Dealing with feelings of guilt and questioning my choice- please help :(

Hi, everyone. I'm a lurker here for the most part but I really need someone to talk to. Wednesday night we had to put my best friend, my world, Sam down. It was a choice we made and I am in such unbearable pain from the loss and guilt. He was 13.

Background: Sam had digestive issues from an early age, symptoms of vomiting and diarrhea that cams and went but alwAys cleared up on his own. Fast forward to 2 years ago when he developed a very bad case of pancreatitis. He did recover but barely. Deep down over the years I had suspicions of IBD but blood work was always perfect and when I questioned vets they always brushed off the IBD thoughts as not chronic enough to check for that yet (I thought so but apparently they didn't). I did everything I knew to do... Switched him immediately to a raw diet and that did help for awhile but eventually over the past couple years he became listless, lost weight (he was never overweight so didn't have a lot to lose) decreased appetite and much active. Going outside his box (pooping), general symptoms of gastric distress. Brought him in again Tuesday morning when he could not longer hold down food and wasn't popping either. X-rays were fine but she did say there was a ton of gas in his intestines (nothing uncommon for him) and his liver was slightly inflamed. Blood work revealed nothing but elevated liver levels, and because of that, she didn't want to give him a steroid quite yet because of how hard it is on the liver. Sent us home with Metronidazole. He ate a little that night but I could tell he was miserable and not making much progress. Over the past two weeks or so, before the acute symptoms, he had been sleeping in odd places, away from us and seemed to want to be left alone.

Anyway, Wednesday morning I come downstairs and he's sitting outside his box, drooling all the way to the floor and letting out horrific yowls. I knew something was so wrong, he kept wanting to poop but couldn't. Rushed him immediately to the vet, she thought he was constipated so gave him an enema that helped him poop. He stayed at the vet for about 5 hours to be monitored. When I picked him up he looked like death. Far worse than when I had brought him in, but it could easily have been attributed to the stress of the vet office. 3 hours later, Sam is panting so heavily and drooling on the floor of our bedroom... It literally looked as if he was dying. Scooped him up of course and ran to the emergency room. He was in septic shock they said and his temp was 92 degrees (hypothermic). They couldn't even get a blood pressure reading. He was alive but barely.

They told me that they could try to get him better, do everything they could, but it was up to us. They suspected a bacterial infection in his intestines (due to uncontrolled IBD likely) had traveled outside his organs into his body and made him septic. She did not say one way or another but she kept saying to me "he is a very very sick kitty". In the end we chose to end his suffering as he was barely alive (but had the possibility of recovery). She did mention the possibility of lymphoma as well.

Sorry this has been long winded. I am dealing with horrific feelings of guilt for not insisting on an ultrasound earlier to get IBD officially diagnosed and treated. He went from normal (with some IBD symptoms) to death's door within 2 days. It's been unbearable pain, mostly from guilt, for my husband and I. Should we have tried to save him? If he DID make it, then put him thru a battery of tests and medications the rest of his life? I couldn't bear the thought of him going thru that. He was scared to death of the vet and I knew was extremely tired and not himself from suffering for so long with these symptoms. They did get better with the raw food but ultimately caused a huge problem a few days ago. I am beyond devestated and am questioning whether I should have told them to do whatever possible to keep him alive and get him better. Would that have been for me or for him? Quality of his life was my number 1 concern, not money or the amount of care he'd need. Who knows what would have happened if they could have gotten him out of the severe shock he was in. He was limp as a rag doll, with very little life in him. But still... What if? Maybe he could have then gotten a proper diagnosis and treated but it also could have been lymphoma. Please someone help reassure me I did the right thing at the time. My boy is gone and I'm heartbroken.

I'm sorry for your loss, and everything that you had to go through, seeking help and not getting the right answers.  Watching poor Sam suffer, and not know what, if anything you can do for him.  All of these things are a very heavy weight... whats done is done. None of us wants our fur babies to die, none of us what to have to make that decision between treatment that may or may not work, and all of us are worn down by wondering what if, no matter what we had decided.  I can't say if your decision was the right one, or the wrong one... No body can. But I am sure you loved Sam, and that you did what you absolutely believed was in his best interest and I believe Sam knows that too.  He was in pain, he was slipping away into that ever after we all eventually must face.  I wish I believed our pets were waiting for us at that rainbow bridge, holding tightly to the pieces of our heart they took with them, and that some day we will all be together again.  But what awaits us beyond death's door is a mystery to me.  But what is certain is that you loved Sam, and he loved you... and ultimately, thats the best we can hope for in this life.  To love and be loved.  Cherish his memory, mourn his loss, but don't beat yourself up over what is done. Sam would want you to be as happy and pain free as you want him to be now.

Hugs... it gets better.

Thank you so much. The part I struggle so much with is the lack of closure. All I really wish someone had ever said to me was "this is what it was, and there was nothing you could have done." I feel guilty that he maybe COULD have pulled thru and we could have gotten a proper diagnosis and medication. And we'd have him back.

I understand.  With Alex, we didn't euthanize.  She had chronic renal failure, and she would get bad, and then rebound, get bad again.  Our vet wanted us to euthanize for year before she died... he kept telling us she only had days or even hours.  But she didn't want to die.  I believe she did have pain, but I don't think her pain was severe to the point that she sufferred more than she enjoyed.  Even having a year, and knowing what it was that was doing her in... still leaves that terrible feeling like there just had to be more we could have done. Maybe we did the subq fluids wrong, maybe she needed more, maybe we could have syringe fed her and kept her kicking another six months... and on the other hand, after she died we went back and looked at all the pictures we took of her and you could see how much she changed over the last year and half, how little she had gotten, and we wonder if we should have put her to sleep when the vet suggested.  Sometimes it just hurts.  But you did the best you could.  We pay vets (and doctors) and we expect them to be able to take care of us... but vets and doctors are human too, they make mistakes.  When you get right down to it, all we can do is our best.  I think you did that and then some.  Even if you had an autopsy, and could definitively say it was lymphoma, or it was IBD... it won't bring Sam back...  With Sam, he was in pain, he was suffering, he was avoiding contact... I do believe it was his time to go, whatever he was suffering from, he WAS suffering horribly, and you did what you believed was right.  Sam knows that.  There is a time to hold on and time to let go.  Roots and Wings.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Alex. Those feelings so sound similar to what I'm experiencing- when you said you felt Alex enjoyed for than he suffered- that part is so difficult for me. Sam wasn't sick all the time, maybe only half. I cling to those times he was well and I think it fuels my guilt of taking good times away from him along with the bad. And who knows if the bad times would have even existed with proper treatment. Sounds crazy, I know.

Yeah, I just  threw that in there because you are having guilt about if euthanizing was the right thing, but even if you had gone the other direction, and fought harder to keep Sam with you, you may still have ended up feeling guilty about if you had done the right thing.  It just prolongs the agony.  Its been almost a year now and we still think about it... but if I had it to do over again, I would make the same choice.  I think you will be the same. I don't think you made a rash decision.  It would be nice to know if it had been IBD all a long, and what you could have done differently if you had it to do over again - but other courses of action could have brought about other problems.  You just will never know.

From your first post I say you made the same call I would have made. As his quality of life would of been altered for the worse if he did make it. He would of also suffered more if it hadn't been done when it was. Sam understands that and he's just on the other side of the rainbow bridge totally healed and playing with is fav toys waiting for you to join him.Feeling guilty and questioning your choice is normal.

Thank you, crystal. I just want the pain to stop. It's unbearable. Today is my first day back at work and I'm just praying I can make it thru.

I'm terribly sorry to hear about Sam. One of the worst parts about having a pet kitty is saying goodbye, and I know exactly how you feel about your decisions. The thought of losing your little buddy is enough to cause anxiety issues, but rest assured, you did the right thing. I watched my Cleo slowly lose weight from a lymphoma and knew that the end was coming, but I couldn't bring myself to put her to sleep as I felt that I was killing her, not relieving her suffering. It isn't until later that I could look back and see that I made the right choice when I took her to the vet. Cleo passed away in my arms at the vet's, but it was before the vet saw her. I sometimes regret waiting for so long because of her suffering, even though she didn't show it until the very end. A pet cat can't ask for anything better than an owner like you, because you have his best interests in mind...sometimes more interests in our cats than our own! You will always feel guilty even though you did the absolute best that you could do. Even if you were a zillionaire and money was no object, there wasn't much more that you could do for Sam and kept him comfortable as much as possible. You knew he hated the vets and didn't want to subject him to the stress and trauma of it...it sounds like Sam had a very empathic owner who did the best that was possible. Karma is said to be a, well, um...not too nice....but by taking such care of Sam and caring about his feeling as well as your own, you just got a big pile of good Karma!

   Rest assured that you did your best and some day you and Sam should meet again.

Jim 

I don't know WHY there is always so much guilt to be dealt with when what we do is out of love and compassion, but it is always there. Your sweet Sam was suffering and his quality of life deteriorated into endless tests and fear. It's not for anyone to know if you did the right thing or not, but what you did you did out of love for a loved one who needed you so much to take matters into your own hands. You took on his pain as your own, the hole it leaves in your heart takes a very long time to heal. The past is gone, and no matter how much we would like to change it, it is not possible. Second guessing yourself, all those should haves and could haves, are a part of the grieving process, but know that going there brings nothing but heartache and pain. Right now the pain is so intense that it is impossible to push aside, but try to concentrate on the good memories, and what a long wonderful, loving relationship you got to share with that boy who loved you back so much. He would never want you to suffer so much on his behalf, he would want you to go on with your life and hold him in a loving heart full of light and happiness, not darkness and pain. What you shared can never be taken away from you, you will carry it forever as long as you shall live, and in this way keep him and the precious memories alive too. Surround yourself with people who understand your grief, you need support and compassion at a time like this, please accept my condolences on your loss and know I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Bless you for loving so much to hurt so bad........ RIP beautiful Sam, may your journey to the Rainbow Bridge be swift, secure in the knowledge that you will forever be held in a loving heart who will never forget you!

I'm so sorry for your loss, and your husband's, as well.  Reading your post, I honestly believe you did the right thing.  Please don't blame yourself.  You made a selfless decision in Sam's best interest.  You acted out of love and courage when he needed you the most.  Bless you.  I hope your heart heals soon.   

I am truly sorry for your loss.
I can feel your pain through your posts and my heart breaks for both you and your husband. Everyone must make their own decision about their sick kitty and I will admit that it is an extremely difficult decision to make. We all love our kitties so much and do what we feel is best for them. They realize that and love us for it. We love and care for them all their lives and in the end , we make the best decision we can for them. I was not able to make that final decision when my Mickey became so ill and he passed naturally at home. Was it the right decision? ? I am not sure if everyone would agree, but I felt it was what was best for me and my kitty. Of course, the outcome is the same regardless. Both our kitties are gone. Please don't torture yourself!!
You loved your kitty so much and he loved you just as much.
I hope someday you can think of your sweet Sam with smiles instead of tears!
RIP Sweet Sam!
You were so loved and will always be missed!!

Please don't torment yourself any more.  You did everything that you knew to do.  You acted on the best advice that you had.  What more could you have done?

I am so very fortunate.  I just went through a bout of pancreatitis with Hekitty, and she bounced right back.  My own vet team (there are several doctors in the practice) was very responsive to my concerns and questions, did extra tests that I requested or explained in detail why they weren't necessary, and the techs, who handle most of the phone contacts, were patient and loving towards both my cat and myself.  I could have, and could in the future, face the same choice that you did.  Grant me the strength to do well by my girl. 

I'm hugging you in my heart.

So sorry you are going through this and my condolences, please don't blame yourself, you did the best you could for your baby, letting him go so he won't suffer anymore. We felt that guilt and asking ourselves "what if"  "why I decided this and that" its very hard to make that final decision but we have no choice

Please take care of yourself and your beloved hubby...

Rest in peace dear Sam...

You did the right thing. Your cat looked like death and was suffering g immensely. There was no coming back from that. No chance. No what ifs. What ifs are normal everyone does them. But from what you have said, absolutely no way anything could have been done and you helped end your cats suffering. Being alive would have been far worse as it was suffering immensely. It wouldn't have lasted anymore than two hours max based on what you described

You're not alone. I know how you feel! Worst feeling in the world to endure and one of the worst things to experience in life. Losing my cat was the worst thing to ever happen to me and like you I regretted putting my baby to sleep. It destroyed me. I'm doing michb better now, it happened in July 2014. Took me a year to start to feel somewhat normal and that doesn't mean the pain wasn't there or id not regret what I did or I wouldn't cry and feel like ****. I cried tonight for him which led me back on this site.

It gets better. But you did the right thing

Hello...I can completely identify with your feelings of guilt. I had a cat who just recently died of lymphoma. Lymphoma is pretty much a death sentence for cats, even if they are treated with chemo. I put my cat through chemo and force feedings and even got a hydration pack to keep her hydrated and comfortable when she stopped eating and drinking. The chemo worked for a little while and then suddenly she got sicker than she had ever been before...she completely transformed from a healthy happy cat to a skinny, weak and fragile little thing and i kept feeding her and trying to get her better until the end...and then I woke up one morning and found her dead behind the bathroom door. I tried everything and she still died. I always wonder if it would have been better for her not to have experienced any of that suffering. If I had her euthanized she would have died in my arms with me holding her and telling her how much I loved her instead of unexpectedly in the bathroom. I have an enormous sense of guilt. I can totally relate and I am so sorry for your loss...even if you had put him through chemo or any other type of treatment the outcome probably would have been the same...you probably spared him from alot of pain. And seeing that he was at deaths door, euthanasia was probably the right decision. You obviously loved him very much and I'm sure he loved you.

I am sorry for your loss, what you did was brave, what you did was selfless. What you did was take all the pain and suffering from your friend and transferred it to yourself.

There  is a beautiful post on this site; I found it profoundly beautiful and touching http://www.thecatsite.com/t/237066/when-the-moment-comes#post_3127426 

I hope you find comfort 

That was beautiful...thank you very much

I'm very sorry for your loss of Sam.