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am I wrong?(long)

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
As a lot of you know, my friend is having some problems with her pregnancy. As a friend, it has been hard on the couple of us who has been visiting her and try to stand by her. This afternoon, the ultimatium has finally happened... she has finally given birth and due to the problems in the baby's heart, the baby boy has passed away this afternoon. She called me on my mobile this afternoon and wanted me to go visit her in the hospital and to see the baby boy before he gets pushed to the mortuary..Naturally, I was scared. I wanted somebody to be there with me. None of my friends wanted to go and one of them had the cheek to tell me that she didn't want to go and asked why do I need to go to see the dead baby... man, I flared up at that point in time and I told her straight in the face that I need to go cos the baby is important to her and she wants us to see her baby the last time. I told her also that I dun quite understand why when such things happen, I'm always the one there for them and at the end of the day when everyone finds an excuse to move out of the picture, I'm still there. When I try to squirm out of it, you guys would try to say I'm not being responsible.Am I wrong? On my way there, my friend sent me a message on the phone, saying that she didn't wish to go cos she wanted to avoid a sad scene.. I told her off immediately that as friends, we should go through happiness and sadness together and not choose selectively what to go through together and what not to. Was I wrong to think that way? This was how I treat all my friends but yet when I'm in trouble, nobody was there for me. Instead of consolation, all I got was accusations and the 'see i told you' kinda attitude.. do I deserve that???
thanks for listening... I'm not sure whether did I do wrong this time or have I scolded the wrong person this time.. but thanks for listening...
post #2 of 19
Kate - Jake told me to check out your thread. I think you are right. A good friend would stick with you through thick and thin. If I have friends who are not willing to stand by me when there are hard times or sad times, then I know I cannot count on them to be a true friend. A true friend is always there for you, no matter what. And that is how I see you.
post #3 of 19
Hi Kate,

I agree with Kellye- true friends stick together no matter what- even if they feel uncomfortable about the situation. Ur friends are VERY lucky to have u supporting them-wish they would do the same toward u.. HANG in there....
Pamela
post #4 of 19
no you were not wrong,what kind of friend would't be there for such a sad thing?A couple of my friend have lost a child and I was there for them. No it was't easy.but not all of thing in life are. You are a good and loving person. I will pray for your friend and her baby. God Bless.
post #5 of 19
Your friend needs you right now, and many will shy away from her as they do not like to confront the subject of death. She is fortunate that she gets to see the baby even after he has passed away. It will forever haunt me that I never got to see my son, he was to sick and they were to busy with him to even snap the customary birth photo. Since he died at another hospital, I couldn't even go and spend any time with him. Your friend will need this time to come to terms with what has happened. Most hospitals (now) will clean up the child and let the mom and dad just sit with them.It may sound gross to some reading this, but it is a necessary step towards recovery and healing. I am so sorry for your friend's pain- I know it well.
post #6 of 19
A friend is someone you can count on, not someone who is there just for the fun stuff. I don't think you were wrong to scold your friend. Of course she feels uncomfortable, but she should be willing, like you were, to help the friend who lost the baby.
post #7 of 19
I agree with all the others here. I don't think you were in the wrong at all, don't let anyone tell you differently. Death is very difficult for people to deal with, especially when it involves a tiny baby. Your friend's baby is now with God in a wonderful place where he will never know suffering, and will always feel much happiness and joy. I am so sorry this has happened, and I am sending many thoughts and prayers to you, your friend and her husband.
post #8 of 19
It sounds like you are a good friend, no matter what, and you definitely deserved better from your friends when they were not there for you. I am sure considering your recent ordeal, that this is doubly hard for you. I think you are a strong and compassionate person, and don't ever let anyone tell you any different.
I will also remember you, your friend, and her baby in my prayers. I hope she realizes what she has in you.
post #9 of 19
Going to see the baby is something nice you can do, but a lot of people cannot handle that kind of situation. It's not that they're being mean or rude, it's that they cannot emotionally handle that kind of situation. I think your friends who refused to go see the baby were the kind that cannot handle that kind of situation. I myself would barely be able to handle it. I think going to see the baby is a very generous thing if you can do it.
post #10 of 19
Quote:
Originally posted by TTMom
Going to see the baby is something nice you can do, but a lot of people cannot handle that kind of situation. It's not that they're being mean or rude, it's that they cannot emotionally handle that kind of situation. I think your friends who refused to go see the baby were the kind that cannot handle that kind of situation. I myself would barely be able to handle it. I think going to see the baby is a very generous thing if you can do it.
Ericka has expressed my opinion, too. No, you weren't wrong to express your anger/disappointment - maybe the next time one of your friends experiences such a tragedy, the others will think of the example you set, and follow it. Your reaction is perfectly natural, but so is theirs. I'm so glad for your friend that she has somebody like you - somebody she can utterly depend on in good and bad times. When my older brother died at age 37, I got a lot of support from some friends and relatives, while others, including my husband, couldn't deal with the idea of mortality or with my grief. Some people are more compassionate (or can express their compassion more readily), or have more experience than others. Look at TCS - there's a forum here for people to express their grief over lost pets - I'm sure it is a great help, because they probably don't get much understanding from family, friends, or co-workers who have never had pets and never experienced the bonds that are forged.
post #11 of 19
Kate,

You have it right, and you are obviously a good and true friend to those you care about. Sometimes, it comes down to treating others as you believe they should be treated (your concept of friendship, which is the only correct one, imo) despite their not returning that kind of treatment to you. Ultimately, we can only responsible for how we behave, and hope that we have a positive effect on others.

<<<hugs>>> your friend in the hospital will be very grateful for your caring and kind friendship,
post #12 of 19
TTmom and jcat said what I feel. I don't think that I could handle going to see the baby, no matter how good a friend that was. But that doesn't mean not being there, IMO. You can be there even if you don't go see the baby, support the friend in other ways, and just go see her and do what you can do. I can understand your feelings too though, but people are different, some just can't handle this type of thing and it's not necessarily that they don't want to be there for the friend.
post #13 of 19
Thread Starter 
Hey guys, thanks for all the kind words... you guys have reassured me that my actions were right... I saw the baby, small and blue due to lack of oxygen.. cried for a good ten minutes before I could go in to visit my friend... It means a lot to my friend that I have gone to see her baby... this child is also my godson... this baby is one that I will always love no doubt he is no longer around. Thanks for all your prayers and kind words. I'll make sure my friend knows it.
post #14 of 19
[quote]Originally posted by kateang
I saw the baby, small and blue due to lack of oxygen.. cried for a good ten minutes before I could go in to visit my friend... It means a lot to my friend that I have gone to see her baby...

You sound like a good friend. Don't let people stop you from doing what you know is right. Like you, I am always there for any friend that needs me. I am the first to call, the first one on the scene, and the last to leave. My friends all know who to turn to, yet I always seem to be handling my own crises on my own. My philosophy: They'll get their just rewards in the end. In the meantime, I'm proud of myself for being the kind of friend I would like to find. Be proud of yourself. :angel4:
post #15 of 19
**Hugs**

I'm so sorry to hear of this Kate.

You were right in what you did. You weren't wrong in expressing your opinion to your friends. Though some people aren't emotionally equipped to deal with death and the Chinese culture doesn't always help when it comes to that issue.

You're a wonderful friend for anyone to have. You can be depended on, even in the most difficult situations. You are a good person. Don't doubt yourself so much.

No doubt that you will support your friend and her husband through this time of grief. Don't forget that you too need to grieve as well. (I could be incredibly wrong here but that is what I get from your post.) Feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk. I can't promise to be on MSN as often as I was in the time leading up to Christams as my time is taken up with work.
post #16 of 19
You are not wrong. It's important to your friend that people realize the baby is real. She is looking for validation. And going to see the baby (as she wishes) is the least you can do as friends. It will help her with her grief.
post #17 of 19
Kate,

I have been meaning to catch up to you, and it just hasn't happened, has it!? Anyways, I am so sorry you and your friend are going through this right now! It must be so hard for both of you! I think you are doing a great job being a good friend, and a lot of times, the other person just needs someone to be there and listen to them. I hope you are doing ok yourself. Hopefully we'll catch up soon!

Pam

P.S. I sent you an e-card, did you get it???
post #18 of 19
I think it's comforting to know that someone loves your baby (be it human or feline ) as much as you do. I'm not sure why, but it just feels good. When you love something so much, you feel like everyone in the world should love it just as much b/c it deserves it. So going to see her baby will help her in so many ways, and it'll be something she never ever forgets you've done for her. I guess in a way it's to let her know she's not alone. She's not the only one who cares or is hurting.

I'm so very sorry for the loss.
post #19 of 19
Thread Starter 
Hey pam, thanks for the e card.. have received it..and i will catch up with you someday on the msn..
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