Kitty, 20 years old, passed yesterday before 10am

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I wanted to share the passing of my beloved Kitty, my best friend, my little child, my soul mate. 

She was 20 years old, although we never knew her date of birth, only she was a newer kitten when my brother bought her from a store in the mall 20 years ago. My brother couped her up in his room and was not nice to her. He did hurt her when she meowed and other things I like to forget.

I took over caring for her in the house, I was 13, my brother 19. My room became her solace and home. My other brother also stuffed her in drawers and was not nice to her in his teens.

Needless to say she became mine. I spent everyday with her, if not I thought about her everyday wherever I was. She always looked sad, but never once bit or behaved badly.As she aged in her early and mid-late teen years she became like a dog. She would meow to say hello, greet me at the door, want to be pet and chased. She purred ALL the time. 

If you couldnt find her, she was somewhere always in my room. She slept in there. I eventually put her water and food in my room since she always slept there why make her go two flights of stairs to eat and drink!

Over 20 years I only took her to the vet twice! Once because she has miscarried babies inside her (none of us knew, she was an indoor cat and the one time she got out an missing for a few hours I guess she found a mate!) And the other time to the vet was because she licked her belly off!

About a year ago or less we noticed her weight was dropping and she was drinking more water.  She was very hyper at times, wanting to bet pet and would meow for us to play with her tail (that was her favourite - take a roll of wrapping paper and hit her tail - she LOVED it - always anytime forever). 

Eventually she was sleeping more but sleeping flat - laying down on her side head on the floor. By December 2014 she was paper thin but everything else seemed fine! However by new years she couldnt go poop! After 2 days and then seeing her mouth open in anxiety and stress and throwing up because of how hard she was pushing and nothing coming out I panicked and took her to the vert this last new years eve at 11pm.

The doctors there were so COLD (makes me cry) and didnt even want to pick her up or hold her. They told me to pick her up. Me to hold her on the table. He was so cold. I dreaded letting them take her for tests and an enima. When I got her back after testing she was FOAMING at the mouth like a big dog does, drool hanging so thick - mouth opened, blood and poop in her carrier and her in it tormented. They also cliped her skin off on her neck by accident - I was horrified. They said "Sorry we arent professional hair removers" - WHAT?

We took her home and she acted dead. 

The doc said she has hyperthyroid and possible kidney disease and heart maybe...all these MAYBES...and to take her to the vet when we can. That experience was the worst of my life.I feel like I hurt her by taking her there...but I cant think that because they did give her fluids and we knew to feed her only wet food, and to get her a laxative. 

Anyways since that day she recovered BUT deteriorated. She barely left my room, barely walked around cause her breathing was so heavy and sounded like congested and clogged. She always huffed and puffed. I made her wet food total soup and thats the only thing she ate(drank) She rarely touched her water and she seemed miserable.

I spent every night waking up to feed and re feed/refill her soupy food. Spent every night waking up at every movement of breath of hers wondering if she was ok. I used warm washcloths on her to soothe her, and wipe her face gently, I mean, I was her geriatric nurse and I loved it.

By March she no longer purred, her and I laying on the floor together was our favourite, and she purred. No more. She would be excited for me to come near and pet her but it was difficult for her to breathe so i didnt want to excite her more with trying to purr.

This past Monday we called the vet and they agreed - her breathing was awful, she was paper thin and she barely moved. It was time.

I am a teacher and tried NOT to break down in front of my students.

Monday night was my last night with her, she just layed in my room on her bed (on my favourite sweatshirt) and she didnt move She loved however when I brought her wet soup food to her, she popped up her head and stood up.

She was my confidant through everything. I truly believe God sent her to me and I to her because we needed eachother. Through all the hard times with family, and how she was abused by my brother in the beginning years, We became soul mates. She lived in my room. I was everything to her and vice versa.

I did all I could for her and would kill to have her back. The hardest thing in the ENTIRE WORLD is putting her down and watching that, and her not knowing what is happening. It makes me sick to my stomach and in a state of panic thinking what I did to her. Eventhough its just crazy thoughts. No amount of last minutes with her or days with her could ever be enough even though I crave ONE more minute. The memories of that room and her face and that morning and all of those last moments crush my soul.

I dont have children and am alone at 33 years old. She was my everything, my routine, my reason to go home, my sleepless nights for years, my entire light and joy, my heart beat, my buddy.

Now its empty. 

I will love and miss you forever Kitty. 

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Oh, I am so sorry. Cry all you want--we have all been there. She was your family and friend.

I wish words could help. Thank god you were there for all those years. What a deal we make with God...we get these perfect, precious gifts, but even 20 years is never long enough, is it.

Get some rest, take care of yourself, and take comfort in the countless memories. ((Hugs))

My heart cries for what you are going through, I know mere words can not comfort you like I would like, but they are all I have. You and that precious baby loved each other for 20 years, that is a lifetime of love and devotion that I am sure she appreciated and loved you back. She knew pain in the beginning, but you gave her nothing but love and devotion, not to mention such wonderful care , in the end. I'm so sorry you did not have a caring doctor, it may have eased your anguish instead of adding to your pain. She is free of pain now, and you were with her at the end, which is all she ever wanted, to be with the one she loved the most. Don't dwell on her passing, even at it's best it is heartbreaking, and it only brings pain. Try to remember all the good times you two shared, and all the love, she would want it that way. She left you her legacy of love, and when the time is right she would be honored if one day you would honor her legacy and pass it on to another little soul who so despartly needs the love you have to share. For now you must mourn the loss, know we are here to share your burden and to help in any way we can, it helps to share your pain with others who understand what you are going through. Please be gentle on yourself, you gave her 20 wonderful years, I would wish that for all of us. Take care...... RIP beautiful Kitty, you were greatly loved and will never be forgotten! 

I'm sorry for your loss. You did everything you could tho and had 20 great years together. It was time. She was ready to go.

Your story sounds so much like mine. I'm 33 years old this year. My boy was like soul mate, like god sent him for us to be together. He was mistreated as a kitten. He was traumatised at the vet, they could have did things better, also seemed cold. My boys last moments haunt me also.

20 years. 20 great years. What an amazing job you did and what an amazing gift both of you had, sent from god.

You are truly blessed. Be proud at the wonderful home you have your cat and the wonderful job you did for her. You both had an amazing time with eachother to go with that amazing bond.

I can't add anything more than what Catconcern says above. You have 20 glorious years with your girl; that's a really, really long time in cat years. It will be difficult for some time to come - it's been six days since I had to put Mr. Grimsby down and I'm still crying. But you know that everyone on this site has been there and understands perfectly what you're going through. It helps so much to share our joy and our sorrows here.

I send you bet wishes for love and peace and happiness.

Best regards.

I'm sitting here with tears streaming after reading your story, @LizzieB  .  I can relate so much to it. I'm single and my cat was my baby. I lost him about a year ago.  I didn't know his age as I rescued him as an adult,  but he had a rough patch before I had him and I had him for 17 years.  I still shed the occasional tear for him but that's about me missing him. Believe me, you're in the worst part of your grieving now. In time you start to appreciate what a wonderful difference you made to your beautiful girl's life. Not many people would have done for her what you did. While you were blessed with her company for all that time - much longer than most people enjoy the company of their pets - she was also blessed with your loving care and companionship.  

Without any question, you did the right thing by taking her to the vet to end her pain.  She could not have continued like she was. It would have been cruel to allow her to. Congratulations on making the right decisions for your girl throughout her long life. You did a wonderful job.  Please accept caring hugs from a stranger. 

Thank you everyone for your words, how much they help. I started reading so much on the internet about a month ago to prepare for this heart breaking event. I found this site and I read and read and my heart went out to everyone. I knew I had to join to belong to this support family. As now my family is gone, my light and like the air I breathe.

All the empty spots, the silence, the idle moments where I have no one to go to or curl up with or lay on the floor with and be face to face, nose to nose. I miss feeding her every 2 hours, cleaning the litter box non stop as she always went to the bathroom because she just peed everything she drank, nothign stayed in her skinny body.

The many routines and things I did for her to make her comfy. 

The thoughts of how I just scooped her up and put her in the carrier fast and didnt do it more slowly, I think of the moments in the vets office before the vet came in (he was amazing, unlike our previous one). But those moments, my kitty i took her out of the carrier in the room and she just went right back in. She never does that. I think, she wanted to go home. Yes she needed to pass, and was ready as she was suffering, but putting her on the table, laying her down and putting my face in hers, she had no idea. They say it is peaceful once they are injected but I just feel so bad. And they said I could have time with her. They left the room, she was laying there eyes open, and she was warm. After like 30 seconds I panicked and wanted to leave. She scared me, laying there, I couldnt do it. the vet came in and wrapped her up and I watched them leave and I die, truly crumble. I should have pet her more, but I was scared, so scared, so sad.

Now she lays in a fridge as they pick her up tomorrow to be cremated. I called them back and told them I wanted to keep her ashes, before I wasnt going to as I have never done this before and didnt know. Now I will have her back in a week or so. 

Has anyone done that? IS the putting them down memory the worst for everyone? I think it must be, more than the missing them at home...its that morning of, the car ride, the vets room, the process, the aftermath, leaving her there and going home in the car alone.  

I will work on not thinking about this I promise.

@Checkers  - thank you so much I am comforted knowing there is someone like you out there. I am very sorry for your loss and you are right, these days are tough. The nights are brutal but so are the days. I really appreciate your comment

@PHarber-Murphy  - I am so sorry about Mr.Grimsby. And yes, I was so comforted finding this site and reading all the stories before I put my Kitty down. I knew I would join, I need a support family

@catconcern  - everything you said is exactly how I feel. I spent every day thanking God for her and told her everyday, many times a day how she was Heaven sent and the love of my life. Thank you for your kind and comforting words. I am "relieved" that there are two of us with very similar stories, it really helps

@Di and Bob  - your words comfort me very much Thank you for the reminder to not dwell on her passing, as that creeps up non stop to crush me. Its not what I want to remember, thank you for everything you said.

@misterwhiskers  - thank you  so much I really appreciate your words.

My cat did the same, @LizzieBB  .  Every time I took him to the vet he tried to get back into his cage. (If it was at home, he wouldn't look sideways at it.) My theory was he was just wanting to get away from the unfamiliar environment.  You're doing what I did - torturing yourself by constantly thinking of the 'what ifs', and criticizing yourself for choices. It's so natural for a genuinely caring person, but I believe (and I'm no psychologist) it's not good for us, and won't change anything.  Your beautiful girl is no longer in that terrible pain and distress.  

I didn't go through the putting-down experience, but  the whole night when it happened  was still so distressing.I walked into the house to find him in a terrible state of pain and gasping for breath.  Like you I panicked and scooped him up, grabbing his cage and putting him in it to rush him to the vet. (I don't regret scooping him up quickly like that. I didn't hurt him.)  I rang the vet but got a recording. They had closed and gave me an emergency number. I rang that emergency after-hours vet (on a university campus) and they told me to bring him in straight away.  I sped off (a good 20-min drive as opposed to my vet who was only 3 mins away). When I got to the campus I couldn't find the vet and I drove around and around in distress until I finally found a student who left a function he was queuing for, checked the location on his smartphone, jumped in the car with me and directed me there. Overwhelmed by his generosity, I told him to take my car back to the function and leave the keys in it and I would walk back and get it later.  He said he didn't have a licence but was glad he'd been able to help and would walk back.  (I tried to locate him to thank him days later, but he was the knight in shining armor who walked off into the darkness having never identified himself.)  

So my trip to the vet was distressing in another way.  The student vet said she could put my cat down straight away, or get the teaching vet who would arrive in the morning to check him to see if anything could be done, but it was unlikely. His heart (which had a genetic defect) was failing. We discussed options and I stressed it would have to be what was best for him, and not me. I opted for leaving him for the vet the following morning provided he would have someone with him all night. I was assured he would be in an oxygen unit in intensive care, and would have 24-hour care. I left them with the instruction that if he was to have a cardiac arrest and go into distress, they were to put him down. They rang me a couple of hours later to say he did have a cardiac arrest and it was so quick they didn't get a chance to give him the injection.  

I had to live with all those decisions. Were they right? I don't know, but I did what was best at the time for my cat - not for me - and I can rest knowing that.  

I didn't ever think I would make the final decision which was put to me, and that was whether I wanted to collect my boy, or leave him for cremation or for research. I knew he would know nothing of what happened next, and I knew he had a very rare heart condition which he was born with (a band which stretched across his heart and restricted its proper functioning - a condition rare in cats which usually becomes a major problem in old age), and which would be helpful for students to study, so I decided to leave his body for university research.  Practicality and the call to help other animals fortunately saw its way through my extreme emotions at the time.  I knew his life would make a contribution to helping other cats.  

Your emotions are so raw at the moment, but please don't torture yourself with the 'what ifs'. You did what you thought was right at the time, and looking at your posts, I don't think there is any doubt that you were right and if you had the benefit of hindsight, you still should not have handled it any other way.  Well done!

I said I would never get another cat after my boy died, but it wasn't too long (a few months) before I decided to foster cats for short terms for a couple of refuges.  These were animals who were suffering - as yours and mine once were - in some way and needed some home love until they had recuperated and could be re-homed by the refuges.  

All the very best with your decisions and your healing.

Putting my cat down was the worst! It haunts me I almost broke down in public now reading your replies. Like your cat my boy didn't want to be there. The last thing I said to him was " boy if this is the last time we see eachother thank you for everything and I love you " he let out a scared murmur. I left him like that. He knew exactly the magnitude of the situation and what i was saying.

I also picked him up fastt and took him to the vet. I think the reason why we did because maybe if we didn't they'd run and or wriggle away from us? Out stories are so similar. I hardly spent anytime with him at the vet when it was time to say what could be goodbye. My boy was to hav an op so I thought they were going to do things ASAP but they didn't. I could have spent more time with him and console him but I left quickly. I got a call from the vet Later on him saying best interests to put him down and I couldn't witness that. I left the room as I couldn't bare to witness him being put to sleep.

Like you I have many regrets in y cats final moments and the way he went. Also we can't always act the way we want at the time because we are highly stressed. But I can tell you, you did everything right and handled things fantastically and have nothing what so ever to feel guilty about. Not one thing at all. Just the reverse. You did everything the right way and should be proud. I wish I did things like you. Because you have your cat a perfect life, and a perfect death.

In time another companion is a good thing. I had to, about 7 weeks after I lost my boy. I was in a really bad way. They've brought so much fun, love and happiness into my life and our home. I owed it to myself and my boy and the relationship we had and love he gave me to look after myself and be happy. The new cats have been good in helping me move forward in my life

I also have to add, as sick as your cat was and it was time, u said she meowed because she wanted to come home and was scared. That has made me realise that no matter how scared, sick, or weak they might be, and even when it's time they pass on, they will show signs that make us think otherwise. Your cat may have wanted to come home, but it was definitely time that you should have her put to sleep. She couldn't go on anymore. No way she could. Take comfort in knowing it was her time to go.

My condolences. Even when you know it's time, releasing a cherished companion is so difficult and leaves an emptiness in your life. RIP, Kitty.

I am so sorry on the loss of your beloved kitty. Know that you gave her a wonderful life and that she no longer is suffering. We've all been there. Allow yourself to grieve , don't hold it in as it's not healthy.

Wishing you comfort in your loss. (((hugs)))

LizzieBB said:

 
Thank you everyone for your words, how much they help. I started reading so much on the internet about a month ago to prepare for this heart breaking event. I found this site and I read and read and my heart went out to everyone. I knew I had to join to belong to this support family. As now my family is gone, my light and like the air I breathe.

All the empty spots, the silence, the idle moments where I have no one to go to or curl up with or lay on the floor with and be face to face, nose to nose. I miss feeding her every 2 hours, cleaning the litter box non stop as she always went to the bathroom because she just peed everything she drank, nothign stayed in her skinny body.

The many routines and things I did for her to make her comfy. 

The thoughts of how I just scooped her up and put her in the carrier fast and didnt do it more slowly, I think of the moments in the vets office before the vet came in (he was amazing, unlike our previous one). But those moments, my kitty i took her out of the carrier in the room and she just went right back in. She never does that. I think, she wanted to go home. Yes she needed to pass, and was ready as she was suffering, but putting her on the table, laying her down and putting my face in hers, she had no idea. They say it is peaceful once they are injected but I just feel so bad. And they said I could have time with her. They left the room, she was laying there eyes open, and she was warm. After like 30 seconds I panicked and wanted to leave. She scared me, laying there, I couldnt do it. the vet came in and wrapped her up and I watched them leave and I die, truly crumble. I should have pet her more, but I was scared, so scared, so sad.

Now she lays in a fridge as they pick her up tomorrow to be cremated. I called them back and told them I wanted to keep her ashes, before I wasnt going to as I have never done this before and didnt know. Now I will have her back in a week or so. 

Has anyone done that? IS the putting them down memory the worst for everyone? I think it must be, more than the missing them at home...its that morning of, the car ride, the vets room, the process, the aftermath, leaving her there and going home in the car alone.  

I will work on not thinking about this I promise.

@Checkers  - thank you so much I am comforted knowing there is someone like you out there. I am very sorry for your loss and you are right, these days are tough. The nights are brutal but so are the days. I really appreciate your comment

@PHarber-Murphy  - I am so sorry about Mr.Grimsby. And yes, I was so comforted finding this site and reading all the stories before I put my Kitty down. I knew I would join, I need a support family

@catconcern  - everything you said is exactly how I feel. I spent every day thanking God for her and told her everyday, many times a day how she was Heaven sent and the love of my life. Thank you for your kind and comforting words. I am "relieved" that there are two of us with very similar stories, it really helps

@Di and Bob  - your words comfort me very much Thank you for the reminder to not dwell on her passing, as that creeps up non stop to crush me. Its not what I want to remember, thank you for everything you said.

@misterwhiskers  - thank you  so much I really appreciate your words.

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I'm so sorry on your loss. I recently had to put to sleep, my cat Topaz , so I know exactly what your going through. Bless you for giving that little kitty such a wonderful life.

Thank you everyone for your posts, I adore them and read every word over and over. To know people share in the pain is beyond comforting. Thank you.

@catconcern  Thank you SO much for all your posts. I love reading them...and how we are so similar. You as well were as brave as ever and loved your beautiful cat more than anything. If only they knew how badly we didn't want to do what we did. We would have done anything for them and to end their life seems like it goes against everything we felt for them - they were our souls.  But reading everyones posts, especially on how we made the right decision, they would be suffering today still if we didn't - I have to keep thinking that. As much as I do it doesnt help, but it will one day. My friend said everytime I am going to panic and blame myself and feel horrible about bringing her there and doing that to her, I need to think of what if I had her one more night, with her breathing problems, her weakness etc, what if something worse happened. 

I just came home from work and coming home is killer. The void, the absence, the guilt, a hundred fold and beyond. I cannot look at pictures, maybe for a second. I cannot look at her bed, it hurts too much. 

Yes I keep thinking of one more minute, one more I love you, one more anything, that ache I pray will go away. I am not at a point I can think of the happy times, only the loss. 

I lived for her, truly. Now I need to find something else to live for. 

God bless all of you during your times of hardship and pain. 

Those first hours, days, and weeks after my Chrissy died were the hardest thing I have EVER went through, I truly can't believe I didn't die of a broken heart. Time is the only thing that helps to soften the anguish.  I just wanted you to know that you, and may of us, are punishing ourselves for doing what was truly the greatest, most unselfish gift of love we could, ending the suffering of those sweet angels. It would have been very selfish of us humans to prolong the suffering from something that cannot be made right or 'cured', it would have been because we didn't want to experience that loss and pain, not taking in to account what was best for our loved ones, or what it meant to force them them to go on. Our babies depend on us to make the decision to do what is right, and when the quality of life is gone, and only pain and weakness remain, it is time. My heart breaks for all the pain out there, but just remember, the only reason we hurt so bad is because we loved so completely. Take care.......

I just read your post & am crying .    What an awful time you had at the end & I am sorry for your loss.  Think of those wonderful 20 years together; most of us have not had that long with our loved ones.  I, like you have no family or children.  When my husband died my Rizzo was my everything for 8 years.  People at work talked about their families & children; I had only cat stories.  Took all the joy of having him for granted & thought he would be with me at least another 7 years.  It will be very hard to not have your cat there to greet you & do all the special things she did.  When you alone they become your soul mates.   No matter how things are at the end; they are never the way we wanted them to be.  You try to be brave up until the end and then they are just gone.  So final.  Think of your baby as being free from illness & having fun on the other side. One of the last of my posts in the thread the Story of Rizzo there are a few suggestions from a book on grieving the loss of cat I bought. I put all of Rizzo's favorite things, picture & ashes on my fireplace mantel with a candle.  At night I light the candle, sit & talk to him, telling him all the things I wanted to before he died & how much I love him.  This helps because I truly believe he hears me.   I also called the number for the Aspca grief hotline listed in this forum,they are very helpful. 

I know the pain you are in right now but it will get a little better everyday.  I only sob for him every couple days now, instead of all day long.  Rizzo died on Jan. 19, 2015.  Also, talk to us.  I posted & posted the first couple weeks.  People were so kind.    This was the most painful event in my life because I was closer to him than most people. 

We are here for you!

Rest in peace, beautiful soul Kitty.  I know you will wait for your mom on the other side.

That's so special you loved Kitty so much. And I think it's great she had a long life living to 20. I was in a similar situation with not knowing my little buddy's exact age. He seemed to have only lived 7 years old according to the shelter we got him from he was only 2 yrs old when we got him. No matter what the age and how long they lived, we are lucky to have the little sweethearts in our lives. I felt like I lost a child when I lost Chef last week. It's hard to not cry everyday. But remember we are all here for you and you came to a place where we understand the pain you are going through. You'll always miss Kitty and I'm sure Kitty is missing you too.

Kitty

 Thank you everyone.

I am awaiting Kitty's ashes, they should be arriving any day now. 

Last night I couldnt sleep - guilt creeps up at night time, the image of her little face and her blinking eyes into mine before she passed - the guilt of thinking her saying "how could you do this to me, I love you, I want to stay, I trusted you"...yes I know I should not think this way but I am hard on myself. She meant everything to me, she made me love and now that love is gone. That last look haunts me. Those last minutes haunt me, every evening and night. All the time really.

To think she is now ashes...breaks my heart...I miss her and it still boggles my mind that she is gone...my peace and serenity when I come home is gone. And ashes? So sad.

When I get the call to pick her up I will be so sad but I do await her return. I also ordered a little paw print in clay too, pink like her nose.