Becoming a full time mother and house caretaker

Anne

Site Owner
Thread starter
Staff Member
Admin
Joined
Oct 23, 2000
Messages
40,207
Purraise
6,095
Location
On TCS
Hubby and I are discussing this option recently. He has got a nice raise and his salary will be on the increase from now on. My home owned business is not making any profit and we were considering the possibilities. I could go out and get a proper job again (after the baby is born), but I would probably have to begin at the bottom and if I choose to work in this area the pay would be low. I would also need to hire a cleaner and have arrangements for the (future) kids.

The other option is for me to become a full time housewife. Take care of the kids and the house. That would save on expenses and would mean (I hope) that I can give the children better care and education (we are even talking about home schooling).

On the one hand, we find that this makes a lot of sense. We can get by on hubby's salary alone and the house and family will benefit. I think I even enjoy staying at home and I hope I will enjoy being a mom.

What's the drawback? Well, in Israel and especially where I come from a woman is expected to be independent and have a job of her own. My grandmothers and my mother were all working women (mom still is) and would never have agreed to stay at home. I am afraid that staying at home would hurt my self esteem and the way others see me. My family was not happy when I left a promising career in the army for some strange internet business and deciding to become a full time mom would be considered admitting I'm a failure (no one would say that in those very words, but I think that's what they'll be thinking).

What are your opinions on the matter? I'd love to hear from women who have chosen either path and know what you thought at the time and what you think in retrospect.
 

debby

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Nov 5, 2000
Messages
10,983
Purraise
4
Location
Iowa
Anne......excuse me for saying this.....but screw what Isreal thinks is the NORM!

And don't worry about what your family thinks of you...you have NOTHING to be ashamed of!!!!!!! They need to wake up.....traditions are over! These days, you and your husband should decide what is best for you and your (soon to be) child. If he makes enough money to where you can stay home, and raise your child, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of!!

My mother (God rest her soul) never worked a day outside the home....but yet she raised 4 kids, put in a garden every year, canned beans, snapped peas, worked her @ss off, and still came in to fix a 5 course meal for my father and brothers every night. So anyone who says staying at home and working is a failure....has OBVIOUSLY never done it! You are to be commended, I hope you chose to be a stay at home mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

tigger

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Feb 4, 2001
Messages
2,572
Purraise
1
Anne,
I agree with what Debby says!

It is you and your husband's decision on what is the best, not what your country thinks!! And, I don't think you are a failure in anyways, at all. Staying at home to be a full time mom is not being a failure, either.
As for careers go, now with the internet and technology, I am sure there is something that would interest you if you did decide to go back to work. I know over here, especially doing web design, a lot of people work from home! I think it is great that you would be able to stay at home with your baby!
Over here, well in Arizona, new moms only get 6 weeks maternity leave... anything over the 6 weeks is upaid, which is really stupid if you ask me!
And, about your family if it were me, I would just ignore it... You are an adult, and you make your own choices! Atleast that is what I think
I know that my parents were not happy that I didn't get a degree and got married instead, but you know what? I don't care!!! The fact that I am happy is what should matter the most!! I can always go back to school.... but right now it is not a good time.
So, I say: Do what you and your husband are happy with, and who gives a $@&% what others say!!!
YOU GO, GIRL!
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #4

Anne

Site Owner
Thread starter
Staff Member
Admin
Joined
Oct 23, 2000
Messages
40,207
Purraise
6,095
Location
On TCS
Thanks for the encouragement


You know, I guess it's my self esteem I'm worried about. I'd be he first to say that women today should feel free to make that choice themselves. It's just that I'm scared I'll be sorry about this in years to come...

I am trying to make a living from home, but with the internet being in the state it is it's not easy. As for web design, I'm trying that as well, but the market in Israel is really bad right now so I only got a couple of projects in the past year
Not enough at all. I hope to start tutoring for at least a few hours a week when the kids are back in school. But still, it's hardly the career I've been raised to acheive... Two years ago I was studying for my MA degree and doing extremely well in my military career. Since then I have left the university and the job and moved into a small town (from Tel Aviv). I've always considered myself a feminist (still do) and it's kinda strange to find myself in the ultra traditional role of a housemaker...
 

billie

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Joined
May 2, 2001
Messages
433
Purraise
1
Location
Bulgaria
Anne,
my opinion is that you should do whatever you think is right and best for you, hubby and the baby regardless of what others think. I do believe that raising children and keeping a familiy together is a more challeging task than making a career (just my opinion though).
I would surely opt to stay at home if I could afford it, moreover, my job (and yours too I believe) can be done from home too.
BTW how's the pregnancy going dear, i haven't heard anything in a while???
 

eeva

TCS Member
Adult Cat
Joined
Jul 4, 2001
Messages
259
Purraise
1
Location
Finland
Anne, even though I don't really know you, I have a question for you... You say you're worried about your self-esteem and how you may end up regretting your choice in the years to come- why do you think this choice you make is for life? If you find that being a housewife is not the thing for you, you can always start to find a job or something else to do later on in life, even if it may be harder once you've been without a job for a longer period of time. Nothing is for ever or impossible, and what would keep you from doing some projects etc from home, even while taking care of the kid(s) and house, if you manage to find the time and energy (and you would if that was what you wanted)? This is what my sister is doing. Her first child is now 1 yrs old, and she's most likely expecting another, and has stayed home all this time, although she was (and is now doubly!) one of the most hard-working women I know. She still does. She takes small jobs and projects even while staying at home looking after her son, to earn a little more money (you get payed maternity leave for 9 months, after that you get a smaller "allowance" if you decide to stay home and look after the kids) and to keep working and in touch with the "field". Anyhow, my point is that there are always choices, so no need to think of this choice as a forever-thing, and being a housewife does not mean you can't also keep working small-scale if you wish to. Of course, I don't know the situation in Israel, so it may be the alternatives of being a career woman and housewife are more clearly cut, but at least over here a compromise is possible if you really wish it, and "changing your mind" is possible with enough determination.
 

dawnt91

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Feb 5, 2001
Messages
1,188
Purraise
3
Location
Arlington, Texas (DFW area)
I can speak to this topic with experience. When I had my daughter almost 5 years ago, I had a great job as a project manager developing computer-based training courses. I made more money than my husband. I thought I'd be just fine going back to work after 10 weeks at home with my baby. Let me tell you, it was the hardest thing I'd ever done. I finally convinced my company to let me work 30 hours a week. By the time my son was on the way, my husband was making more, and it made more sense for me to quit. The cost of daycare alone for two children would have been more than our mortgage! My main fear was that I was going to be bored and lonely. All my friends were from work.

The first few months were really hard, but I think that most of that getting used to have two children rather than one. Over the last two and a half years, I've just had the best time. I NEVER regret staying home with my kids. I just love the time that I get to spend with them. I'm not even sure I'll be getting a job after they start school (maybe something home based).

When people ask me what I do, I proudly say that I stay home and raise my children. This is more than a full time job. My kids are up at 6:30 and go to bed at 8:00 in the evening. I am usually doing work around the house until 9:00 at night, and I don't even keep a very clean house. This is a hard job, and it's something that we should be proud of. I'm sorry that Isreal has such a poor attitude about staying home with the kids. It's not all that great here either. But I've found a number of other women in the neighborhood that stay home, so we all get together. I've also joined a mothers group that meets twice a month.

Anne, I really think that you should do what your heart tells you to do. Maybe you could wait and make the decision until after the baby is born. I know that once I saw the baby, I knew working was not what I wanted to be doing. Don't worry about what other people think of you. On this issue, they're just plain wrong!
 

elinor

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Joined
Feb 28, 2001
Messages
437
Purraise
1
Location
Oshawa,Ont. Canada
Anne you have to do what feels right for you. I have learned through therapy that when other people push themselves past your boundaries and expect you to do what they want they are trespassing. You have the power to either let them in or keep them out. I let my father do this to me and I never felt good about myself. I was letting his opinions and ideas take over mine. He did this all my life. My thoughts were always based on what he would think or what he would do.And a lot of times I never even realized it.

Your feelings belong to you and no one else. If someone else doesnt feel what you are doing is right then thats their feelings and they belong to them. You are not responsible for the thoughts and feelings of others. Whether you stay home or work is a decision that belongs to you alone.

All the best with your decision. Take care.
 

hissy

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Feb 19, 2001
Messages
34,872
Purraise
76
I left the work-force over 8 years ago and at first it was very hard to remain above the comments flying at me. People wondered why I didn't work? And compounded to this is the fact that my children all have 4 feet not 2! I had a successful job in advertising, I was really good and what I did, I made great money. But my hubby makes great money as well, and we wanted to start our own business on top of it. Lately, we have let the home business kind of slide, but just this weekend 3 clients walked in off the street and bought our product!

You are a phenomenal web-site designer. The only thing is you need to be recognized as such. And from what I understand, with a little sneakery this can be achieved. Once you design such a phenomenal web-page like Cat Site, you enlist others to email the companies that hand out web-site awards encouraging them to come and take a peek at your latest completion. Once the awards start to be issued, you name is added on a premiere list and sent to others around the globe. That is how I am to understand that this works. At least how it was explained to me by another Web Goddess...


Hang in there my friend, your turn is coming to be known. Your family needs you and it is up to you to determine how your own personal satisfaction is to be achieved. Some people just have holes in their head, let me tell you a quick story.

When I first married Mike his old church invited us to a dinner in our honor. Now, I am not going to name the religion affiliated with this church, but at the table, I was asked directly when Mike and I were going to have children. I looked this matronly woman in the face and told her that having children wasn't an option for me. Now, I did not go into detail about my total hyst. at age 21 or the reasons behind that, I simply told this woman that Mike and I did not have a option of this. This *woman* raised herself up in the chair and gasped "MY DEAR, so what worth are you????" I was hissed! Mike and I left right after that remark and never looked back.

So let them say what they will. The bottom line is are you happy? Is hubby happy? Is baby happy? And people that tell you staying home and taking care of house, husband and child isn't work? Obviously it isn't to them, because they must not be very good at it!



Also Anne with your intelligence and command of language have you thought about writing grants for other people for a living? I believe if you go to charity.com you will find information about this lucrative field.
 

vlinder

TCS Member
Adult Cat
Joined
Mar 23, 2001
Messages
141
Purraise
1
Location
Utah
Anne, I agree with everyone else in saying, DO WHAT YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND FEEL IS RIGHT FOR YOU TWO! You should not be concerned with the opinions of your country. I can understand what you may feel from others' vibes when you tell them you are a housewife.. but HELL if I'll let ANYONE say that being a housewife is NOT a job in it's own! You heard it from Debby when she told you all that her mom did everyday in the home... and that is full-time work, PLUS overtime when you think about the late nights with the children and so forth!

All I mainly have to say is, are you happy with your internet busniess that you have here? Are you content with wanting to make it better and learn how to be a better designer? You say quitting your job to start this was not in the norm... so aren't you happy with what you've done with it?? I believe you are! So I don't think things will be much different for you if you decide to stay at home to raise a family! I bet you'll love it!

As for me, the choice is not so easy! I WANT desperately to stay at home with my baby that I'll be having as well. Will I be able to?? Well, with my husband alone we can just squeak by on finances. But I am considering looking into part-time work to just bring in a little extra of a paycheck so we're not so tight!! Deep down I don't want to work, but I may find myself there!! I envy you if you're financially set on your husband's income! And if I were you, I would stay home!

Do what your heart tells you and you'll be fine! Of course you'll probably beat yourself up by what others say about you, but then again, you'd probably beat yourself up if you DID work and knew you didn't want to be! Don't stress sweet sister!

*VLINDER*
 

donna

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jan 2, 2001
Messages
1,588
Purraise
6
Anne,

I agree with everyone here. You need to do what is right for you, your husband and your child. What Israel and everyone else thinks does not matter. Your family has their own lives as it should be and they have no right to tell you how to live yours. I wish that I could've stayed home with Amy when she was young. Unfortunately we needed both our incomes so that was not possible. Since you can live comfortably on your husband's salary, do yourself a favor, be with your child. That time in his or her life only comes around once and is so important. Don't ever live your life on "What Ifs".

The bottom line is, as long as YOU are happy, that is all that matters.

I wish you all the best.

Love,

Donna
 

spikeadelika

TCS Member
Adult Cat
Joined
Apr 19, 2001
Messages
217
Purraise
1
Location
London UK
Anne

I agree with all the good advice above. You need to do what is right for you and your family and forget the rest.

I am finding myself in a similar position. I am going to have to decide if I am going to return to work or not. I have not asked anyone their opinions as I think I will make the best decision. I want to stay at home and bring up baby as I truley believe its the best thing to do for the child. I would love to stay working as I have spent the last 2 years working my butt off at getting qualifications and am just about to start making some real good money. But childcare costs a lot in London, and I believe that me spending at least the first 2 years at home bringing up baby will give him/her the best start in life. I don't think childcare can replace the love and teaching I could give myself, unless it was coming from my husband (who cannot give up his job) or my mother (who lives in South Africa). So I will be staying at home. I have yet to tell my employer and hubby is really stressed out about finances and being the sole earner. And maybe I can do something from home. It might take a while to set up but if it works I only have to make my salary less what childcare would cost and it will be ok.
 

eggmelia

TCS Member
Young Cat
Joined
Jul 20, 2001
Messages
24
Purraise
0
Location
West Virginia
I really think it's good for the kids to stay home with them. I worked at AT&T and made a great income. When I got pregnant the first time I decided to stay home with her. I am still a stay at home mom after 3 kids. They are very smart all reading by 3 years old. They also do not show any attachement problems. BUT......I am not so sure I like it very much. I get pretty bored and sometimes downright mad. Spending 24/7 with kids is hard on the adult brain. I don't think I could leave them with someone else, it just sounds good sometimes. But as for the money thing. Working at a starting salary is sometimes more expensive than staying home. You have to have the babysitter, clothes for work, gas money, lunch money, your own car, etc. Your heart will tell you what to do. Just do what you want to do. Or you could try working for a while then quit if you decide against it. Good Luck on whatever you decide.
 

swalker

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Joined
Feb 6, 2001
Messages
471
Purraise
2
Location
Portland, Oregon
There seems to be some very wise people here on the site you created!!

If you are worried about your self esteem come here... we will help you out
You are a remarkable woman with beauty and intelligence. Just remember to tell your self that everyday. My mother was a stay at home mom when we were kids and I wouldn't have asked to have it any other way. What a special treat to come home from school to a lovely mother and not an empty house. I too say go for it!! I don't think you would ever regret this decision.

Who knows maybe you can be the one to change the way Israel looks upon stay at home MOMS
 

sunlion

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jul 20, 2001
Messages
1,876
Purraise
3
Location
Arlington, TX
Hi, Anne.

I gave up a career and stopped my education to stay home with my daughter, and I believe it was the best thing for her, but it was also hard to do.

I was 31 when I got pregnant, and you know you have a life that is your own and suddenly, you're a mom and your life isn't yours any more. I think this was very good for me in a lot of ways, it certainly forces you to make choices about how you spend your time. But I was also completely unaware, and since my parents have passed away, I was pretty much without even the support of a mother.

The loss of income wasn't significant in our family, but the loss of independence that comes with earning your own money continues to be an issue for me. On the one hand, I do feel entitled to a portion of my husband's money for my personal expenses, but on the other, I sometimes feel guilty spending "his" money on myself. This is one of those times when you learn a lot about money, power, and your own values.

Also, although I live in the US, we don't have much of a support system for at-home moms. Both parents work in most families, so other women just aren't around much. Because we are starting homeschooling this year and joining Girl Scouts (might be Girl Guides in your country), we are starting to get a circle of friends. It's very important to know a few other moms who can trade baby sitting and errands, just to give yourself a little break now and then. You might meet them at a La Leche League meeting, if you have that, or at your church/temple. You could also start a mom's group, which would keep you busy and help fill the gap left by stopping work.

The upside so far all seems to be for my daughter, but I decided that when we embarked on this journey. We chose to follow what is called "attachment parenting" so we are in a little different place than most of my fellow Texans. I breastfed, actually until she was almost 3, though by then it was just at bedtime. She never had an earache or an upset stomach, plus she has only had 2 or 3 colds and even those weren't bad. I'm sure it was the combination of nursing and lack of daily exposure to other children's germs that happens at day care. So many parents send kids they know are sick, because they have to work. She is outgoing and secure, she makes friends easily, she can amuse herself pretty well, and I always get compliments on her behavior and personality. I know a lot of it is just who she is, not something I've done, but I think it makes a difference if a child is just one of a crowd or allowed to blossom on her own in a safe and loving environment. And It's worth it to me to take a couple of years - or several! - out of my life to give my daughter a good start in life.

(continued)
 

sunlion

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jul 20, 2001
Messages
1,876
Purraise
3
Location
Arlington, TX
(continued)

If you can manage to stay home with your kids, I firmly believe that is the best thing for them. Just remember to find time for yourself in all this, because kids are like smoke, their needs seem to expand to take up all the available space! I have to remember to carve out time for myself. In the US the emphasis has been more on being the perfect and having a job too, which sounds the opposite of what you face.

I make art furniture, and now that my daughter is older, I am finding that I can actually sell my stuff! Making it is something that can be fit in around my family's schedule or worked on late at night. This is not my "field" nor is it what I studied, so you might consider a radical change in career direction if you choose to stay home.

Motherhood is more than full-time, and it is a career in and of itself. Learning how to do it and keeping up with your child is a lot of work. It's also really amazing and rewarding in ways you can't predict. And it's not for everyone. So if you try it and find out you are miserable (and some women are), you can always choose something else. Or you might just fall in love with your baby and not want to leave her.

Don't let THEM tell you what to do. I bucked local tradition and I think my family is stronger for it. I know my daughter benefitted. Do what you have to do for yourself and your family, because those are the people who will be with you for the rest of your life. Your life doesn't have to please everyone, only you.

Good luck.
 

lotsocats

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
May 30, 2001
Messages
5,481
Purraise
17
Location
Out Yonder in Kentucky
I am a working woman in a fairly high-level position (I'm a boss, so I can get away with playing on the internet all day
). I have no children, so I don't know if my opinion will count, but....

A stay at home mom who raises her kids and cares for the house works 100 times harder than I can imagine! I don't know how these moms do it!

My only concern would be if you let yourself become isolated. I've read that there is a high prevalence of depression and anxiety in women who stay at home and spend time only with their children (of course, this is not true of everyone in this situation!). So, you need to make sure you hook up with other women to keep yourself centered and to make sure you don't forget how to talk to adults!


I say Go For It!!! Do what is right for you and your family.
 

gap

TCS Member
Adult Cat
Joined
Jun 25, 2001
Messages
113
Purraise
0
Location
Southern coast of Washington
Anne,

You will NEVER do anything in your life more important than giving your children a good start in life. They are the world's future.
You only get one shot at it with each child. You are in the very fortunate position of being able to choose. Most women today have to work to survive.

Of course, there are drawbacks, but the rewards are tremendous. I'm not going to go on repeating everything everyone else said but this bears repeating - "it doesn't have to be forever". Many women I know stayed home until school age for their youngest and then returned to work. My daughter waited until her son could go to preschool (I think he was 3). Whatever length of time you decide to 'postpone' your working will be what's best for you and you will never regret it.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #19

Anne

Site Owner
Thread starter
Staff Member
Admin
Joined
Oct 23, 2000
Messages
40,207
Purraise
6,095
Location
On TCS
Thank you everyone for the great responses. We have company at the moment but I couldn't help but excuse myself for 10 minutes to read this thread. I will return to it later tonight or tomorow morning - there are some very insightful thoughts here and I need time to think about it all...

You all are the best!

Thank you!

 

dodo

TCS Member
Adult Cat
Joined
Jul 23, 2001
Messages
285
Purraise
2
Location
Cedar Park, TX
I raised (!) myself as a feminist, too. Never wanted to, make "a man" the center of my life, be financially dependent on him, do all the housework, raise children etc...I have never wanted "a man" interfering with my desires, wishes, decisions, as in some of the posts here saying "my husband wouldn't let me do this; wants to throw the cat away" etc...I was never going to get married & do what almost every women do in Turkey (unlike Israel, most women are housewifes in TR)...I must have talked big because I was the first one among my friends who got married !!!..

I studied Molecular Biology & Genetics in college. But since we are living in USA now for my husband's Ph D & since I don't have the visa to work, I can't work in USA ! I don't know how to drive & we are living in a place where there is no public transportation! Most of all, since we have moved here recently & since somehow Americans here don't seem to be that eager to be friends or I don't know how to make friends with them, I (we) don't have any friends !!! That is, I'm almost completely isolated & dependent on my husband & my only friend is my computer !! My hubyy is a nice guy, I wouldn't marry him otherwise, but I'm not living the life I was dreaming about ! I am a house wife now; god I hate that word for myself !!! I am soo scared of having a child & approaching 1 more step to being a house wife !! As sunlion said, raising children is completely another career & I don't think that I'm ready for that career yet. I really love children a lot, but I am not sure If I want that career at all either !?

Although I wasn't a great student in college to become a graduate student, I am trying my odds to become one now ! Hopefully I will start to a Ph D program in Psychology this semester & earn some money & meet some new people etc.

I watched an English movie on TV yesterday (missed the beginning so don't know the name). It was something like Sliding Doors of Gyweneth Paltrow. Somehow a housewife changes place with herself but at a different time where she didn't except her husband's proposal & became a working woman instead. It was a nice film. I wish I also had a chance like that...

You can always do what ever you want at any age in USA. I don't know about Israel, but that's not valid, especially for women, in TR...Again I don't know about Israel, but unlike USA, it is extremely hard, if not impossible for most times, for a Turkish woman to go against traditions & stuff. And I am glad that I don't have to deal with any of those s**t, because I'm faaar away from them.

Good luck
 
Top