Dear Cat,
* When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions so you are still in the way.
* The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
* The hallway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the end of the hall is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
* I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to me stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but kitty sarcasm.
* My phone cord is not black licorice.
* For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
* In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; feline attendance is not mandatory.
* The bathroom sink is for washing hands and was not meant to be your personal water fountain. I'm tired of being summoned to the bathroom when you are ready for a drink. The bowl of water in the kitchen is not contaminated and has no floaters! So from now on you will drink from there... I put fresh water in daily!
* Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.
1. The cat lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want cat hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my cat a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, he's a cat. To me, he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak very good English.
5. My cat is better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, sometimes come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and you can sterilize them so they don't get pregnant.
I almost peed myself when I read this.
* When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions so you are still in the way.
* The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
* The hallway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the end of the hall is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
* I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to me stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but kitty sarcasm.
* My phone cord is not black licorice.
* For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
* In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; feline attendance is not mandatory.
* The bathroom sink is for washing hands and was not meant to be your personal water fountain. I'm tired of being summoned to the bathroom when you are ready for a drink. The bowl of water in the kitchen is not contaminated and has no floaters! So from now on you will drink from there... I put fresh water in daily!
* Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.
1. The cat lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want cat hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my cat a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, he's a cat. To me, he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak very good English.
5. My cat is better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, sometimes come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and you can sterilize them so they don't get pregnant.
I almost peed myself when I read this.
