I just found out my cat is terminally ill and the grief is overwhelming

I got my cat at the age of 7 when he was abandoned by neighbours.  He has been with me for the last 8 years and is now 15.  We have been through thick and thin together, good and bad, over those years.  I know he is quite an elderly gent now and he had a horrible life before I got him, but  I have not wanted to face the fact that he is getting older.

At a routine checkup with the vet last week (he has some thyroid problems that are under control) they found a small lump in his tummy.  An ultrasound and aspiration biopsy show that it is large cell lymphoma.  There is no point putting him through surgery, because the vet says that it will most likely have spread (and the surgery has a very high complication rate at his age).  I could opt for chemo but the vet has again dissuaded us saying that he is probably too elderly and weak to take it.  I don't want his life to become miserable.  It seems like the best option is a corticosteroid treatment, which will let him fade away painlessly. 

He probably has 3-6 months left.  

I just can't cope with this emotionally at all.  

At any time, I would find this hard but I have been challenged by some health problems  of my own over the last 5 years. I am full of drugs that are reducing my emotional as well as my physical resilience. I am 37 and facing the fact that I have probably lost the chance to have children because of these problems.  And now I have to lose my darling little baby kitty on top.  

I have cried for hours every day since I found out.  I just can't imagine what life is going to be like without him there.  He is a very physical cat who always wants cuddles, and I can't deal with the embodied sense of loss, the idea that I'll not be able to hold him soon.  The house is going to be so very bare and empty and lonely without his presence.

I know that I have to go through this.  I know that I will get through it somehow.  I just don't know how I'm going to do it.  And the pain is unbearable.  

I am so very sorry you're going through his.
There may be some helpful links in the Crossing the Bridge forum--helpful during this time now as well as when your cat crosses the bridge.
Also the ASPCA has a free grief counseling service for owners who are facing possible euthanasia. Highly recommended.

I am so sorry I had a similar situation with my cat Sam. He had a liver mass the vet could actually feel and he told me there is no hope because it clearly had spread by then. He told me if you wait until he stops eating then you waited too late to say goodbye to him. That was hard but wise advice as Sam gave me so many years of love and I didn't want him to go through any suffering. I took Sam home after that appointment and loved on him for a week and brought him back to the vet to let him go. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be because his last week with me he knew he was loved. He was still eating and still acting normally when I said good bye and that's is what I thought I owed him. Many of us have been there and our hearts are with you during this hard time.

My heart goes out to you, I'll pray (and cry) for you both. I had a cat with cancer that did remarkably well on steroids, it shrunk the tumor and he ran again like a kitten for over a year. I was grateful for that year. I know the agonizing pain, and wouldn't want anyone to suffer through it, but I know you wouldn't want your baby to suffer any more then he has to, so you will have to offer him the greatest act of love you can when the time is there, and release him from his suffering. You gave him 8 wonderful years of love and devotion, and I'm sure he returned your love with his own many times in return. Please know we are here to help in any way we can, it helps to share your sorrow with those that understand what you are going through. Try not to dwell on what is coming, but love him this instant in time, you need each others love and support to get through this together. He leaves you with his legacy of love, and one day he would love to have you share that love with a new little soul who so desperately needs someone to love. Concentrate on the today. I pray you will be blessed for loving him so much to hurt so bad. That you have to start the grieving process early is heartbreaking. Your baby would never want you to be so sad, try to remember the good times and enjoy him while you can. Give him a kiss for me, I send you my hug so that you do not feel alone, take care, both of you!    

I am so sorry.  I have lost three cats in the last four years due to old age and illnesses.  It is heartbreaking.  Spend as much time with your kitty as you can.  Perhaps someday you can open your heart to another.  

I totally understand and am incredibly sorry you are facing this. A lot of us have had to say goodbye to our sweet babies...and it's heartwrenching...however...I remember saying to my husband..gosh I cannot imagine how devastating it will be someday if we lose Mik or Min...as we have babied them so... and they are both such cuddlers with us...we revolve our LIVES around them! He always told me... we have to focus on the life we gave them...the goal we set out to accomplish when we adopted them...to give them the bestest life possible...no matter how many years that is.. it's the love we give them IN THOSE YEARS that will constitute what kind of life they had.. and you know and I know... we did everything ...as well as most people on this board..to give our kitties the best life ever. That is our goal.. we have met our goal, and when we put Min down 4 months ago... although so sad...it was filled with peace that she had the best life possible (hugs) to you as you deal with this..especially it's hard on you due to your health and being alone...I'm so sorry..but please feel free to come here for support...we all understand your pain.

I'm so very sorry. This Thu marks the 1 year since my sweet baby Shizu crossed the rainbow bridge. She had jaw cancer that also was not treatable. We just made her as comfortable as possible & let her eat whatever her little heart desired. She'd often eat an entire bag of treats as a meal! It broke my heart & I still haven't been able to put it back together. We had her for 10 years. All I can do is remember the good times & be grateful that I have 5 other lovely kitties. We're all here for you. 

I have been where you are, and my heart breaks for you.  We lost first Cindy with cancer, and then Darcy with FIP within two months. 

I would like to say, you might want to get a second opinion. I say that not because I think the first  vet might be wrong in their diagnosis, but because when we first found the cancer in Cindy (and didn''t know what kind yet ) a vet told us not to "put her through" surgery, just take her home and make her comfortable, probably 3 months. But another vet told us that she was a good candidate for surgery and chemo.  We opted for that path, and she lived nearly 2 more years, good quality of life.  It was only the last few days where she went downhill quickly and we had her on pain medicine. 

In any case, there are no words anyone can say that will ease the pain you're feeling.  I'm told it does get better, and I guess it does, but I still cry.   and prayers.

shovetheholly I'm so sorry for the diagnosis.

I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to ask - how is your kitty otherwise? (You didn't tell us his name. :heart2: ). Is he happy? Eating? Does he play at all?

Of course palliative care is a choice many make for many reasons. But I'd like to provide a different perspective, I hope you don't mind?

First, many people have misconceptions about treatment. Yes, for our schedules it is a PIA. And with the standard CHOP treatment for large cell, some of the drugs can be a little rough, and they do feel a little under-the-weather for a few days after a treatment (usually the last one of the cycle, adriamycin (Doxorubicin)). But with anti-nausea medication (cerenia) and an appetite stimulant (Lazlo did well with mirtazipine, but many prefer cyproheptadine), they often do very, very well throughout the treatment course. Treatment in pets is very different than in people. In people, doses given are very toxic, they're hard on the system, because the goal and focus is length of life. In pets, the relative doses are different - it is much less per body weight, because the focus is attempting to kill the cancer while focusing on quality of life. So it's not *as* toxic or hard on them as treating cancer in people.

Of course, we can go through the expense and treatment only for it all to end in heartbreak, because it doesn't put our pet into remission. On the other hand - about 50% of the time it does. My Lazlo had a "massive mass" in his tummy. He was given four weeks to live without treatment. He had bleeding ulcers. Surgery was out, the mass was fused to the stomach lining. This is normal in stomach masses, actually, so that surgery was even mentioned means you caught it early. So I'm very confused as to why your vet proffered such a gloomy outlook. Is there an actual diagnostic reason to suspect the cancer has spread? Is this an oncologist? Or your regular vet?

Before deciding not to pursue any course of treatment, you may want to consider seeing an oncologist, for a more informed opinion about the prognosis. For our Lazlo, we decided we had to at least try. For us, it was worth it. On the 30th, we will celebrate 3 years in remission. Others have not been so lucky, we've seen it go both ways here on TCS. There was someone this past year that had a kitty with large cell lymphoma that underwent chemo and was in his fourth year of remission when the cancer came back - and they were treating it again (I don't know what happened).

Here is the viewpoint on age in pets and cancer treatment by an oncologist. For this specialist, age itself is not a factor. :heart2: http://www.petmd.com/blogs/thedaily...can-dog-be-too-old-for-cancer-treatment-29780

Whatever you decide, whatever you do, my thoughts go with you and your boy.

I am so so so so so sorry. I am so sorry that you and your baby are going through this. I know what it's like to lose a love of your life pet like this - I lost the cat who had been my most constant companion throughout my entire adult life last year - and I might understand a little about some of your other sorrows, too.

If you are in the US or Canada (not sure about the availability elsewhere in the world), I really really really recommend that you call the ASPCA grief hotline. The number is 877/GRIEF-10. I have called this number myself and I spoke to a truly wise, compassionate person. I was shocked at how helpful it was - to be honest, I really just kind of wanted to talk to someone about Puck and felt like I was nearing the limit on how much I could do so with my friends and family. But I came away from it feeling like I was so much better equipped to deal with my sadness. I'm not sure how many people staff this hotline, but the woman I spoke to was so patient and kind and insightful. They can help you through this. Please call them - this is exactly what they're there for.

ETA: here's the link for the hotline: https://www.aspca.org/pet-care/pet-loss

I am so very sorry.  Try to enjoy the time you have left and as you go through this you can say whatever you want here.  Many people have kept a running dialogue going here as they go through this and there are people here who understand.

Have you thought of getting another cat or kitten before he passes?

I picked out my last dogs before my old dogs passed. It was much easier to bond with the new puppies. Last year I lost one of my dogs very suddenly and without warning. I picked out a puppy but could not bond to her at all. I could barely look at her. It's been a year but I'm not bonded with her at all. My mom won't let me give her away as she loves the puppy, but I'm unhappy as we haven't bonded. I don't like the puppy and I'm sure it would have been easier if I wasn't missing my previous dog so much.

After I lost my cat, my friend said, "well, Reba, when we get them we know that we'll outlive them."  Seemed kind of harsh at the time, but unfortunately it's true and often the timing couldn't be worse.  I'm so sorry that you're facing other challenges in addition to your cats illness.  Plus, I know how much more special it feels when you save them from what you know was a horrible life and they so appreciate it.  And you should be thinking about that and letting your sadness overwhelm you - you have every reason and there is, as you can see already, lots of support here from wonderful people.   Take care and sending thoughts and prayers your way.

Sarah Ann said:

Have you thought of getting another cat or kitten before he passes?

I picked out my last dogs before my old dogs passed. It was much easier to bond with the new puppies. Last year I lost one of my dogs very suddenly and without warning. I picked out a puppy but could not bond to her at all. I could barely look at her. It's been a year but I'm not bonded with her at all. My mom won't let me give her away as she loves the puppy, but I'm unhappy as we haven't bonded. I don't like the puppy and I'm sure it would have been easier if I wasn't missing my previous dog so much.

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I never thought it was fair to the sick cat to bring in another pet while they're sick and dying.  I wouldn't have done it to either of my babies who passed, I'd rather have spent the time loving them and tending to them then trying to bond with a new pet.  I had no problem bonding with Darcy after Cindy passed, even though I was missing Cindy.  Now I'm missing both Cindy and Darcy, but I think the right cat I will bond with just fine. 

If I were in your situation I would try to treat it with the steroids and see how that goes.  I would give him as much time as possible, keeping an eye out for when he has made a turn for the worse.  For example, if he doesn't want to eat.  There are other signs too.  But you have to be strong to see the signs and not intentionally look the other way.  Also, look online for a traveling vet to do the euthanasia.  Cats are happiest at home and avoiding the stress they go through when going to the vet is a kind gesture on your part.  He should be as comfortable as possible, and you should be able to hold him in a familiar place, when the time comes.

It was commented on earlier, and it is true:  you go into having a pet with the understanding that you will outlive it; in fact your pet would be worse off if you died first.  15 is a long life - it's like when a human dies at 85, is it really unexpected, or even sad?

I guess it depends on the cat. My old cat loves playing with kittens. Sometimes I think it gives them some happiness before passing. I feel bad my last dog didn't get to meet the puppy as he would have been thrilled. My other dog is grumpy, he doesn't like the puppy, just tolerates her.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. 

I also think that finding a specialist might be a good idea. When a vet gives me a bad news, it makes me feel somewhat better to talk to other vets or experts, and other cat owners who have gone through this. A specialist may be able to give you more information and options and you may be able to feel more comfortable that you are making right decisions for your kitty. 

I am very sorry about your baby. The decisions made near the end of our pet's lives are so, so hard. I hope some of the resources posted on here will help you.

Everyone deals with grief differently. Being an "artist", when my rabbit was put down, I felt compelled to make something. I wrote a special poem about him, I found a plastic rabbit statue and repainted it to look like him as a little tribute to him, and I painted a picture of him to hang in my room. When my brother's cat was put down, he gathered all the pictures we had of Sassy, chose several special ones, and printed them in big sizes and hung them in an area of our den. I did some artwork of her. I still need to draw the comic I wanted to do with her in it, lol! I dunno, I feel like if I make something of them, then they'll always be with me in a way and I won't forget about them.

I was shocked by how empty I felt when my brother put his cat down. I think some kind of motherly instinct was being fulfilled by cuddling/playing with his cat, and when she was suddenly gone, I was just so... lonely. Out of respect for him, I waited a little over half a year, and then I adopted Belle. She wasn't to replace Sassy, but she was needed to fill the hole that Sassy left. Getting to care for something, see that little face getting into trouble, was just what I needed.

I hope that you find exactly what you need. <3

Thank you all so very much for the kind words, thoughts, hugs and advice.  My cat is called Apollo, but I mostly call him Polly.  It leads to a few raised eyebrows sometimes!!

I am seeing the vet tomorrow and will run through the options with him again.  He is a local vet, but I live in a big city and it is one of those centres where they do a lot of surgery and treatments on site. I will ask him again about the chemo, but his view in our last conversation was that my Pol is not up to it and that it wouldn't be kind to try.  He is 15 and has a thyroid problem and is a bit arthritic  and this is a factor because I don't want to put him through something brutal if it wouldn't give him much extra time.

My big fear is that he will suffer.  I want his last weeks to be the happiest possible.  I went out today and bought loads of great food for him to have and lots of treats.

I am prepared for the final decision.  The moment I feel he is in pain or doing badly, I know what I have to do.  I just don't know how I'm going to cope when he is gone.  

Very, very sorry for your pain. I know all too well how difficult this time can be. After 13 wonderful years we lost our beloved girl Joey about two months ago to sarcoma. (Very aggressive cancerous tumor.) From the time I discovered the tumor the emotions were hard to control. 

I agree with CanCanKant's sentiments: treasure the remaining time with her. We spent as much time as we could with her, and did everything to make her last weeks as pleasant as possible. And like you picking up treats for Polly, there were some things she loved that we rarely gave her (ranch dressing and vanilla ice cream...man she loved to sneak licks when we weren't paying attention!) but we indulged her in the end. 

And it may sound silly, but we would also talk with her, and tell her the stories of our favorite times with her. We didn't want her picking up too much on how much we were hurting. I do believe that despite the physical discomfort she had at the end, she appreciated the love and affection. We slept in many weekends, with her snuggling happily between me and my wife. That seemed to be her favorite time, with both of us in bed.

The loss of a pet is so traumatic. I agree with your statement that you will know when the time is right if you sense the pain in him. We could tell when Joey's physical discomfort was getting to be too much. And the alternative (amputation of the entire leg, followed by chemo, with an average life expectancy of 19 months at best) was not an acceptable way for her to live out the rest of her life. 

Hang in there, and do your best to remember all the joy that Polly has brought into your life. That really helped me cope.