Can i add something I'm selfishly upset by?

kittychick

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When my beloved almost 20-year-old Phoebe died Monday - - I wasn't expecting a parade. Even a small one. I wasn't expecting an avalanche of cards, or my home to be knee deep in flowers. But over the years - particularly with a group of probably about 15-20 people (and in this group are 2 of my best friends, my sister, my mother and two neighbors that we exchange cat-sitting with when any of us go away) - -  --when any of their cat (or dogs) have passed on, I've been there to hold their hands, to sit with them and the animal if they asked, on several occasions been the driver to the vet and the ER vet….after which I always call and visit to see if I can do anything, or at least offer condolences, and I usually either bring a bottle of wine to toast if appropriate, or bring either a bouquet of flowers or a flower like a hydrangea to plant so that in the spring they're reminded of their fur baby.

I know this sounds awful of me - - and no, I don't do the above because I "expect" anything…..but when I lost Phoebe Monday know what I got? (Besides my husband - who's been wonderful).

A few Facebook posts of two or three words each…..about 3 texts, also of only a few words each…..and a phone call from my sister and one of my close friends. No flowers. Not even a single card. Not one. No offer to come sit and talk about it. Nothing. 

I understand - as my husband says - "everyone's not you" - - -but honestly I feel like now I have heartbreak on top of heartbreak. Some of these people are REAL animal people and, as I mentioned, have called on ME to come at 1 in the morning to help hold their animal and provide comfort. 

I know that Facebook and texts have replaced so much in our lives….but this stunned me. I feel like such a sucker for buying all those flowers, animal statues for gardens, etc. - - I've even done personalized engraved Christmas ornaments with photos when a friend's cat passed near Christmas.

I don't want to make it sound like I'm patting myself on the back - I just thought that's what people DID when they cared, I guess I'm finding out that none of my friends care much beyond the effort it takes to say "thkg of u" on their phone.

I'm extra heartbroken.
 

catconcern

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You have a right to be upset. That's pretty poor on their behalf. Bare in mind you are very emotional right now so don't say anything to them and things will hurt you a lot more than they normally would. But I agree that that's pretty pathetic by many friends. I've been through what you have. You are too nice, there should be more people like you.
 

snugglecat

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I fully understand how hurtful it can be when nobody is there for you when a fur baby who has been in your family for so many years passes. I lost my dog Abby in June 2013 and not even family members said sorry or sent me a card. In fact every one went on as if nothing happened. I was devastated and laid on her bed on the floor crying for 3 weeks begging for her to be here with me. All I got was suck it up she was just a dog.

I always do things for others not expecting anything in return but sometimes it would be nice to be on the receiving end for a change. I don't have any friends but I have a Mom, sister, Aunts and non one of them said they were sorry for my loss and tried to comfort me. It was like I never even had Abby for all those years.

Nobody understands my love for helping stray and feral cats and I'm always being put down by family members and my own 3 sons. I used to be happy and it made me feel good to do for others and help animals but my family make me feel so bad that I don't have the joy that I once had.
 

pharber-murphy

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I am so sorry, not only for the loss of your precious Phoebe, but also for the heartbreak your friends and family have caused you. It is really tough to lose a pet, especially one who has been with you as long as Phoebe was. But other people really don't understand how deeply we feel the loss. It's been a month since I lost Mr. Grimsby and I was surprised to find myself bawling over him Sunday night.

Hang in there, Kittychick. You know that all of us here on this forum understand and sympathize with what you're going through. And none of us think that you were so kind and generous to your friends because you were "expecting" something in return.  It is a fact of life that some of us get it and some of us don't.

But, please listen to Catconcern. Be careful what you say to others, even if you want to lash out at their callous behavior. You really don't want to say something you'll regret later - although wouldn't it be great sometimes to just let it all hang out. I considered visiting our local cemetery where no one would think it strange to see a woman wailing, beating her breast, pulling her hair and gnashing her teeth. Haven't yet, but the cemetery sin't going anywhere, so I still might.
 

riley1

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I know what you mean.  I got a card from the shelter where I work signed by some of the employees (not all), from the vet office & one friend.  My best friends sent nothing.  They knew how much this little kitty was loved like a person & spent so much time with me. They knew I had & am still crying for his lost.  Not one card from them.  Now two & 1/2 months later they never mention it & act like I should be over the whole thing. They have families & others to be with so to them he was "just a cat".  I guess I didn't think much about this until you posted.
 

catsknowme

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  Thank you for having enough faith in us to feel safe in sharing your thoughts!  It is a sad thing that you were not given the comfort and moral support from those people close to you.  Very bad form for them to not reciprocate your kindnesses. 

You have been blessed with a thoughtful, passionate heart and the spirit to act on your feelings and convictions! I applaud your wonderful, kind actions that obviously bring much comfort to many. Phoebe's long life of 20 years is a testament to what an awesome cat-guardian you are!
 
 
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di and bob

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OMG, I can't believe that actual human beings could be so uncaring. I have never personally met your precious Phoebe, or you, but I personally felt that ache in my heart and got tears in my eyes when I read your original post. I feel that I HAVE to try to comfort you by acknowledging your pain, at the very least. I remember those first days and how totally 'broken' and lost I was. I truly don't know how I got through them. And when I think that now you are experiencing the same emotions it makes my heart ache for you. Shame on those uncaring people, that cat was a very important member of your family and was loved very much by you, that alone should have been enough for them to gather around you and give you the support that you so desperately need at this time. Bless you for loving so much to hurt so bad, and know that Karma is a powerful force. Please accept my heartfelt condolences on your loss, I'm so sorry you have to go through more pain then is necessary, the blow to your heart is quite enough. I'll keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers, the heavens gained a beautiful angel at the Rainbow Bridge.
 

jcat

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I'm so sorry others' lack of sympathy is causing you such pain. Perhaps they simply believe that you're a person who knows how to be strong and deal with grief because you've always been there for them in such situations?
 
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kittychick

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To top it off.....my husband's mother died this morning. "Natural causes" (she had severe dementia and had stopped eating too)....but what amazes me is that she wasn't close with any of us, and we're getting multiple cards from people. Even my husband is joking,, sadly, that he can't believe people are acknowledging her and not the cat....the cat was a lot easier to love!!!!

But sadly - one more thing to grieve, in a house that's already full of it.

Thank you so much for giving me a safe place to grieve....and to vent :)
 

pharber-murphy

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Oh my goodness - what a terrible month you're having! I can definitely sympathize. I felt the gods were out to get me the first two months of this year, but they have turned their attention elsewhere now (maybe to you).

You've heard that old saying, "When it rains, it pours".  There's another one that says we are never given more than we can endure. Hang in there - it will get better!

Best regards.
 

mkat02

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I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand how hard it is when you love an animal like a child or best friend and lose them. most people just see it as a animal. So you should just be able to move on. I wish I was there since I can't be please know in spirit I ( and many others from this site) are right there holding your hand and giving you a shoulder to cry on. Your baby is in a better place with your other loved ones waiting for you. 

Even if nobody else wants to talk about it now we do so anytime you need or want to just let us know.

It will never be okay but it will get easier. One day you'll find yourself thinking of that baby and smile. 

Bless you
 

nurseangel

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I am sorry for everything you are going through.  You acted out of love and kindness and anyone should cherish a thoughtful friend or relative like you.  

Please accept my sympathies for the loss of your mother-in-law.  
 
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Loving Mickey

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I am truly sorry for the pain you are going through at this time. Believe me, I understand exactly how you are feeling. I am just like you. I have always been there for everyone in my life. I would drop everything for a friend or family member. I always believed that is what a good person does for someone they care about. My mom was always like that. She would put everyone before herself. I was always proud to say that I was just like my mom. I am still proud to say that. However, I no longer run when someone needs something. I guess I have learned over the years. I lost my precious kitty Mickey last July. I alspo lost my mom fiur years ago on Mother's Day. Plus, I almost lost my husband to cancer the same year my mom was ill. My husband is still here with me and doing well. The point is when I was going through so many different losses, not a single person was there for me. NOT ONE!! I surely understand how hurt you can feel when people who supposedly care about you are not there when you need them the most. I really thought I was alone in this. I thought that I only knew selfish people. I have my husband and son, plus my two new kitties. Those are the only people I can truly count on.Also, yes cats are our family and we grieve for them when they must leave us. I still cry over both my Mickey and my mom. I loved them both and miss them so very much.
My heart goes out to you over the loss of your beautiful kitty, Phoebe.
Also, I am deeply sorry over the loss of your mother-in-law.
I know how heartbreaking those losses must be!!
 

red top rescue

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It is good and wise of you to send flowers and cards when friends lose their animals.  I do that too, and my closest friends do also, but some people have been totally floored (in a good way) just to get a card from me.  One girl burst into tears, in fact, because she was so moved.  Yes, people send cards and flowers when ther humans die, but only experienced and true animal people will do this when friends' animals cross over.  They just don't understand.  For some of us, our pets are family and we love them that deeply.  For others, oly humans really count and animals are secondary.  A dear friend of mine started a rescue that became the biggest no-kill shelter in the atlanta area (FurKids.org).  If I were her mother, I would be super proud of her (and as her friend, I AM super proud of her, as all her friends are) but her mother doesn't think it's any big deal because it's "animals not people."  "Why not run a homeless shelter," her mother asks.  "I DO run a homeless shelter," she responds, "...for cats and dogs.  And sometimes rabbits."  "That's just animals," answers her mother.  "You aren't helping PEOPLE."  "But I AM helping people," she says, "it's just in an indirect way."  It's so sad her mom feels that way, but lots of people do.  Just keep sending cards to your friends who lose animals!  We teach by doing.
 
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