My cat died and the remaining cat doesn't seem to care! Has this happened to you?

I just had to put my 4 year old cat down to sleep due to the evil disease FIP. My other remaining cat, 9 years old, was like an older sister to him, or so I thought. She was 4 when I brought him home at 3 months old. She bathed him every day, thought him how to clean, where the litter box was and they would cuddle all day long, chase each other about playfully and hardly ever play rough.

Now that the ynger cat isn't here anymore, my remaining cat seems to not care at all. Her behavior has not changed in the least. She doesn't look for him, she is eating normally, grooming herself, etc. it's like she doesnt notice he is gone, after 4 years of spending every day together happily! I know I should be grateful that she is not upset and mourning. No one wants their pet to be sad. But they were (I thought) quite bonded, and she appears to have no feelings about it. I know she is a cat not a human, but I sort of resent her for not caring about My other cat's passing. I'm sure if it had been the other way around he would have been very upset to lose his 'older sister'.

Has anyone else experienced this? I don't want to resent my remaining cat for seeming coldhearted. I'm just amazed at how she seems totally Unphased. I should add though that the last week of the dying cat's life, me and my remaining cat were here every day with him, so she knew he was getting sick and dying. I was also preparing myself emotionally. Maybe she was too? I'm not as much of a wreck as I thought I would be because I grieved 24/7 while I knew he was dying. Maybe my other cat did the same? Or maybe, like I said, she's just coldhearted....which is a shame because she is a very loving cat to everyone and all other cats. I'm just confused. Any thoughts appreciated.

Thanks !

@Cookiecat123   I'm really sorry on the loss of your 4 year old cat.  Having to euthanize or put our animals down to sleep is the hardest part of sharing our lives with them, but it's also the kindest decision, too, when their suffering gets too much, and illnesses take over.

I haven't experienced exactly what you are describing, but last year when my 2 year old cat was dying of fiv and felv complications, my older 14 year old cat seemed to distance himself, initially, during the short time the younger cat was dying.  I was a little hurt by this, and also because my 2 year old lab/retriever dog did not seem to stay away at all.  The older cat did eventually go back to cuddling with the younger cat, on the same cat bed, but only a few times.  Later, I learned (from reading threads on this site), that it could be veterinary visit smells, medications, and even the illness which made the older cat stay away.

I don't think your 9 year old cat is cold-hearted at all, but rather like you mentioned, she may be coping differently with the illness and  the death of your younger cat, too.

I never even thought about the fact that your cat could have prepared herself,  before your cat died.  That might be a good way to look at things.

Grief, is just one of those things, where there is no set standard way that people or animals react.  Everyone is different.  I think cats live more in the moment, and don't dwell on things like death, they are too busy with living.  They also teach us so many things about life, too, if we are open to see it.

Your cat may be picking up on your emotions, too, and trying to help you to move through the grief phase.  I think it is good that our animals don't get sad, like we do, or else we'd just have a whole house full of sadness.  The other thing that might be happening, but I don't know...because I'm just going by what I was like...is that you could be angry at the whole situation, and then that anger gets a little transferred over to thinking your older cat is cold-hearted.

Try to be kind to yourself, and make sure to get regular eating and sleeping, too...maybe that is what your cat is trying to tell you, as well. 

cat nap -

Thanks for taking the time to provide all that insight. I know what you wrote is all true, and makes sense. I keep trying to say that animals just arent like us. ANd we arent like them, I think I just feel alone in my grief and oddly, the fact that my remaining cat seems fine makes me feel alone. Like how the world of non pet-owners dont understand how hard th eloss of a pet can be, well, I feel like my remaining cat has the same attitude - like "Get over it!"

I might be transfering some of my anger about my little boy being taken so randomly onto my still living cat. And Ill be honest, she is a difficult cat. Needy, demaninding, attention seeker, disruptive at night. Ironically I ended up getting my little guy in order to keep this one happy and with company since she is very social. Prior to getting Charlie (the one who passed and is in my profile picture), I got Paris and was told by the rescue people that she would be happy as a solo cat or with other cats. I never planned on getting a second cat. But after a year of clearly seeing Paris being lonely during the day while I was at work, I got her Charlie, to be her little brother and keep her company. They hit it off within an hour of me bringing him home. She was like a mother/older sister to him. I used to say to him at night, "Please dont ever die Charlile and leave me alone with her" (meaning Paris who is so demanding. Well, Charlie went and left me alone with her. And she has been stressing me out in this time of sadness. I have (and always have had) mixed emotions about her- she is the most loving friendly cat you could ever meet. She loves everyone. But thats the thing -- she would probably go home with anyone and not even miss me! I think that oine reason cat people prefer cats to dogs is that we feel special when cats choose us to love. Charlie loved ME, not everyone and anyone. And I miss that. :-(

I am having such a mix of emotions, and yes, you are right, I am directing some anger at Paris, and all she wants to do is be her usual loving self (again, keep in mind, she is loving and cuddly with anyone, even the cable repair guy. She really loves everyone and just about any cat she has come across as well).

anyway, today was not a great day for me, missing my little orange guy. And I would like to be getting better sleep but Paris has a habit of disturbng me at 4 am and then again at 6 am.

Cat Nap, I appreciate your insight very very much, thank you

Courtney

Hi Courtney, aka Cookiecat123, the reason I replied to your thread, is because you wrote many things that grabbed me, and also gave me a lot of insight, too, so it's mutual.  I'll say you're welcome, but I really appreciate what you wrote, too...so we'd be even. The first thing that I noticed was that you mentioned FIP, and I had a cat in the early 1990's, who died at 3 years of age. I was so confused, sad, angry because I thought, at the time, that the vaccinations we gave to our cats would cover them from illness. 

And then I guess, you reminded me of myself, from last year, except the way you worded that you had grieved 24/7 and that your cat Paris, had, maybe, grieved too...caused me to realize how we can all grieve differently...and how the animals that are left with us, help us in this sad time, by trying to take our mind off of things, and to focus on day to day things.  Many people on this Site helped me, but a lot don't know it, because we'd post, and read, and then generally talk about our cats, or other topics, and I came to realize that learning about cats and cat care helped me cope with my own loss, as did learning about other non-cat things.

Your emotions are going to be really raw right now, and yes, I remember how mixed my emotions were, too.  I think it took me 5-6 months to level out, and even after that I still had sad/angry/mixed days.

Your Charlie is beautiful, in your avatar, and I do hope you will consider getting another cat, eventually, when you are ready, because I can honestly say that it does help.  It may be too soon, now, but you'll know. 

Also your Paris, does sound like she wants you to feel better,...except for the part where she wants you go get up at 4am.  (I'm not sure why there is something special about 4am...but we also have a young female kitten who thinks that 4-5 am is a good wake-up time. I blame my sister who gets up at 5am for work...for mixing the cat up...since maybe the the cat thinks everyone has to get up.)

Nah, I don't think that Paris has quite the same attitude like those non-pet owners who don't understand the loss of a pet.  I feel kind of sorry for them, for not feeling the love that our pets give us, and don't really pay much attention to them when they make unhelpful comments.  Sometimes, people surprise me, though, in thinking they don't know how it feels, but really they are more afraid of feeling hurt or loss than we pet-owners are.  And some non-pet people I thought would never care and cannot relate, still try, just have a really poor choice of words, sometimes.

I kind of chuckled at your description of Paris being 'loving and cuddly with anyone, even the cable repair guy'...because when the cable is broken, who doesn't like that guy. (Okay, that was a bad joke.)

I guess I am understanding what you're saying more, in that you just miss that totally focused love and attention that Charlie gave, and wish that Paris acted a bit like him.  She does love you, and she does need you, she just shows it differently. You're road is going to be rough, for a while, but give yourself plenty of time, and keep writing down your thoughts and feelings, too, because that may help.  There are many people in the "Crossing the Bridge" forum and on this site that understand the grief you are going through, so don't ever think that you are alone.

I don't know, I think time is the only thing that really helps, but having animals around us makes that time easier.

diana

I'm so sorry about you having to euthanize your young cat! I understand that particularly heartache all too well. Two years ago I had to euthanize my wonderful male when he was barely six. He seemed fine one day and the next wouldn't eat or play - very unusual for him. I took him to the vet and discovered he had a fast growing tumor on his heart. Even before the vet could euthanize him, he was breathing heavy. It all happened so fast, I had little time to even consider the what and how - it was very hard.

One mistake we people make is expecting our animals to behave as humans. There is no doubt that animals feel grief, they just don't show it in ways we do. Shi - my male - was in love with my German Shepherd. They slept together, ate together and often played together. A year before Shi got sick, I had to euthanize my GSD due to kidney failure at age 15. I worried about Shi, but he showed little sign of distress. But one day, about a month after having to put my dog down, I moved the couch in the family room, and found a pile of her toys. My male had been hiding the toys there. It made me cry! 

It can be really tough to grieve the death of a pet because some people never understand the value of a pet and tell us "it was only a cat." But we know they are so much more. Your cat probably feels the loss, she just doesn't show grief in ways we would understand. I know some cats (and dogs) stop eating, sleep a lot and do show grief, but most of mine never have. Try not to interpret this as uncaring. That, again, is a human interpretation and not fair to an animal. I know what you mean by feeling a bit lost and empty. That's how I felt when Shi died and it took me time to heal that wound. I still miss him, but the pain is dull now. 

I wish you peace and healing - 

Cookiecat123 said:

I just had to put my 4 year old cat down to sleep due to the evil disease FIP. My other remaining cat, 9 years old, was like an older sister to him, or so I thought. She was 4 when I brought him home at 3 months old. She bathed him every day, thought him how to clean, where the litter box was and they would cuddle all day long, chase each other about playfully and hardly ever play rough.

Now that the ynger cat isn't here anymore, my remaining cat seems to not care at all. Her behavior has not changed in the least. She doesn't look for him, she is eating normally, grooming herself, etc. it's like she doesnt notice he is gone, after 4 years of spending every day together happily! I know I should be grateful that she is not upset and mourning. No one wants their pet to be sad. But they were (I thought) quite bonded, and she appears to have no feelings about it. I know she is a cat not a human, but I sort of resent her for not caring about My other cat's passing. I'm sure if it had been the other way around he would have been very upset to lose his 'older sister'.

Has anyone else experienced this? I don't want to resent my remaining cat for seeming coldhearted. I'm just amazed at how she seems totally Unphased. I should add though that the last week of the dying cat's life, me and my remaining cat were here every day with him, so she knew he was getting sick and dying. I was also preparing myself emotionally. Maybe she was too? I'm not as much of a wreck as I thought I would be because I grieved 24/7 while I knew he was dying. Maybe my other cat did the same? Or maybe, like I said, she's just coldhearted....which is a shame because she is a very loving cat to everyone and all other cats. I'm just confused. Any thoughts appreciated.

Thanks !

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I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I kind of have a similar story but in the opposite direction. My DH passed away 4 years ago. We have a now 13 year old Border Collie who was daddy's girl. She adored him. When he passed away very suddenly, she was as devastated as I was and went into a deep depression.  She used to wait for him in the hallway by the front door until he came home from work and then was his shadow. After he passed, she continued to wait in that spot for 2 full years moving only at mealtimes and when it was time to go outside. She lost her spark. I couldn't help her. I was just as bad as she was. Our house was like a morgue. After 2 years passed, she finally left that spot. I thought she was coming out of it but she wasn't. She was just sad somewhere else. You'd think that this would have brought us closer but it didn't. She seemed to blame me for him not being there and used to glare at me sometimes. It was a really bad time for both of us and I don't wish that on you. Your cat is dealing with the loss of her friend the best way she can and the fact that she's not terribly sad is a good thing. Why? She knows that her friend crossed the bridge. She knows he is OK and that when the time is right, they will pick up their friendship like nothing ever happened. My dog didn't seem to get that unfortunately. It's not easy living with a very depressed animal. You can't explain things to them. It wasn't until I got Lilith and Sophie that she really got her spark back.

I think she probably knew what was coming before you did and that gave her a chance to make peace and say goodbye to her friend. Cats are so smart and so intuitive. I think she said what she needed to say before he had to go and right now, she knows she needs to be strong and be there for you because he asked her to.

Diana

Apologies for not replying sooner to ally thoughtful and caring and insightful note. If I find myself distracting in the flow of life I let that go on for as long as it does, because when that distraction ends, the sad thoughts come back. And while this website and forum have been so helpful, it's also a place that I come to when I am feeling sad, and I want to avoid feeling sad- I know it is human feel sad after a loss, but I am an already sad and down person, and this loss has thrown me an extra challenge, which I think surprisingly I am handling well- simply meaning I can leave the house and communicate with people and got the office for the day. I purposefully distract myself- binge tv watching, but then I feel I am not honoring Charlie by sitting quietly and dwelling on him. Losing a cat is so different I think from losing a dog because cats tend to spend time during the day by themselves. They're not constantly next to us, they're off sleep in somewhere in another room and independent. So the void that I'm feeling isn't 24/7. In some ways it's as if he is still here, just sleeping in the other room, but when I realize he is gone forever, so unfairly taken, so young that it just seems soooooo unreal, surreal and not possible.

I tend to see the image of him just after his last breath at the vets office, and I don't want that to be what I see of him. But I guess I see that image in my mind to force myself to realize, this is permanent. Oh there isn't a point to putting these emotions into words. I just feel them. I feel saddest at night. And I miss thing him, petting him, making him feel good.

And I feel guilty that I will let him slip fro my mind more and more as each day goes by. Like I said, I feel like it is dishonoring him. I have been fortunate to not have any relatives or good friends in my life pass away, so Charlie's death and that of previous cats is about as close as I have come learning to handle grief and loss. It is a strange thing. You wish for relief from the sadness, and then I feel bad for not feeling the sadness. It's thee, I'm just not acutely feeling it every minute. But I do my fair share of crying each night, that's for sure. Darn I just miss him so much!!!!

I'm working on accepting and understanding Paris's lack of emotion, and not resent her. It's getting better. It's just she reminds me of hm so much , they were always together. And because she is a very social cat, I am going to have they a second cat very soon, and then I will really feel like I am doing Charlie a disservice.

Anyway, I am going to distract myself right now, because I need to take a break from the sadness.

Thanks again Diana

She perhaps saw the boy being taken away in the carrier?  So she knows he isnt not home, no point of searching after him?

I have noticed this is a very useful to do, letting them see the leaving is - leaving.  

It may be a visiting wife to a stud,  a kitten adopted out, or a beloved friend who died - is taken away for the last injection...

This thread makes me cry. . The others have already posted very insightful replies and I have nothing new to add but just wanted to give you virtual hugs. You are not alone! I promise it will get better. It took me years but I can now remember my old kitty with love and joy instead of just sadness. It might take a while but it will happen for you too. We are so lucky to have them at all and all the beautiful memories we make together.

Courtney, no apologies are necessary.  Most of us have been there, and understand how emotional and exhausting, this time can be. One of the members/advisors, last year, wrote that grief gets suppressed until we are better able to cope with it, or it does not come out all at once, to better be able to handle it, in small bursts of time. (I'm paraphrasing, though, so maybe the meaning was different, but it helped me out.)

I also used distraction to cope with the loss.  And you actually just helped me realize that seeing that last image, over and over, may have been a way to also accept the loss...I just thought it was me questioning the timing of PTS, or my mind being so unhelpful.  Now, I think that it might have been trying to help me Accept things better.  I had to consciously stop myself from thinking about the ending, and focus on the beginning, and middle parts, because the ending was not something I wanted to remember.  (Actually, I wished we were sometimes more like robots, with an on-off switch, but that wasn't too helpful thinking, either.)

Honestly, I don't think your Charlie would want you to sit and think about him in a sad way, or be sad, or feel any guilt about trying to cope with his loss as best you can. I honestly think our cats would want us to feel better, like the next day, if not immediately, but it just doesn't seem to work like that for us.  From what you wrote, he seems the type of cat to only want the best for you.  Maybe all these feelings are something we just have to go through, to reach a better understanding of ourselves, I don't know.  It does seem to me, that our animals help.  I think Charlie would feel nothing but honour for having you as his cat-guardian, even if it was too short of a time frame.

I was curious about one thing about Paris' behaviour, but I don't want you to feel you have to respond, or reply to any posts, or questions, because, you are right, sometimes just seeing cats, and other cats that look like him, or visiting a cat site would cause more sadness, and not the opposite. I just wondered if Paris had reverted back to her old ways of acting by being more needy, and demanding, and waking you up at 4 am, because if she had stopped with these behaviours while Charlie was around, and then now had started again, then she too would be missing him, but just in a different way. 

Take care Courtney, I wish you well.

Diana, Kat0121, Iridane, StefanZ and MTGal

Thank you all of you for your emails, sharing your own stories and the advice and care and kind words you have sent me. I am late in replying to your nice replies because – honestly – looking at this site and returning to my posts to see the lovely replies, actually makes me sad. It’s a double edged sword. I like the support from all of you on the forums, but when I look at the forums, it opens up my wound all over again.
I am going to close this thread if I can, because I have gotten great ideas from all of you and want to move on from being reminded. Even seeing the title of my own thread gets me upset. Ugh, it’s just so hard to lose a loved one. I’m sorry we have all gone through it – and sadly will again, it’s the price we pay when we choose to bring animals into our lives and hearts. Still, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

and DIANA:
Your question about Paris’s behavior made me laugh, because if you knew this cat, you would understand. Right now she is yelping and meowing for no reason that I can figure out. Exercised and played with, fed well, brushed and coddled – it’s all been all taken care of, and she is still wanting my attention. And your question was if this has increased since Charlie is gone? Not really. It’s always been this annoying! Paris is one handful, but she is a loveable creature. But man, I never get a good night’s sleep. I haven’t for the past 5 years since I’ve had her!

Best of health and happiness to all of you and your furry friends

Courtney

Diana

I just reread your responses to my post and I wanted to say thank you so much. I think I'll be reading them again.
They make me feel so much better. And sometimes even laugh a little like the cable guy showing up.

Thank you again I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving
Courtney (and Paris too!)

Cats are strange beings! I have brother and sister. They usually always care for each other. But when Nino (the man cat) was sick. Miki (the female cat) totally did not care for him. She did not want to watch him anymore! I heard many explanation. One is that Miki was scared that the same thing do not happened to her, that Nino smelled to her on sickness and medicals. or simply that cats do not care! I really do not know the reason, but I guess we need to get used on our cats strange behavior!

I am sorry for your lost dear Cookiecat123!

Years ago I had the exact same experience with my siamese kitties that were like glue with each other. If one was locked in a closet accidentally, the other would cry by the door. They did everything together and I worried when one would go how awful it'd be for the survivor. However when the boy had severe kidney disease, the girl separated herself from him and I later found it's a survival instinct that's natural. She never seemed to mourn him but did want to be held more.

Now I just had the same thing with 2 other kitties and the survivor female did look for him and mourned him, big difference was that he wasn't sick, he hurt himself and was taken to the ER and had to be put down and she didn't see him being sick and I think that's the big difference.

I still mourn him and she did too, now she's busy with a new kitten I just added to the household however so she no longer cries for him. She hasn't totally accepted the kitten yet but is slowly looking like she will.

Sorry for your loss, I'm still experiencing my own. Also it's strange, this kitten is like a clone of him, exact same personality, it's cool cause its what I hated losing was his spirit, this is a female and I love her tons and am excited to get that personality back, but it's strange at the same time, like I'm betraying his memory with this replacement. Just another step in mourning I'm hoping and am concentrating on loving this little girl!

Cookiecat123 said:

Diana

I just reread your responses to my post and I wanted to say thank you so much. I think I'll be reading them again.
They make me feel so much better. And sometimes even laugh a little like the cable guy showing up.

Thank you again I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving
Courtney (and Paris too!)

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Courtney,
Thank you so much for the compliment. It makes me feel good that some of my words are able to help. 

I do tend to use humour a lot, and try to get the other person to smile or laugh, because I find humour helps with the difficult parts of life, and life in general. Sometimes, online, it gets misunderstood, but I still try. I am glad that it made you laugh...Actually, you mentioned that cable guy first, in describing 'how loving Paris is'. I just pictured it, in my head.

Right, now, I am a little lost and mixed up, because I had to put my senior 15yr old cat, Spotty, to sleep, on nov. 20th. He had CKD and HCM, and was crashing. (I don't want to take away from your own thread, and will write up my own, but am finding it difficult to put words and thoughts onto paper). 

Re-reading your thread actually helped me too, because there are many useful comments and observations in it.  I do believe what Kat0121 said about cats being 'so smart and so intuitive'...because cats always seem to be able to pick up when we need extra 'cat-closeness-time', or some space.

I sometimes read other members' posts, just to smile and laugh at how interesting our lives with cats are.  If you ever feel like posting a few regular stories, funny, irritating...whatever...about your cat Paris, or Rainbow Charlie, I'd be thrilled. That way, I can smile and laugh further at Paris' loving behaviour or cat antics...even if she may be a tad 'handful' at times...because I think I might have a similar acting cat...in my young 6 month old, Topaul. I'm now thinking that Topaul may have been reading your posts over my shoulder, and figures, that if other cats are demanding...then she can be, too.  Nothing wrong with that kind of cat personality, according to Topaul.            

Thanks again, and I hope you also had a pleasant Thanksgiving. Us canadians celebrate our Thanksgiving in october, but I'm thinking I should just go and have another thanksgiving day, because the food is great, and another reason to be thankful and grateful for the good things around us.    I could always say it's in honour of the American one, but I thought yours was on the weekend, sunday or monday, so I went and looked it up...and it was on Thursday...so I guess the weekend can get extended. Sweet.

I lost my Lucky just over two weeks ago to acute on chronic renal failure. He was 16 years old, and my one 13 year old (Maple) knew him all but the first three months of her life. The other 13 year old (Sara) knew him for the last 9 years. Then I have two kittens (Oliver and Oscar) who only knew him since July. The kittens miss him the most. He was their Uncle Lucky who kinda took them under his wing (once he decided it was ok to stop hissing at them) and even played with them. When he got sick though he wanted nothing to do with them, or anyone for that matter. That upset them, especially Oscar, terribly. 

I don't think Maple even notices something has changed. I think Sara notices something is different, but doesn't really know what. 

I've had animals my whole life and all of them respond differently to the deaths of the others. I've even had some that seemed downright cheerful about it. Don't think they are cold-hearted even then, but rather an attention thing. They are glad to be getting more attention that may have otherwise gone elsewhere.

In 2000 we brought home a male tabby cat which was raised by my 165 lb St. Bernard Friar Tuck.  When Friar had to be put down due to cancer our fourteen month old tabby Satch was lost and kept on wondering all through the house crying for Friar.  We brought home an extremely small four month old Siamese and Satch never hissed or growled at her.  They were totally inseparable.  In December 2008 another Blue Point Siamese Twinkles was added to our family. In late January our Tabby Satch ended up having twenty-eight seizures from 8 pm Saturday evening until 5 am the next morning.  During this time the 6 year old Siamese Lida's Angel Dust didn't want to be around him at all even though he had raised her from a four month old kitten.  The four month old kitten Twinkles came up to Satch at various times not knowing what to do but was concerned.  The days after Satch died Angel growled and hissed continually at Twinkles and it took several months for them to bond to one another.  

Animals have a sixth sense when something is wrong with their  family and each react differently.

In the late 1980's my mare died of colic.  Before she died my Percheron nuzzled and gave her kisses and when the two geldings were put out to the paddock they kept calling for her and this went on for weeks.  When I rode they around the property, they always stopped where she was buried.  You can't tell me that it was just a coincidence.