New cat won't warm up to me

Hi everyone

Could anyone who's gone through a similar situation please advise?

I rehomed this older cat just over a week ago. I was completely prepared for the fact that she would be shy and it would take her some time to feel safe in her new home and around me. Indeed it has not been an easy week, which started with a very scaredy cat hiding behind the sofa until there was absolutely no sign of me around, and if I was around (even though I'm making a point of giving her space), she would constantly hiss and growl at me.

A week after, and she's very comfortable around the flat. She climbs over the tall cupboards, sniffs every corner of the flat, sleeps on a few different spots around the place and has even been happily playing with her toys.

HOWEVER, it's still a completely different story with me. Even though she will eat treats off my hand, she will always make a point of hissing at me when she gets near. The other day I thought we had made major progress when she head-butted my hand as I was feeding her some treats, but that was simultaneous with a hiss! Today she spent quite of lot of time looking at me and at what I was up to (I was cleaning the flat), however if I passed by her she would hiss again and again, although she hasn't been running away much. And she absolutely refuses the "explore my surroundings", getting closer to me the same way she explored the house. An example is my bedroom, which I have been keeping the door open so she can get in at any time, especially when I'm sleeping, and maybe start realising that I'm no threat.

I've read a lot of websites and blogs who all insist that I give her time, ignore her (especially not look at her directly as cats feel threatened by it), make a point in showing her it's me who feeds her and changes her litter, give her treats, read nearby her so she gets used to my voice... You name it and I've probably done it. But I'm starting to think that she'll never warm up to me and she will always attack me if I try to get close to her even in months to come. It's very frustrating.

The more opinions and stories I can hear here the more I will appreciate!

I'm sure you will receive the same type of advice you've been reading up on.  Patience is the best way to deal with cats!

You may also be advised to try some calming products like Feliway plugins. I have no experience with this, however, so I hope someone chimes in! 

Is your home catified? Does it have vertical space for your cat to claim and look out over you?

Hmmm.. I was thinking you could even rub her scent all over you. Maybe rub your body against places where she sleeps so both your scents get mixed together. 

How are you approaching her, by the way? That might also play a part in helping you interact with her safely. 

You're doing great!  It has only been ONE WEEK and she's out and about, not hiding.  The hissing is not aggression, it is just FEAR.  She was a scared kitty when you got her, obviously not raised with a lot of chaos (those kittens raised with kids and dogs are bulletproof!!)  You should check her background so you know as much as you can about her.  Where did she come from?  Was she raised in a home or born wild and brought into a home later?  Was she raised by just one person?  Is she used to men AND women?  My foster cats are often a little scared of men because there are rarely any men in my house, just women!  Men are louder, their voices are lower, their footsteps different, and my cats go into hiding when a man comes in, but they hold their ground when a female friend comes in.  Also, I am older and have no kids and dogs, so the noise of kids and dogs can scare them.  I make sure the new owners set up ONE ROOM for the cat to be its safe haven, where the food and litter and bed are for the first few days.  Then they can leave the door open to the rest of the house, and when the cat is scared, it will run back to its own room which is its safe space.  Over time, MOST of them come out of their shell and blend in with the new family.  On occasion this does not happen, and I will always take those cats back.

The fact that your new cat head-butted you is a sign she WANTS to be buddies with you.  The fact that she simultanelusly hissed is a sign that she is still a little scared of you.  Talk to her a LOT, without trying to touch her.  Baby talk her, tell her what a lovely little thing she is and how much you love her and what a good life you will have together.  Tell her you kow she's scared and you understand, and you hope she gets over it soon.  Put treats down in front of her so she can see your hands coming towards her mean GOOD things.  Find some interactive toys she might like -- DaBird is a great one!!  The laser light dot is also good for most cats although it is less of a bonding experience because they don't associate it with the human.  Try catnip and see if she likmes it.  75% of them seem to and the others hate it or are indifferent.  Do not worry about the hissing at all because it is only done in fear.  Aggression involves vocalization almost always.  Boys fighting spend a long time vocalizing at each other to see who can yell the loudest!  Hissing is simply a defense mechanism, "Don't mess with me, I'm a snake!"

Recently I had a non-neutered male in my study (he belongs to a neighbor who doesn't neuter or spay her cats and has a lot of them)/  Anyhow, he was an intact male about 18 onths old and has been visiting my house for the last 4 months.  He showed up to visit the night before the spay van was going to be here so I scooped him up and brought him in and the next day he got neutered and got his rabies shot.  He had to be kept inside for a week and for the first few days the carrier was his "cave" and he retreated to it whenever I came in.  I fed him and petted him and he would still hiss when I came in, but he hissed less if he could hear me talking to him before I entered the room, and by the end of the week there were no hisses.  He is back outside now but still comes for dinner every night and sometimes hangs out on my porch.  He always got along with my other cats, but the girls would run him off (mine are all spayed and neutered of course).  Now that he is fixed, going into the 2nd week now, the girls no longer take issue with him.

He doesn't hiss at me any more either.  You are doing great for one week.  Let us know how things are a week from now!

My feeling is that if she eats treats from your hand and has "head-butted" you, then it really is just a matter of time and patience. Don't worry about the hissing...She is just trying to establish some "ground rules" and make sure you understand that she will be the one to decide when/if you two become best buds! A week is awfully soon to expect too much from an older cat. Just don't give up on her...respect the clues she gives you. Females are by nature a little more aloof than males (in my experience) and slower to trust. But definitely be encouraged by the head-butt and eating from your hand.

Hi all
Thanks so much for the comments.
In answer to some of your questions, I have Feltham plugged in the the living room, where she spends most of her time, and in the bedroom.
I don't normally approach her, I let her come to me, i.e. when I'm feeding her I get down to the floor and let her see I'm pouring her food in her plate. Same with the treats, I don't go after her, I wait to see her nearby then offer the treat. She comes as close as putting her 2 front paws on my lap but like I said, added with hissing, and quickly she's gone. She has access to the high kitchen cupboards and has started going there, I can tell she feels very comfortable up there and even snore when she has a nap there!
I know her background cause she was rehomed straight from her old owner, who was a young lady very loving to her, who had a boy who also got along with her. Only the mother of the girl would do the odd yelling at the cat, but there was never abuse. She lived with this family since a baby for 10 years - so yes, I do appreciate that moving in with me is a major adjustment and I'm prepared to be patient.
But I can also tell she's quite an aggressive cat, it took 3 people to put her inside the carrier and a lot of scratching, proper attacking and obviously loud growling and yesterday she also attacked the mop while I was cleaning so that aggressiveness is very much there.
All I want is for the cat to live a happy life, feel secure in my arms (or my lap, her choice!) so we can bond and have peace together.

Hi all
Thanks so much for the comments.
In answer to some of your questions, I have Feliway plugged in the the living room, where she spends most of her time, and in the bedroom.
I don't normally approach her, I let her come to me, i.e. when I'm feeding her I get down to the floor and let her see I'm pouring her food in her plate. Same with the treats, I don't go after her, I wait to see her nearby then offer the treat. She comes as close as putting her 2 front paws on my lap but like I said, added with hissing, and quickly she's gone.
I know her background cause she as rehomed straight from her old owner, who was a girl very loving to her, who had a boy who also got along with her. Only the mother of the girl would do the odd yelling at the cat, but there was never abuse. She lived with this family since a baby for 10 years - so yes, I do appreciate that moving in with me is a major

We took on a foster kitten about 3 months ago and adopted her because she got along so well with our cat.  She still avoids my husband, watches him from a distance.  She is just beginning to put her paws on my lap for a treat.  Rarely comes up on the sofas by us.  Her personality is still emerging.  I would just enjoy the process and let her take her time.  BTW the mop thing LOL  Yesterday our cat was swatting at the vacumn.  Maybe if I did it more often . . .

Is there any chance you can contact her former family and maybe get a towel or something with their smell on it, to help with the transition?

Cats are really creatures of habit. Case in point, I put on clothes the other day that my cat hadn't seen me wear in a long time, and from two rooms over his tail puffed and he was terrified. So to have this middle aged cat lady [emoji]128570[/emoji] sleeping on your cabinets is, to me, a fantastic sign.

Wow, Handsome Kitty, 3 months?! That's an awful long time and it worries me!

Misterwhiskers, I don't mean to sound like a jealous girl, but don't you think that using the old owner's scent will make her getting used to me even more difficult? She isn't nervous about her environment after all, she's freely walking around, exploring, sniffing, playing in boxes... It's just me that she refuses to get close to.

Will she play with interactive toys with you? It can be a great way to bond with a cat. I know she's a senior, but my 13 year old still plays a bit - just not for as long or as intensely as he did when he was younger.

She will warm up to you in time. Ok, she may never be the biggest cuddler in the world, but she will bond with you. I know it's hard, but let it not be a big deal. The more anxious you are to make friends the longer the process will take. Hang in there and be patient. It'll come when she's ready.

rennielondon said:

 
Wow, Handsome Kitty, 3 months?! That's an awful long time and it worries me!

Misterwhiskers, I don't mean to sound like a jealous girl, but don't you think that using the old owner's scent will make her getting used to me even more difficult? She isn't nervous about her environment after all, she's freely walking around, exploring, sniffing, playing in boxes... It's just me that she refuses to get close to.

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i'm thinking that leaving some clothing with your scent on them around your home may be something that could, over time, help your girl to become familiar with your scent and you. this is something that's done many times during cat to cat introductions/integrations, which can help both cats become more comfortable -- first with the other cat's scent, and then when they eventually start meeting face to face and having supervised visits being familiar with each others scents can cause less stress for them. just let your girl investigate the items with your scent on them when she's ready. in fact, you may not see her checking these items out because she may do that at night or when you're not at home -- at least at first.

Yes 3 months does seem long but I'm not in a hurry.  We had the 7-10 day cat intro stretch into 2-3 weeks due to Fluffy getting sick and then having a reaction to her 3 n 1 booster.  Then we had to separate the cats due to Eclipse catching pneumonia and didn't want Fluffy to catch whatever caused it.  Then Fluffy had a digestive issue - still not sure what it was but vet recommended keeping cats separate for 4-5 days.  She is also very skittish.  I didn't think she would ever come downstairs. My sister recommended moving her food closer to the stairs then down the stairs until she was eating w/Eclipse.  But loud noise still startle her.  My husband wears hard sole work shoes then takes them off and wears sandels that squeak when he gets home.  He's clueless.  The pots and pans clanking during dinner prep in the kitchen would send her flying upstairs every evening.  She is only 9 months old and I know nothing of her history.  She is very cautious, always has a way out and until recently wouldn't go into any 'caves' or tunnels in the house.  My son just came home from college and she won't let him within 3 feet of her.  I guess she doesn't remember him from spring break. Every week she is a little different.  Last week the 2 cats were snuggled together in the cat tree. 

How is your kitty coming along?

Well, the good news is that she looks incredibly at ease now at home. She goes everywhere, explores everywhere. I just watched her snuggle on the kitchen chair and happily turning from one side to the other on it in a playful way. That view made me so happy! But when it comes to me... Well, I don't want to be all bad news. We've been having some unexpected voicing interaction. Every now and then she comes closer to the sofa where I'm sitting, sniffs a bit , does a shy meow and off she goes. Last night was the most interesting of them all. I was having a bath and she came as close as to put her 2 front paws on the bath edge and sniff me. Amazing! Then she left quickly. I believe she wanted to check if it was a different source of food, hahaha! She's been refusing to come to the bedroom when I'm there, but surprisingly this morning, after the alarm came off and she noticed I had woken up, she came to the bed side and meowed at me. I'm 100% sure she wanted to tell she was hungry, but the fact that she is getting closer at all is really reassuring.

THEN... when all seems to be going so well, she suddenly starts to get really careful around me, run away behind the sofa out of nowhere and this evening she hissed and this time even growled when I was passing by - and I wasn't even going in her direction! It's like we take 1 step forward and then 2 steps back...

You know what I'm scared of the most? That, because she will never let me get close to her properly, I will never be able to take her into a carrier and take her to the vet. It petrifies me. She is really feisty and quick, it was a nightmare and took 3 people to get her in the carrier to bring her home. So even if I ever manage to do that which I can't see how right now, all the hard work will be lost again... *SIGH*

You guys are all being great and reassuring though, thanks so much for sharing your experiences! :-)

This is great news!  Is something different when she becomes cautious around you?  Noises? TV, heater, AC, washer, dryer, dishwasher?  Are there feral cats in the area she may see out the window? Cats also like routines I hear.  Maybe your morning routine is similar to her old home but the evening is a little different?  

Not really, the awkwardness comes out of nowhere when sometimes we had an OK time, she seems to be relaxed, and then suddenly she isn't anymore. Maybe she's trying to send the message "don't try to approach me until I do it myself"? But I'm not really anyway so I don't know why the sudden caution.

I have the same problem, except I lack the patience that most cat owners have :/

My Binx has been with me for almost two months, now, and has yet to "mark" me (no gumming, head butting, cuddling, or rubbing cheeks against me outside of food time)... he's marked all over the apartment with his adorable cheekies, but treats me like I'm something to be avoided. Interactive play has helped a little, but he "stop/starts" when he remembers I'm the one waving the wand/making the squeaky mouse scurry. He doesn't seem to respond to solo-play toys like the "Catit circuit" or hanging feathery toys on his cat tree, so I'm at a total loss as to how I can encourage bonding, or at least build trust with him.

Unfortunately, he's had to visit the vet a few times since I adopted him for various reasons (none terribly awful), so I wonder if that has anything to do with it. He's a mellow kitty, that's for sure. He hasn't once swiped, growled, hissed, or made any effort to harm me when I groom him, or when I've had to stuff him in his carrier for the aforementioned vet trips...

Am I doing something wrong? I expected a little standoffishness/aloofness, given his theoretical breed and the fact that he was an adopted cat, but I'm desperate for advice on how I can let him understand that I am trustworthy and won't abandon him. I have Feliway diffusers in effect, and I try to play with him a few times a day, but I'm not a cat, and I don't always understand what he's trying to tell me.

All I'm getting is a constantly swishy tail :/

Raksha said:

 
I have the same problem, except I lack the patience that most cat owners have :/

My Binx has been with me for almost two months, now, and has yet to "mark" me (no gumming, head butting, cuddling, or rubbing cheeks against me outside of food time)... he's marked all over the apartment with his adorable cheekies, but treats me like I'm something to be avoided. Interactive play has helped a little, but he "stop/starts" when he remembers I'm the one waving the wand/making the squeaky mouse scurry. He doesn't seem to respond to solo-play toys like the "Catit circuit" or hanging feathery toys on his cat tree, so I'm at a total loss as to how I can encourage bonding, or at least build trust with him.

Unfortunately, he's had to visit the vet a few times since I adopted him for various reasons (none terribly awful), so I wonder if that has anything to do with it. He's a mellow kitty, that's for sure. He hasn't once swiped, growled, hissed, or made any effort to harm me when I groom him, or when I've had to stuff him in his carrier for the aforementioned vet trips...

Am I doing something wrong? I expected a little standoffishness/aloofness, given his theoretical breed and the fact that he was an adopted cat, but I'm desperate for advice on how I can let him understand that I am trustworthy and won't abandon him. I have Feliway diffusers in effect, and I try to play with him a few times a day, but I'm not a cat, and I don't always understand what he's trying to tell me.

All I'm getting is a constantly swishy tail :/

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I feel you. I watch a lot of cat videos and I always see people's cats rubbing like no tomorrow and laying down to sleep on top of their owners. When I watch My Cat From Hell, one of the things Jackson does to see if trust has been built, is to have the cat on their laps. 

But, after 4 months, I'm sort of accepting that my cat isn't cuddly but shows love in other ways. Like following me around, sleeping near me and meowing at me as a greeting. 

A swishy tail at the tip is usually a good sign if the tail is straight up! He's saying "Hello!"

Otherwise, I'm sure all you're going to hear is be PATIENT! (Or the other more sad thing - your cat's just like that!) The worst you can do is smother and force love - then you might get a hostile cat. 

Sorry I'm not any help! But I'm sure there's lots of cat owners with non-cuddly cats and their cats love their owners just as much as cuddlier cats.

mingking said:

 
I feel you. I watch a lot of cat videos and I always see people's cats rubbing like no tomorrow and laying down to sleep on top of their owners. When I watch My Cat From Hell, one of the things Jackson does to see if trust has been built, is to have the cat on their laps. 

But, after 4 months, I'm sort of accepting that my cat isn't cuddly but shows love in other ways. Like following me around, sleeping near me and meowing at me as a greeting. 

A swishy tail at the tip is usually a good sign if the tail is straight up! He's saying "Hello!"

Otherwise, I'm sure all you're going to hear is be PATIENT! (Or the other more sad thing - your cat's just like that!) The worst you can do is smother and force love - then you might get a hostile cat. 

Sorry I'm not any help! But I'm sure there's lots of cat owners with non-cuddly cats and their cats love their owners just as much as cuddlier cats.

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That's ok, @mingking, I need to hear these things. I suppose I had my expectations up when I did research on the breed, and through my interactions with my sisters rambunctious, cuddly-fluff. I've been debating getting him a friend, since toys don't seem to entertain him, and I can't stay up as late to entertain his "midnight crazies" or "morning madness". I've also been a little bad... I've been occasionally giving him 5 second hugs and sneaking kisses on his head.

Try my hardest, this cat is so beautiful, sweet, and patient... it almost makes me cry that he rebuffs my gentle attempts at friendship.

Alas, I know it is the cat's decision to make... I just hope I haven't ruined us.

Raksha,

I gotta say patience as well, but most importantly, its seems that a little of ignoring can go a long way after all!

After 2 long weeks of hissing, growling, hiding and no interest in me whatsoever, my beautiful girl has just let all her guards down and we are enjoying long sessions of petting, head-butting, cheek-rubbing in a total calm and peaceful way! It's almost like a dream!

I can't pick her up yet (which worries me - how long more until I can get her inside a carrier to visit the vet??), and even though she's explored my lap and climbed my chest a little, she didn't want to stay. So maybe she isn't that kind of pet, just like mingking said!

But I'm just happy I seem to have a content pet at home now!

:-) :-)

rennielondon said:

 
Raksha,

I gotta say patience as well, but most importantly, its seems that a little of ignoring can go a long way after all!

After 2 long weeks of hissing, growling, hiding and no interest in me whatsoever, my beautiful girl has just let all her guards down and we are enjoying long sessions of petting, head-butting, cheek-rubbing in a total calm and peaceful way! It's almost like a dream!

I can't pick her up yet (which worries me - how long more until I can get her inside a carrier to visit the vet??), and even though she's explored my lap and climbed my chest a little, she didn't want to stay. So maybe she isn't that kind of pet, just like mingking said!

But I'm just happy I seem to have a content pet at home now!

:-) :-)

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BRAVO!! I'm so happy for you! This truly made me smile and clap my hands in happiness!

I actually don't bring my cat to the vet with a carrier. I just put a leash on him, put a box in the backseat of the floor, and he just sits there. BUT my car ride to the vet takes less than 2 minutes, so I never think it's worth stuffing him into the carrier. I do bring the carrier for the vet though. 

I don't encourage this of course. It's only if it's really necessary and you just can't handle putting your kitty into the carrier. It won't work for every cat either.