Let me tell you about my Princess

melaq

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Thank you everyone who has replied to my posts in the health section.  I'm grateful this forum is here.  I don't want to dwell so much on the way our kitty left us, but I will link the post here if it will help anyone else, just as other people's posts here helped me.  Her health thread is here.

This is more-or-less the same post I put up on my website. I think she would want as many people as possible to know her. I think she'd like being a little bit famous.  

Once upon a time, thirteen years ago, there was a silly, black kitten playing with her sister in a Petsmart adoption center. I had come by just by chance, hoping that I'd find the girl I was going to adopt.  I had traveled miles, gotten lost in strange cities, just to find the right one.  And here she was.  

She was named "Aya", but soon after bringing her home, we realized how much of a Princess she was. From her first, indignant hiss at the older cat, Thaddeus, to the way she demanded her food with that little prissy mew that we'd come to love. 
She was truly a princess. Somewhere deep inside her, she had that royal-bred instinct, which made her feel entitled to pretty much everything she wanted.   She wasn't so much a Queen... Queens had responsibilities, and the little Princess never wanted to do anything unless she wished it.  

She became the reluctant "big sister" to my beloved tabby Niko, until he passed away in 2008.  She tolerated Thaddeus, just barely, even though he was around first.  When I moved to my house on Geneva Street, she loved sitting on the porch or the deck when I allowed her to. She loved being outside so much, she decided to wander out once or twice, going on overnight adventures much to my mini-heart attacks.   Since moving back to the city and becoming an apartment dweller again, Aya never had the opportunity to sit outside in the sun again. 
 ​
And being the Princess that she was, was excellent at one thing: being the perfect hostess.  Whenever people were over, she was never shy.  She would trot out, her big, fluffy tail in the air, greet everyone with a sniff (as if to ask how you were, and if you needed drinks, hors d'oeuvres). Then she would flop down in the middle of everyone, ready to be praised and doted on.  

My  partner confided to me how he didn't really appreciate her princess-like attitude when he first met her. She trotted around with her tail in the air, acting like she owned the place. But she claimed him (mostly as furniture, his chest when he was lying down was a passable divan for this lady), and she managed to get into his heart, as I knew she would.  
 ​
One day the Princess became sick. We weren't sure how long she was sick for... being a cat, and a very dignified one at that, she refused to show anyone her weaknesses.  She might have been sick for a long time, we will never know.  When we realized how sick she was, it might have been too late to do anything.  

I don't want to dwell on her final days.  She didn't linger too long, at least;  she left us at home, with us by her side telling her how beautiful she is.  

I know I will miss her forever, just like I miss my beloved Niko.  I'll never hear that prissy meow again, demanding her breakfast and dinner.  I'll never wake up with her purring softly beside me. I'll miss her fluffy tail, her chubbiness, and all her silly quirks.  I hope if there is a kitty heaven, that she is lying on the grass, under the sun, watching the birds in the sky. 
 ​
I was trying to think of a nice memorial for her, so I started to draw (I draw as a hobby).  I came up with this silly sketch, but I think I managed to capture how I see her.  Drawing this memorial was a little bit of therapy for me too, but I still cried when I finished it.  I didn't really plan on sharing it anywhere else;  I hope other cat lovers could appreciate it. 
 
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catapault

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That is such a wonderful tribute to your much loved Princess. What a beautiful, regal cat. And thank you for sharing your tribute drawing. It is just charming. But then, look at the excellent quality of your subject matter.

She had a wonderful life with you.
 

misterwhiskers

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She really deserves the tribute. You captured her personality there perfectly. What a beauty. RIP, Aya.
 

di and bob

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Her tribute was like a fairy tale, she truly was a princess in your family and will continue to rule her 'kingdom' across the bridge. When they leave us it leaves such an emptiness in our lives it is hard to put into words how much they are missed. I'm so happy she died at home with the ones that meant the most to her by her side, as is only right, she may have left this world but she will reign forever in your hearts and in your precious memories. I cried as I read your story, you so beautifully captured her 'essence' that I feel as if I know and loved her too, thank you for letting the world know of this wonderful girl. I'm so sorry for your loss, and the loss to this world, the angels will take special care of  your princess, may you be blessed for your love and devotion to God's special creations, and may he welcome her back to His loving arms. RIP beautiful Princess, you will never be forgotten!
 

nurseangel

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I love the pictures of your princess, and the drawing, too.  It captures something so special.  I am very sorry for your loss.  
 
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melaq

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@Catapault, @Di and Bob,  @nurseangel, @misterwhiskers, @My4LLMA, thank you so much for your replies.

I'm still missing her every day, and I know it will get easier, but I'm walking around like a ghost just trying to adjust to life without her. I go back and forth to wanting to see her photos all the time, to not wanting to see them because it hurts too much to know that she'll never be in this world again.  

Thank you again.   
 

jcat

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Princess's personality is obvious in every line of your tribute. My condolences on your loss of such a precious kitty. RIP, Princess. :rbheart:
 
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melaq

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I wanted to thank everyone again for your kind responses.

It's been a week and three days since Aya died. I've kept myself busy and though I miss her I thought I was doing okay.

That was until today. On Friday, my partner picked up Aya's ashes, so that was waiting for me on the book shelf when I came home. It was in a nice oak box.

Today, we went for a walk, and when I came home, I realized I didn't have much to do. I had finished my projects (one was actually a nice photobook about her), and I sat down on the couch to rest for the rest of the day.

Suddenly I started missing her. I just started missing everything about her and for the next two hours I couldn't stop crying. I was trying so hard to help her so I could have just a little more time with her. She represented something deep and personal for me and I didn't realize how losing her would affect me. I am so sad, and I don't know where to go and who to talk to. Not a lot of people in my real life... Even other pet owners it seems...would understand loving and losing a cat.

Aya is safe now and free from pain, I know. But I'm left here so sad, with so many regrets, questions, self blame... The works. And I can't stop crying.

Sorry for this.. I really had to write this all down. I just don't know what to do now.
 
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di and bob

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Of course you are sad, you lost someone who was bonded to your heart. There will be a lot of 'sad' days, I always think of it like the ocean , serene and you think you'll be fine, and then a tsunami comes along and you're right back to square one. The regrets and self blame are a natural part of the grieving process, believe me you are not alone in feeling this way. Just go ahead and cry, you need to let a little of the pain loose instead of bottling it up inside, you have a reason to be sad. We all here at this site understand your love and your loss and will be here for you if you want, sometimes it helps to surround yourself with fellow cat people who understand and want to help. My Chrissy has been gone for almost three years and every time I clean her memorial stone I still get choked up with the feeling of such great loss it takes my breathe away. Will the pain ever go away? I wish I could tell you yes, but I truly believe that it will get better and easier to live with as time goes by, it did for me. I can at least think of her now with no crying (most of the time). My heart breaks for what you are going through. I know it helped me in those early days to help out at the local shelter, I paid for the kitty that was there the longest to get adopted in my Chrissy's name, I knew she would like that. Even though I still can't share my heart again yet with another, I pray I will again one day, I still have my two boys who comfort me greatly. Bless you for loving so much, I pray you can find comfort in your memories one day. I'm so sorry. 
 
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melaq

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Di and Bob, I've read your words over and over again... Grasping onto anything G that is comforting, I think. And you have been so comforting. Thank you, I very much appreciate it. I'm sorry about Chrissy and just like myself, I hope you'll find another little soul that needs your love.
 

ruthm

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I am sorry for the loss of your sweet Princess.  It's so hard, a kind friend recently reminded me that we really do never get over them, just get used to them being in our hearts instead of in our arms.
 

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