The first anniversary of Back's death :(

cataan

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It has been 365 days – a full year – since the death of my friend Back.  It doesn’t seem like 365 days; it seems like just yesterday that he died.  That’s probably because I’ve thought about him every single day for 365 days.   As many of you know, I blame myself for his cardiac arrest when I put him in the carrier while he was in distress with a hairball.  That horrific scream he made when I put him in and those sad whimpers after he stopped wailing haunt me to this day.  While I’ve lamented what I did, I’ve never said much about Back.  Given this first anniversary I would like to tell you all about him.  Maybe you’ll recognize that special cat you had or have that bonded with you too.   Maybe this is the only way I have of letting him live on -- in the minds of others.   I don’t know; maybe I just feel a sense of duty to him.

 
You know how you have the one favorite cat who stands apart from other cats?  Back was NOT that cat, at least originally.  Of the four cats my then-gf and I had, he was affectionately known as “Fourth Favorite”.   In fact, he was an afterthought.  I had decided I wanted to foster a super cute kitten who resembled our three year old cat, and I told the adoption organization to give him a friend – pick one, any one, it doesn’t matter.  So, Shadow (Back’s original name) was taken away from his four siblings and joined the other kitten to be fostered by me.  A couple weeks later I became a foster failure.  :)

Back was kind of a weird kitten.  He looked more like a tiny black bear cub – poofy black fur with a pointy face/nose.  And he didn’t meow – he squealed, squeaked, chirped, cooed, clucked, yipped, and yapped.  I remember thinking “Don’t you know how to meow like a normal cat?”  He was also a bit standoffish as he spent most of the days under the sofa, futon, or table.  He was timid.  And he was a sycophant of sorts – he absolutely idolized the ten year old adult cat we had and would constantly seek his attention: he was always trying to be near him, swirl him with his tail, etc.  But this adult cat wanted nothing to do with Back – he liked playing with and bathing the other kitten, but Back was always ignored, except for the occasional swat.  Oh how you could see the longing and pain in Back’s eyes.  He really wanted to be accepted by the top cat.  One day, about two years after adopting the kittens, the top cat gave Back a bath – and Back’s expression was priceless, he was so happy!
 
Back had other quirks too.  He loved laying on his back (hence his name), and he was extraordinarily anxious and scared.  The way I knew pizza was delivered wasn’t by hearing a knock at the door.   In fact, I wouldn’t hear any knock at all, but Back would, and he would race into my room, jump up onto my dresser, throw himself down the other side, and spend the next eight hours under it in hiding.  Same thing if he heard a knock on the neighbor’s door.  I never understood why he was so easily scared.  Worst of all was the cat carrier – when put in it he would wail and moan incessantly (eeeooowww, eeeooowww).
 
But his best quirk?  Champion fetcher!  He would drop all sorts of toys at my feet (hair band, rubber band, stuffed animal, etc.) and squeal with anticipation until I threw the toy.  And then like lightning he would race after it and bring it back.

After two years or so our eldest cat was diagnosed with heart disease, and for the next year and a half my focus was on him, so regrettably I don’t recall much of Back from that time period.  When the adult cat eventually died the then-gf and I split up and she took one cat while I kept Back and his friend.  And, over time, something remarkable happened: Back grew out of his shell.  He stopped spending so much time in hiding and instead wanted to spend it with me.  

Eventually I realized something unexpected: I loved him more than the other cat.  He had moved up from “Fourth Favorite” to “Best Friend”.  If we were in the same room and I called his name he would wag his tail.  If we were in different rooms and I called his name he would come running to me.  He loved to jump into my lap, flip himself over, and be cradled like a baby while he grabbed my hand and nibbled on my fingers.  When it was time for breakfast he would wrap his tail around my leg and chirp “hehehe” as we walked side by side.  When I got home from work he and his friend would greet me at the door, then his friend would run into the kitchen whining about dinner while Back just ran in circles around my feet following me wherever I went.  If I picked him up and threw him across the room onto the sofa he would run back to me for another throw.  He loved to jump onto the bathroom sink counter and I taught him something cool:  I would pat my chest and lean toward him then he would put his paws up on me and rub his face on my chin while I scritched his chin.   

When I would be at my computer I would look down and see Back sitting there, wagging his tail, with a look of anticipation on his face – sure enough there would be a toy at his feet.  I would tell him not right now Back, I am working.  A minute later he would leave, then come back and sit there wagging his tail.  I’d look down and now there would be two toys.  This would repeat over and over until a mound of toys had formed, at which point I couldn’t help but play with him.   The moment I would lean over to pick up a toy he would squeal with joy, running around in circles, jumping up and pawing at the toy.  I have a video where I toss a toy up onto the highest cupboard in the kitchen and Back jumps onto the counter, then onto the fridge, then onto the cupboard up by the ceiling, nabs the toy, jumps back down and drops it at my feet.  Then I turn and throw it across the kitchen, through the dining room, and onto a window sill (good shot by me).  Back races toward the window, under the dining room table, jumps onto the sill, and without missing a beat grabs the toy, does a 180, jumps down, and races back to me.
 
The thing about Back was that after he grew out of his shell he became more than a cat – he became a true friend.  I’ve loved all of my cats, but my relationship with Back was different, as it evolved over a period of years.  All of my cats have been sweet, affectionate, and friendly, but there is a different feeling associated with that interaction.  It feels as though they are being affectionate for themselves.  Back always came across as interacting with me for *us* rather than for himself.  Does that make sense?
I always joked with Back that he didn’t need to be so scared of things; that no one was going to hurt him.  A week or so before his death he had a hairball that was very concerning to me and, after giving him something to eat after he expelled it, I mused “Back, these hairballs are going to be the death of you one day.”  I reminded myself that he was terrified of the carrier so I should not put him in it while he was dealing with a hairball, but if he had another one this distressing I should take him to the vet after he expelled it.

The evening before Mother's Day last year I was watching television with Back.  During a commercial we played fetch then I rubbed his belly and gave him a kiss.  I told him how in two weeks he and his friend were going to be moving to a new home, one with three levels so they could play chase all over the house and even wipe out on hardwood floors – he was going to love it!   The following night I found myself out on a farm under a cloudy sky, holding a shovel, an emptiness in my heart.   With tears in my eyes a question kept rolling off my lips:  “What have I done, Back… what have I done?”

[Thank you to StephenQ for helping edit the pics below.  The first one is back looking cute on my futon.  The second and third are him as a kitten squealing about fetching a hair band (it can be seen near him in the third pic after he brought it back and is waiting for another throw).  The fourth is him leaning in for an ear/head scritch.  The last is Back in my lap gazing up into my eyes.]

 

catconcern

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Hi there my friend. Me and you are much alike aren't we. Almost a year for me too and like you it doesn't feel like such. I can't believe it. Everyday, we think about our boys. Tormented by the past. You're not alone. God bless you and your boy.

That's a nice tribute for back. It sounds very, very familiar. They become more than just a cat. But our companions, eternally.

Peace to you good man.
 

di and bob

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He was more then a companion and a friend, he was your soulmate. The first anniversary is always so painful to take, everything that we had been trying to come to terms with comes rushing back in to torment us and to let us know what a terrific loss we have experienced. You have all those wonderful, precious memories to comfort you in your time of need, treasure the time you spent with him and try not to dwell on the memories you cannot change. He loved you with all his heart and would not want to see you remember him with such sadness, he would want you to love again, to pass on this wonderful legacy he left you. Keep him in your heart where he is loved and safe, it is only right. Bless you for hurting so bad for loving so much.
 
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cataan

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Have you ever had a cat that routinely talks with you?  I don't mean in English!  It's weird having so much silence for the last year.  Back would distinctly make eye contact with me and then say something such as "Gluck gluck" or "Ah... ah!" or "Err, err" or "He he he".  My current boys will very occasionally make a quick meow to me, but that's not really the same thing.
 

nurseangel

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What beautiful pictures and a lovely tribute.  
  I also like the name Back.  He is an angel.
 

pharber-murphy

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What a wonderful cat he was! He brought so much fun and joy into your life; it's no wonder you miss him terribly. This was a great tribute to a wonderful cat. Thank you for sharing Back with us!

Best regards.
 
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