Struggling with feelings of guilt- Please help :(

Hi, everyone. I'm a lurker here for the most part but I really need someone to talk to. Wednesday night we had to put my best friend, my world, Sam down. It was a choice we made and I am in such unbearable pain from the loss and guilt. He was 13.

Background: Sam had digestive issues from an early age, symptoms of vomiting and diarrhea that cams and went but alwAys cleared up on his own. Fast forward to 2 years ago when he developed a very bad case of pancreatitis. He did recover but barely. Deep down over the years I had suspicions of IBD but blood work was always perfect and when I questioned vets they always brushed off the IBD thoughts as not chronic enough to check for that yet (I thought so but apparently they didn't). I did everything I knew to do... Switched him immediately to a raw diet and that did help for awhile but eventually over the past couple years he became listless, lost weight (he was never overweight so didn't have a lot to lose) decreased appetite and much active. Going outside his box (pooping), general symptoms of gastric distress. Brought him in again Tuesday morning when he could not longer hold down food and wasn't popping either. X-rays were fine but she did say there was a ton of gas in his intestines (nothing uncommon for him) and his liver was slightly inflamed. Blood work revealed nothing but elevated liver levels, and because of that, she didn't want to give him a steroid quite yet because of how hard it is on the liver. Sent us home with Metronidazole. He ate a little that night but I could tell he was miserable and not making much progress. Over the past two weeks or so, before the acute symptoms, he had been sleeping in odd places, away from us and seemed to want to be left alone.

Anyway, Wednesday morning I come downstairs and he's sitting outside his box, drooling all the way to the floor and letting out horrific yowls. I knew something was so wrong, he kept wanting to poop but couldn't. Rushed him immediately to the vet, she thought he was constipated so gave him an enema that helped him poop. He stayed at the vet for about 5 hours to be monitored. When I picked him up he looked like death. Far worse than when I had brought him in, but it could easily have been attributed to the stress of the vet office. 3 hours later, Sam is panting so heavily and drooling on the floor of our bedroom... It literally looked as if he was dying. Scooped him up of course and ran to the emergency room. He was in septic shock they said and his temp was 92 degrees (hypothermic). They couldn't even get a blood pressure reading. He was alive but barely.

They told me that they could try to get him better, do everything they could, but it was up to us. They suspected a bacterial infection in his intestines (due to uncontrolled IBD likely) had traveled outside his organs into his body and made him septic. She did not say one way or another but she kept saying to me "he is a very very sick kitty". In the end we chose to end his suffering as he was barely alive (but had the possibility of recovery). She did mention the possibility of lymphoma as well.

Sorry this has been long winded. I am dealing with horrific feelings of guilt for not insisting on an ultrasound earlier to get IBD officially diagnosed and treated. He went from normal (with some IBD symptoms) to death's door within 2 days. It's been unbearable pain, mostly from guilt, for my husband and I. Should we have tried to save him? If he DID make it, then put him thru a battery of tests and medications the rest of his life? I couldn't bear the thought of him going thru that. He was scared to death of the vet and I knew was extremely tired and not himself from suffering for so long with these symptoms. They did get better with the raw food but ultimately caused a huge problem a few days ago. I am beyond devestated and am questioning whether I should have told them to do whatever possible to keep him alive and get him better. Would that have been for me or for him? Quality of his life was my number 1 concern, not money or the amount of care he'd need. Who knows what would have happened if they could have gotten him out of the severe shock he was in. He was limp as a rag doll, with very little life in him. But still... What if? Maybe he could have then gotten a proper diagnosis and treated but it also could have been lymphoma. Please someone help reassure me I did the right thing at the time. My boy is gone and I'm heartbroken.

It is obvious to me how much you loved Sam. I have had to put down to senior cats that I had since they were born and I understand your pain.  I also believe that you made this very difficult decision out of love.  You did everything you could for Sam.  It seems like he was really suffering and his quality of life was no longer good.  It is all to easy to focus on the what-if's after a loss.  You said Sam was terrified of going to the vets so I honestly believe you saved him from having to be scared for whatever time he may have had left.  No one is ever ready to say goodbye to their babies.  My seniors had strokes and the prognosis was not good. Sure there was a slim chance that if I spent enough money they could have made some recovery. However, even if that had happened they would not have been able to do many of the things they enjoyed doing.  I made my decision to let them go based on the fact that they would not have enjoyed the quality of life in their time that may have been left.  Letting go of our babies is a final act of kindness because it means that you are not going to allow them to continue to suffer for you.

I really believe you did do the right thing and the pain you are feeling shows that.  Grief is a process and we all experience it in different ways.  Even though I know how hard it is to say goodbye please know that you have nothing to feel guilty about.  You were there for your baby till the very end and that is what matters. Feeling guilty is a part of the grief process but it does not mean that you did anything wrong.  I too went through this after I lost my boys and I can say it will get easier and over time the feelings of sadness get replaced with the happiness of the memories you shared.  I wish I could tell you how long this will take but no one can since this is a journey we all move through differently.  I wish I could reach through my computer and give you a hug.

Guilt is a natural part of the grieving process. Rest assured, you did the right thing. If I found my cat suffering the way you say Sam was, I would have him put to sleep too, no question about it. It's one thing to make that choice for yourself--to say, I will fight through this, no matter the pain, and try to get better. It's another thing entirely to make that choice for another being. And in such a case, I always think that instead of putting the animals I love through extended pain and suffering, in the hopes they will get better, I would rather their suffering be decreased as much as possible. It's not about me at that point, it's about what is best for them. And it sounds like what was best for Sam was letting him go. He had a good, long life, and I am sure he is at peace now. You did a good thing. 

Thank you. The part I struggle so much with is the lack of closure. All I really wish someone had ever said to me was "this is what it was, and there was nothing you could have done." I feel guilty that he maybe COULD have pulled thru and we could have gotten a proper diagnosis and medication. And we'd have him back.

It is hard not knowing exactly what happened but sometimes there are just no exact answers.  One of my friends had a young cat that went from perfectly healthy to dying in a matter of minutes.  There were no symptoms at all he was healthy one minute the next minute he was walking around making god awful noises like he was in pain.  Her hubby went to get a carrier to put the cat in so they could take him to the vet and by the time he brought the carrier up from the basement their 2 year old cat had passed away.  They still to this day have no idea what happened to him.  Her husband blamed himself initially for not checking on the cat before he went to get the cat carrier.  She blamed herself for being in the bathroom when this happened.  It sucks but sometimes there are no easy answers.

Another one of my friends had a young healthy cat pass away in his sleep with no warning.  She blamed herself because she traveled a lot for work and felt that maybe she missed a health issue.  I was her cat-sitter and spent hours hanging out with her cats every day while she was out of town.  When she kept trying to blame herself I turned the tables and told her that it was my fault because as her cat-sitter I am responsible for her fur babies while she is away from home.  Once I started saying this she slowly realized that she had no control over what happened.  I too felt guilty but I realized over time that there was nothing I missed that could have prevented it from happening.  

My senior cat Claude had his stroke while I was out visiting a friend.  I was unemployed at the time and was usually home all day. It took me months to work through the what if's.  What if I had been home when it happened and got him to the vet sooner?  What if I had been home and noticed something was off and was able to get him to the vet before he had a stroke.  My hubby went through this too.  He worked late the day.  He wondered if things would have been different if he had left work on time.  Claude passed away in 2010 and his brother passed away in 2012.  I still have my days where what if's creep in to my thoughts but I have learned over time that I have to accept the fact that nothing will bring them back to me alive.  I choose to remember the happy times we shared together.  This took me a while and there are still hard days.   Last night I was copying picture files to a new computer and I saw some pictures of Claude showering and we both wound up in tears for a little while but then we started talking about how much he enjoyed his showers.  This was a big factor in our decision to end his suffering because this was a huge quality of life issue. After the stroke he could not get on to the tub to take his shower.  He could not get out of the tub either if he wanted to.  He lived for his shower time with us.

Yes having an exact diagnosis may make it easier for you to work through what happened but I really don't think it would have changed the outcome.  The bottom line you made a decision to end Sam's suffering because you needed to for Sam's sake..  Having more information can not always fix things.  Sometimes no matter how much time and money you spend trying to fix things there is just nothing that can be done.  Your baby is at peace now and is no longer suffering and no matter how painful it is to us as humans it is the final gift we can give our fur kids.