First time cat owner - Conflicted and lost - please give me some advice

Hi there,

I'm not sure if this is the right sub-forum to post in, but here goes... 

I recently adopted a cat from the Humane Society. I've wanted a cat since high school, but my parents didn't want one and I was living with them till recently, so I never got to have one. This year, after moving into my own place and breaking up with my long term bf, I decided it was time to get a cat. I really wanted to cuddle with one every night and have one beside me as I read, to play with, etc.

I went to the Humane Society and picked up my lovely girl - she's 6 years old. They didn't know much about her past other than that the previous adopters had returned her because of her aggression towards their cat. I found the staff to be very lacking in their knowledge of her. They assured me that she hadn't been aggressive in the shelter, and when I interacted with her, she seemed normal, liked petting, looked gorgeous (she's a long-haired pixie bob and domestic mix). According to the documents they had on her, she liked petting, being held, and brushing (essential since she's a long haired cat).

It's been over a month since I adopted her, and I've found none of those things to be true. The first day she didn't eat in front of me (waited until I went to bed - as I had expected), but she seemed to be warming up to me after that. She didn't like being picked up or brushed since the beginning, but she did tolerate petting, sometimes even rubbed herself under my stretched hand or rubbing herself against my legs. She purred a lot, loudly in the first couple of days.

The next week after I got her, I had to go to my parents house and took her with me. She hated getting in the carrier, and her first night there, she seemed scared because the next day, I found her hiding under my bed with poop stuck to her fur. She seemed to get better for rest of the week there and even stayed with my parents for a few days without me, happily. When I brought her back to my house, she seemed well adjusted but stopped going into my room or coming on to my bed. Then, over the last two weeks, she's started getting more aggressive, swiping at me when she's had enough petting (I wasn't petting her more than before) and trying to bite my hand. On a couple of occasions, after I gave her catnip. she tried to bite my leg (I pulled away just as I felt her teeth) -- but this is my fault. I didn't know she would have such a reaction and I've stopped giving it to her. I try to play with her twice if not three times a day. I make sure to feed her on schedule every morning and night. I'm learning to back off as soon as I can see her lifting her paw or making an agitated sound. The swiping has gone down by half, I would say, but I still feel like she might turn on me any minute.

She is not a mean cat - she is lovely when she wants to be. She'll lick my hands every day, and blink at me sometimes. She even fell asleep on me once for 20 mins before all this behaviour started! But I over the last couple of weeks, especially after all the swiping and biting attempts, I find myself a bit hesitant to approach her. She did play bite in the first week, but I always was able to give her an alternate toy to direct her attention to. Now, she'll try to grab at my hand and bite it, so giving her a toy isn't working too well.

She is eating and sleeping well. She used her litterbox right from the start and has only had a few litterbox incidents (where she pooped a lot in one night, her litterbox got full, and she pooped outside. Yesterday, she pooped near the liiterbox, even though there was plenty of space in it. But I think these are minor issues. She uses the box majority of the time). She doesn't seem to be in pain of any kind, runs around and plays with wand toys quite enthusiastically. She just doesn't seem to be want to be petted by me... 

This is really hard for me because I wanted a cat for so long, and I really wanted an affectionate cat whom I could cuddle with and spend a lot of time with. I guess a lap cat. But she doesn't seem to be a cat that enjoys that. I love my kitty, I really don't want her to go back to the shelter, but the aggressiveness and her not wanting to interact with me too much has been hard on me. The one time she fell asleep on my lap for 20mins (after I picked her up) were probably the happiest 20 mins of my life since I got her. I feel very sad every time she swipes or pushes me away. 

I'm not really sure what to do. My parents think that maybe she's just an aggressive cat and showing her nature now that she's more comfortable in my house. The shelter staff said that we can work to reduce her aggressiveness, but they're not sure if she'll ever enjoy being held or petted. This is hard to hear.

I guess I posted here to ask you guys if you had any similar experiences and what you have done? Do you have any advice on how I can deal with my cat? I really want to have a good relationship with her, and desperately want a snuggle buddy cat.

Thanks in advance!  

I have a few thoughts.  First; cats come with their own personalities, much like we do.  It's pretty common for people to come here saying they were looking for a lap cat, or a playful cat, etc and then they find their new furbaby isn't what they were hoping for.  Second (and related); relationships take time.  We start out with ideas of what we want  but that's not always what we get and that's ok.  It's a beautiful thing to get to know them, to learn the facets of their personalities, their quirks and what makes them them!   She really hasn't been with you for long and has already been uprooted from her new home to travel with you.  For some cats that would be totally overwhelming!

You are doing good by playing with her several times a day.  I would scoop her box twice a day or consider having 2; some cats prefer one to pee in and another to poop.  You can use healthy treats to reward her for positive interaction.  It sounds like she can be over-stimulated and that can cause the aggression.  Again; your doing good by looking for her signs that she has had enough.  Sometimes it just takes time.  

Good luck and keep us updated! 

I agree with MoochNNoodles to the "T". Cats and dogs are "emotional" creatures, just like us. In fact, the longer one lives with animals you can see they are very much like us. The only difference really, is that we, as humans, have the capacity to reason. But believe me, the longer I live with animals, I have found that cats in particular have a very HIGH capacity to "reason", more than dogs in my opinion. I am not saying dogs are not intelligent, but they in my opinion dogs operate more on just emotion/feelings, and cats are more "I am going to think this through first, then jump in". Where as a dog will "Jump right in". To get back to my point. I am guessing that your kitty is sensing tension from you, and being new to you and your home, sensing your nervousness and tension in wanting everything to go ever so smoothly right from the beginning, is stressing her out as well. The two of you are new to each other and I think life will go alot smoother if you first give yourself a break and understand why she is "lashing out" to you, not because she is aggressive, but because you and her enviroment are all brand new to her. She has had a past, she has had prievious owners and a different enviroment, dealt with different cat parents with diifferent personalities than yours, etc, I think you know where I am going with this. If I were you, I would approach today as if it were day one, and the 2 of you take one step at a time and get to really "know" each other slowly.
I myself am new to the cat experience. I got started with feeding 3 young feral cats that honestly were God given to me just 2 weeks after I had to have my elderly sweetheart dog put down for health reasons. I took my time in getting to know them. They did not even enter my house until they were ready, and that was a process they did on their own, when THEY were ready. (that experience is in one of the Feral Cats posting from earlier).
Anyway, Sorry about the long windedness, you will get there CocoMoco. Just remember the old saying, "All in good Time", and the two of you will get there, both on the same page at the same time. Best of luck to your beautiful relationsip, you and your new cat!!!

Some cats, unfortunately mostly females, get overstimulated with too much physical petting and strike out. How much? It can be 2 strokes or 10, but there is a limit. Watch for the signs, and they are there, pupils dilating, tail starting to swish, fur standing out, even growls at times. This is very normal and common. It is up to you to find that 'cut off' point, when the attention goes from wanted to annoying to your girl.  Encourage her to sleep on your lap, as long as it is on her terms she should like it, try a light blanket around her. I agree that now that she is comfortable, she is acting like she normally would. The 'perfect' family I have works well, a female 'princess' that lords over all and keeps everyone in line, and two male kittens (who are more accepted in the family then adult cats) who play with each other and who I have found to be much more 'lovey' then the girls, even when grown. Once you accept her as she is, and find out where her cut off point is, you'll grow to love her for who she is, and treasure the times she does come to you for love. My Chrissy was one of these cats, and she ended up being my most beloved and the one I accepted as my soulmate. All the luck, and please know she is normal and does love you very much!

I absolutely agree with @MoochNNoodles and @mazie, but I have another possible cause too. Cats don't lash out for no reason. The most common reason for a cat to show agression (unless they're feral or semi feral and scared) is pain. Especially as you don't know your girl's history, I think you have to consider pain as an option. I would take her to a good vet (either a cat specialist or one who knows a lot about cats) and get her thoroughly checked over. For me, the first step in dealing with behavioral issues in any animal is to have them checked over to be sure they're not saying 'oww..that hurts mom'.

It does sound as if you and your cat need calm time together, as others have already said.  Have you tried using a cat-calming spray (Feliway is the best known, but I've only used one called Cat Calm, which helped a lot when we moved) or putting some of dried, calming herbs around?  Lavender or chamomile come to mind, and one of my cats really likes a tiny bit of chamomile tea sometimes.  Your cat has had a lot of change, and cats do not handle change easily. Cats are very location-based, and your cat needs to have your home smell very mildly of her.  Does she have a towel, blanket or other cloth that she sleeps on?  She probably feels safest there.  Give her time, and approach her very gently and lovingly.   Best wishes on getting to know what she wants, when she wants it.  it'll be fun, but it can take time.

@Columbine   Has a very good point. Might have her well checked over and her blood checked as well. Also, let her come to you and do not corner her, if you approaches you, slowly reach out the back of your hand and let her sniff and see what she does, if she rubs you, you can pet her, if not, then no. It will take time, always bring treats and be the bringer of all things good. She may have previously abused or not socialized. As for the litter box, might consider having two or at least a very large one. She might let you brush her, she might not. Be careful of static. A kitty can get zapped by static. one more thing, if you wear perfume, try not to, cats sense of smell is much stronger than ours. One last bit, if she'll eat canned food please feed it to her. Dry is not good at all, even grain-free, as it is lacking in moisture. 

Thank you all so much for your advice! I've been reading it and it has been really encouraging to me this week. As suggested, I've decided to stop taking kitty with me when I go away for the weekend, and have been trying to give her more space, and not pick her up as much.

I thought there might have been something wrong with her medically, so I took her to the vet this week. She hated getting in the carrier and was really scared with the vet took her away to do checkups. She was very scared and stressed by the end of the visit. $200 later, they tell me there is nothing wrong with her. They gave her some sort of a pill and a booster vaccine shot as well as some probiotic pouches to help with her digestion (just in case there was something wrong). They also suggested I get her a feliway diffuser, which I did... not sure if it's working yet.

HOWEVER, since the vet visit, she has thrown up twice. I suspect it must be either the pill they gave her or the probiotic powder they've told me to mix with her food once a day (for a month)... either way, I'm really concerned. Her diet has not changed (I feed her half a can of wet food twice a day and free-feed dry food), and there's nothing wrong with her medically, other than this vommitting that started after the vet...  I can't afford to take her back in for another visit so soon, but I'm concerned that this powder might be making her throw up... is cats vomitting normal? She's never done this before (at least not in front of me!). The vomit is just a brown slush... kind of looks like the brown probiotic powder I've been putting in her food. After she vomits, she looks weak and sad for a bit, I pet her, and then she goes back and eats her food, drinks some water.

Is this just something that happens to cats? Or should I stop giving her the probiotic and see if anything changes?

Oh and she still hates being picked up... so I don't know how to comfort her after she pukes

To start with, don't think of picking her up after vomiting, even when she gets more comfortable with you. Look at it this way- if you'd been vomiting, would you want picking up after?

Now that's out of the way, what are the tablets called and which probiotic is it? It's perfectly possible that she is having a bad reaction to one of these new additions, particularly since her digestion seemed fine before. The reason I suggested a vet check was in case she was hurting somewhere. Often if an animal objects to touch it's a pain/tenderness issue - usually arthritis, muscle pain, tumours of some sort or other musculoskeletal issues. It's great they didn't find anything like that. Now you know it's a behavioural/psychological issue (by which I mean a hangover from previous pain issues or as a result of previous mistreatment. Easy example: my pony pulled some muscles at the top of her neck, so it hurt her when she was ridden. Once the injury had healed, she was still scared it was going to hurt and I had to teach her that the pain wasn't coming back. It's like a connection gets missed in their little brains).

Sorry, got a bit sidetracked there. Back to your girl. Vomiting is definitely not normal. Yes, every animal gets sick occasionally, but it should be pretty short lived. As long as the meds you were given are as a general 'tonic' rather than for something specific, I'd consider trying her without them for a day or two to see if there's any improvement - certainly, there should be no harm in stopping the probiotic. If at all in doubt, call the vet first. If one of mine appeared to be reacting to meds, the first thing I'd do is speak to the vet on the phone and ask for guidance, probably asking specifically if it was ok to stop treatment. You may also be advised to give a light diet for a few days to let her digestion recover. Plain baked or poached chicken or turkey breast with a little plain canned pumpkin puree is ideal.

Longer term, I really would consider getting her onto an all wet diet. That's what will be best for her long term, but I'm not going to go into a big nutrition lecture now

Hooe she feels better soon. Relax a bit...you're doing fine Bonding will come, I promise. You just have to go at her pace. She'll cuddle when she's ready :rub:

Yep, kitties definitely have different personalities. It will take some time. Just don't try to force anything. Imagine if someone you didn't know well tried to cuddle all over you from the start - kinda have to think of it that way. Some cats just aren't cuddlebugs either. Sara is not a cuddlebug, but Lucky can't get enough cuddles. Your girl ma be one, but may not be too. And that's ok She'll warm up eventually, just need to give it time. Oh, and probably want to give her a nice stable environment. When I saw you took her out with you after a week, yeah, I figured she might freak out. And I don't know many cats that like carriers, so that is ok too

As far as comforting after puking, my cats could care less about that. They puke for some reason (eating cat grass does that sometimes for them) and they go on their merry way. I guess for me I have just had so many cats you get used to certain things that happen. Like puking. Especially when you have multiple cats. 

As long as she's eating and mostly able to keep down her food, she should be fine. If she's puking all her food up of course, that is not a good thing. Although, my experience when kitties have sensitive tummies is that they just don't eat, rather than eating/puking it all up.

I agree with what everyone else said but wanted to add a few things too.  It takes some time to learn how to read an animal.  Since they can't talk to you, you'll have to try to decipher how they're feeling by their body language.  I've grown up with cats all my life so I'm used to knowing when a cat wants to be pet or wants to be left alone or scared, etc.  However, when I'm with dogs, I'm pretty clueless and unsure of myself.

Since this is your first cat, I believe that it's possible that you and your cat just aren't communicating yet. This can explain the swiping (if you're petting it when it's stressed, etc).  Cats aren't like dogs and won't want to be pet all the time.  They will seek you out for attention.  You can offer attention but without forcing it and while paying attention to see if they want it or not.  

Your new kitty has a lot to adjust to so I would definitely give it more time.  Also, I have heard of cats becoming more affectionate as they grow older.  This has been true with my own cat.  However, it's definitely not a guarantee. 

Finally, cats need alone time.  In my experience, if I want to comfort my cat (for example, if we just went to the vet) then it's best to leave her alone.  They might not want to be held and might just need quiet time alone to calm down.  This doesn't mean that your cat will never be affectionate.  However, give her time and she will become happier and thus more affectionate in whatever way she expresses herself.  

Regarding the throwing up, I would call the vet to ask.  Since you got the meds from them, I don't think it's unreasonable to have followup questions.

My first cat was given to me & I took him  site unseen.  From the first night he slept with me.  He was really good around the house & as he was my first cat I didn't appreciate this as much as I should have.  However, he did not want to be picked up or handled in any way.  He would decide when we were going to snuggle.  This is the way most cats are; they want to come to you & find it difficult if you are picking them up & holding them.  Let your cat come to you.  She will eventually.

Shelters do not have vets & many times have no idea of where the cat lived before unless it was surrendered directly to them.  Where I work we take cats from other shelters & the "dog catcher" place as well.  Many of these are brought in as strays, sometimes by their owners, so no information is available.

I would not be giving this cat anything but high quality food until you get to know her better. Columbine is right; vomiting is not normal & I would call the vet.

Please do not take your cat visiting people even if you are gone overnight.  Leaving their homes is very stressful & as she is new to your home it is even more stressful.  Plus, almost all hate being put in a carrier.

Just relax, feed her, clean her litter box twice daily, try to play with her with fishing pole toys & let it go at that.  No brushing until she is comfortable with you.  My first baby loved to be brushed but when he was done he walked away.  Sometimes it takes a cat 3 -6 months to settle in; don't rush her.  She may be biting because you are forcing the interactions.