I need to vent

You don't even have to respond. I just need to vent.

Since Rick's father passed away, we've been having some problems with his mother. Evidently, she seems to think that she can just pretty much do whatever she wants and we're supposed to go around picking up the pieces from everything. And I have had it. She's either 95 or she's going to be 95 in October, I always forget. Anyway, she knows she can drive to her bridge club, but that's pretty much it. She's been driving here and there; Rick and his sister know it, but they've let it go. She does have women coming in at  times during the week, but she always says there's really nothing for them to do. So she's paying them to not do all that much. Well, that's because we do it. We run her errands, I work on the house, I work on laundry, etc. I cook and we take it up to her. Once the weather cools down and we're not outside so much on weekends, we will have her down for dinner or have dinner with her at the house. It's not enough. It's never enough.

Yesterday Rick's sister was to take her to the bank. She called his sister and said that she'd just drive herself. And they let it go at that. She managed to get down the steps of the back porch and made it into the garage, where she fell. She didn't have her walker, she didn't have her cane, she wasn't wearing her alert button. (She said she didn't think she needed anything! Really???? Of all the bonehead moves!) So there she laid on the concrete. For about two hours. She would yell, but nobody heard her. Finally, when the UPS guy made a delivery next door, he heard her yelling for help and he ran over. Called the ambulance and she ended up in the ER. After tests and such, the doctor said she was lucky she didn't break her arm, but it was badly bruised and they'd bandage it up for her and she could go home. Meanwhile she tells Rick's sister, "Well, as long as I'm already in trouble, I might as well tell you that my legs are tingling." And Rick's sister flipped out. She immediately went to the doctor and told her what was going on. Tingling is not good. So then they ran more tests.

She was admitted late last night (That's how long it took. She was in the ER all day) for overnight monitoring. They think she might need a pacemaker. We don't know what's going to happen at this point.

Rick spent the night at his mom's house to stay with Jackie (the beagle) because Jackie completely flips out when she's alone. As it is, she's going to be alone today for quite a while. Rick has a dentist appt so he's leaving work early and will stop off at the house to take Jackie outside before his appt. I assume he'll be spending the night at the house again tonight. At this point, we have no idea what to do with the dog. Earlier on, we had decided that, when it became necessary, we'd just take her. But that was before Rick realized that she is truly a wild woman when she's alone. And when somebody does come back home then, she just goes crazy. The howling and screaming is terrible.....you'd think the dog was being abused. (I was talking to Rick on his cell when he walked into the house. OMG, it was awful.) We can't deal with it; our cats can't deal with it. I don't know what we're going to do. She is 10, The thought of making her live with somebody else at her age makes us cringe. They took her out of the house over to the neighbor when Rick's dad passed, so she never got to realize what happened. She came back into the house and he was just gone. She still looks for him and it's been a few months now. Rick's mother doesn't really care for her all that much; she tolerates her more than anything. We go up to bathe her and we take her for vet appts and such. There are times when I'll visit and I'll just end up on the floor with her head in my lap. I think she's lonely.

But let me be honest; I do not want to deal with a dog. I just don't. We took Mom's cat (Muffin) in when Mom went to the nursing home and it has been trouble. Even though, I was very, very careful with introductions (Muffin lived in the computer room for at least six weeks) Muffin and Molli do not get along; they absolutely despise each other and, after three years, it has not gotten any better at all. We don't want to add a hysterical dog to the mix yet. We can't deal with it. Rick and I both work full time and the thought of coming home every single day to such hysteria is beyond me. I don't know what would happen with the cats; our cats, as a rule, are good with dogs. And Jackie has visited us before and everything has been fine. But she was visiting. And she went home. (And one time when she was at our house, Rick's dad didn't take her out when she wanted to go and she peed in the hallway. I can't have that.)

Rick is leaving for Vegas next week and he'll be gone a little over a week. Which, if we took Jackie, means that she's with me. I can do it if I have to. But I have to work. We don't know what to do with her when I'm at work....we don't know how it would affect our cats. I'll have to go home every day to try to walk her and hope she doesn't pee in the house. I just don't know what to do at this point. Rick tried to contact one of his mother's neighbors as the neighbor has taken Jackie in the past for a few hours here and there. But she has cats and one of her cats hates dogs with a passion. The cat never even comes in the house when Jackie is there. 

And that's not everything. It's just been one thing after another the last few months. About the time we think we have one problem cleared-up, two more crop up. Don't get me wrong. I dearly love Rick's mom. But since his father passed, she has gotten very demanding. The words "Please" and "Thank You" seem to have left her vocabulary. She wants things done. Now. And when we simply cannot do her chores when she wants them done, we know she's upset in no uncertain terms. Rick's sister finally had a long talk with her; she told her what I have often said about older people....That being old does not give anybody the right to be rude. It went in one ear and out the other. Her mantra has become, "Oh pooh! I'm an old woman." We hear that constantly. With a very dismissive hand wave. We also hear that she now has to watch her pennies. I get it. I do. But enough is enough and I can't deal with it anymore. She got upset because Rick was going to Vegas (he's going for union work; it's not vacation). He doesn't know what to do about the trip now. She's upset bc we're going to Canada...if we go now. Because nobody will be around if she needs something done. Rick's sister and BIL will still be here when we're gone. (But in October, we are going to the concert in Pittsburgh, just for overnight, and it's the same time that his sister and BIL were going to their cabin. Once we get closer to the time, we'll see how things go and who needs to cancel what.) We're trying to work with her. But she makes it difficult sometimes. And she fixates on things; maybe older people do that. But she'll keep calling us to tell us that we haven't done this yet or we shouldn't forget that something needs done. And when are we doing to do it?? She needs something from the grocery store and she needs me to go during my lunch break and then run it down to the house. Now. I don't anymore. If it can wait til Friday night or Saturday morning when we're running errands, then it can wait. She's not happy about it. But I do what I can.

She wants to stay in the house. Well, we understand that. But it's a two-story house with a basement. We don't know how she's going to manage this winter. I told Rick that we could try to figure something out that she could stay with us for a while. But we have a bi-level, so we have steps from the living room to the front door. And Rick's afraid she'd let the cats out; things happen. He doesn't want to take a chance. And frankly, he does not want her living with us. When I bring it up, the look I get from him is enough to keep me quiet. But we have to figure something out. 

At this point, we're waiting to see what the doctor says about the pacemaker. 

Thanks for reading. I needed to get it out.

You definitely can't let her get away with tyrannizing everybody. It would probably be even worse if she moved in with you, to be honest.

Have you tried leaving Jackie "alone" with the cats for short periods? It's worth a try. Sometimes the presence of another animal is enough to prevent separation anxiety.

that your m-i-l is okay

After talking to you last night and reading what you have posted here, do not have Evelyn live with you.  I'm sorry but that could make for a very unpleasant life.  Many in-laws living with married couples cause separations and even divorce, I know from experience, just don't do it.  Even Rick realizes that.

Besides Evelyn, I am a lot concerned about Jackie.  It seems it's always the animal that has no where to go and that is so sad.  I understand your concern about leaving Jackie with your furkids while you and Rick are working, there just has to be somebody who can care for her.  Jeannie doesn't work, why can't she take Jackie.  I never understood the reason that she cannot.  I think you said she has cats too but she is mostly home, so that could be an answer.

I just hope things work out for the best  for everybody concerned including Jackie. 

Pam, you know where I am

jcat said:

 It would probably be even worse if she moved in with you, to be honest.
 

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That was my thought too.  I don't think it would solve more problems than it creates.     As much as you want her well taken care of; Rick and your relationship needs a place of priority.  

Have you considered doggy daycare?  I'm not sure how expensive they are; but my cousin and her husband use one on the days they are both scheduled for a long day. Or is Jacky not good with other dogs?

My parents have and are going through something similar. Things have gotten much better after my grandma was moved to a senior home. It's very close to our house. My mom still runs errands for her and gets medication, but we don't have to worry about her getting hurt. The senior home isn't so much like the typical senior home - they call it assisted living and can receive as much as or as little help as she'd like. But I also understand getting a senior into a home is extremely difficult for a senior and not to mention things like being on a waiting list for months or even years at a time. I'm sure that it has been something you've thought about already. 

I think the idea of a doggy dare care or hiring a pet sitter to check in with the dog and cats is a great idea if ever it comes to you needing to take the dog in. 

I hope things turn out well and you find a good solution for your family, the dog and for your MIL.

Goodness, many many hugs coming your way my dear! We all hear ya   Vent away! Being a caretaker on average isn't easy on it's own, and made worse if the patient doesn't behave well for a variety of reasons (Lack of understanding because they never went through similar experiences in their life, excuses due to age or other respective handicaps or circumstance and like to play the card, entitlement/superiority complex, frustrations because they once had a vibrant life both physical and in mind and now feel trapped and "finished", or purely because that is their personality and they always had a difficult side to them, and so forth and so forth)
 

While it is a wonderful and important thing to respect our elders, it is true that the reverse is required too. It goes both ways!  Age is not a free pass to treat people poorly, so that sis is right. 


Sadly it isn't unusual, based on personal and close friend experiences   having otherwise brain-healthy seniors who believe it is alright to behave that way towards other people. 

(Would like to mention of course, that there many seniors who are absolutely delightful and fascinating people, so don't want to generalize!)



Anyhoo! Do as much as you can, while at the same time not feeling guilted by anyone or anything. Don't let nay-saying or badgering trickle and weigh you down if she complains beyond. You guys ARE doing a good job. An excellent job. If you have to put your foot down, and you have every logical right to do so, then do it. It does not equal abandonment or shame.



Not sure if it would help, but mayhaps private counseling/therapist may assist her? If something is bothering her, like the loss of her husband, and she is just taking it out on everyone as her way of dealing with loss. (Or who knows, maybe her late husband used to be a buffer) She might not be fond of the offer (Maybe even offended. And sometimes older generations are not the type that believe in opening up about feelings) but at least a seed can be sown. Might not even need to be a professional, could be a really good, calm and levelheaded friend, for example.
 

If any case, if absolutely nothing has been working, you will just have to continue standing your ground when required. 




 

MoochNNoodles said:

 
 As much as you want her well taken care of; Rick and your relationship needs a place of priority.  

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^This!




I do hope that little doggy will be Ok! Sad story with that one : / I'm sure there is something that can be done, just need a brief period to be able to clear some heads, relax, then figure something out.


Enough of my own babblyadviceresponse stuff, here is some more hugs   

Pam. Im so sorry you're having to deal with this. My mum cared for a friend of the family of a similar age to your MIL - and one with a similarly bloody-minded attitude too. We actually moved her halfway across the country so we could be close enough to help her after her daughter died. She never understood why she couldn't be the number one priority all the time. I spent time helping her too, so I know first hand how hard it can be. I agree with the others - do NOT have her move in with you. You and Rick both need a sanctuary just for yourselves to stay sane and keep doing what you're doing for her.

Jackie is more difficult. Beagles do have that very unique, ear splitting howl that is enough to drive anyone crazy. Provided she's well socialised, I do think doggy daycare could be a really good solution for the short term. If you were prepared/able to fund it, it might be worth trying D.A.P. diffusers for her - its the canine equivalent of Feliway. It's possible that that would bring her anxiety levels down by itself. I do have lots of other tricks to deal with separation anxiety issues in dogs (which is what I suspect is going on with Jackie). Just let me know if it would help.

I don't understand why your SIL can't take Jackie though - that really does seem like its the obvious solution. Your household has enough for-legged conflicts already!

I hope there's a peaceful middle ground to be found - for all your sakes :grphug:

My mother was in England.
My sister's Mil is in Israel.
They both had/have live-in ladies who do the looking after. They live with the aged person and mum is never alone. Is there anything like that in America Pam? It is very common in Israel that old people have live-in helpers.

It's perfectly ok to vent. I don't mind listening, that's what friends are for. I agree with the past comments. DO NOT let her live with you.

You are already both doing everything you can and are doing a great job taking care of her the best you can. Don't feel guilty.

Keep us posted.

i would contact an agency like senior helpers. they can have caregivers come at anytime you want, however often you want or live-in. i used to work for them and it's a very good solution for many families. assisted living facilities are nice but they are pretty expensive. i've worked in those too. depending on the level of care the prices start around $3500.00 a month. that's in tennessee so i'm sure it's alot more in other areas.

I don't really have any advice other than I don't think it would be a good idea for her to move in with you guys.  Of course that doesn't solve the problem that you have with your mother-in-law.  I know a lot of elderly people get like this.  If there isn't something going on brain wise, I think it's fear.  They have no one to voice that fear too, they  have always been the one that people come to when they need help so it comes out with this demanding sometimes almost angry behavior. 

I am sorry about her dog as well.  Beagles can be a noisy handful.  Is he an older dog?  If not she may need more exercise than she is getting which is causing at least some of the noisy crazy behavior.

We've been through all the caregiver stuff, all the visiting people stuff. We've done it all. She doesn't want them, she can't afford them, she's not dealing with them. So she has a cleaning lady who comes in once every other week and a woman who comes in once every other week to do some cooking, shopping, etc. The rest of the time, we do it.

While I don't really want her to move in with us, I don't see any other way out. She wants to stay in the house and I get that. But it's getting more and more difficult for her to do so. We don't know what she's going to do over the winter. We have made plans for the driveway to be shoveled by the same person who's now mowing the yard. (One night last winter, it was snowing like crazy and our road was horrible. We're rural and our road is not high on PennDOT's snow list. They get to us and fairly quickly, but not as quickly as we like. It was around 1:30 in the morning and she called. She was having trouble with one of the smoke detectors chirping. Rick told her the battery was probably dying....had she changed it back in October? Well, no, but it didn't sound like the battery. Rick heard it and he said, yes, it's the battery. Just change the battery. Well, she didn't think she could....could he come up and change it? Now? Yes, now. During a snowstorm. At 1:30 in the morning. And he did. I was frantic til he got back home.)

As for Jackie, other than her hysteria at being left alone, she's a good dog. She really is. She is ten years old, so she's certainly not a youngster by any stretch. And you know, as harsh as this sounds, at ten? Well, she might not have all that many years left. She's in good shape, but she's ten. And at that age, I really hate the thought of her going someplace completely new with new people and a new situation.  I don't want that. At her age, she deserves to be with people she knows and loves. And that's why she needs to come here, even though I know it's not the best solution. But Rick's sister simply won't take her....she says she has three cats and that's enough. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask her why having six cats was not enough, but I held my tongue.

Yesterday when Rick stopped at the house before his dental appt to take her outside, Jackie had shoved the mattress to the bed 3/4 of the way off the bed. The bed covers were on the floor. Pillows were off the couch, but not chewed or anything like that. And, oh yes, that ear-splitting howl is enough to make anybody spastic. She calms down after a while, but like I said, people would think we were beating her. And it's just that she was alone for a while. I don't know what would happen if we brought her home with the clowder and how she would act then if we left her. If it's really that bad, it would set our gang off big-time. And I must admit that we don't have the money for doggy daycare. We just don't. Rick's mom had said that she would pay for somebody to foster the dog (food, vet bills, etc.), but when Rick talked briefly about us taking her, well! Problem solved! And she didn't have to pay for anything!

Rick's mom really does need to go into assisted living, but she won't hear of it. Not yet. She's not ready yet. 

She was monitored again last night and they were going to make a decision about the pacemaker. If they decide to do it, they will do it this afternoon. I assume she'd come home Saturday sometime. She was already pestering last night about Rick taking her to church on Sunday. He said no, regardless of what happens, no. She was not amused. She asked him if he was still going away this coming week. Rick said there's no reason for him not to go. She was not amused. We shall see.

Thank you for your thoughts. I really needed to "talk". Things have not been good this summer at all. And despite everything we do, it's just not good.

I don't think anything you do will be good enough as far as your mother-in-law is concerned.  She is trying to hold on to things the way they used to be.  I think that is common with the elderly.  It is good that you had your child young.  Many people who wait until they are older to have their children and their own parents had them when they were older are caught in this situation with elderly parents while their own children are still at home.

This is a lot for anyone to deal with and really I feel for you. My MIL/FIL took care of my GM/GFIL for years. They lived with them and drove them insane. My GFIL (now deceased) was a handful by himself. Add my GMIL into the mix and it was non stop for them. It was very, very difficult for my in laws because both of them were so demanding and in very different ways. my GMIL was also heading towards dementia which didn't help either. They lived with them for about 10 years before GFIL passed away. After he passed away, MIL's sister took GMIL in with her but not for long. GMIL was finally diagnosed with Alzheimer's and was moved to an assisted living facility. she still lives there now and is in her early 90's. She's in fantastic shape physically but there's not much going on in the attic. She still doesn't know that DH passed away. She's one of those people that grabs onto anything negative and focuses on that. He was her first grandchild and they spent a lot of time together when he was small so they were close. We agreed that when the time is right, he can tell her himself. 

You're in a tough position and I don't envy you. There are a lot of assisted living places that are not nursing homes. The residents take care of themselves for the most part with some care and as time goes on, they can add more as they need it. FIL's father and his wife were in a place like that. They basically lived in an apartment and were provided with 2 meals a day of their choosing. The third meal they too care of themselves. They had housekeeping for cleaning and their laundry was done for them. They were close to a mall and other shopping and the facility had a bus that took them periodically through the week if they wanted. They were active there but they place offered care from the smallest level on up. It's not like it was back in the day where a place like that was a nursing home and that's that. Assisted living would provide her with something else that she doesn't have now- plenty of companionship with people in her age range. If she moved in with you, she'd still be alone most of the time considering that you both work full time. My GMIL likes the place she's in because she has so many people around her all the time. She has a roommate who also has Alzheimer's but is worse than she is and she helps take care of the lady when she's able to. She's a nurturer and this gives her a sense of purpose. 

Has Rick talked to her about at least touring out some places? She's really lucky to be at the age she's at and still able to have any independence at all. My grandmother was the same way. She lived in her own home with a nurse coming in to help her with things until she passed at 94. She wouldn't leave the home she lived in with my grandfather who passed away 21 years before she did. She also drove until she was well into her late 80's. This is a sticky situation. She probably won't like how things work out regardless because at some level she's going to have to give up control and I think that that is what she's really trying to hold onto. She already had to let go of your FIL I guess she's not ready to give up anything else right now. I can't say I blame her there. I hope everything goes OK with the pacemaker. Speaking of that- did her doctor talk to her about her medical needs/care she'll need once she's out of the hospital?

You and Rick are both in my thoughts big time. You need to go to Canada. GO. My MIL/FIL did not take any time for themselves while they were caring for GMIL/GFIL and it took a huge toll on both of them physically, emotionally and mentally. Even if you have to have someone look in on her from time to time more often than what she has now, you 2 cannot help her if you're mentally and emotionally drained.  Don't do that to yourselves. You don't deserve it.  

You know how I feel Pam.  Do what you think is right for all of you and just hope for the best. 

I agree tho that you should go to Canada, you and Rick need to get away from everything and everybody .

I agree. You definitely need to go to Canada. You and Rick need some space for yourselves, and that's sounding harder to achieve at home.

Kat0121 's idea about an assisted living place is a great idea. Even if you and Rick were able to persuade your MIL to look at a couple of these places it would be a step in the right direction.

I hope you ca find a way through all this that is workable for ALL of you

Of course you go to Canada and rick goes to Las Vegas. His sister can deal with her mother for that timsituation meg her not wanting to have somebody living in or going to an assisted whatever, now is the time to become tough. You don't ask her. You tell her. When my mother became so that she couldn't live alone she expected my sister should take her in. Well she couldn't and didn't. I'm the lucky one. I'm over here except my Mum did ask if I'd take her. She didn't like my answer which was if I HAD to. My sister is nearly 74 now but is very small and fragile. She'd never have been able to either physically or mentally have my Mum live with her besides the fact that my mum became nasty.
The I way I see it Pam is, don't ask her. Tell her. This and this is going to happen. I think the live in is the best solution as she gets to stay in her own home and the poor dog, who could live for another six years, is with her too. Rick must tell her she can't make demands anymore.
He must be firm and not let her bully him. I know I don't know you as well as others do but I know the situation regarding two completely different women. Please discuss this with rick.
All my thoughts are with you regarding this rotten state of affairs.
Hugs.

I'm afraid there's some typos. Anything you may want explained just ask. I'm sorry.

I thank you all for your opinions....believe me, I appreciate you.

Here's what's going on: The pacemaker was put in yesterday afternoon. She is going into a nursing home, long enough to recover from the surgery and to have physical therapy on her arm (it's in a sling right now from the stitches from the pacemaker and from falling in the garage on Wednesday). Once she has recovered and has regained the use of her arm, she will then go back home. She's not happy about it, but that's the way it is. Rick and his sister talked it out and that's what they decided (For what it's worth, I stayed completely out of it; they had their discussion yesterday after work: I came home and took care of the cats. I wanted nothing to do with any of it).

Right now the dog is with the neighbor. They're going to talk to the neighbor today and offer to pay the neighbor to keep her until Rick's mom gets out of the nursing home. I don't think that's going to go over well because the neighbor doesn't want Jackie full-time and is just doing this to help out. But we shall see. If it doesn't work out, then they're going to kennel her until Rick's mom can come back home. 

Rick is leaving this week and he doesn't want me trying to deal with things anymore than I already am. I want to take the dog home, but crate her while I'm at work. I'd come home at lunch to walk her and then I'd be home all night. I'd also take a few vacation days next week to spend more time with her. I don't want her kenneled because we don't know how long it's going to take til his mom can come home and poor dog is going to think she's been abandoned. That breaks my heart. I know she's a wild woman and I know it's not going to be pretty. But I don't want her thinking that she's just been dumped.

If we go to Canada, she'd have to be kenneled while we're gone anyway. No way can she stay at our house for that long a time with just the petsitters coming in twice a day. No way. It's not fair to the petsitters and it's not fair to the clowder. It's just a bad situation no matter which way you look at it. 

Just read through this thread and see that a short-term solution has been found.   I feel for you and your husband, and your MIL. 

Does the nursing home she is going to have assisted living apartments?  If so, perhaps while she is recuperating, you can look into moving her into one.   She might discover she liked the security of having people to watch out for her and take care of her needs.

It is so hard to find the right solution for someone in your MIL's position, but her safety is most important, especially with winter not all that far away.  And the fact that she recently fell and was helpless for a few hours, might make her more open to understanding you and your husbands concern for her.