240 days in a row he has been in my thoughts

My boy Back died exactly 8 months ago, Mothers Day 2014.  Not a single day has gone by since then where I haven't thought of him, been sad, even had tears in my eyes.  He was not the first cat I lost.  The first one was in March 2010, and though it took time, I eventually stopped thinking about him on a daily basis.  Largely, this was because I accepted that at age 14 and with advanced hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, he was an old man whose life had come to an end -- it happens to everyone whether you are a cat, a human, or any other living creature.

But with Back it was different.  In all likelihood, though certainly not intentional, I caused him to go into (fright-induced) cardiac arrest by putting him into the cat carrier while he was dealing with a hairball.  He was normally *terrified* of the carrier and would wail and groan in fear while in it for any reason.  This was the first time he was put into it while in distress and he absolutely freaked out the moment I put him in it, then went into the usual wailing and moaning about being in the carrier, but then became quiet after few minutes (normally the wailing and moaning continued all the way to the vet and while in the waiting room).  When I called his name he whimpered like a little dog, then started having trouble breathing.  He died on the way to the vet, was resuscitated via CPR and then intubated because he was unresponsive, then some minutes later fell back into cardiac arrest and could not be revived. 

Ultrasound while he was alive showed a completely normal heart; ECG showed normal sinus rhythm, and post-mortem x-rays showed no fluid build-up which you see with cardiomyopathy and there was no internal bleeding.  The vet noted severe dehydration, but there was nothing that would have itself caused acute cardiac arrest.  In essence, because of dehydration and constricted blood vessels to increase blood pressure, the sudden fear he experienced overwhelmed his heart or caused a cerebral aneurysm.

I could have just waited for him to spit up the hairball.  How was I supposed to know he would die because I didn't wait 30 seconds?

8 months x 30 days = 240 days in a row that he has been on my mind.

I feel for you big time because I know the turmoil you are going through. It's not your fault. It really isn't. You have been going through a living hell. But it's not your fault. You have to go and see a professional and perhaps get you something to calm down? That could create a whole new bunh of issues however. But u can't continue to have such turmoil.

God bless you.

Your story made me tear up.

I'm very sorry about your loss. Though, please don't blame yourself. You took him to the vet not to make things worse, but to help him and to take care of him. You have thought of him ever since, showing you truly loved him and never meant harm to him. Cherish the time you have had with him and know that in that time he had a wonderful happy life with someone who loved him and cared about him. You can't give your cat any more than that.

May Back Rest in Peace, and lots of strenght to you, I hope it'll get easier over time 

 

Thanks.  It took a good month for me to be 100% functional again, and it doesn't interfere with life for me so I don't need "help", but the guilt isn't something I can let go of.  As his caretaker, parent, friend, whatever label you put on it, I screwed up, and he paid for it with his life.  Not that it changes anything, but to make sure this never happens to another cat, I "cat carrier train" the one I adopted in August (Back's friend, whom I have had for eight years since he and Back were both kittens, is very chill and isn't bothered by the cat carrier).  I put the new one in it for a few minutes, go to the car, come back in the house, make him get used to it and realize it isn't a bad thing.

I know about the horrible guilt that seems to be ever present, my precious Chrissy followed me onto a street and I didn't know she was behind me. I can honestly say that was the most horrible experience of my life, and I definitely know how the guilt can crush your spirit. I went through a year of daily tears, I still cry when I allow myself to relive that day, I know we would do anything to relive that time in our lives, but we can't and now must live with our pain. None of us would ever purposely hurt our little ones, the deaths are a horrible accident and we truly had no way of knowing what would happen. I know we shouldn't relive all the should haves, would haves, it doesn't change what happened, but it is hard to accept something that leaves such a gaping hole in our lives. Go ahead and cry, it releaves some of the heartache, it also helps to open up to people who understand what you are going through, like a festering wound that needs to drain. The healing process takes a long time, and the steps we gain can be lost in a moment, but eventually we will heal enough to open our hearts once again to another precious baby who needs us, and will help us love again. Take care.......

I'm very sorry for your sudden loss of Back. There's no way you could have foreseen what happened and no reason for you to be wracked with guilt, but it's understandable that he's always on your mind. RIP, Back.

cataan said:

 
Not that it changes anything, but to make sure this never happens to another cat, I "cat carrier train" the one I adopted in August (Back's friend, whom I have had for eight years since he and Back were both kittens, is very chill and isn't bothered by the cat carrier).  I put the new one in it for a few minutes, go to the car, come back in the house, make him get used to it and realize it isn't a bad thing.

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I know how you feel about what happened but maybe it will help others who can learn from your experience.   I know stress is bad for cats but I never thought of the consequences of stressing them in a cat carrier.  I have 2 cats that easily walk into the carrier on their own and only start wailing once the car starts moving - I guess they get motion sickness.   But one cat who is high-strung will claw me to death and yowl before even getting into the carrier.    I think your idea of getting them used to it while young is a good one.   

I had a bad experience with a carrier also. The last day of my boys life, the cat carrier seemed to just set things off. I got the vets one which only opened from the front. Had only one opening and my boy wouldn't come out. They asked me to leave the room when they were going to examine him and to get him out they traumatised him by shaking the cage or grabbing him hard. He was very tense when I came back in the room. Seeing him tense made me tense. It just set me off and I didn't act the way I would have had he been relaxed and I been relaxed. Had they had a cage with multiple openings or one that could open from the top things would have been smooth sailing. I mention this because like you. I've got bad memories and experiences with a carrier and our babies last moments were affected by this. I also have a tremendous amount of guilt.


You're not alone.

Something else I've been doing is leaving the carrier out in the open for them to go into on their own.  In fact, as I type this, Patches just walked into it, turned around twice, and settled down to chill for a while.  Granted, it's not the same as being put into it, but every bit helps.  I do think it's important to, in a sense, practice getting used to the carrier by actually putting them into it, walking around with the cage, even going on a short drive.  I wish I had done that with Back because it terrified him so much.  He might have been an extreme case, since a casual knock on the neighbor's door would send him into hiding for 8 hours under my dresser (which means I should have been even more concerned with adapting him to the carrier).  Cats can be quite fragile.