Dreams, gloom, 3 weeks missing Kitty

It has been just over 3 weeks since I put my 20 year old beautiful Kitty down. Some, most days, I have been OK, not crying, not really thinking about it...because if I do I panic and get sad.

Yesterday and today have hit like a load of bricks. There is this gloom that lays over me, like a heavy weight. I had THE WORST dream of her last night...just that she was still alive, but I had also put her down. And so in the dream I was missing her desperately and so sad, yet she was still there as if I had done nothing. I pet her and loved her and we played and yet I was so upset cause I had put her down even though I was playing with her. Weird I know. But I woke up so sad. So distraught. I was SO REAL, like deja vu...everything we did actually did happen in real life.

I feel a different grief....like I cannot explain, its deeper. I was in Whole Foods and felt so LOW, like depression krept over me. A gloom cloud.

I miss her, I terminated the love of my life, 20 years of my 33 year life, I got rid of that friend and that love, and I dream of her...or I hear her meow in my dreams - like a loud meow.

I still cannot look at the spot in my bedroom where she slept all her life. I still cannot look at pictures of her. When I think I can I quickly put it away because I feel a doom.Just wanted to share...it is because it has come on so strong...the sadness and gloom is so heavy...3 weeks later. Such a huge void in my life omg. It was her and I....now its just me...ugh. Im sorry Kitty and I love you so much, more today than ever.

So sorry you are going through this. My Daisy passed away suddenly a few years ago and some days are still very very tough.One things for sure, you came to the right place.

Hi Lizzie. I also had a dream about my boy this morning. I was just patting him. It's strange because similar to you. In the dream, I knew my boy wasn't alive, but there he was with me and I held him and patted him. I knew to value the time and stay with him as i couldn't hold him much longer because he wasnt here anymore. It felt real, even when I held him in the dream. I woke up glad I dreamt of him and patted him. It still didn't feel like the real dream I had of my grand father tho. I've had a dream once of my boy and I woke up crying. Dreams differ.

I also feel like you that I terminated my boy. You didn't though. You did what was right. As harsh as I treat myself, I know I didn't terminate my boy although that's what it feels like. I did it because I thought the operation would be too much pain for my boy to handle. I can tell you 100 percent you did the right thing and did it because you love your cat and knew it was time . If anyone should feel they did the right thing it's you.

Twenty years. You and your cat had 20 years! You did extremely well. You weren't going to let your cat suffer. I think at the end when you mentioned your cat didn't look like she was ready to go, that'l was because she was happy her suffering was coming to an end and she was happy with the life you two had.

When my boy purred for 30 minutes the morning which was to be his last , I think it was because he knew how much I loved him. He was so happy with that love. And he knew it was his last day. He barely said a word not couldn't for days leading up to that. If was like, I've loved being here, I love my owner and family , my suffering is going to end today. There seems to be many cats that have suffered very bad but when the time comes to put them down they get scared or show signs that would suggest they are not sick. It's the natural animal instinct on them to survive which is part of it, but also as I mentioned I think it's because they know their suffering is going to end and they love us. They're also saying goodbye.

Many cats differ. Some will go without fuss as they're very sick and know it's time. Others will show signs to suggest they're ok, but they're actually not.

Hi LizzieBB
I am so sorry you are going through so much pain. The loss of a precious kitty is devastating. My Mickey passed last July, just about nine months now and the pain is still unbearable. I cry frequently over his loss especially these last few days as the nine month period hit. Mickey did pass naturally at home but he is still gone.Believe me the pain over their loss can be felt the same whether they are put to sleep or pass naturally. I still feel the guilt like I didn't do enough. Mickey passed of cancer and he was just thirteen years old.
You loved your baby so much and had 20 wonderful happy years together. The pain is still very raw for you.You must give your heart time to heal. I wish I could say it gets easier. For some, it does. As for me, I still cry over my baby's loss and miss him more than ever. It still feels raw to me and it has been nine months.
I do hope you feel better in time. Just know that you loved your baby and she knew that. You had 20 wonderful years together.That is amazing and something to be proud of.
Take Care!!

I'm so sorry.  Please don't think of it as you "got rid of your friend".  That's not what you did at all.  You loved her so, and always will.  You were looking out for your cat when she needed you the most and you put her needs ahead of your own feelings.  That took a lot of compassion and courage.    

I am so sorry for your loss.  Wow, 20 years with your beloved cat!  Unless we are old, we should know the day are little beauties come to us,  they will leave someday.  We never think about this; always feel they will be by our sides forever.  Three weeks is early in the grief process. Let it out as it comes!  We will share it with you! I would still say "I'm home & come to bed" for weeks.I looked for him in every spot where he would normally be.   A couple weeks after my boy left I had a terrible dream about him.  My departed husband was with him as well.  Now I feel him walking on the bed right after I get in.    His feet are quite heavy; like he wants me to know he is there with me.  At first I thought it was my new cat but I heard her in another room.  As soon as I turn & look he is gone.  You Kitty does not think you got rid of her.  She knows how much you loved her but it was her time to go.  You didn't say what was wrong with her but at 20 she must had the pains of being that old.  If you read the other posts we all blame our selves for something we could have done.  Tell us all about your Kitty.  It will help! Talk to her & tell her everything you are feeling.   Beautiful black & white just like my boy.

RIP  Kitty!

Thank you everyone, this really is a great support for me. I really appreciate all the messages.

My Kitty's passing is not only difficult because she was everything to me for 20 years BUT I have not ever had to go through loss. I am 33 years old and have never lost anyone close to me, thank God. No relatives or friends, and so she is my first loss/death, ever! I have never experienced grief, lonliness, emptiness. And to top it off, because of my "doing".

I know I had to do it, I know she was old and suffering

(her breathing was heavy and loud and difficult, she twitched a lot, she had hyperthyroidism and could never eat enough to satisfy herself. She weighed 2 pounds by the end, the pics you see above - as much as she didnt look it she was bones! My beautiful girl loved us so much, loved her home here, loved when I came home that she fought through her aging symptoms. She spent all her days in my room in a ball on the floor on her bed that was my sweatshirt. She popped up when I came in to feed her soupy food, which she always devoured, she drank and drank. I also had to give her a teeny tiny laxative every few days because her body absorbed all her water and she was so dehydrated that she could not poop if she didnt have the laxative. Some times when she walked she would lose balance for a quick second. But other times she would run and fly down 2 flights of stairs and dash around the house as if she was fine. She layed and slept allllll the time, barely ever lifted her head. I spent the last days not going near her as much because she was so peaceful, when I did go near her I knew she would want to purr but it was too hard for her and her breathing became loud and noisy and so I avoided bothering her with petting so she could not get excited and "happy". I layed with her face to face day in and day out and told her a billion times how much I loved her and how much I would miss her and how beautiful she was and how perfect she was and so many other things)

I tired so hard to prepare myself for this. New years when we had such a scare with her in emergency, and she came home so distraught from awful vets and enemas and fluids under her skin, and cuts on her throat done by "accident" , she looked dead. She looked horrified sad mad and dead. She foamed at the mouth like a dog, large thick huge drool, she was in so much pain and distress, it was awful and I was glad we were out of there I hope I didnt cause her to die three months later by taking her to that horror show. Anyways, I thought she was going to die after that and I ruined her by taking her to the vet and look what they did to the poor old girl. SO I cried and cried preparing myself for her loss in January..but then took action and bought amazing wet foods, and all these things to help her and she turned a new leaf in mid January. She was eating all the time (which is normal for hyperthyroidism) But by end of Feb...into March it was hard to watch her...and listen to her breathing. he breathing looked and sounded so scary and sad. I knew she was old, I knew 20 years was such an amazing blessing, and one day March 22nd I said lets do it. We have to do it. And we called an amazing vet on the 23rd, and told them about her and they agreed. they felt so sad for her and were so kind. (I made my mo call as I was at school teaching, and my mom called me when school was over saying they could take her the next day - I basically broke) I took charge and had to do it, said yes and spent that night telling my Kitty things I told her for 20 years. Again though, I didnt pet her much and didnt bother her much...as sleeping was when her breathing was best and she was most comfy. If I talked she perked her ears and well as much as she loved me and wanted to listen to me I knew it would cause her difficulty. 

Point is loss is new to me, and you all know this loss - that friend and family member who was always there, who you fed and cleaned up after and carried, and told things to and cuddled with and devoted your life to. You did everything with happiness and joy, even at 3am when they wake you up hungry or to open the door so they could come in or go out...even when they "annoyed" they really didnt, as I would take back every sleepless night just to have her back. A friend and family member who could never speak and who we always wanted to be ok and never feel pain or sadness. 

I guess this is a new stage in grief, full force and so I come back to all of you to thank you and to become stronger in your stories, because I love your stories, all the posts on this forum, I love it all and feel joy and sadness with all of you.

I know I had to do it, I know I did the right thing, I just feel so AWFUL and sad and sorry.  Animals and humans, whoever is in our lives at some point they go and we are never the same. The emptiness, the void, their absence lingers and is so prominent. We never expect it, we never want it to happen, but it does, we are here and they are gone, we are here in the life we only wanted WITH them and for them, and they are gone.

So sad.

I never had to make this decision either.  The only other pet in my adult life has been my horse.  I thought I would have my little Rizzo kitty long after the horse crossed over.  The horse will be 30 this year & is still enjoying life.  People die all the time but you don't have to make the decision for them.  This makes it even harder when you are the one doing it.  You do the best for your kitties & bravely put them down & then they are gone forever.  I remember the night before I put Rizzo to sleep I was thinking this is the last night you will lay on me & watch tv.  This is the last night you will sleep with me.  Living alone my house was so empty without him.  I am just crying thinking about the last day.  I know how you feel.

Hey Lizzie. I know what you are going through. I had a terrible last nite last nite feeling like I killed my boy and ended his life. It's so hard. What you are going through is normal, first loss or not of losing someone. 20 years is a very long time, you loved your cat. She loved you. Like you losing my boy is the hardest thing I've ever faced and felt. His loss hurt me more than losing both my grand fathers, a grand mother, a cousin and uncles etc. Our cats are our children, best friend, soul mate, life companion, and so much more.

You, and we all put out babies needs ahead of ours. We knew they couldn't go on living a life of pain and had to ease them off that. We, you, YOU did the very unselfish thing and eased your baby's pain even if that meant you would suffer like hell to make your baby better. That's how much you loved her. You couldn't let her suffer, and in turn took her suffering for her.

Lizzie you've made me realise some things about my situation as mentioned we are very similar. I'm 33 years old this year. I had my boy 15.5 years , regret putting him down. Ultimately I now realise I couldn't let him suffer. If I went through the operation for him, it would have did him more harm than good. He had a lot of tumours, massive one in his side that went all the way through his rib cage. He had it other places too. I couldn't let him have half of one side of his body removed amongst other places, go through pain, and basically be reduced to being an alive, laying vegetable. I loved him heaps, I don't know how much pain he would have been in with the pain killers, but I couldn't have that for him. The cancer spread a lot too , it would have only got worse.

I still think I should have tried and had my regrets. I still regret that on his last day he suggested he had more life in him with the purring and wanting to go outside in the morning. Then even after his side burst he jumped on and off the window sill , murmured at the vet and was angry after they got him out of the cage. Regrets and second guessing for me will probably always be there. Even now i change the tune in my post. But like you, I loved my cat dearly, and like you, had to put my cats needs and well being ahead of mine.

We couldn't let them suffer. We couldn't let them live a life, of being alive, but not really living. Couldn't let them be in pain. We relieved them of their pain, and in turn took if for them. That's how much we loved out babies.

I'm sorry for your loss. I had to put down a cat last year.

Beautiful Kitty 

Don't discount your dream, I believe that our sweet babies 'essence' comes back to comfort us in our grief. You knew your  Kitty was gone, but you were loving her presence none the less.  When you are so bonded to someone, whether it be animal or human, mere death will never separate you, she will forever be a part of you and will never be far from your heart. Celebrate that wonderful 20 years you had together, she would never want you to remember her with such sadness and regret, cherish your memories, they will be with you and comfort you as long as you live. Three weeks is not long at all to grieve, of course you feel so depressed and sad, there has been a great loss in your life, and her missing presence is a blow to your soul. Please know we understand what you are feeling, we have been there and all feel the agony of a broken heart. The loss will take a long time to come to terms with, time is the only thing that softens the edges and allows us to go on. Life goes on, whether we want it to or not, we all have to decide how we want to go on, in sadness and despair, or in joy and happiness as our precious departed ones would want. My heart goes out to you, I'll pray that your pain lessens and your sweet, sweet Kitty will RIP, knowing she was much loved and will never be forgotten.  Take care.......

Dear Lizzie, I know exactly how you feel. It has been 6 weeks and just last few days I have started dreaming my boy. He was enormous part of my 35 year old life and I know exactly what you are saying. I have never lost anyone where the pain would be so unbearable.

Yes, the pain gets raw and deep with passing weeks, it is starts getting very much defined and it hits home every day.

Today I have been crying for the whole day now. Not sure why, I just feel sad, I am happy, but I am so incredibly sad. I can listen to reason, but still I am sad.

I don't know what to tell you to make you feel better as I am on the same path as you are, I am still hard on myself and I think I have let my baby die intentionally that evening, not sure, but sometimes I am feeling like that. Like I didn't try hard enough for him, not taking him to vet, that somewhere deep inside I knew it was enough as his last few years were pretty much not cat like, he was unable to move and I had to feed him and even put him on toilette and squize his bladder... anyway, he loved me I loved him, but I guess it is us who need them the most. It is us who suffer as we have to move on with our life without our loved ones.

In a way I think I also made a decision that evening, to let him die. I always hated taking him to the vet, to those awful places putting him through aditional stress.... I just feel it was my decision and now I get to blame myself. Yes, he died with me, he died next to me at home, we were together, but there is no easy way to let them go...

I really doubt there is any greater pain than losing your child and our kitties and dogs are in a way our children. The pain is just indescribable.

Good luck dear Lizzie!!!

Lizzie in time I think a new cat/cats would be a great antidote for you. Just an idea . They bring lots of love, happiness , purpose and comfort to ones life. Your cat wouldn't want you to suffer. Your cat would want you to be happy. They won't replace your baby, but they or it, will help you so much and keep your company. You can honour the love you and your baby girl had by passing it on to another.

Just an idea. I wish you well and we here will always be here for you.