How can i get my new cat to let me pet her? Without her being terrified?

I mentioned on the boards that I recently adopted a street cat. Her name is Elsa. I have another cat that is very sweet, and loves being petted, and will rub her body on my legs. I am not an overly affectionate person. But i like spending a few minutes a day petting my cat Kitty.

But with Elsa, everytime I try to pet her she runs in terror. Oddly enough, she lets my mom touch her without fear. My mom even touches her belly. I think this might be because she sleeps on my moms bed, since i have allergies, i dont let the cats on my bed.

It makes me so sad that she flinches when I pet her. What can i do?  

NOTE: I pet her softly, i dont overstimulate her, by petting her like crazy. I just pet her head, and back softly, like i have always done to Kitty.

She trusts me enough that my room is one of her hiding spots. She hangs out in my moms room, my room, living room, and kitchen. She never goes to any other bedroom in the house, even though there are a couple more. Im living with family right now.

How long did you have her? She probably needs to warm up to you more

You've had her... what, a little over a month? She needs time to get used to you. Hiding in your room sadly doesn't mean anything. Did you manage to solve the issue with your overeager dog? All these might put her on high alert some of the time.

In the meantime, don't pet her at all. She's not used to you yet; since she was a street cat, she'll be a lot more finicky than socialized ones. Let her come to you. Be her primary caregiver. Play with her and feed her. But don't try to pet her.

Let her come to you instead. You can extend a closed fist at her if she comes near you. In cat language, they only open their paws when they're in a fight. So an open palm is scary to her. The closed fist is the friendship fist. Extend the fist close to the ground, because a big open palm hovering over her head is scary to her. She thinks you might try to grab her. 

If she runs away when you extend your fist, that's it. You're done. Try again later, or tomorrow.

When she shows some interest in your closed fist (sniffing it, etc), you're ready for the next step. Slowly pet her from the side of her head, between the chest and the chin, and slowly work your way up to the top of her head. You're still scary to her, so patience and consistency. Again, if at any time she backs away or shows any signs that she's afraid, you're done. No more petting for that day.

Be patient, and be consistent, and remember that some cats take MONTHS to get used to their owners.

I adopted a cat from a rescue group, one I later learned was less-than-reputable. His name is Simba and he was 6 months old when I adopted him. While he let me pick him up when I first met him, I quickly learned he wasn't being affectionate, he was frozen with fear.

When I brought him home, he didn't even want to be in the same room with me unless it was to be fed. It took several weeks before he wouldn't run out immediately when we walked into a room, and that was only in larger, open rooms. It took several more months for him to even consider coming up to me. Even then, if I went to reach to pet him, he would run.

We had to take him to the vet several time because we found out he had the Herpes virus. Trying to catch him was terrorizing for him, but I had no choice. I would have to start all over getting his trust back.

Fast forward a year and a half later, and Simba actively comes to me for affection, takes longer and longer to feel like he's had enough petting, and will even sit by my side. He still will not let me pick him up without him freaking out, but just several months ago, I was able to pet him for the first time using two hands, and he loved it. Two weeks ago, he let me lay my head softly on his body while he snoozed on the bed.

It has taken over a year to get this far, and there are days when I still have to make "the good noise." I click my tongue, and all my cats know that's a good noise, and for Simba, it means he doesn't need to freak out. I can always tell when he's about to bolt, but he knows that noise means he doesn't need to.

You have to take it very slow with your new kitty. Do everything on her time. I know you want to love on her and show her how much you love her, but showing your love may mean just leaving her be for a while. Let her come to you. If she's food motivated, you could try getting her used to you by giving her one treat at time, but not trying to pet her yet. Some cats just take a while to trust people, and she may be one of them. It could be you remind her (through no fault of your own) of someone who has hurt her in the past. Or she may realize you act differently because you have allergies. Just be patient, and always positive with her.

FhiCat said:

 
You've had her... what, a little over a month? She needs time to get used to you. Hiding in your room sadly doesn't mean anything. Did you manage to solve the issue with your overeager dog? All these might put her on high alert some of the time.

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I have known her a couple of months (including the time she lived outdoors). The thing is, when she was an outdoor cat, she would let me pet her, she would rub herself on my legs. But she seems more reserved now.

The situation with the dog is better. Elsa feels confident enough to walk around the house, and he leaves her alone, and doesnt chase her. Every now and then, if he sits near her, she will hiss at him. But at least she is going around the house comfortably.

Anyway, i will try as you say. I dont want her to be afraid of me. Im just confused why shes changed how she acts with me, but is still friendly with my mom. What i meant by my room being a hiding spot, is if she wants a safe place to explore without dealing with other people, she knows the dogs dont come into my room. She comes inside, sits on my chair, explores my entire room. She doesnt stay in one place in terror, she feels comfortable enough to search my room. She doesnt do this in any other room.

wolflover326 said:

 
I adopted a cat from a rescue group, one I later learned was less-than-reputable. His name is Simba and he was 6 months old when I adopted him. While he let me pick him up when I first met him, I quickly learned he wasn't being affectionate, he was frozen with fear.

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Aww, thats a great story. I am glad he is feeling more comfortable with getting affection. I will try to be more patient. =)

FhiCat said:

 
Let her come to you instead. You can extend a closed fist at her if she comes near you. In cat language, they only open their paws when they're in a fight. So an open palm is scary to her. The closed fist is the friendship fist. Extend the fist close to the ground, because a big open palm hovering over her head is scary to her. She thinks you might try to grab her. 

If she runs away when you extend your fist, that's it. You're done. Try again later, or tomorrow.

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This actually worked! I saw her lying down calmly, so i extended my fist, let her smell it, and then i let my hand get closer. When she didnt flinch, i petted her really softly, just for a second. And she did not get scared.

I only did it for that second as i dont want to press my luck, or scare her. But i do see this as progress.

UPDATE: She lets me pet her a few seconds but then runs away. Today my older sister, who never interacts with Elsa petted her, and Elsa let her, and was playing with her. My sister even told me that Elsa was rubbing her with her head the other day. Why is Elsa being affectionate with my mom, and sister but not me?

My sister thinks that Elsa must know that Kitty is my cat and feels jealous. Not sure if this could be true? Elsa does see Kitty constantly looking for me, going to my room, and sees me petting her.

When i try to give Elsa some attention though she runs away.

I thought she was just scared to be indoors, but shes a lot calmer and happier. The door was open yesterday and she showed no interest to run outside.

So why is she only afraid of me?

It sounds crazy but do cats communicate to each other who their owners are? For instance while i do fill both cats plates with food, my mom has to be the one to take Elsas food to another room. Kitty cannot see me taking Elsa her food first or she refuses to eat. I used to take Elsa her food to my moms room, so Kitty could eat would Elsa trying to steal her food. But i noticed Kitty didnt like that.

She would also stare when i would be affectionate with Elsa. My friend was joking around with me saying that Kitty told Elsa to back off from me, or that Elsa can sense Kittys jealousy.

Nothing else makes sense, because Elsa used to be affectionate towards me until she got into the house. Shes now only loving towards my mom and sister.

hi, i can answer that, as i had the same situation, but mine a bit different, the kitten has picked us as we had other kitten [dead now, run over by a car,    ]. This kitten i fed it all the time, and it kept running away from me, one method I found is to bring some food to her (like small pieces of meat or cheese) and let it come to you and then grab the kitten and give it the food and pet it, it will take couple of times till the kitten builds trust with you and it knows that you are not going to hurt, once that phase passes, it will not run away from you. 

Hope this helps.....

I think cats either just know (maybe by the other cat's scent on you) and/or they do communicate to one another. When I first went to live with at my sister's house 10 years ago, the cats would all come around to say hello because I was unclaimed. I ended up having to play with the youngest who was still a kitten. After we bonded, the other 3 cats knew I was her human and didn't act the same anymore. They were friendly, but didn't try to "claim" me like in the beginning.

Bonitababy said:

I think cats either just know (maybe by the other cat's scent on you) and/or they do communicate to one another. When I first went to live with at my sister's house 10 years ago, the cats would all come around to say hello because I was unclaimed. I ended up having to play with the youngest who was still a kitten. After we bonded, the other 3 cats knew I was her human and didn't act the same anymore. They were friendly, but didn't try to "claim" me like in the beginning.

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sorry, just saw this!

wow, thats amazing i didnt realize this was something common. amazing how they seem to know these things right? thanks for sharing!

I wanted to update everyone. Its been 4 months, and though she doesnt treat me as she did before she met Kitty. She does finally allow me to pet her. She doesnt run away as soon as i touch her. She is still more friendly to my mom, and will still sometimes reject me. But at least she lets me pet her every now and then. I know now i wont have the same relationship with her as i do with my other cat. But i am okay with that. Shes happy, healthy and safe and thats really all that matters. I used to worry she wouldnt be happy to lose her freedom and become an indoor cat.

But shes been near the door when its open and she turns her back to it, like she has no interest going back outside. I sometimes have to leave the door open to take out the trash and she stands by the door, but makes no attempt to go out. Which is a relief, as my neighborhood is not a safe place for cats.

Nital said:

 
hi, i can answer that, as i had the same situation, but mine a bit different, the kitten has picked us as we had other kitten [dead now, run over by a car,  

 ]. This kitten i fed it all the time, and it kept running away from me, one method I found is to bring some food to her (like small pieces of meat or cheese) and let it come to you and then grab the kitten and give it the food and pet it, it will take couple of times till the kitten builds trust with you and it knows that you are not going to hurt, once that phase passes, it will not run away from you. 

Hope this helps.....

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This is actually what worked! i started giving her treats by hand, and would pet her as i did.

sorry about losing your other cat. thats the worst fear i have as a pet parent.