How to STOP blaming yourself?! It has been only 4 days...

I lost my beloved cat last week on Friday morning. It has been a very, very hard and long way for both of us. I am at the stage where I am blaming myself, I found hundreds of reasons why he died that morning and most of them were my fault.

THE BACK STORY

2005

When he was only 4 he started suddenly attacking me and my partner. We lived in a very small appartement with him, and he would chase us, scream at us, scratch us till we bled and the tantrum lasted for 20-30 minutes. The vets had no clue what it was. One of them didn't even bother to look at him, but just told me that he would have to be put to sleep.  I resisted it. I fought it. I cried at the thought of putting him down. I decided to keep him and change my life around his obvious teritorial issues.  We moved to a new flat where he had a garden, the attacks were not as common anymore.

2007

Suddenly my cat would stop and start drooling, he would get a very weird look in his eyes. Then after a few minutes he would just meow very loud as if he was crying. I took him immediately to the vet. First reaction was he was having behavioural issues. He put him on some pills that were supposed to calm him down. The issue still arose every few days. Next time I took him the vet was almost certain it must have been a tumor in his brain. I changed vets. I cried.

The new vet put him through a MRI scan and every other possible lab diagnosis, nothing unusual came out. Nothing. Everything seemed to be in order.

2008

He got bitten by a tick.

2009

All of a sudden my cat would start walking very slowly. He had issues with hind legs as they just wouldn't support him. Yet another visit to the doctor where the took another scan which revealed again nothing unusual. The new vet said it must be something with his brain cells.

2010

My cat could hardly walk. He would stumble and fall. Once he fall into the food and he broke his jaw. Immediately we took him to vet and everything got fixed, but from that day on we decided it would be better if we took care of him and we carried him instead of letting him walk.

2011

He started getting some extreme seizures. The vet FINALLY diagnosed epilepsy on my suggestion.

2012

In that year first he was incontinent and he would just urinate without even being put to the toillete, he got a cathether, antibiotics, but by the end of the year he had lost the ability to urinate. So again a new visit to the doctor who put him on some pills that would help his bladder, but that didn't work and I had to learn how to squiz the urine out.

2014

He started drooling occasinally.

2015 Last month

He started drooling more, he had a few more seizures, occasionally he would vomit, but with cats and especially with cats in such condition as he was in, I didn't make a huge fuss.

2015 last day

He was constipated for 7 days and finally he let it go. He refused food. And he kept spitting out the water I tried to give him though seringe. 3 horus later he vommited. No blood, just some food. When I cleaned him he had his mouth locked and he wouldn't let me open his mouth, his jaw was locked. Googling drooling and refusing to eat I got stomatitis, ulcers in mouth and troubles with teeth. I called my partner to urgently come and take us to the vet as I wanted to take him to our vet, which was 105 miles away as I recently moved with cat, but 15 minutes later I decided not to. I told him it would take us 4 hours until he came and we went back etc. I said to him he should come first thing in the morning.

That night I slept with my hand gently on his head, touching his nose and stroking him. Through the whole night. He had very, very weird seizures and after 3 hours I finally made a connection, it must have been epileptic seizures, but unlike I have ever seen. They lasted for 3 seconds every few minutes, after 3 minutes he would suddenly fall asleep, he seemed very calm.. It was after midnight. Now I think I should have taken him right then to the local vet, but I didn't. I gave him an additional half of the epiphen for epilepsy and thought it would stop. It didn't. It lasted till morning.

In the morning I put him on his favorite blanket, he just fell asleep. I was waiting for my partner to come, I was writing email to my vet and ringing them when I heard him making vomiting sounds. I rushed to the room took him and he just vommited water. I put him back on the blanket went to clean the vommit. When I returned to him after 20 seconds I just saw his purple tongue out and I lost it.

It has been 4 days only. How do I stop blaming myself. You need to know that all this time we both took care for him, we both work at home and we were with him like 24 hours a day. If we went on vacation he went with us, wherever he went that was my home. I nurtured him in the last few months alone. I feel like I left him down. I feel like I could have done more, that it was something that I did that day, that it was my fault he died. It is beyond hard for me. Losing him is just painful.

I keep convincing myself that he went on his favorite blanket, with me next to him in privacy of his home, he didn't seem like he was suffering, he seemed like he was sleeping through those seizures. He would look at me and wink at me and then go back to sleep. There were no odd noises, just those 3 second seizures... I blame myself for not taking every sing to the heart, I blame myself for not taking him to vet immediately. I blame the vets for not being able to diagnose him properly, I blame my partner for being so far away and left me without a car... I know I shouldn't. But he was my everything.

He lived with me or 14 years.

All this time he was still unable to walk.

To make things clear

Sounds like you did a lot for your cat all this years. In 2005 a vet recommended putting him down, well you showed that vet and have your boy 10 more years of life. If you went on holidays you took him with you. I understand your pain as I also blame myself. I had my boy put to sleep and I believe it was premature. Your heartache is one many here have gone through. You had no car, and your boy had gone through hard times before but made it ok so you probably thought he'd be ok this time and you were going to take him to the vet. Sometimes fear and stress can immobilise one , can't always act the way went want to act in a pressure situation.

You gave your boy a good life and did all you could. All you could, was a hell of a job and a damn good one.

You have got to stop blaming yourself, nothing good EVER comes out of it. When I start to feel that guilt starting to come back, I start thinking of how sweet, how much my baby unconditionally loved me, and she would NOT want me to be so sad and blame myself for her death. Our babies have such an uncomplicated love for us it is not in their nature to blame us for anything, they are not 'programmed' to do that. We have to follow their example and know in our hearts we would NEVER purposely do anything to cause them pain, we have to celebrate the love we shared and the time we got to spend with them in our lives, not dwell on their passing. If you would go back and read your beautiful tribute, you will see a man that went WAY above and beyond that point that most people would have attempted, you took over his care, his WALKING for years! You gave him years of unconditional love and life, that I'm sure would have never happened with anyone but YOU, and your selfless care giving. He died at home with the person he loved the most, I can only pray that all of our precious loved ones could do that. I know the heartache of losing someone so loved that it feels like a piece of my heart left with them, I can tell you that it is like the ocean,sometimes gentle and we can almost be normal again, and then it can crashing in like a tsunami, overwhelming in it's intensity and making us question our very existence. You have to let your feelings out, they can build to intolerable levels if you don't, to people who understand what you are going through. I want to thank you for writing this tribute to a beautiful boy, and letting us get to know him and his life. It makes his life, and your love, have meaning and purpose in this world.  Bless you for loving so much to hurt so bad. He will always be in your memories, treasure them, and his love  is a legacy he leaves to you that will always dwell in your heart for as long as you are alive. Just try to picture how you would want HIM to live the rest of his life if something would have happened to you,and follow that example. We can't change the past, no matter how much we want to, and the future is not ours to see, so grab hold of this present life and make your sweet baby proud, save another little soul at a shelter by paying for their adoption. I do this several times a year in my Chrissy's name, and I know your sweet boy would approve.  I wish I could take away your pain, but it is a journey we all have to take alone and in our own time, take care...... RIP sweet boy, you will never be forgotten in this world! 

Di and Bob said:

If you would go back and read your beautiful tribute, you will see a man that went WAY above and beyond that point that most people would have attempted, you took over his care, his WALKING for years! You gave him years of unconditional love and life, that I'm sure would have never happened with anyone but YOU, and your selfless care giving. He died at home with the person he loved the most, I can only pray that all of our precious loved ones could do that

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That says it all. You did everything you possibly could and helped him achieve the average life expectancy for a healthy cat, which he wasn't. Feelings of guilt are a natural part of grief, but there's absolutely nothing to blame yourself for.

I'm very sorry for your loss and hope time will bring some comfort to you. RIP, little one.

Thank you all for your very kind words. I know exactly where you all come from and most of my friends and people close to me have said pretty much the same things...

It is hard to not question certain moments, certain seconds when you weren't there.

I had a very long walk today by the sea, I cried, I laughed, I talked to myself. I am going to try and live by "Everything happened for a reason" I don't know if tomorrow I will be able to apply that, as the blaming just keeps growing strong inside.

Again, I thank each and everyone of you who took your time to read my post. I am reading through a lot of similar posts in the main thread and I can see it is never easy, regardless of timing, regardless of disease or the situation... we all always suffer the same.

I forgot to attach my favorite picture of his... I will always hold him dear and close to my heart. He rests in the garden right across the kitchen window and the bedroom window. And every morning at 7.30 the sun shines on the flower that I planted on top of his little grave. It makes me kind of smile inside... .

What a beauty; he looks a lot like our last cat, Jamie, whom we lost to heart disease two years ago. Seeing the sun shine on his final resting place must be consoling. I often find myself going outside, sitting next to Jamie's grave, and telling him what's going on in our lives and how much we miss him.

I'm so sorry you suffered so much trying to provide the best life possible for your kitty.  You went so much above and beyond in trying to help him and figure out what was wrong with him.  Unfortunately, sometimes just as with people, the Doctors can't always find the underlying cause.  Blame is an evil companion that attaches itself to us when we are at our most vulnerable.  When something is so tragic and so out of our control we tend to lay blame on ourselves.  We know it's not rational, but we don't know what else to do in our grief.  It has been 5 months since I lost my kitty, and I am still blaming myself.  I can tell by your story that  you loved your kitty with all of your heart and sole.  He was so lucky to have you as his guardian.  Imagine if he had ended up in a home where he wasn't loved the way that you loved him and someone decided that his care was too much to handle.  You gave him everything.  He knew how much he was loved.  Bless your heart for giving him that.  There is no blame here, just a terrible circumstance that you had to endure.  Pat yourself on the back for being such a caring human being.

I'm so sorry for your loss. He was such a handsome boy. Please don't torture yourself like that. You went way above and beyond what a lot of people would do for a pet. I can see it in his eyes in the picture you posted that he knew he was loved. He loved you, too and he would not want you to suffer. Hold on to the years of love and friendship you shared. He will.

Think about this:  you had been taking him to the vet for years, and the best they could do was (eventually) prescribe meds to help with epilepsy.  Had you taken him that night what would they have done?  From what I have read the vet would not have done anything that would have helped.  Also, had he died while you were driving or at the vet you would blame yourself for his last hours not being in the comfort and security of his home, which is where he was happy and felt safe.  Neurological diseases can be controlled to a degree but curing them is another story entirely, and he got to be 14 -- that's pretty old for a cat, near 80 in human years.

You are a wonderful person for doing so much for your cat. Most people would have put him down rather than deal with his paralysis. Most people would not have spent that kind of money trying to diagnose a sick animal.

You should not blame yourself as you went above and beyond the call of duty. You did everything you could. I'm not sure the vet could have saved him even if they tried.

I felt the same way when I lost my dog. He got sick very suddenly and was gone within three days. The vet told me there was nothing I could have done and there was nothing they could do. He passed over a year ago and I still miss him daily.

It is difficult loving animals who will pass before you. In 15 years the pets I have now will probably be gone. Yet I can't imagine my life without them. We know we will outlive them, yet we bring them into our lives regardless. I keep swearing my next pet will be something that lives longer. But I still can't imagine not having another cat... although it is tempting to get a miniature horse which might live forty years! But I will never be catless.

I'm sure even if I swore I wasn't going to get another cat, one would show up at my doorstep! For some reason they always find me. After I lost my cat Sarah, Isabella showed up literally on my doorstep begging for food. The strange thing is she is terrified of strangers but she came to me. She walked into my life not even two months after Sarah's death. I think it was fate.

It sounds like your cat was starting to suffer with its illness and that it was time to move on. You must move forward as well. I'm sure there is another cat out there who would benefit from your love.

It is hardest in the mornings when I wake up. He died in the morning, 8:30 exactly. And when I am returning from the market it gets even harder as I am returning to almost an empty home. I keep watching his video on the loop, his last moments, few minutes before he died. He seemed so calm. It is unreal to me that I had lost him. Somehow it feels like it happened months ago, and then it feels like he is still there and I keep looking for him with my eyes.

A very interesting thing had indeed happened: about a month ago a very scared, obviously very sick cat who had been neglected and tortured (she is afraid of hands, feet, she just starts to attack and retreat even after 1 month) showed around the house. Not very old. I gave her food daily, I made her a bed in front of the door and she just laid there for days. When she saw me she would run toward me, but not too close. Some 7 days ago a friend of mine noticed she was pregnant.

I have received some private messages with words of courage. Thank you all. I hope I will see things differently in months and I will only remember nice things about him and not my loss.

wow..your love for your kitty is amazing with the patience and help you got for her. I'm so sorry for your loss...he was so beautiful
I think the books should list the 1st step in grieving for our furbabies as "guilt" as we pretty much all have experienced it... I really think there's a level of grief that comes with losing our pets that is extra hard and that's due to our lack of communication during this time... we are so used to being their caregiver and they trust us..that we feel we betray their trust... only because we cannot communicate to them, or them to us... and we feel they won't understand ...but I feel animals especially are so intune to the fact that "they know" and "they are ready" when it's time.

I want to reiterate what many have said.

Despite being advised to end your kitty's life, you provided the best care possible to him during his life. You didn't have to do this and many wouldn't have taken on such a special needs cat. He lived a long life BECAUSE OF YOU and your love for him. So many wouldn't have made that commitment and you made him HAPPY during his difficult life. You were someone he could trust and depend on and that is absolutely amazing. The amount of things you did to help him is commendable and while I know losing him has caused you a lot of pain, you were with him and that matters SO SO MUCH. You were a comfort to him and mad his final days as comfortable as possible. What else could a cat ask for? Than a loving, committed owner who showed an impressive willingness to do so much for him. You gave him an amazing life and he's no longer suffering. I can't say anything to ease your pain because losing a loved pet is horrible. But just remember he wouldn't have had a life if it wasn't for you and you gave so much to him, you gave him his life that he lived for a long time.

I hope you find peace in knowing that, at some point. I know it's difficult to adjust after so many years of taking care of him, it's almost like when people become caregivers to sick relatives and end up losing them. You don't know what to do with yourself and feel lost. I hope you find comfort in your memories with him. And that all he could've asked for was you to be there when he passed, just being there was a comfort to him after the amazing loving care you provided all those years.

He was handsome, your cat.  I am so sorry for your loss, and for your partner's loss as well.  It's obvious you loved your cat with all your heart.  Look at the beautiful picture you posted; he was in a home and surrounded by toys.  Someone who didn't take wonderful care of their cat wouldn't bother with toys, or vet visits, and would have probably given up on him after that first attack. You and your partner did the just the opposite.   I wish so much I could say something to make you feel better.  Please don't blame yourself.  I think you will remember the good soon.  You must give yourself time to get over your devastating loss.  And bless you for helping the pregnant cat.

Today is one of those days when I keep going back to feelings of blame and I keep thinking "What if I had..."

It is so painful. I can so easily blame myself for his death, but never actually knowing what caused his death. I just feel like I could have taken him to the vet. And that blame is just unbearable. It had been only 9 days and the wound is so fresh and open.

What I observed in these days is something very interesting. He was my cat, my baby, my friend and on some level my partner. Why did I let him down? I can't stop crying thoughout the day and there is nobody that can change that.

I can understand that he left, that is not an issue, but I just can't keep going back to those feeling of blame and point finger at myself. Will this blame game ever stop. Why do I keep returning to it. I feel totally confused and I had never felt like this in last 15 years. It's a nice sunny week, but I can not appreciate it. I pretty much don't appreciate a lot of things at this stage....

I will never get an answer to my question and that is killing me...

We will always feel those horrible feelings of guilt and blame ourselves, it is a part of the grief we are going through. When I feel no joy in this world anymore I remember what a sweet, precious girl I had the privilege of knowing for so many years and I KNOW in my heart she would never want me to be so sad when I remember her. They are so unselfish and uncomplicated in their love it would never be in their nature to see us hurt so much because we loved so much. Try to remember the good times and how much you meant to each other, it does nothing but bring heartache to dwell on the loss. A piece of your heart went with him when he left, but he left you with a piece of his own, to treasure forever in your heart for as long as you live. We have to mourn because we suffered a tremendous loss, and it is so very painful. But one day, in time, we will smile at our memories , and pass on that entrusted legacy of love to help fill that hole in our hearts. Be gentle on yourself and take care.......

Di and Bob said:

 
We will always feel those horrible feelings of guilt and blame ourselves, it is a part of the grief we are going through. When I feel no joy in this world anymore I remember what a sweet, precious girl I had the privilege of knowing for so many years and I KNOW in my heart she would never want me to be so sad when I remember her. They are so unselfish and uncomplicated in their love it would never be in their nature to see us hurt so much because we loved so much. Try to remember the good times and how much you meant to each other, it does nothing but bring heartache to dwell on the loss. A piece of your heart went with him when he left, but he left you with a piece of his own, to treasure forever in your heart for as long as you live. We have to mourn because we suffered a tremendous loss, and it is so very painful. But one day, in time, we will smile at our memories , and pass on that entrusted legacy of love to help fill that hole in our hearts. Be gentle on yourself and take care.......

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I can't say it better than Di and Bob.  We love our cats and blame ourselves when the unthinkable happens.  It's a normal part of the grieving process.  You are a kind person, so please be kind to yourself.    Your baby would not want you to suffer, even though you can't help it.  

Thank you,

I feel a bit better posting on the board here, the thing is I don't have children, he was my baby for 14 years and I feel like I let him down by not getting him to the vet that day immediately. i keep thinking, he could have been alive today, I know, I shouldn't blame myself, but it's so easy....

He was 13 and a half, but to me, he just looks like a little kitty, he was a bit odd and had his ticks and because of the disease his head was tilted a bit... and for me that's what's made him special in my heart.

Anyway, thanks for your replies and all the kind words. Much appreciated.
 

aww..sweet pictures... please know it's all a part of grieving and you will face so many stages until finally you will be able to smile with less tears when you remember your sweet baby. My hubby and I do have kids and grandkids, but they are all out of state... so yes, I know all too well how your kitty feels like your son...as our two "girls" are like our kids as well. Amazing how once they are gone, you realize just how much their "schedule" and lil personalities impacted so much of our daily lives. You set out what you intetended...to give him a life that was full of love that nobody else could've probably given him like you did...and we never know how long that will be.