Question re second marriages

Winchester

In the kitchen with my cookies
Thread starter
Veteran
Joined
Aug 28, 2009
Messages
29,730
Purraise
28,024
Location
In the kitchen
My nephew is getting married for the second time. Both he and his fiance were married before, both have children, and they've been living together since late last year. They recently bought a gorgeous house down around the Chesapeake Bay area and are getting married in December. We are going down for the wedding and are staying for the weekend at a local hotel in the area. We did that for his first wedding as well. We're driving down and my brother and SIL will go with us.

I just received my bridal shower invitation and was told where she has registered (Williams Sonoma). Now, I don't know if it's just me, but I have an "issue" with this. Do people go all out for the second wedding like they did for the first one? With the bridal showers and all that? This is a bridal shower brunch on a Sunday morning. I talked to my SIL last night; she is not going as she thinks it's a little on the tacky side, as do I, to be honest. We spent a small fortune for the last shower and wedding, plus a weekend at a hotel so that we could attend. Same thing this time. I don't have a problem with the wedding and we're going to attend, plus spend the weekend. I do have a problem with this huge bridal shower though. 

But I don't want to do anything that will upset my sister either. And I'm thinking that if I don't go, it could cause some problems. But it's pretty much an all-day affair because it will take well over 3 hours just to get there, spend the time there, and then another 3+ hours to drive back home. I don't want to go. Do they go all out for second marriages now? My understanding is this is going to be every bit as lavish as the first one, although on a slightly smaller scale. Would it be OK, do you think, to not attend the shower, send my regrets (email, which is what they want), and then spend a bit more on the wedding present to compensate? Or send the shower gift along with my sister? I'm at a loss for now.
 

jcat

Mo(w)gli's can opener
Veteran
Joined
Feb 13, 2003
Messages
73,213
Purraise
9,851
Location
Mo(w)gli Monster's Lair
Would it be OK, do you think, to not attend the shower, send my regrets (email, which is what they want), and then spend a bit more on the wedding present to compensate?
Yes! Expecting somebody to drive 6 or 7 hours just for a shower would be silly. It wouldn't surprise me if the invitation were more pro forma than anything.

Just about all the second weddings we've attended have been low-key affairs, with no shower or immediate family and very close friends only. It's not like the bride and/or groom don't have the basics already
 

blueyedgirl5946

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Sep 10, 2005
Messages
14,593
Purraise
1,695
I think one gift would be sufficient. Send the card stating your regrets about the shower. :nod:
 

swampwitch

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Sep 30, 2006
Messages
7,753
Purraise
158
Location
Tall Trees & Cold Seas Vancouver Island
 
Do people go all out for the second wedding like they did for the first one? With the bridal showers and all that? 

Do they go all out for second marriages now?

Would it be OK, do you think, to not attend the shower, send my regrets (email, which is what they want), and then spend a bit more on the wedding present to compensate? Or send the shower gift along with my sister? I'm at a loss for now.
Yes, yes, and yes. Sometimes we don't get it right the first time, but should still get to celebrate when we do find the right person. If one person had a civil ceremony before, they might like to have a real wedding, or maybe the couple are just really happy together and want their friends and family to share in their happiness. 

Traditionally, a person is not obligated to go to a shower, or give a shower gift if they don't attend.  A gift is mandatory, though, if attending the shower, since that's the purpose of it. If the shower invitation states "no gifts"  then it's just a party, not a shower, and there's nothing wrong with that. Wedding gifts are never mandatory, for first or second weddings or beyond. 

Thank goodness life allows you a second chance on finding happiness with someone. It would be sad if everyone got only one shot at it.
 
Last edited:
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #6

Winchester

In the kitchen with my cookies
Thread starter
Veteran
Joined
Aug 28, 2009
Messages
29,730
Purraise
28,024
Location
In the kitchen
No, the bridal shower invitation is not pro forma. It wasn't for the first wedding shower and it was at least that long of a drive. I went with my sister to that one because I was having knee problems back then and didn't drive that far; that's how I know it's pretty much an all-day thing. It's the drive, then the shower, then the drive home. If I go with my sister, it's a long, drawn-out affair. And I won't drive that far by myself.

For the first one, my sister was quite put-out with my SIL because she did not attend that one either. That's why I'm leery of not attending this one.

I think I will send my regrets tonight. I don't think I will send a gift. We can splurge a bit on the wedding gift to make up for not buying a shower gift.

His first wedding was a huge lavish affair. Rehearsal dinner at a lovely winery (we were invited to that as well), wedding at a very fancy resort. Honeymoon to Tahiti. So far, while this wedding will be smaller, it will be every bit as lavish as the first one.
 

denice

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Feb 7, 2006
Messages
18,836
Purraise
13,144
Location
Columbus OH
I don't think anyone is obligated to attend a shower or buy a gift for the shower.

At one time the second or subsequent wedding was a small low key affair but that doesn't seem to be true anymore.  There was a short period there where the bride wasn't supposed to wear a veil unless it was a first wedding but everything else was fine.  I don't think that is even true anymore.
 

sivyaleah

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Dec 16, 2011
Messages
6,259
Purraise
5,222
Location
New Jersey
Being as I was married twice already (and divorced same oops) I'll chime in.

A) I did NOT have a bridal shower either time.  I thought it tacky to expect people to come up with two gifts.

B) I had a fancy wedding both times, although the 2nd one was far smaller in size and overall tone.  It was his 1st time, so bowing to some tradition seemed fair (he really did enjoy the whole wedding planning process unlike a lot of other men).

C) It's fine to decline the shower and not send a gift. My opinion anyway.  

FYI - probably at some point, there will be a 3rd wedding for me.  I hope for it to be my last (first was just a bad decision, 2nd went sour although on the surface it appeared ok).  Tom and I don't "have" to, but he wants to (his 2nd marriage, but that was when he was pretty much still a kid) and I do enjoy being officially attached.  Plus at our age the benefits of it outweigh the negatives.  If we do, we'll probably just do a city hall ceremony and go on vacation alone.  I wouldn't dream of asking anyone to another wedding let alone all the expense which goes along with it.  Not like we're young and in need of gifts of any kind.
 

MoochNNoodles

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
36,646
Purraise
23,465
Location
Where my cats are
I think these days people do pretty much whatever they want.  My cousin's wedding last summer was her 2nd; but his first. So their big deal affair seemed more sensible to me.  Plus; they paid for it themselves. Sometimes it depends on the people; in how a 2nd big affair is perceived.  I'm not TOO familiar with the Williams-Sonoma store; but first impressions say they'd be out of my typical price range for shopping so i sure wouldn't be looking for gifts from there specifically.  That kind of bothers me the most about it to be honest; especially being a 2nd wedding.

Big 2nd affairs do bother me in some ways because some people do expect more than they should in the gift department.  If someone wants to give a certain way; from their heart, they should.  But to feel obligated to buy expensive things (which some people cannot afford) is just wrong. I received one wedding invitation that specified cash only for gifts.  They had a registry; that I had bought from.  Nice huh?  Now I did have a 2nd baby shower.  I also had a registry both times.  The 2nd was a much smaller affair; at my mother's house with home made food.  We were gifted a LOT of pink things for our DD from my niece.  Also my family; who lives out of the area, wanted specifics.  Most of the gifts were diapers, baby wipes, and boy clothing.  I think otherwise it was some baby linens and bottles.  Nothing crazy.  All were much appreciated!  I have gone to baby showers for my friends 2nd and 3rd babies that were handled the same.  They were more about celebrating the new baby coming than supplying the parents with stuff.  

If you send a gift for the shower; I would consider just doing something sentimental.  You could include a personal note and mail it to them ahead of time.  My absolute favorite gift from my bridal shower was the cookbook my Aunt put together with family recipes.  She bought a spiral bound journal and hand wrote a lot in there and left room in each section to add more.  That is the first thing I pull out when the holidays come around!  She noted where recipes came from; if they were favorites of a certain person and tips for the recipe.  Its just the sweetest thing and it cost her time more than money!
 

Kat0121

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Feb 23, 2014
Messages
15,036
Purraise
20,362
Location
Sunny Florida
 
I think these days people do pretty much whatever they want.  My cousin's wedding last summer was her 2nd; but his first. So their big deal affair seemed more sensible to me.  Plus; they paid for it themselves. Sometimes it depends on the people; in how a 2nd big affair is perceived.  I'm not TOO familiar with the Williams-Sonoma store; but first impressions say they'd be out of my typical price range for shopping so i sure wouldn't be looking for gifts from there specifically.  That kind of bothers me the most about it to be honest; especially being a 2nd wedding.

Big 2nd affairs do bother me in some ways because some people do expect more than they should in the gift department.  If someone wants to give a certain way; from their heart, they should.  But to feel obligated to buy expensive things (which some people cannot afford) is just wrong. I received one wedding invitation that specified cash only for gifts.  They had a registry; that I had bought from.  Nice huh?  Now I did have a 2nd baby shower.  I also had a registry both times.  The 2nd was a much smaller affair; at my mother's house with home made food.  We were gifted a LOT of pink things for our DD from my niece.  Also my family; who lives out of the area, wanted specifics.  Most of the gifts were diapers, baby wipes, and boy clothing.  I think otherwise it was some baby linens and bottles.  Nothing crazy.  All were much appreciated!  I have gone to baby showers for my friends 2nd and 3rd babies that were handled the same.  They were more about celebrating the new baby coming than supplying the parents with stuff.  

If you send a gift for the shower; I would consider just doing something sentimental.  You could include a personal note and mail it to them ahead of time.  My absolute favorite gift from my bridal shower was the cookbook my Aunt put together with family recipes.  She bought a spiral bound journal and hand wrote a lot in there and left room in each section to add more.  That is the first thing I pull out when the holidays come around!  She noted where recipes came from; if they were favorites of a certain person and tips for the recipe.  Its just the sweetest thing and it cost her time more than money!
I agree. People do whatever they want and always will. i guess it's up to the guests to decide what they want to give and when as well. 

We're not really living in an Emily Post kind of world anymore where you got married once and that was it. Wedding etiquette has to change with the times. Personally, if I were ever to get married again (highly doubtful), it would probably be an elopement to someplace like Paris. No gifts would be expected other than good wishes. 

Baby showers are completely different. New babies bring new needs. You can use the pots and pans from your first marriage in your second one. Baby #2 can't use baby #1's old diapers. 
 
 

stewball

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Sep 11, 2013
Messages
11,747
Purraise
809
Location
Tel Aviv
No, the bridal shower invitation is not pro forma. It wasn't for the first wedding shower and it was at least that long of a drive. I went with my sister to that one because I was having knee problems back then and didn't drive that far; that's how I know it's pretty much an all-day thing. It's the drive, then the shower, then the drive home. If I go with my sister, it's a long, drawn-out affair. And I won't drive that far by myself.

For the first one, my sister was quite put-out with my SIL because she did not attend that one either. That's why I'm leery of not attending this one.

I think I will send my regrets tonight. I don't think I will send a gift. We can splurge a bit on the wedding gift to make up for not buying a shower gift.

His first wedding was a huge lavish affair. Rehearsal dinner at a lovely winery (we were invited to that as well), wedding at a very fancy resort. Honeymoon to Tahiti. So far, while this wedding will be smaller, it will be every bit as lavish as the first one.
I think you're quite right in your way of thinking. Besides you shouldn't HAVE to do what you're not comfortable with.
Decline the shower gracefully, which I know you will do, and splash out a little bit more on a blender! Joke.
Don't let your sister bully you either.
 

kkoerner

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Joined
May 25, 2015
Messages
544
Purraise
320
Location
Dallas, Tx
I agree. People do whatever they want and always will. i guess it's up to the guests to decide what they want to give and when as well. 

We're not really living in an Emily Post kind of world anymore where you got married once and that was it. Wedding etiquette has to change with the times. Personally, if I were ever to get married again (highly doubtful), it would probably be an elopement to someplace like Paris. No gifts would be expected other than good wishes. 

Baby showers are completely different. New babies bring new needs. You can use the pots and pans from your first marriage in your second one. Baby #2 can't use baby #1's old diapers. :lol3:  
Unless they are cloth diapers! :-D
 

margecat

Mentor
Staff Member
Mentor
Joined
Oct 11, 2006
Messages
5,208
Purraise
2,556
How convenient that you'll be on a cruise that day. 
 
 

The proper etiquette says that second weddings should be low-key, and you are not required to give a gift, nor should there be a bridal shower. However, nowadays, people seemed to have forgotten the rules.

Another pet peeve: families hosting showers. That's another etiquette thing. The rationale: it seems as if the family is begging for gifts, money, etc. for a family member. Showers are supposed to be hosted by friends, co-workers, etc.  It probably comes from the days when people gave very expensive gifts, such as silver.
 
Last edited:
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #14

Winchester

In the kitchen with my cookies
Thread starter
Veteran
Joined
Aug 28, 2009
Messages
29,730
Purraise
28,024
Location
In the kitchen
 
How convenient that you'll be on a cruise that day. 
 
 
Indeed! 
 

My sister and I gave the baby showers for her daughter and for her DIL, too. They wanted to have baby showers in our area for our relatives as both her daughter and her DIL live quite a distance away from here. We knew we really weren't supposed to do it, but several relatives had asked what we were doing for the girls, so we just went ahead and had them. It was either that or drive for over 3 hours to the baby showers in their areas hosted by their friends and we knew that none of our relatives would make that drive. In the long run, this was easier.
 

denice

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Feb 7, 2006
Messages
18,836
Purraise
13,144
Location
Columbus OH
I still think the idea of a shower for a second or subsequent marriage is tacky, I guess I am old fashioned.  Some kind of party without gifts is fine but I think expecting gifts for a second marriage is tacky.  The idea behind a shower is to help a young couple with the things they need to start a household.  Even that is a bit antiquated.  Most brides now don't go from living with their parents to marriage so they have a lot of things for setting up a household already but it is a nice tradition for a first marriage.  I just feel like going back to friends and family for gifts a second time is just wrong.  
 

betsygee

Just what part of meow don't you understand.
Staff Member
Moderator
Joined
Mar 17, 2013
Messages
28,330
Purraise
17,461
Location
Central Coast CA, USA
I know somebody who held a wedding shower--and registered for gifts--for her FIFTH wedding!  
   Now that's tacky.  
 

larussa

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jan 28, 2007
Messages
4,899
Purraise
71
Location
Central New Jersey
If you don't want to go, don't go.  You should not be forced to go anywhere you don't want to or feel comfortable doing.  That's a lot of driving back and forth.  I know we all do things to satisfy our family members but sometimes it goes just too far.  They will get over it sooner or later.

Second marriages should be celebrated but downplayed.  After all, you're telling everyone that your first marriage didn't work, don't celebrate the failure.  That's my opinion.
 

natalie_ca

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jul 2, 2006
Messages
21,136
Purraise
223
Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
 
My nephew is getting married for the second time. Both he and his fiance were married before, both have children, and they've been living together since late last year. They recently bought a gorgeous house down around the Chesapeake Bay area and are getting married in December.
 
I just received my bridal shower invitation and was told where she has registered (Williams Sonoma). Now, I don't know if it's just me, but I have an "issue" with this. Do people go all out for the second wedding like they did for the first one? With the bridal showers and all that? This is a bridal shower brunch on a Sunday morning
Similar situation to what I experienced last year, only without the travel and hotel.

My Brother had been living with a girl for 20 years. They have a house that is almost paid for. It was his house and when he met her and they moved in together, he added her to the title of the house. Both had been married before.  They have a car, lovely furniture, whole remodel of their house after a fire, new appliances etc. They travel. Have money in the bank for their retirement. Certainly not wanting for anything.

Last year they decided they didn't know what to call each other. At their age (50's), boyfriend/girlfriend sounded weird, and partner sounded strange to them, and since they weren't actually married by ceremony, they felt husband/wife wasn't appropriate, so they decided to get married!  Both had been married in the past.

Her Sister decided that she needed to have a bridal shower. It was done in the party room of the Sister's condo building. Just close friends and mostly family. They registered for gifts at a couple of places. Had the party catered (finger foods). Some people brought food. I brought cupcakes.

They got all kinds of things...towels, kitchen gadgets, small kitchen appliances etc.  I didn't buy a gift.  They had asked me to make them a wedding cake and I agreed. I told them that the cake would be my gift to them. And what a costly gift it was!  Had they gone out and bought the cake they would have paid $400 for it. Plus I bought a cake topper for them to keep as a momento.

A year later and my Brother tells me that most of what they got from the shower is sitting downstairs in the basement because they have no room for it. Talk about a waste of people's money.  If they knew they weren't going to be using the stuff, they should have told the Sister that they didn't want to have the shower instead of eagerly going along with it like they did.

I don't think it's appropriate to go all out for a second marriage. Especially if the couple have been together 20 years and have firmly established roots.
 

Kat0121

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Feb 23, 2014
Messages
15,036
Purraise
20,362
Location
Sunny Florida
 
I don't think it's appropriate to go all out for a second marriage. Especially if the couple have been together 20 years and have firmly established roots.
I agree with that. If you're getting married for the second time or whatever and you know you already have what you need, tell people no gifts. If I were to marry again, I'd probably do the in lieu of gifts,  please make a donation to Alley Cat Allies or a similar organization. I do not need more stuff. 
 
Top