Feeling so frustrated and discouraged...

When I made the decision to bring Abbie, Max and Pippa into the house and give them a warm loving forever home, I knew it wasn't going to be easy.  I knew I had a long road to travel and every milestone, no matter how small, was a reason to celebrate.  I kept telling myself not to expect much, that they may never be lap cats or enjoy being touched/picked up/cuddled.  I kept telling myself to just be happy and thankful they were finally out of the cold, in a safe environment and I could stop worrying about them day and night.  I was fine with all of that.... or so I thought....

I should be very happy with the progress I've made with them considering how old they are (Max and Pippa about 9 months, Abbie about 4 yrs).  For the most part, I am happy.  Don't get me wrong.  There was a time when I thought they would never even come close to me.  So why am I so upset that I still can't touch or pet Max and Pippa without bribery on a consistent basis?  Or that Abbie still makes me feel uncomfortable in letting her out of her crate? One minute, Max and Pippa will let me touch them and they enjoy being petted.  Those moments bring such joy into my heart.  Then the next minute they see my hand coming near and they bolt away, bursting that bubble.  Sometimes, I'm not even attempting to touch them, I'm just reaching for a can of food or something that happens to be next to them.  I know not to force the touching and to let them decide when it's OK, but it's so frustrating when they don't allow it, especially when it was OK just moments ago.  How do I know when to move on to the next step?  Am I moving too fast for their comfort?  I worry that I may never get to the next stage and will never be able to pick them up without them struggling to get away.  As for Abbie, I want to let her out of the crate, but I know that could cause a setback with Max and Pippa.

I was at the vet the other day and they have an adoption room full of kittens.  One little cutie, about 6 months old, came up to the window and started meowing at me.  I was allowed to go inside and visit her.  She came right up to me, purring and rubbing against my leg.  She wanted me to pick her up and hold her.  I thought to myself "Why can't Max and Pippa be just like you?"   I realize Max and Pippa will probably never be as cuddly as this sweet girl, but I would really like to be able to hold and pet them someday.  Same goes for Abbie.  Twice now, I've had a dream in which I let her out of her crate and she came right up to me purring and letting me pet her like a completely tamed and domesticated cat.... as if she was never feral.

I hope someone can give me the encouragement I need to not give up so soon....  I love these critters...

I think there is something special about people who love cats, especially those cats who seem bound and determined to ignore us, make us feel stupid for loving them or who are just plain being cats!

You have indeed come a long way with these kitties. You are correct in saying that they are so much better off inside. And you are correct in realizing they may never be cuddly kitties. We have eight cats and only one will allow me to pick him up. And even then he only wants to be held for a minute or so. We have one cat who only allows a ten-second head scritch every three days or so.

Every cat is an individual. Your three are less cuddly than some but that doesn't mean they don't appreciate you.

Hang in there!

I agree Ondine - those of us who love these special cats are special people indeed!  I think anyone else would throw in the towel by now and walk away without giving it thought.

And yes, each cat is an individual, same as with people.  I've had cats before many years ago and knew how different their personalities can be.  I guess I've just forgotten that a bit and have been hoping these three would be a bit more cuddly by now.  Maybe someday they will be.  Nobody knows for sure and only time will tell, right?  In their own strange ways, I know they're showing me appreciation for bringing them inside.  I'll love them forever no matter what and accept them as they are.  I'll gladly take any amount of affection they give me in return!  To just be able to touch and pet them without them bolting in another direction would make my heart sing!

Eight cats... wow!  What a joy they must be! 

Thank you for the encouragement

Let me take as a parallell my oldest resident.  Who although a home born guy, is shy to strangers.  He learned me much Re  shy cats, and was often an eye opener.  And his behavior reminds in much of fostered ex semiferales.   Which gives me a theory; much of the behavior of fostered ex-semiferales is not because they are ex-semiferales, but essentially, because they are shy.

One peculiarity is, he doesnt like to be hold . -  Although with time he did learned to appreciate shorter visits at the chest, one minute perhaps.

Another example - he doesnt like to be petted when he is on the floor!!!  He just bends his knees and goes low away...   Still into today.

Its much easier when he is comfortably laying on a sofa or a chair.  Or even standing there.

It become so long, when he saw I was on my loving mood and wanted to cuddle, he jumped up on a sofa, layed down, and THEN I could cuddle him a good while.

He is no lap cat either.  But he got to love to lay down at my knees when Im laying down, perhaps reading or taking a nap.  (at nights he usually prefers to lay at my wifes knees).

Also, he become more and more fond of cuddling as adult.   As a youngster, he was contend with a few strokes at most.  Now as senior citizen, we can do it as long as I have the patience...  

Try something such with your too!    Cuddle when they are comfortably laying down, on a high bedding,  NOT when they are standing on the floor.

And be sure you are sometimes laying down with them.  Quite a few, even shy freshly adopted semi-ferales, do dare and lay down in the bed. Nearby or even touching their new owner.

A Feliway diffuser may also help to give them better harmony, and feeling of coziness and security.   Worth a try.  Cheapses on Amazon or E-bay.

Good luck!

I have two feral wobbly cats, they were trapped at about 3 months.  They have lived with me for almost three years and about half the time when I walk into the room they bolt like they are on fire, I have assumed that this is a fact of life for all of us and is not likely to change.  They don't like to be picked up, although Raffles will tolerate for a few moments (it usually means he has to have a bath).  Nefra just freaks, I tried picking her up everyday for months and it just never worked, so having said that both are affectionate and loving on their own terms/times.  Raffles comes every morning to be brushed and purrs up a storm, the rest of the time he is pretty much not interested and does that duck under your hand although he will come and poke at me if he needs a chin scratch and even occasionally sits on the couch next to me, unless I move and then he bolts.  Nefra seems to feel most secure in my bedroom and that is place that she is most likely to cuddle, so the lying down thing does work, she gives very vigorous head butts in the morning when breakfast is due!  So, just keep at it, eventually you will find a combination that works for everyone.  Having said that I also have a very loving cuddly female who adores being picked up and carted around so that kind of makes up for things.

I have five indoor cats (2 shelter cats, 1 stray, and 2 socialized ferals) and a feral tomcat outdoors. One of my indoor ferals is affectionate and completely domesticated (I trapped him when he was 3-4 months old). The other still doesn't care to be petted and panics if I pick her up. My outdoor feral, whom I've been caring for now for almost three and a half years, still will not allow me to pet him and still will not come inside, and is trap savvy and very smart, so I haven't been able to trap him to neuter him. I will tell you something. He is my favorite cat, even though I can't pet him, pick him up, or cuddle him. There is a strong spiritual bond between us that I can't describe, that is every bit as satisfying as the bond I have when I pet and cuddle my indoor cats. I've saved his life twice--once when he was ill and another when he was injured--and he trusts and cares for me, but will not give up his independence or wild nature. I love him for who he is. I feel the same way about my indoor feral who doesn't like to be touched and who will play with me with the wand toy, but is still fearful of me and will likely never be a lap cat. I'm happy and satisfied to have provided her with a good home, and she has no desire to go back outside. She is content. When you decide to care for a feral, you need to accept them for who they are on their terms, and bond with them in ways other than physical affection. Most ferals don't need physical affection from humans, but that doesn't mean they aren't capable of loving their humans.

I can try to explain it another way. Children raised in orphanages in some countries who are not handled and touched by humans as babies often develop reactive attachment disorder. They have difficulty bonding with people because during their formative, early months, they were not given the opportunity to bond. Cats are similar, in a way. If they aren't socialized to humans during their first few months, if they aren't petted and held as young kittens, then they often aren't comfortable being touched by humans, and it takes a long time for them to built trust if they're feral. They are wild by nature. Some are able to become accepting of human touch, but many aren't. This is why most ferals are not considered to be adoptable and are euthanized in shelters.

I hope you'll be patient with your cats and find ways to bond with them. Have you tried playing with them with a wand toy or giving them cat nip toys? Sitting near them and talking to them or singing to them? There are a lot of ways to let a cat know he is loved other than petting.    

Thank you so much for your responses!  I have a much better outlook on things.  Hearing from others helps tremendously!!  I found this website, too:  http://www.theluckyfew.org/site/about_us.html

MsAimee, your post really 'spoke' to me and gave me a better understanding.  I really wish I would have gotten them in the house months sooner, especially when my husband told me that he thought he saw a momma cat jump off our front porch with one kitten in her mouth and another following closely behind.  They were probably only a couple weeks old at that time.  But I never saw all of them until later on.

I do accept them for who they are, and I love all three unconditionally.  And I'm glad they're no longer outside - they're in the house with me, safe and sound    I suppose I haven't gotten to the point yet of accepting that they may never be as affectionate and/or cuddly as I would like but I can be patient.  I'm not one to admit defeat very easily - LOL!    They do show me affection in their own way and on their terms, though.  They'll play with me, step up into my lap for treats, and every now and then I'll get a meow and a purr from Max.  I haven't quite figured out what works best for each of them, so I'll need to pay closer attention to that.  I'll find other ways to bond with them aside from petting/cuddling.  I have found that the best time to pet them is when they are a laying in their bedding that's raised up a little higher and they're too sleepy or at least a little bit groggy to care that they're being touched/petted.  Once they wake up from their trance it's like "OMG you're touching me!" and they're leap down to another spot.  I'm paying closer attention to their body language as well.  As soon as I notice they're beginning to get a little uncomfortable with petting, I stop before they decide to move away.

A couple of things worth mentioning.... 

I've had cats before, but this is my first time dealing with ferals.  It's certainly a learning experience.  I have a Feliway diffuser in their room and I also purchased a bottle of Jackson Galaxy's Spirit Essences Feral Cat Rehab.  The combination of the two has helped.  I've also been sleeping in the room at night for the past two weeks or so.  They haven't made any attempt to lay next to me but when I wake up and get off the bed, Max and Pippa will immediately jump up and lay where I was laying.  Sleeping in the room seems to have really made a difference with Abbie, too.  She hasn't hissed or spitted at me in over a week when I reach inside her crate to clean it, although she does let me know when I'm too close for comfort,  She has even come out of her little cube to play with a mouse that I left inside her crate and she's made some noises I've never heard before while she's playing.  If she continues in this way, I'll feel more comfortable and confident to let her out of the crate and join Max and Pippa. 

UnbridledSpirit said:

 
  Hearing from others helps tremendously!!  I found this website, too:  http://www.theluckyfew.org/site/about_us.html

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Yeah, it is a nice, well made site.  The chapter on Emergency Evacuation, for colony caretakers, is very instructive.

There are three things I concentrate on as I work with the cat:

• One: Trust. I must show the cat that I can be trusted
• Two: Goodness. I want the cat to learn that good things happen when I am around.
• Three: Pace: Too fast and the cat is nervous. Just right and the cat actually enjoys the process. There is no “too slow”.

Although my end goal is to get close to the cat and be able to touch it, the more I focus on that the worse my results will be. When I successfully focus on and achieve the three ideas listed above, the distance between the cat and me just melts away.   I have learned and I can’t emphasize enough, that slow and steady, step by step is the fastest way to get to the end of this process.

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So, maybe I'm focusing too much on the end result and not the process.  Although I'm dying to pet and pick them up, I need to concentrate more on the "slow and steady" and allow it to happen gradually, no matter how long it takes.

I also liked reading this:

... we didn’t know that the common thought is that you cannot tame a feral cat if they are older than 8 weeks. We just worked with them until they were tame. 

This leads to the belief is that feral cats are difficult, if not impossible to tame. This is not true.

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It can be done

I took in a female feral two and a half months ago. I had previously cared for her and the colony for three years outside so I was able to handle her somewhat and had built a trusting relationship during that time.  The property owners removed the colony of 8 cats over the period of a year and she was the last one remaining so I knew it was only a matter of time until she disappeared also. When I first brought her in she was not happy and would swipe and hiss at me. Prior to this I could pick her up which is how I managed to get her in the carrier to bring home. I was able to rebuild the relationship by playing with her using a string toy with a catnip mouse on the end. It was a slow process and I could not touch her at all for more than a month.

I am able to pick her up most of the time now but she does not like it very much. Also for no reason she will run away from me and hide in her carrier in the bathroom she lived for her first month inside. I left the carrier in there so she would have a safe place at all times and that was where she felt the most safe since coming in. She spends most of her time in a limited area of the house (her choice) on the first floor only. She has ventured upstairs a handful of times but never stays long and runs back downstairs at the first sign of movement by me or my wife. She sat on my bedroom floor for @ twenty minutes for the first time yesterday. When I stood up she ran downstairs into the safety area of the carrier. Also if she hears anything outside or any strange people she runs right to the carrier. 

I guess the point I am trying to make is that over time the cats will get more and more comfortable but it seems to be 2 steps forward 1 step back, or even 1 step forward 2 steps back sometimes. I think you are really doing a great job with all three cats and you have essentially given them the feral cat winning lottery ticket to the good life in comparison to what it would have been like outside. I remember when you first posted about them in your garage and have followed your journey with them until now. Also the cat I brought in has not cried to get out or even attempted to go near the front door so I know she's happier in here than she was outside. Cats are smart and they usually know a good situation even though they seem overly cautious about it.

Thank for your response, tonyd4life, and sharing your experience with your cat.  Although this is my first time dealing with ferals, I'm beginning to realize and accept that they'll always be a bit cautious and skittish.  As much as I'd like to be able to pick them up and hold them without a struggle, my number one goal is to be able to touch/pet them without them being afraid of it.  And there are times when I'll enter their room and they'll hide under the bed for no reason.  I'd like for them to feel more comfortable and not hide.  Like you said, 1 step forward, 2 steps back. 

They certainly do have it much better in the house than in the garage!  And I can tell they're happy with the arrangement - they still have each other and they don't need to worry about anything.  I'm considering letting Abbie out of her crate over the weekend but I'm so very nervous about it.  I have no idea how she'll react, or even how it will affect Max and Pippa.  I know it may cause a setback with them, and that's what I'm dreading.  But I can't keep her in the crate forever.  I can sense she's a bit depressed at being cooped up.  I was hoping I'd be much further along with Max and Pippa before I let Abbie join them in having full use of the bedroom.  We shall see...

Max did one thing last night that almost brought tears to my eyes... he was laying next to Abbie's crate, he allowed me to pet him, and while I was petting him he rolled over onto his back and let me scratch his belly!  He allowed it for a couple of minutes - it was the best feeling in the world!

How cool is this?!  Petting Max without bribery... 

All together now - AWWWW!

Ondine said:

 
All together now - AWWWW!

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Another "woo-hoo" moment last night... and with Abbie!  She licked baby food off my finger several times.  She wasn't quite sure about it at first but Pippa and Max had no problem showing her how good it is.  So she cautiously did it once then looked for more....  gave me such a great feeling!

UnbridledSpirit said:

 
Another "woo-hoo" moment last night... and with Abbie!  She licked baby food off my finger several times.  She wasn't quite sure about it at first but Pippa and Max had no problem showing her how good it is.  So she cautiously did it once then looked for more....  gave me such a great feeling!

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That is a huge step.

Wow, that is great.  Slowly, slowly, they will all come around.  Pretty soon, they will be stealing your chair whenever you get up!

Ondine said:

 
Wow, that is great.  Slowly, slowly, they will all come around.  Pretty soon, they will be stealing your chair whenever you get up!

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Your comment about them stealing my chair made me laugh.  I've been sleeping in their room the past couple of weeks.  When I wake up and get off the bed, Max and Pippa (almost) immediately jump up there and lay where I was sleeping.

Yep, nothing like a nice seat, warmed by their human's tushy!