Why, Why...WHY??????????????????

If anyone thinks this should be moved to the health forum, please don't...I have put it where I want it. Thank you.

I have tears in my eyes as I write this...I have been bawling so hard.
At first I thought maybe I shouldn't even post it, because everyone has their own problems, and their own sorrows to deal with, and mine is probably no big deal, though it is to me, and I am not looking for sympathy or 100 posts about how sorry you all are....I know some of you think that gets old, when the same message of sympathy has to be repeated in different words, and they were after all, just babies....... (my heart is breaking, so forgive me if I sound angry, I'm not....just hurt)

Please forgive me if this post sounds bitter...I don't mean it that way....I am just grieving, and it doesn't come out the way I mean it to.
You are all such a wonderful group of people, so please forgive me if I was b*tchy .

I have been bottle feeding two adorable little kittens that I found in the yard, just newly born, and abandoned, two weeks ago.
I have done such a good job of feeding them, I warm the milk up, I feed them several times a day...and I had no worries that they would make it....there little bellies were so full, and I always stimulated them to poop and pee like I was told to, and I kept them warm...........
This morning, when I got them out to feed them, I noticed they had poop all over them, so I gave them both a quick bath in warm water....and then wrapped them in a towel, but when I trieed to feed them, they would not eat. I thought maybe they weren't hungry, so I tried again before I left for work...and still they would not eat.
When I got home from work, I checked on them right away....
They were alive...but very cold..........
I tried to feed them, and they still would not eat!!!!!!!!! I put them on the heating pad to warm up....I kept an eye on them for an hour or so, they were in the same room here, as my computer, so every 5 minutes, I would go check.
The grey one started having problems breathing....I knew he wouldn't make it on his own....I actually gave him mouth to mouth and blew little puffs of air into his lungs.....that kept him breathing for awhile.....but then he just stopped.
And then the other one stopped breathing not long after that!!
What did I DO????????
I thought they were so healthy......they WERE so healthy......what the heck happened?????? And I know this would be better in the health forum, but I want it here!

I feel like such a failure!!!!!! They depended on me, and I was trying so hard!!! I heatyed up the kitten replacement milk every few hours, and fed them, and they drank and drank, their little tummies were so fat!!! Is it because I gave them a bath???????????
Oh God....I am SO sad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh Debbie, I am so sorry. How awful for you. If you hadn't found them they wouldn't have lived this long, so they were lucky that you even found them.

I don't have any idea what happened. I'm just very sorry you are going through this.

Debby, please, please, please don't blame yourself for this. You did a wonderful job and the kittens had absolutely no chance without you. I of course have no idea what happened, but I'm sure it's not because you gave them a bath. The obviously were sick before that. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I had a kitten a few months ago that I saved from a pet shop that I was trying to nurse to health. After 2 weeks, he ended up dying. And I have no idea what happened to him either. This happens to the best of us, Debby. Please don't blame yourself.

Debbie,

Sweetie, it is not your fault. Your babies were already sick or they wouldn't have messed all over themselves. They probably just weren't developed enough. You gave them the only chance they had and I am sooo proud of you for trying as I know we all are. My heart is breaking for you and your sweet little babies.

At least they had the nurturing and love for their short little life span. Bless you for giving them that.

Please try to not be too mad at hubby. Non animal lovers just do not understand. I don't know why or how they can be so insensitive but my own son is that way. He's a wonderful person otherwise but he doesn't care for cats. He sounds like your husband...just doesn't have much feeling for them one way or another. He isn't mean to them, just doesn't like them, he likes dogs (how can you love one and not the other is beyond me). At least he is not cruel to them...just insensitive (BIG DIFFERENCE). You do not need the hurt of being angry at him right now, so try to forgive him.

My prayers are with you.

Oh Debby,

Here is the mushy post that you didn't want. You are such a gracious wonderful woman. Without you those kitties would have died all alone in the cold world. Atleast this way they had the warmth of your touch and the whisper of your voice.

I am sure nothing you did jeopordized what was supposed to be. You cannot control fate and what is meant to be. You are just supposed to take the experiences from each lesson given to you. No matter how horrifying or devastating that may be.

I am here always, for a shoulder or an ear. To lean on and listen. I understand your pain and sadness as does everyone else here.

I am thinking of you!

Patricia....Thank you for your kind words, and everyone else too, but right now I am just so angry with my husband, he has watched me feed those babies every morning before work, and three times more before bed, and he knows how much joy they have brought to my life, and how much they meant to me....but instead of being sympathetic, he tells me they probably died because they caught neumonia from the bath I gave them this morning....then says.....you have 40 cats.....you can't cry everytime something happens to one of them, that's life.
I don't have 40 cats....I have 13. It was 15, before the babies dies today.
Then he got mad because I was in no mood to fix his supper, and he had to fix his own. So he is mad. So on top of bawling my eyes about about losing my babies, and feeling like it is my fault, now I have his stinkin' attitude to contend with!!!!!!!!
I am so depressed!!!!! Thanks for caring and for listening, guys.

Debby,

Please be assured that it was nothing you did. Kittens that little are born with very vulnerable immune systems. You did everything possible to help them survive. And as I'm sure everyone here agrees, they wouldn't have survived at all if it weren't for you.

The bath had nothing to do with it. Kittens with diarrhea who won't eat usually go down hill very fast from dehydration. There was nothing you or anyone could do about it.

Stop beating yourself up over it. They are in a much better place now. Just remember, they did not die alone. You were there with them, for the short time they were on this earth. Your voice was the last one they heard. That is the most important thing of all. Things happen for a reason. Also know that I have also lost kittens and know exactly what you're going through.

Hang in there, okay?

Donna

Oh swalker.....I did not see your post until after I posted my last one...I must have been typing it at the same time you posted yours.....
Thank you!!!!!!!!!!
That part about how they would have never known the warmth of my touch, or the whisper of my voice, really got to me.... while they were gasping for every breathe they took, I was stroking them, and whispering softly, please god, let them live, and I also kissed them both on the head, and kept whispering, "breathe....breathe....you can do it...please don't give up!!!!!"

Thank you for caring so much...all of you....I will probably be okay tommorrow, but right now, it hurts like h*ll, and I still feel like maybe I did something wrong to cause their deaths.

Donna....Thank you for your post. I am not totally convinced that it wasn't something I did wrong, though....they were both fine yesterday, their little voices were so loud it hurt my ears!!! And they let me know when they were hungry, on no uncertain terms, and I always fed them. But I work form 7-3 Mon-Fri. But there bellies were so fat, and they drank so much every morning, I thought they would be okay till I got home, and they were, they were crying for me as soon as I walked in the door, and I would feed them, and they would lay there and purr!
Okay....I will shut up about it now. It's just that I didn't expect this....it was SO totally unexpected, because they seemed so fat and healthy, and their little eyes had opened a bit, and now....I still think I did something wrong. How could they be so healthy one day, and the next be so cold, and won't eat?????????????????

Debby,

Listen to me. You did not fail! I had two kittens that were fine one day and the next day they were in the same condition as yours. It turned out to be distemper. The symptoms were stomach distention (bloated bellies), vomiting, diarrhea, lack of appetite, labored breathing, fever. Your bathing them did not have ANYTHING to do with it. And tell your moron husband to shut his mouth unless he knows what he's talking about (I'm sorry but he's not helping one bit).

Kittens are very frail creatures when they are that little. You did the best you could. If you need someone to talk to, I am PMing you my toll free number at work. It's 9 p.m. here and I'll be here for another hour. Please call me.

Donna

Oh Debby! I am sooo sorry. I posted asking how they were too.. because you hadn't said much about them lately or if you have I missed it

I will echo everyone else when saying it was not your fault. I am sure it was nothing you did... please don't beat yourself up over it.. you are a wonderful woman and if there was anything you could do.. I'm sure you did it.

Here is to your babies:

How I Am Right Now

I know that you miss me,
At times you are sad.
You think you should have done more
As a Mom or a Dad.

But Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]ve something to tell you,
So you wonâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t feel so bad.
It was the best life
I could ever have had.

Now that Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]m in heaven
I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t feel the pain.
Of all of the problems
That make life a strain.

I just have to thank you,
That the memories are glad.
For you gave me the best life
I could ever have had.

The times that were painful
Are just lessons learned.
Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]ve forgotten the sad times,
With the freedom Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]ve earned.

Just know in your heart,
With faith iron-clad...
That you gave me the best life
I could ever have had.

Author Unknown



God Bless You Debby

Thank you Cassie.....and Donna.... thanks for offering to talk....if Brent falls asleep soon, I will call you....I DO need to talk!!!!!!!! I am a basket case!!! I still haven't buried them yet...they are still laying here, by the computer in a little blanket...and everytime I see them I start bawling. I know I have to dispose of them soon....I just hate to say goodbye. God, I got so attached to them in only 2 weeks time.

Oh and Cassie......your poem was beautiful, thank you very much!!!!

Also....tell me if this is true....my husband says I shouldn't even have pets if I am going to get so emotionally attached to them that I lose sight of reality when they die....is this true? All I know is that I love them, all of them...they are my children....and when one (or two in this case) dies, I mourn them...I cry....it hurts....does he have no heart??????????????????????????

Debby, I just had to say It's not your fault. Young kittens without a mother are so very hard to care for. There are so many things that can go wrong. You really are quite lucky they hung on for two weeks. Rene just took a kitten that the mother refused to nurse. He lived for 3 weeks under vet care and still did not make it. You really did what you could to give these guys a chance. I know it's hard, especially with no support or a shoulder to cry on. I am glad you came here to help get it out. Hang in there!!!!

Debby - I'm sorry your husband is being so difficult. What you need in this difficult time is understanding, not such criticism. He is obviously not an animal lover as we all are. I'm sorry that he doesn't see your pain and feel for you as he should, even if he doesn't understand your pain. Just because you mourn your pets' deaths does not mean you should not have pets, it means that you are a wonderful pet owner. What kind of owner would not mourn their death? I know it's hard to understand the way our husbands act sometimes, just know that we all love you here.

Kittens are so fragile, and without mom's milk to help them get stronger, sometimes, they just go downhill really fast. It was not the bath, as I am sure you know. It was some sort of parasite or infection that you had no control over. I remember a few years ago, I had 4 wonderful healthy kittens one afternoon, and by nighttime they were all dead. They were only a week old, the mom had been killed and these little guys were fighting but the fight went out of them and quick.

You did the right thing, they knew love, warmth and food for their bellies. I am sorry your non-sympathetic mate does not get that you are hurting, but don't beat yourself up about this.

Dearest Debby; I could re-state what everyone else has so eloquently said, but I won't. Instead I will pray to The Lord that He will help heal my friend's heart, and help her not to blame herself. He knows that you are one of His "Special Caretakers" and that is why the kittens showed up in your yard in the first place. . . .
He also knows that you will not turn away any other hurting or abandon creature He sends your way.
Now, go get the Merlinator and give him some loving. . . . . .

Darlene

Shouldn't have pets??? YOU???? BULL!! I would rather see someone who gets upset over losing a loved animal than some piece of ice idiot. I hope you will forgive but I think hubby is an utter ASS!!

Debby..you did your very best for these little ones and God and all his Angels are smiling at you.

Just last year I was in a vet's office when a BIG man came rushing out of the back room...the expression on his face would have given pause to a bear. Shortly after I saw him in his car crying big sobs...his 20 yr old cat had just been put down due to illness.
I would have liked to see hubby tell him to grow up.

You are a good,kind person...don't ever doubt yourself!!

Oh Thank you....THANK you all for helping me through this....Sandie...thank you for what you said, and Darlene, and Hissy, and Donna, and Cassie, and Dawn, and Colby,and Kittyfoot, and ALL of you!!!!!!!!

You all have made me feel better....even though deep down inside I find it hard to accept that it wasn't something I did wrong...because they were both so fat and healthy and even purring at their young ages, and the next day, they are gone.

Thanks for listening to me pour my heart out here, and thanks you all so much for caring and understanding.......it HAS helped....trust me.

I still have to go out tonight and dig a hole and bury them.....they are still laying right here beside me...I think part of me has refused to accept that they are gone.....

I will be okay. But I will still blame myself, no matter what anyone says...they were too fat and healthy to just die the next day for no reason. I don't know what I did wrong, but I pray to God, they know I didn't mean to.