temporary arrangement until she does. 
 

hexiesfriend

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Yes I understand both sides too. It's a hard conversation to tell her to leave and keep the peace but she does have the alternative of moving in with her mother so you are not leaving her with no options when you set a time limit. She should understand at this point that is her only option.
 

blueyedgirl5946

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If it is causing you problems with your landlord, give her a date and tell her she has to be gone by then. She should have been up front about this with you to begin with. Sorry, hard, but fair.
 

carinajosefine

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I dont think your fiances cousin is wrong. I'd find your comment "ffs they're cats, not children" quite hurtfull if I were in her psotion. She is going through a real hard time, where everything in her life is changing. She probably knows her cats AND her ex best, and have a feeling whats best for them.

That being said, youre not wrong either. She has no _right_ to "intrude" in your house, its your bounderies, your patience and kindness that sets the rules and what goes. And youre in your right to do so.

Maybe she will get some money and things will be easier if/when she sells her part of her house? Theres no right or wrong. It is about finding sollutions that you all can live with.
 

mingking

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I think when it's time for a confrontation, it's better to leave the cats out and really just talk about the set date that she will need to be out of your home/the period you're comfortable with her staying with you. It's better to keep things calm and happy and the cats seem like a sensitive subject since you both are at odds. I agree with everyone that no one is in the wrong but since you are in this position, it's ultimately up to you to set a date and be stern about it.
 
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