I'm so sorry...

I'm not sure how to start this, maybe I'm overly sentimental or some might think plain crazy, but I can't wrap my head around everything that happened in the last years.

First of all, I lost a little kitten yesterday, one me and my boyfriend just rescued three days before from the dumpster. I rushed him to the vet and was severely dehydrated, was starving, hypothermic and with running nose and eyes. The odds were slim from the beginning but we really hoped that that small two week old fella would make it. There were moments when he seemed better, but then he got worse. I feel I wronged him because I had no experience in taking care of kittens this young and should have found someone that knew how warm to keep him and how much to feed him etc. Now I know in such cases every little detail has to be perfect. Now I'm obviously blaming myself and I promise never to take them in again and rather find people with experience and pay for all they need to care for them the right way. 

Three weeks ago I lost another cat, Berry. Again we rescued him after he was hit by a car. After a month or two he seemed totally recovered and took him to my parents home where he would have the whole house and a huge garden just for himself, rather then our one room apartment. Everything was ok, he got along with my parents and my parents loved this overly friendly fella. He died for apparently no reason, they just found him dead at the front door, even though he ate and played like usual the night before and nothing seemed wrong. 

Before him we had Hannah. Last year in fall we got close to celebrating a year since we got her and we also made an appointment for her to get sterilized but she disappeared a day before. No one knows what happened to her. And this is weird because all my parents neighbors know our family and that includes the cat. 

Just the same way disappeared Phoebe. We had her for three years and was sterilized but just didn't show up one day. None of them used to wander too far away, like mostly one or two houses on the right or left and also we don't know of any neighbors that use poison for rodents or anything, they all have pets and they all know us since my family is been there for about 50 years. And I also see no reason why anyone would steal a full grown cat.

I feel this is emotionally exhausting for me and can't think of how my parents felt, especially my dad who cared a lot about the cats. 

All neighbors have cats and dogs and I haven't heard of any of them go missing like this.

I love them so much and all I want for them is to be happy around us but something is terribly wrong, I thing we're doing something terribly wrong and my dad might try to bring in two cats once he finishes some renovations and if anything happens to them I will strongly suggest to him to stop since it's either something in the environment we don't notice or maybe a crazy neighbor we don't know about. 

As for me, I think this is it. I will stick to feeding the feral cats around our apartment and finding help for them. I don't see myself sheltering them anymore. 

Having a cat is such and incredible experience, I just wish I could have cared for them the way they deserve it. I am very sorry for all the harm I've probably done but it was never my intention.

Don't ever blame yourself for helping a helpless creature and trying to do what is right. You tried to 'fix' the unfixable, it was just not meant to be. Some things are beyond yours and mine to control, and the best help in the world would not make a difference. Your intentions and your heart is kind and pure, you did absolutely nothing wrong except to try to help these sweet lost souls. Don't stop trying, you still make a difference in these cats lives, you showed them love and caring when the world treated them so badly. It's not in you to stop trying, just like it's not in many of us to turn our backs on a cat in need, grieve for the lost but keep your heart open to the ones in need, there are so many. I know the pain of loss too, but like you I know my heart is endless in it's capacity to love and care for a helpless cat in need. I'll p[ray for you and the sweet ones you have lost, to be blessed for trying to help and for loving them when no one else would. I for one think of you as a hero and commend what you are doing, it is so very hard, but keep on the great work you do and come here for the comfort and advise you need. Thank you from me, and from those sweet angels at the Rainbow Bridge, they for one would never have anything but love for you. Take care of yourself and keep busy, it helps. 

It's really comforting talking here, Thank you so much for your kind words! 

You are right, I will never stop caring and will try to help them as much as I can. I don't have too many possibilities to go on rescue missions, but those that cross my path I will never walk by. 

I miss all of them... everyone of them was special and different and incredible and so much more.

Wish I knew what happened to their 9 lives... 

I'm so sorry for all your losses, my thoughts and prayers go out to you.

I'm very sorry to hear this. I know you did all you could for him, I am sure he knows it too. For three days he was fed, loved and cared for. I'm sure he was grateful for that, he passed with family, think how far worse if you hadn't gotten him out of the dumpster. I'm very sorry for Barry as well. You did give him extra time and kept him from suffering considering he was hit. For outdoor cats, its tougher for them. Not knowing how old he was or anything, hopefully he went peacefully. I'm very sorry for Hannah, maybe a kind soul decided to keep her since she was not spayed yet. I am sorry for Phoebe as well. Do you know if there are coyotes or maybe free running neighborhood dogs? I would suggest that if and when your father decides to get another kitty, please suggest they stay inside, its safer for them. Please do not blame yourself for any of this. Guilt is a horrible emotion and it will mess with you. All you can do is learn from it. I do hope that you'll adopt another kitty when the time is right. Run free kitties, all of them.

I'm so sorry for your loss and for your dad's, as well.  Please don't feel guilty; you are blessing for everything you've done.  The world needs more kind hearts like yours.