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It's been over a week now and I'm still in shock over losing my sweet girl. On Thursday July 23, at 1:55pm I had my baby PTS. My heart is still broken. The house is way too silent. Her favorite scratch pad is vacant. So is the spot next to me on the sofa where she chose to take many of her naps, right beside me. Her food bowl is empty. So many reminders and so many hurts every single day. I know we're never prepared for this. Who wants to say goodbye? No one. Ever. But I want to tell you about her and how she came into my life 11 and a half years ago.
I first saw Gracie the same week my sweetie Garfield died in 2004. It was January, the coldest week of that whole winter. It was a mere 15F degrees that morning when I went out to start my car before work. I saw her coming down the sidewalk. She was pregnant at the time but I didn't know it. She looked over her shoulder at me and then ran away from me in fear! I remember thinking "HOW could anyone leave their cat out on the coldest night of the year?!" I was disgusted and felt so sorry for her. I put some treats on the sidewalk hoping she'd come back for them. That evening when I returned home, I found the treats untouched. I was disappointed and hoped she would return, even though my heart was still reeling at the loss of Garfy - it had only been a few days since he died in my mom's arms. I raced to get dressed to take him to the ER vet to end his suffering. It was too late though.
The next time I saw Gracie was in the spring after she had her 6 kittens (sometime in late February or early March, I estimate.) One of the neighbor ladies found the kittens behind one of the apartment buildings on the back porch where Gracie hid them. We saw her off in the distance making sure we didn't harm her babies, while we discussed what to do with them. They were too young yet to take them away from her, so we let her be for the time being. Here is one of the first pics I took of Gracie. She had been on my back porch, but when she saw me peeking through the blinds, she ran off. Here's where she ran to, waiting in the verbena on the side of my house, not knowing I snuck out to get her picture. What a pretty girl! And a good mama too. This must have been April or early May, 2004.
Some of the other neighbor ladies had been leaving out small bowls to feed her. When they found out I began doing the same, they sort of left it to me to feed them, which I did. My heart was still broken over Garfie, but was coming to life again with this new kitty family. I believe Gracie had been owned by someone at one time, but she was definitely a feral cat when I found her. I could not approach her at all and she growled at me. Here's another pic of her eating the wet food I put out for her and all her babies on my back porch. She didn't bring them. She at the whole 13 ounces by herself! I began calling her Miss Piggy from that day on!
Notice how she kept one eye on me! She didn't trust me at all yet even though I was nice enough to feed her! I was scared of her too, and kept a safe distance. The other pie pan had water in it. Below is Gracie and all 6 of her kittens feeding on my porch at the same time. They all took their own sweet time warming up to me and it had been several weeks after I started feeding them regularly until I was able to get this picture of them below. She had 2 tabby/white vest kitties, 3 tabby kitties, and one solid black kitten. I named them Nancy/Nina/Honey/Harry/Smiley/and Baby Boo (the black one was Boo.) I still called mama kitty Miss Piggy. Her appetite was enormous! Not too long after this pic below, I was able to come out on my back porch with all 7 of them there! They were slowly getting to trust me! But Gracie warned me with a low growl: don't touch me or my kittens! I saw fear in her eyes too. Although I was still scared of her, when I saw that look in her eyes, I realized she just wanted a meal and a safe place to raise her kittens. That broke my heart to realize that. It wasn't long after this pic that they continued warming up to me, as long as I didn't look them in the eye. One day, Honey brushed against my leg as I was putting out the food! I finally touched one of them! Trust was developing very slowly, but surely. One day I noticed Nancy and Nina were boys, so I renamed them Nat and Ned. I had named Nat Nancy because I was trying to get a girl at work, who grew up on a farm and tamed wild kittens herself. to take him or several of them, without luck.
In about July of 2004, I began trying to trap Gracie - still calling her Miss Piggy at that time. One morning when I was off from work, I got her! My mom and I took her, trap and all, over to the vet's office to get her spayed. I recall how serene she was sitting in that steel humane trap. You'd think she would be nervous, yet she was exactly the opposite. She gazed at me with eyes half opened, almost smiling! Maybe I interpreted her look wrong, but it seemed to me that she was thinking "I'm your kitty now! You're going to take care of me! I don't have to worry where my next meal is coming from!" By then she fully trusted me. What an honor! The vet spayed her, and unfortunately aborted 8 kittens in her belly. I was very saddened to hear that, but not all that surprised. Once in a while, a big yellow kitty showed up with them the kitty family. He looked like a Maine Coon with beautiful long yellow fur! I believe this was their daddy, Gracie's boyfriend. She put up with him, but I could tell she didn't like him very much! After her spay surgery, I made the decision to bring Gracie inside to live with me and my other kitty Sammy, who was Garfie's brother. Here's a pic of her lying on the sofa with the remote. She was watching the reality show "The Birddashians", a rich avian family who sat around their huge feeders all day arguing. Lol, just kidding. I love this pic. It looks like she is living large and LOVING IT! Her belly is shaved. At this time her kittens were old enough to be own their own outside, yet I kept feeding them on my back porch. By this time, another younger set of kittens - 3 siblings - began showing up for food on my back porch too! They weren't well-received at first by Gracie's older kittens, but they warmed up to them slowly. I named them Callie (calico) Oreo (black and white) and Tiny Boo (all black.)
In December 2004, after much disagreement with the neighbors, and no help from them, about what to do about the kitties, I brought them inside my house. Without my knowledge, they had called Animal Control who then caught/killed Baby Boo and Callie and Tiny Boo. I never knew what happened to Smiley, but there was no record of euthanizing him. I can't believe the heartlessness of some people. Not to mention how cost IN-effective it is to trap and kill. Trap/neuter/return works in so many ways to help the environment, which I'm sure you are all aware. But my neighborhood just wanted to get rid of them as though they were only nuisances. So I took them inside, what was left of them. So I had Sammy who reluctantly shared his house with a bunch of wild cats named Gracie, Honey, Nat, Ned, Harry, and Oreo. Seven in all. I had originally planned to try to find a farm to move them to. After calling several Cat welfare organizations, I found out that they too were looking for the same thing for a number of their cats. So it seemed my family had grown exponentially overnight. Sammy was not pleased, but he was a very laid back kitty and took it in stride. The other kitties respected him as the old man of the house.
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Here's Sammy boy above on his favorite scratcher. He died in December 2006 from kidney failure, almost 3 years after his brother Garfie. I miss my buddy boy!
Above is Gracie enjoying her meal inside in the very same bowl I still have for her and the others. She happily and easily adjusted to indoor life. Her kittens, not so much, but they did adjust
That's Gracie enjoying naptime! In 2005, I moved to my current place several miles down the road from where I used to live. Here's a cute pic of the kitties below in the new place, minus Gracie, looking out my back door at a lone dove eating seed from a kitty food bowl on my porch. I love this pic. Left to right: Nat, Honey, Harry, Oreo, Ned.
Fast forward to April 2015. Here bellow is the pic I've posted of Gracie before. You can't really tell it here but she was having trouble breathing in this pic. This began, as I've said before, about the 1st of April. I noticed a rare cough at first, which I thought was the beginning of a cold. She's been healthy for years since 2004 and no problems. I told myself to keep an eye on it and I did. About 2 weeks later, that cough disappeared for the most part, then the snorty breathing began. I thought she had sinusitis, but there was no drainage yet. Since I've detailed the events in another old thread here about URI's which is now closed, you can see the chain of events and all the vet visits and ER visits that happened, as one treatment after another was tried, in vain. The Azithromycin worked the best but only relieved her stertorous breathing for almost 2 days. The drainage had gone too, briefly, then began to return. In this pic also, I can see how she wasn't grooming like before. The white fur under her chin looks matted. She was not well, even though she looks good here.
So, one treatment after another was tried, in vain. I was so frustrated and was almost completely out of money. In early July, I started a fundraising campaign for her and I figured I'd just always have a snotty snorty kitty on my hands. I was trying to raise money to pay for her CT diagnostic surgery, which would cost at least $2000, and that's just for diagnosis, not treatment. The internal med. Vet cautioned me that he felt that she would not have a treatable disease even if they found out what the problem was. Between June and July, the drainage began increasing and coming out one then both eyes. I was frantic and yet helpless to do something, anything to help her. She would sit beside me on the sofa. Every now and then I'd have to wipe her nose and eyes. She hated that. Then she would look at me with those huge pretty green eyes of hers, asking me something. I don't know what. Maybe "Why don't I feel good?" It was breaking my heart to see her getting worse.
This pic above was taken July 15. It's not very clear but you can see some of the drainage on my gray sweater she was sitting on as well as on both eyes, especially the left one. Most of her drainage had come from the left side, and it seemed like there was some swelling above and behind her left eye. I had made an appointment to see her regular vet on Saturday July 18 for a recheck, but really had to weigh whether or not it was worth it to put her through it. She always panicked a little on those rides over there, which wasn't far luckily, but she hated being examined by the vet too. Reluctantly, I decided to cancel that appt and make an appt to see the internal med. Vet again. The soonest he could see her was Monday July 27. Sigh. I wish I had not cancelled that first appointment and will always regret that. What if he could have done something for her that day to help? I'll never know now. It's eating at me.
On Wednesday July 22, I came home from work at 7pm and couldn't find her anywhere, and I panicked! Normally she was on the sofa, where she is in the above pic. I prayed oh God help me find her. Then I found her in the kitty cozy in the corner of my bedroom and breathed a sigh of relief. Until I coaxed her out. My relief turned to horror when I saw her pupils had blown. Some time during that day, she had gone blind. Those big beautiful green eyes were gone. Now all I saw were huge black pupils which could not see. She was terrified. I was too, but tried my best to calm both of us down. I was heartbroken all over again. She would lift her chin up as if doing that would help her see. Then she was settle back down and meow, something she rarely did. I knew she was going downhill. Her left eye had been showing the third eyelid for about 2 weeks at this point. That night I took her to the ER vet who confirmed she was blind. He recommended the CT, which I could not afford, to see what was in her head. He suspected it was a cancerous tumor that was growing. She meowed pitifully. She usually never used her voice, but now she meowed more frequently - confusion and fear over going blind, I guess. My poor baby. I told the ER vet I would take her home and see her regular vet in the morning. We didn't get any sleep that night. I put her on my bed beside me and she didn't move much at all except to change positions a few times. She didn't sleep either. I hadn't seen her sleep in about a week or more which really concerned me. The ER gave me some morphine to give her in case she was in any pain, which I gave to her. Here is the video I made of her for the vet that night. My beautiful Gracie with those beautiful sweet green eyes, now gone. The pain of looking at this video is indescribable and so sad for me. My sweet girl. I so wish things had gone better for you. I so wish I could have gotten you well!
I can't describe the events that took place the next morning, Thursday July 23. It's just too painful for me to relive that whole morning. Suffice it to say, I called a mobile vet who came out and examined her and then we made the decision to proceed with the shots. The first shot hurt her. The vet said it would burn and it did. My last interaction with my Gracie girl was holding the back of her neck so she couldn't get away. That's so not how I wanted any of this to go. I didn't want to be forced to put her to sleep in the first place but I didn't see any other option at that point. The vet assured me I made the right decision. It still doesn't feel right though. But she is gone now. The cushion beside me is empty. Normally she would be right there napping. I know the pain of losing her will ease in time, but for right now, I'm really hurting and wishing she could have gotten well.
Bye my sweet Gracie, for now, ok? I will see you again? And then you will be whole and healthy and able to see again and breathe normally. I'm so lucky to have had you in my life for the past 11 years and I would do it all over again just the same. I miss you so much. Godspeed, sweet girl.
With much love, your mama
I first saw Gracie the same week my sweetie Garfield died in 2004. It was January, the coldest week of that whole winter. It was a mere 15F degrees that morning when I went out to start my car before work. I saw her coming down the sidewalk. She was pregnant at the time but I didn't know it. She looked over her shoulder at me and then ran away from me in fear! I remember thinking "HOW could anyone leave their cat out on the coldest night of the year?!" I was disgusted and felt so sorry for her. I put some treats on the sidewalk hoping she'd come back for them. That evening when I returned home, I found the treats untouched. I was disappointed and hoped she would return, even though my heart was still reeling at the loss of Garfy - it had only been a few days since he died in my mom's arms. I raced to get dressed to take him to the ER vet to end his suffering. It was too late though.
The next time I saw Gracie was in the spring after she had her 6 kittens (sometime in late February or early March, I estimate.) One of the neighbor ladies found the kittens behind one of the apartment buildings on the back porch where Gracie hid them. We saw her off in the distance making sure we didn't harm her babies, while we discussed what to do with them. They were too young yet to take them away from her, so we let her be for the time being. Here is one of the first pics I took of Gracie. She had been on my back porch, but when she saw me peeking through the blinds, she ran off. Here's where she ran to, waiting in the verbena on the side of my house, not knowing I snuck out to get her picture. What a pretty girl! And a good mama too. This must have been April or early May, 2004.
Some of the other neighbor ladies had been leaving out small bowls to feed her. When they found out I began doing the same, they sort of left it to me to feed them, which I did. My heart was still broken over Garfie, but was coming to life again with this new kitty family. I believe Gracie had been owned by someone at one time, but she was definitely a feral cat when I found her. I could not approach her at all and she growled at me. Here's another pic of her eating the wet food I put out for her and all her babies on my back porch. She didn't bring them. She at the whole 13 ounces by herself! I began calling her Miss Piggy from that day on!
Notice how she kept one eye on me! She didn't trust me at all yet even though I was nice enough to feed her! I was scared of her too, and kept a safe distance. The other pie pan had water in it. Below is Gracie and all 6 of her kittens feeding on my porch at the same time. They all took their own sweet time warming up to me and it had been several weeks after I started feeding them regularly until I was able to get this picture of them below. She had 2 tabby/white vest kitties, 3 tabby kitties, and one solid black kitten. I named them Nancy/Nina/Honey/Harry/Smiley/and Baby Boo (the black one was Boo.) I still called mama kitty Miss Piggy. Her appetite was enormous! Not too long after this pic below, I was able to come out on my back porch with all 7 of them there! They were slowly getting to trust me! But Gracie warned me with a low growl: don't touch me or my kittens! I saw fear in her eyes too. Although I was still scared of her, when I saw that look in her eyes, I realized she just wanted a meal and a safe place to raise her kittens. That broke my heart to realize that. It wasn't long after this pic that they continued warming up to me, as long as I didn't look them in the eye. One day, Honey brushed against my leg as I was putting out the food! I finally touched one of them! Trust was developing very slowly, but surely. One day I noticed Nancy and Nina were boys, so I renamed them Nat and Ned. I had named Nat Nancy because I was trying to get a girl at work, who grew up on a farm and tamed wild kittens herself. to take him or several of them, without luck.
In about July of 2004, I began trying to trap Gracie - still calling her Miss Piggy at that time. One morning when I was off from work, I got her! My mom and I took her, trap and all, over to the vet's office to get her spayed. I recall how serene she was sitting in that steel humane trap. You'd think she would be nervous, yet she was exactly the opposite. She gazed at me with eyes half opened, almost smiling! Maybe I interpreted her look wrong, but it seemed to me that she was thinking "I'm your kitty now! You're going to take care of me! I don't have to worry where my next meal is coming from!" By then she fully trusted me. What an honor! The vet spayed her, and unfortunately aborted 8 kittens in her belly. I was very saddened to hear that, but not all that surprised. Once in a while, a big yellow kitty showed up with them the kitty family. He looked like a Maine Coon with beautiful long yellow fur! I believe this was their daddy, Gracie's boyfriend. She put up with him, but I could tell she didn't like him very much! After her spay surgery, I made the decision to bring Gracie inside to live with me and my other kitty Sammy, who was Garfie's brother. Here's a pic of her lying on the sofa with the remote. She was watching the reality show "The Birddashians", a rich avian family who sat around their huge feeders all day arguing. Lol, just kidding. I love this pic. It looks like she is living large and LOVING IT! Her belly is shaved. At this time her kittens were old enough to be own their own outside, yet I kept feeding them on my back porch. By this time, another younger set of kittens - 3 siblings - began showing up for food on my back porch too! They weren't well-received at first by Gracie's older kittens, but they warmed up to them slowly. I named them Callie (calico) Oreo (black and white) and Tiny Boo (all black.)
In December 2004, after much disagreement with the neighbors, and no help from them, about what to do about the kitties, I brought them inside my house. Without my knowledge, they had called Animal Control who then caught/killed Baby Boo and Callie and Tiny Boo. I never knew what happened to Smiley, but there was no record of euthanizing him. I can't believe the heartlessness of some people. Not to mention how cost IN-effective it is to trap and kill. Trap/neuter/return works in so many ways to help the environment, which I'm sure you are all aware. But my neighborhood just wanted to get rid of them as though they were only nuisances. So I took them inside, what was left of them. So I had Sammy who reluctantly shared his house with a bunch of wild cats named Gracie, Honey, Nat, Ned, Harry, and Oreo. Seven in all. I had originally planned to try to find a farm to move them to. After calling several Cat welfare organizations, I found out that they too were looking for the same thing for a number of their cats. So it seemed my family had grown exponentially overnight. Sammy was not pleased, but he was a very laid back kitty and took it in stride. The other kitties respected him as the old man of the house.
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Here's Sammy boy above on his favorite scratcher. He died in December 2006 from kidney failure, almost 3 years after his brother Garfie. I miss my buddy boy!
Above is Gracie enjoying her meal inside in the very same bowl I still have for her and the others. She happily and easily adjusted to indoor life. Her kittens, not so much, but they did adjust
That's Gracie enjoying naptime! In 2005, I moved to my current place several miles down the road from where I used to live. Here's a cute pic of the kitties below in the new place, minus Gracie, looking out my back door at a lone dove eating seed from a kitty food bowl on my porch. I love this pic. Left to right: Nat, Honey, Harry, Oreo, Ned.
Fast forward to April 2015. Here bellow is the pic I've posted of Gracie before. You can't really tell it here but she was having trouble breathing in this pic. This began, as I've said before, about the 1st of April. I noticed a rare cough at first, which I thought was the beginning of a cold. She's been healthy for years since 2004 and no problems. I told myself to keep an eye on it and I did. About 2 weeks later, that cough disappeared for the most part, then the snorty breathing began. I thought she had sinusitis, but there was no drainage yet. Since I've detailed the events in another old thread here about URI's which is now closed, you can see the chain of events and all the vet visits and ER visits that happened, as one treatment after another was tried, in vain. The Azithromycin worked the best but only relieved her stertorous breathing for almost 2 days. The drainage had gone too, briefly, then began to return. In this pic also, I can see how she wasn't grooming like before. The white fur under her chin looks matted. She was not well, even though she looks good here.
So, one treatment after another was tried, in vain. I was so frustrated and was almost completely out of money. In early July, I started a fundraising campaign for her and I figured I'd just always have a snotty snorty kitty on my hands. I was trying to raise money to pay for her CT diagnostic surgery, which would cost at least $2000, and that's just for diagnosis, not treatment. The internal med. Vet cautioned me that he felt that she would not have a treatable disease even if they found out what the problem was. Between June and July, the drainage began increasing and coming out one then both eyes. I was frantic and yet helpless to do something, anything to help her. She would sit beside me on the sofa. Every now and then I'd have to wipe her nose and eyes. She hated that. Then she would look at me with those huge pretty green eyes of hers, asking me something. I don't know what. Maybe "Why don't I feel good?" It was breaking my heart to see her getting worse.
This pic above was taken July 15. It's not very clear but you can see some of the drainage on my gray sweater she was sitting on as well as on both eyes, especially the left one. Most of her drainage had come from the left side, and it seemed like there was some swelling above and behind her left eye. I had made an appointment to see her regular vet on Saturday July 18 for a recheck, but really had to weigh whether or not it was worth it to put her through it. She always panicked a little on those rides over there, which wasn't far luckily, but she hated being examined by the vet too. Reluctantly, I decided to cancel that appt and make an appt to see the internal med. Vet again. The soonest he could see her was Monday July 27. Sigh. I wish I had not cancelled that first appointment and will always regret that. What if he could have done something for her that day to help? I'll never know now. It's eating at me.
On Wednesday July 22, I came home from work at 7pm and couldn't find her anywhere, and I panicked! Normally she was on the sofa, where she is in the above pic. I prayed oh God help me find her. Then I found her in the kitty cozy in the corner of my bedroom and breathed a sigh of relief. Until I coaxed her out. My relief turned to horror when I saw her pupils had blown. Some time during that day, she had gone blind. Those big beautiful green eyes were gone. Now all I saw were huge black pupils which could not see. She was terrified. I was too, but tried my best to calm both of us down. I was heartbroken all over again. She would lift her chin up as if doing that would help her see. Then she was settle back down and meow, something she rarely did. I knew she was going downhill. Her left eye had been showing the third eyelid for about 2 weeks at this point. That night I took her to the ER vet who confirmed she was blind. He recommended the CT, which I could not afford, to see what was in her head. He suspected it was a cancerous tumor that was growing. She meowed pitifully. She usually never used her voice, but now she meowed more frequently - confusion and fear over going blind, I guess. My poor baby. I told the ER vet I would take her home and see her regular vet in the morning. We didn't get any sleep that night. I put her on my bed beside me and she didn't move much at all except to change positions a few times. She didn't sleep either. I hadn't seen her sleep in about a week or more which really concerned me. The ER gave me some morphine to give her in case she was in any pain, which I gave to her. Here is the video I made of her for the vet that night. My beautiful Gracie with those beautiful sweet green eyes, now gone. The pain of looking at this video is indescribable and so sad for me. My sweet girl. I so wish things had gone better for you. I so wish I could have gotten you well!
I can't describe the events that took place the next morning, Thursday July 23. It's just too painful for me to relive that whole morning. Suffice it to say, I called a mobile vet who came out and examined her and then we made the decision to proceed with the shots. The first shot hurt her. The vet said it would burn and it did. My last interaction with my Gracie girl was holding the back of her neck so she couldn't get away. That's so not how I wanted any of this to go. I didn't want to be forced to put her to sleep in the first place but I didn't see any other option at that point. The vet assured me I made the right decision. It still doesn't feel right though. But she is gone now. The cushion beside me is empty. Normally she would be right there napping. I know the pain of losing her will ease in time, but for right now, I'm really hurting and wishing she could have gotten well.
Bye my sweet Gracie, for now, ok? I will see you again? And then you will be whole and healthy and able to see again and breathe normally. I'm so lucky to have had you in my life for the past 11 years and I would do it all over again just the same. I miss you so much. Godspeed, sweet girl.
With much love, your mama
