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idea needed for a gift

post #1 of 17
Thread Starter 
Well heresa tricky question for you. Since my mate Mike comitted suicide and the funeral has been over a few days, I called by tonight to return some photos that I had borrowed of him. Just wanted to scan and have something a little more solid than a memory to look at. Anyway, I went for a few minutes, ended up being there half an hour and at one point, had them both laughing and smiling which I feel incredibly guilty about. It was good to see them smile though through instead of weep.
I would love to get them something for christmas, maybe a little something to let them know that even though it is not an easy time for them, nor will be, that I am thinking of them.
I have no idea what to get? I thought about some wine and dropit by xmas eve - just put it on the door step all wrapped up with a card and then quickly jump in the car and drive away so they dont see me.
I dont feel a card wishing merry xmas a good idea - so something just nice letting them know thoughts and prayers with them.
Its not an easy question I know. Mike's father is 70 and mum not far behind but we have developed a good friendship.
Any ideas please?
just wanting to give something to someone who lost so much
post #2 of 17
I am not good at that too Kev , but wine sounds good to me . You may can get a child for you to deliver so you don't have to run away . I think that is very nice of you to think of them on christmas . You are a very sweet guy .
post #3 of 17

Don't feel guilty about laughing or making Mike's parents laugh. Right now everyone is walking on eggshells around them. They need to talk about him and his life and the fact that Mike will be remembered and missed. People did the same thing around my sister-in-law when my nephew died. They wouldn't even say his name for fear that she would cry. But talking about him reminded her of the good times and the love and what he meant to everyone.

The wine is a nice gesture but don't drop it and run. Share another evening with them and more memories. That, honestly is the best gift you can give them. And keep going back. You may gain a set of surrogate parents. I have several surrogate parents and I love each and every one of them as much as my own parents. Its a different relationship with each. I talk cats with one, boyfriends with another and finance with my surrogate grandpa.
post #4 of 17
kev -

i have to agree with sweets. you have no reason to feel guilty about making them laugh. they say laughter is the best medicine. thier pain must be so acute right now that happiness would seem hard to come by. giving them a break from the constant pain is a good thing.

and going with that thought, i also agree spending time with them might be the best gift you can give them. wine sounds like a lovely idea. or perhaps you could treat them to a nice dinner. i respect that you see their need to greive and don't try to "snap them out of it", but trying to ease the pain by reliving the wonderful moments in mike's life may be just what they need.
post #5 of 17
You shouldn't feel guilty...making them laugh for a bit was the best present you could have ever gotten them. It probably helped to relieve a bit of their stress. I think wine is a good idea or maybe even a cheese/meat and crackers tray...something to snack on.
post #6 of 17
I agree with the wine & food idea, and most of all with just being there for them, but here's one more idea. How about having a star named after your friend? I have never done it before, but did find this web site: International Star Registry

Another option would be to make a donation in your friend's name to a charity he supported...
post #7 of 17
I agree with Auburn412 and Sweets, one thing I have heard is that people don't like to talk about those who have recently passed away. Those who are grieving are left with no one to share with. It would help Mike's parents if you could be there for them and let them talk to you about him. Some of the things they say might be sad, but a lot of them would be funny too. Also, this is something that can be given whenever it's needed, not just at Christmas.

Another idea is to plant a nice tree in Mike's memory somewhere in his parent's yard next spring.
post #8 of 17
Maybe you could take up a nice desert and wine to them. You do great things Kev.
post #9 of 17
kev, you are the sweetest guy and so thoughtful, i think they would enjoy the wine better if you were there sharing it with them, that way if they need to talk about Mike you will be there for them... hope this works out for you, and im so sorry about your loss..(((hugs)))
post #10 of 17
Hey Kev,

I agree with them.. spend an evening with them, talking about mike and drinking wine. i dunno how you guys do it over there but personally, I would invite them for a quiet xmas dinner at my own place with my family. at least to let them know they are not alone.
post #11 of 17
How about a photo album or some frames for the pictures? Do you know where they keep them? It would be a nice gift and connect them to Mike.

I just saw the star idea. If you can afford that, it's be a really nice idea. It would immortalize him for both you and them.
post #12 of 17
A cornucopia of great ideas, so all I'll say is never feel guilty about being part of geniune laughter. No matter how sad they are right now because they've lost Mike, they can't be down all the time, and anything that helps lift their spirits and give them pleasure remembering their son is a GOOD thing. The best gift you can give them is yourself, and your innate ability to lift people's spirits.
post #13 of 17
When my sister suddenly died, my parents wanted to see and talk to other people besides each other. If they were home alone, they would only talk about my sister, feel bad and sad and sometimes end up quarreling. Believe me, Mike's parents really appreciated your visit and the laughter!
They will enjoy whatever gift you give them whether a bottle of wine, cookies, flowers, etc. And I suggest you write a special message in the gift card that will make them laugh once again!
post #14 of 17
Kev - I think something personal to remember Mike's memory would be a lovely thing to do. The star idea is very special, but dependent on their religious views may be seen as a bit 'hippy and pagan' and I know people of that age may not see the significance. I think the tree is a special and worthwhile idea, an alternative would be a park bench or something with a dedication to Mike on it . . . like in the memory of . . .

Whatever you decide, I think you should present the gift in person. I feel somehow that this will have more meaning for them than something left on a doorstep.

You've developed a bond with these people, and you knew their son well. Personally, I would say the best gift would be a promise that you will always be there for them if they need to share the memories of their son.
post #15 of 17
Kev - I would suggest somehting like a nice photo album or scrap book that they can keep memories of your friend in. Maybe you can print out some of the pics and start the scrapbook for them. I would also stop by and chat with them again when you deliver it. They need people around them now with a connection to their son!
post #16 of 17
Kev, I am sorry for your loss!

I like all the others suggestions, and would like to add one:

I think a candle is a nice gift to somebody who has lost a loved one. There are so many beautyful candles out there, thick ones, long or short, nicely decorated, with a cross or something else. Or a decoration, like a plate, maybe with some pland decorations, and a candle.
Or one of those plates with a little sweet holder for a tea light, and behind the tea light maybe a cross or a frame with a pic of your friend.

Maybe this is a cultural thing here, but this is what people often give in those circumstances.

And I would definately take it there myself. His parents would appriciate that, and would feel your condolences even more, I would think so anyway. And I am sure all of you would feel better after having a talk about your friend and remembering him together.

post #17 of 17
I think the idea of planting a tree in his memory is an excellent idea! When my father died 3 years ago, the town he lived in bought him a tree and we planted it here in our yard, where he had lived for many, many years. It is a beautiful red maple...and last spring, Merlin was also buried under it. It reminds me of them both.
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