No going back

Last night I had to say goodbye to 1 of my babies.  

He was 1 of my children I can't believe it as I type this.  My brain or heart doesn't want to register that it's actually true and that we will never see him again.  Pika has been a huge part of our family for 15 years.  I sincerely cannot believe it.  Feels like my heart has been ripped out.

We had to take him to the vet about 3 weeks ago for an injury he sustained on 1 of his back legs and again on Monday night for an injury which looked like a car had hit his face (thats the only thing that could be derived from the injury although it didn't look VERY bad) 

Pika has been displaying weird behavior like lying in the middle of the road (our road gets quite busy) and also refusing to move when we want to pull into our garage.  He had started walking very weird (vet said X-ray showed that his spine was riddled with arthritis)  

BUT

He never complained, he still walked our stairs, he still jumped up on the couches, our beds.. 

So I am asking myself after reading other people's stories about their cats been unable to do these things.. DID WE DO THE RIGHT THING???????  I feel that I shouldn't have agreed. 

The vet told me that he is suffering and that she needs to be firm with me and tell me that that is what we should do..  My children made the call as I was too weak to do it.  They kept saying that it's cruel and that he has been suffering for some time now. 

But I can't stop thinking that maybe he could've gotten better..he NEVER complained ONCE!  He wanted to be around me all the time for the past few months.  and that it can never be undone.  That life will never be the same again.  That we will never see him again. 

I am eaten up with guilt.  Also, I only went to see him on the Tuesday night and then again last night.  When he heard my voice on Tuesday he started purring loudly.  He knew I was there.  I didn't go on Wednesday. What if my not going caused him to give up?  

There is a part of me the is grateful that myself and my son were with him when he went to sleep.away. because since his habit of lying in the road, we were so worried that we would find him knocked over.  and be left with that picture of him.  We used to make jokes and say "Pika is trying to commit suicide"  because of refusing to move out of the way.

If he was suffering you did the right thing. It's a very hard decision to make but it's the right one. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Thank you

It sounds like he was suffering and thus you made a very difficult but ultimately kind and humane decision.  Cats are masters of hiding pain and discomfort, so it is not surprising that you would recall that he never complained.  A cat that shows you truly visible signs of pain is in very severe pain indeed.

It is normal to second guess such a decision, or even a decision the other way, to not do it.  I cared for one cat who was euthanized at age 17-18.  In hindsight, I go through any number of things thinking we didn't do enough for her.  It doesn't keep me up at night after several years, but I haven't forgotten. And I cared for one cat who died at home at age 17.  She had kidney disease and congestive heart failure at the end, we were doing syringe feeding, and I continue to wonder if we kept her on too long and she was suffering too much.  We weren't purposely waiting for her to pass at home; to us it was still, well, "sudden" might be strong word given her illnesses but unexpected certainly.  This was over 2 years ago now as well but she was my companion for effectively all of her 17 years, and I still think about what happened.

My condolences on the loss of your long-time family member.  Hang in there.  The raw feelings will fade, with time.

Snassy said:

 
Last night I had to say goodbye to 1 of my babies.

The vet told me that he is suffering and that she needs to be firm with me and tell me that that is what we should do..  My children made the call as I was too weak to do it.  They kept saying that it's cruel and that he has been suffering for some time now.

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Hi Snassy,

Sorry for what you are going through, its rough.  As humans, we are able to make out living wills to outline what kind of care we want, whether we want to receive fluids, or pain meds, or food supplements, or be kept alive by machines... but as humans, we have to make those decisions before we are put in that position - and when you reach that point, how do you know thats really how you are going to feel?  I tell ya, I have a living will, when its my time to go, I am ready to go. No heroics... no machines keeping me alive. Still doesn't mean I want my kids to push my wheelchair out in front of a moving train!  I want them to love me and want me to live...

It seems for animals, Euthanasia is not just a choice.  When our Alex had CRF (chronic renal failure) our vet pressured us too, sometimes telling us she had only days, if not hours to live and she surprised us, and him, many times... but each time she rallied to a little lesser state of health.  My daughter took her to vet and they set the date... the date came and the cat was nowhere to be found.  I know our cat had pain... but  I also  know she had a very strong will to live, through her pain, and to enjoy each day on earth in spite of it.  We did not euthanize Alex... she had parts of her days she enjoyed until the very end.  Her function on this earth was to love and be loved, and we did that.  She was also an indoor only cat, my daughter and I worked different shifts so she always had a human home with her... Everybody's situation is different.  If she had been an indoor outdoor animal, nature would most likely have done her in long before that point... and she would have slunk off to die on her own, alone.  Thats what animal do.  You would feel equally as terrible if you came home and found Pika smushed in the roadway, and an innocent driver would be riddled with guilt too.  If Pika just decided to go off and die under a bush, you would still be feeling guitly about not being there, or wondering if she was in pain, or crying, or missing you or just how she was at the state of her death... Death isn't easy! The pain we feel at death is the price we pay for the love we feel through out their life.

When making a decision about something like Euthanasia, we all can only do the best we can do.  When a loved one, human or animal, dies, it always leaves an empty spot... things we wish we could have said, wanting just one more day, wondering if we could have done enough, but life is for the living.  No sense regretting a decion that is over.

Your vet saw things on those x-rays and tests, that with experience, knew your cat was suffering. He didn't move out of the way most likely because he couldn't go any further. And being hit by a car is not a way any living being should have to go. Pika's passing will leave a huge hole in your heart and in your home, the loneliness and pain of those first few weeks is numbing at best. I hope that with time you will know that you did the right thing, you would never want him to suffer, you loved him too much for that. It takes the supreme act of love to end that suffering, and he knew you loved him and cared about him, and that is all he ever wanted, I'm sure it comforted him at the end. Please know he would never want you to be so sad when you think of him, but try to celebrate the love you two shared. He'll comfort you in your dreams, and the bond you had is something that even death can never destroy. Know you are not alone in your grief, take care...... RIP sweet Pika, you will never be forgotten and will forever be held in a loving heart!

2bcat said:

 
It sounds like he was suffering and thus you made a very difficult but ultimately kind and humane decision.  Cats are masters of hiding pain and discomfort, so it is not surprising that you would recall that he never complained.  A cat that shows you truly visible signs of pain is in very severe pain indeed.

It is normal to second guess such a decision, or even a decision the other way, to not do it.  I cared for one cat who was euthanized at age 17-18.  In hindsight, I go through any number of things thinking we didn't do enough for her.  It doesn't keep me up at night after several years, but I haven't forgotten. And I cared for one cat who died at home at age 17.  She had kidney disease and congestive heart failure at the end, we were doing syringe feeding, and I continue to wonder if we kept her on too long and she was suffering too much.  We weren't purposely waiting for her to pass at home; to us it was still, well, "sudden" might be strong word given her illnesses but unexpected certainly.  This was over 2 years ago now as well but she was my companion for effectively all of her 17 years, and I still think about what happened.

My condolences on the loss of your long-time family member.  Hang in there.  The raw feelings will fade, with time.

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Thank you so much for your kind words and sharing your stories with me.  "Raw" that is exactly how I would describe what I'm feeling at this moment.  It just isn't real

Thank you Your words are so warm <3 You mentioned dreams.. I kept dreaming last night that he was with me and he was so happy, like he always was and I'd wake up over and over and realise that it was only a dream.  I've been telling myself that he came to me to show me that he is happy now.  

This is SO HARD!!! 

I am so grateful to have found this site and found you wonderful people who can relate and have such comforting words.  THANK YOU

So sorry for your loss. Glad you are here