The story of Rizzo - long

Hello,

I put my cat to sleep last night and I don't know what to do w/ myself.  The last few yrs. he developed Hypothyroidism which turned into Hyperthyroidism and then diabetes an finally kidney disease.  He was always an outdoor cat but the last few yrs. when the health issues crept up he stayed inside almost exclusively.  The last 10 months I gave him insulin shots 2X daily and his diabetes was kept in check.  However, the last 4 months I gave him SubQ fluids 3 out of 4 days and I think that extended his life and I'm so glad I did it.  About once a week for the last month he would throw up really bad but he would bounce back the next day so his quality of life remained good because he could poop, pee, eat and drink although I knew he would never get better.

When I came home from work last night he was laying on the floor in a position that isn't normal to him for the floor and I talked to him but he was in the middle of a seizure and was heartbreaking.  I put him on the bed and fortunately my vet gave me the name of another vet who would come to my home to put Hunter to sleep.  I was able to have a last 2 1/2 hrs. w/ my boy but every 20 mins. he would have seizures and it tore me up. 

I don't know what I would do differently.  Aside from the vomiting, his last 4 months were OK until the last day.  I guess I know this was a possibility but I was more prepared for a lack of appetite and at that point I would know it was time. 

It is never easy and just know your kitty will always be w/ you!  Life isn't easy sometimes but try to remember the good times.  Time will make things better ~

Riley...you can talk as much as you want too. We will be here to listen and relate. I too could talk about my precious Zen all day long. He was so special. He never put a paw wrong. He never jumped up where he wasn't supposed to. He never even bugged all that much for food. All he really wanted was my love and companionship. I loved how you said you guys had love fests. We had those too! Every morning and every night! He was the BEST cuddler EVER! He would snuggle down to sleep on my pillow every night and give me his special kitty kisses where he would rub his whiskers on my face...and sometimes very gently bite my nose to let me know how much he loved me. He would usually wake up when I did...come up and snuggle again, then patiently wait for his breakfast. Then off to work I would go...leaving him treats and the windows open (screened of course!) where he would gaze out upon what i think he considered his kingdom, and take his lazy naps in the sun. Then when I would get home he would be right there to greet me with his HI MOMMY meow. We would joyously hug and i would kiss that beautiful head and caress that cute body and he would purr super hard and loudly. then i would give him his dinner. Then it was time to hang out til bed time...and it would start all over. He never rejected my love, he was always willing to accept petting and kisses, not all cats are like that, He was with me for nearly 15 years wherever life took me, and he weathered it all like a champ. Poor baby was sick for awhile before the last month got really bad...I fought so hard for him...I would have paid anything to keep him alive, but when I saw him suffering so, hiding away from ME...I knew it was time, and even though I HATED it with every fiber of my being, I knew I had to do him the kindness and let him go. It was an awful day. Just AWFUL. But it was the right thing to do. God how I miss him. He was the sweetest most loving little creature I have ever known. Cancer sucks. He had stomach cancer and there was nothing that was going to save him. I can't bear to remember it sometimes...and other times I can't bear not to remember it...he was so amazing...i loved him beyond all measure and time and I KNOW he felt the same way. I know that if I talk about him like this to most other people they will look at me like I have lost it...But HERE on this miraculous site I know I can say these things and you will understand and never judge me as a crazy cat lady. So Riley, hang in there, talk to us all you want. We're here, and we are listening and we care. Hugs.

Hi, I really appreciate your sharing your stories & will respond later.  During his last three weeks & grieving for 12 days I have done nothing else.  No bill paying, shopping for food or much else.  Got to get these things down. Tiiny bit better today & found some things that have helped that I wanted to share with you.  You guys are the best!

Riley1, you can talk about your hurt and pain as much as you want.  My Cindy died in September (at home, naturally). She had cancer, but they couldn't find what kind with the biopsies. We opted for the surgery because the vet said she was a good candidate, healthy otherwise. They removed a large tumor and part of her colon and found it was mast cell cancer. We had chemo for her. She lived a good quality life for almost two years, but it caught up with her. Right up until the end I kept hoping and praying that we would find something, anything that would get her well. We knew someone whose cat had mast cell and is still going strong several years later.  But when she started losing weight again, we knew it the end. We got pain medicine for her, and she passed peacefully at 7 AM on Saturday.  We did call the vet who comes to your house to euthanize but got a recording that you have to make an appointment 24 - 48 hours in advance.  I was glad that she went naturally. It was hard to go through it, but we sat with her and talked to her and told her we would be okay.  Cindy was DH's heart kitty and he was/is devastated.  I loved her dearly too, and miss her so much.

So then we got Darcy, a sweet little kitten who was loving to us and loving to our other cat Swanie.  About 2 weeks after we adopted her, she started acting different. Long story short, we found out she had FIP. We kept her going for another month with pred and love, but when the end came, it was obvious.  We called our vet and had a few more hours with her to comfort her (and try to comfort ourselves), then we took her over.  It was the right thing to do, but maybe the hardest thing I've ever done, to hold her in my arms while the vet did what she needed to do. It haunts me the way Cindy's death doesn't. 

We had a sign from Cindy. At the end she was only eating dry food, and we put some down on a plastic mat in our bedroom. That was how we knew she was in the room, we would hear the food on the mat as she ate it.  The night after she passed, I heard that very distinctly, and there was no one near the mat.  The next night or so DH heard it too. With Darcy, it was one month to the day when I had a dream of her, and I think that was her coming to tell me she's okay.

There are people who understand the grief you are feeling now, and you are in good company here.  Don't ever let anyone tell you that "it's just a cat."

Riley1 said:

Today was pretty bad.  This is just too final.  You feel at the time putting them to sleep is the kindest thing but then they are gone forever!  The realization came to me that I will never have him lying on me, kissing me, cuddling against me at night.  I can never pet or scratch him again.  We will not go outside in May and he will not run to me or come & stand on my feet.  We used to have what I called "love fests" when he could just not get enough petting & scratching. His feet would splay and his nose would run.  He would meow with in a special voice if I stopped.  More, more mom.    Then I thought about his end and how badly I handled it.  This morning I thought I was doing better because I did not cry just thinking about him but tonight I am sobbing.

I want him back so badly.

A few days after he died I started talking to him just like I did when he was here.  I come home and say "Rizzo, mommy is home", "Let's go to bed". I know he will not come so I think it would be better to stop this.  Waiting for a dream, sign or message of some sort.  Odd, but when he started getting really sick the middle of Nov. the light in the kitchen started to go on & off, sometimes burning out the bulbs.  Since he died it has been working perfectly.

Here is the nut case part.  My only hope is that he will be able to reincarnate and come back to me. Silly!  If this were at all true I would want him to show up as one of my fosters as a little black & white kitty with green eyes.  I am told we would never find him this way.  Have read stories about this and think the universe should just send them back to me.  Has anyone felt that their kitty has come back in another body?

In addition I am looking for an urn for his ashes and can't find one special enough for him or maybe I just don't want to do it.

I hope others on this site are not going through this as well and are finding some peace.  I just can't.

Thanks for listening!

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Hi. I'm like you. I regret putting my cat to sleep. Gone forever as you said. Sorry for your loss and the pain you are in.

In some ways it does get better in time. You'll b able to cope better and feel way better and not be a mess if you are ( I was ) in other ways it doesn't get better at least for me As I regret what I did and don't think it was the right thing to do. For me the realisation that he is gone forever really upsets me.

Hi Everyone!

Things are not going all that much better but I had to work all weekend so didn't have time to think about Rizzo that often.  The times that are the worst are coming home to an empty house, lying on the couch to watch TV alone and going to bed without him.  Tonight I was just thinking his water cup is gone.  Several years ago he started drinking out of my water cup on the coffee table, so I gave him his own.  He would never drink out of anything else after that.  I would switch out the cup with the one I had been using for my smell & that suited him just fine.  He was such a smart cat. He liked to eat outside and roll in catnip.  He would let me know  he wanted something and when I asked if it was food, nip (catnip) or water he would respond with a meow.  The wrong offer was met with silence.  When I would bring whatever was wanted he would look at me with love and do that soft eye blink.  My heart would melt when ever I saw it. When it started to get dark I asked him to come in and he would flatten himself against the sidewalk & meow  In a pitiful voice as if to say 5 more minutes mom.  No matter how tired I was he usually talked me into more time. When I asked again he would walk right into the house.  I get so sad thinking about all these things.  I wish I could have more time with him.

Then there were the bad times.  September I got the carpet cleaned.  There is a bed upstairs that I put a plastic cover on because it seemed to be his favorite place to pee when stressed.  Easy to clean & nothing damaged.  Moving the furniture & dashing around caused him to get upset & pee on the bed.  I started to yell at him because I was so busy I didn't need to clean up after him.  He was under the bed as I was cleaning the bed.  I felt a little paw come out and press on top of my bare foot.  I moved and the paw came out again on my foot.  How sweet was that?  Of course I just ignored him when he was trying to say he was sorry.  The rest of you seemed to have very serene relationships with your furry friends.  I expected so much of my little Rizzo and now that he is gone I remember all the fights we had and regret them so much.

I bought a book called "Soul Comfort for Cat Lovers".  These are some of the things in it: 

Our grief over our cats is perfectly normal; we are not alone with these feelings & the worst part will be the first three months

Ignore people who don't get it

We need to embrace & grief and cry when ever we feel the need (not in public)

Have a goodby ceremony even if you are the only one there

Create rituals to honor your cat: light a candle, do a reading that means something to you, speak out loud to your cat

Create an altar for your cat with pictures, a favorite toy or two, his ashes & anything that was important to the two of you

Write your cat a series of letters to your cat

Write a poem for your cat

I hope this information is of use to some of you.  I am going to try some when I get my life caught up a bit.  I am so bad with a camera I don't have that many pictures of him.  Ashed for help posting a picture of him for you guys.  Was going to have a friend who is really good at photos come this summer & do some.  Thought we would have a lot more time together; was in no rush.

Thanks for listening & your support!  I would give all the money in the world to have him back here with me but I know this is just not going to happen.

HuntersDad,

You really went all out to keep your kitty healthy for so long. I can't imagine having to give shots & SubQ fluids everyday.  My little guy did not want his person touched unless it was his idea.  He never liked being picked up, or even oral meds. I even got special liguid to make sure the process was easier.  You got quite a bit of time with him but it is so bitter-sweet when you know they will not get better.  Only had 3 weeks with my boy from the time I had to admit to myself that he waI know what you say about bouncing back as Rizzo did this many times.  My vet also said the same things about eating, using the litter box, etc.  I could have waited a few more days but as he was starting to show signs of pain I thought it was better to go ahead.

I know that everyone can not do this and sometimes there is no time, but having the vet come to your house is such a gift to your cat.  If you're was like mine getting him into a carrier, car & the vet's office was a very traumatic experience for him.  I know your pain at having to watch him have seizures in those last hours.  On another post I explained how I had given my cat a sedative that made him lose body control & very hungry; not sleepy at all.    Watching him flopping around the floor while trying to eat was awful to watch.  After an hour he calmed down just in time for the vet to come.  I wish she would have been late because I did not get to really say goodbye. I brought him right to the den & told her to do it because I didn't want him to be afraid.  Also, did not want to look into his face for fear I could not do it.  Later she said that we should have waited & let him calm down because the first shot really hurt.  I wish she would have said that a the time.  The again, if he struggled to get away that would have been really hard as well.

You said you expected him to stop doing the normal things like eating, etc.  My experience was that this is very stressful on both your kitty & yourself to see them getting steadily worse.  I scheduled the appt twice & backed out when mine was not eating.  Your kitty having been well up until his last day may be a blessing.  The end was hard but at least he did not have to go through days of getting worse.  I think my kitty was experiencing pain for a couple months but not letting me see it and holding on until I was ready.

Read my post above with the suggestions from the book.  Maybe one of them may help you at this time, if you, like me are trying to find anything to ease the ache.  Write more on this site about your kitty and the good times you shared.  Writing & getting other people's stories is help me a great deal.

HuntersDad,

My post left while I was editing so I hope you can understand the middle. Was looking for a way to change after sending but could not find anything.

Misty8723

I am happy you had another 2 years with your Cindy.  Would have given anything for another 2 years.  I was so hoping that my Rizzo had a tumor which could be removed.  He had two ultrasounds, numerous blood/urine test & vet visits; nothing was found.  The specialist vet said that because he was on Prednisone for so long that they may not be able to determine if he had cancer either with a biopsy or the surgery.  They felt that there were no tumors because nothing showed up on the ultrasounds.  I asked if they found cancer in the lining of the stomach or intestines what they would do.  They said they would do chemo & with this type of cancer he would only live 4-6 months.  Because of this I elected not to have the surgery.  I too kept hoping they would find something treatable for him.

Had the very same experience with vets who specialize in at-home euthanasia.  Thankfully, my own vet said if I called her in the morning whatever day we were ready she would come that same day; even if it was on her lunch hour.  She knew how much my little kitty meant to me.  It was good your Cindy got to go peacefully at home with you caring & reassuring her.  This was the first time I had to make this decision and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Oddly, I had a FIP foster kitten this year for 6 months.  She was a little fighter and we both fought so hard to keep her alive; didn't know what she had.  She was intermittently blind, no sense of smell, would not use the litter box and had occasional  neurological problems.  The thing was she had seen different vets 8 times and none of them had noticed anything odd.  I did not notice her blindness because it would come & go.  My vet finally found her blindness after I had her for 3 months.  No vet had ever heard of a kitten who could not smell.  She ate in a strange way putting her whole face in the dish & scraping the food into her month.  She had a brother who was so protective of her. She stabilized & I returned her to the shelter as I could not crack the litter box problem & she had become  afraid of me stalking to use the box.  They were just going to put her up for adoption as a special needs kitten when she relapsed & the vets wanted to put her down immediately.  They said she had FIP & were amazed that she had lived so long.  I am glad I had given her 7 months of life & love but it took so much time away from my kitty I wonder if I should have done this. 

I appreciated reading your story & your support.

So sorry you lost your furrie. I have had to put down 3 of my 5 males in the last two years, and the last one nearly totaled me. I keep seeing them all, every day, especially when I see their places in the house and awfully so when I try to go to sleep without them. And I keep going back to the injection: I can't take my other cats to the vet without an anxiety attack and a lot of tears when I see the place.

I also lost two little kittens three years ago.

We have to try and celebrate the wonderful relationships. A wise woman asked me if I would rather not have had the experience of having had Jonathan, Christopher Thomas and ShakerToy. The answer was, of course, a loud No. So we carry them in our minds and hearts. It's funny - a different kind of grief than for a fellow human, and sharper, in a way. Can't figure that one out. f

I want them back, too, in the worst way.

We know we gave them the best lives they could possibly have had, despite our doubts.

About to cry, off I go. Heart goes out to everyone here.

Thanks Seaturtle!  I am sorry for your losses.  You have been through this many times.  This was my first since childhood & I never had to make this decision before.  It is so hard to have so many memories of them in your homes. Glad you have your two males left to keep your company.  The more I think about the more things I can come up with that I did wrong throughout his life.  In the end we both knew there was no other choice to make.

Riley1, you didn't do anything wrong. You did the absolute best you knew how at the time, and that is always enough. We are never the perfect parent (nor is there that perfect cat who is never annoying, peevish, sometimes a pain in the tail. I am sure you loved your furrie and he loved you back, you gave him a good life and he, you. So rest yourself from blame. There are things I did that I don't like, such as getting annoyed with Christopher Thomas and Jonathan, but we can only take so much cat-misbehavior, too.

I am still seeing CT all over the place, at odd moments here and outside. It's so painful: I know you are going through the same thing, so let us treat ourselves gently and allow the mourning.

Rizzo 

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 Still sobbing for my little guy.  Thought he would want to come back ASAP but as he is having too much fun this will not be happening anytime soon.  I was so lonely I got a little female cat.  The shelter said she was two but my vet said more like one.  Is behaving more like a kitten than cat.  It is good to have someone to come home to but I am comparing the two & she is coming up short. Probably too soon to have gotten another cat.  I am giving her the best care I can & trying not to make the mistakes I did with Rizzo.  I am sure I will come to love her.

R riley1 She's adorable, and you'll surely grow to love her.

I've posted the pictures for you. There are instructions on how to post photos here: How to Add an Image to Your Forum Post

Riley1 I know the feeling. When I went to the shelter and held the kitten that looked just like my Min, I knew I was already "wanting" a connection with Min.
I don't know if I'll ever get another one... but I do know we have to have the frame of mind ..."what can we do for this kitty, rather than what can this kitty do for us" Love on her and I'm guessing she will have something special that your other kitty may not have had... I sure find that with Mikki and Min...both had unique personalities.

Thanks for the pictures & instructions!

@Riley1, Rizzo was quite a handsome and unique cat! I love the markings on his face. I can only imagine how much you miss him. I still miss -- every day -- our cat that we had put to sleep in December 2013: she was a wise and friendly cat, and was very much a part of our lives for the 12 or so years she was with us. It's still very, very hard to think about having to let her go.

I really like what @MnM wrote about "new" cats and finding that something special. Our new cats aren't much like Brooksie was -- they're young and impetuous, kind of like your new kitty -- but they're very funny characters in their own ways. It didn't take me long to get every bit as attached to them as I was to Brooksie... just in different ways. I know this is different for everybody, but for us, adopting the new cats felt like the best way to honor those memories because it gave two kitties a home (our local shelter is always packed) and if it hadn't been for Brooksie being such a great cat, we would never have adopted Edwina and Ireland.

LisaHE said:

 
@Riley1, Rizzo was quite a handsome and unique cat! I love the markings on his face. I can only imagine how much you miss him. I still miss -- every day -- our cat that we had put to sleep in December 2013: she was a wise and friendly cat, and was very much a part of our lives for the 12 or so years she was with us. It's still very, very hard to think about having to let her go.

I really like what @MnM wrote about "new" cats and finding that something special. Our new cats aren't much like Brooksie was -- they're young and impetuous, kind of like your new kitty

-- but they're very funny characters in their own ways. It didn't take me long to get every bit as attached to them as I was to Brooksie... just in different ways. I know this is different for everybody, but for us, adopting the new cats felt like the best way to honor those memories because it gave two kitties a home (our local shelter is always packed) and if it hadn't been for Brooksie being such a great cat, we would never have adopted Edwina and Ireland.

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Thank you!  My Rizzo was my everything and I just loved him so much.  I thought he looked like a living work of art & was so athletic even through he had been declawed.  The new cat is so different but her catness is bringing up memories at times that make me cry.  I guess this would have happened even if I had waited a long time.  Soon it will be the time of the year that we started going outside again.  I had come to hate it because it was just so time consuming but knew how much he enjoyed it.  That pink thing on his collar is a gps in case I needed to find him.  I felt kind of bad adopting her because she would have gotten a home quickly & there are so many that stay at the shelter for months. 

Riley1 said:

 
Thank you!  My Rizzo was my everything and I just loved him so much.  I thought he looked like a living work of art & was so athletic even through he had been declawed.  The new cat is so different but her catness is bringing up memories at times that make me cry.  I guess this would have happened even if I had waited a long time.  Soon it will be the time of the year that we started going outside again.  I had come to hate it because it was just so time consuming but knew how much he enjoyed it.  That pink thing on his collar is a gps in case I needed to find him.  I felt kind of bad adopting her because she would have gotten a home quickly & there are so many that stay at the shelter for months. 

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You shouldn't feel bad about adopting her! The main thing is that she got a home and you're taking great care of her.

It's very true what you say about a new cat's catness bringing up memories of the previous cat -- some things that Edwina and Ireland do remind me of when Brooksie was younger. That actually made me especially happy when we first adopted them because it brought back memories of Brooksie when she was healthy and playful, rather than when she'd been sick. It was (and still is) wonderful to be reminded of that. The new cats have gotten much chattier, too: Brooksie was an incredible chatterbox. I still sometimes joke that Brooksie left a memo for the new cats, giving them advice on how to get the best possible service in our house! They're very successful students.

Enjoy your new kitty and enjoy your memories of Rizzo, sad though that may feel at times. He sounds like he was quite a cat and a wonderful companion.