Did I make the wrong choice? (long)

[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings></xml><![endif][if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings></xml><![endif]

I’m sorry if this reads weird(English is not my native language). I want to start this by sayin that I have had cats around me all my life, and have always been told how great I am at getting shy kittens out of their shell – some of them feral cats I used to ‘tame’ when I was a child.

Because of this it doesn’t feel like home unless there is a cat around. Upon moving away from home I just bought a 14 week old Russian Blue kitten two days ago. I have named him Ziggy Stardust. I think he is very beautiful and adorable and all, but he is so skittish it is beginning to worry me. I know how normal it is for a cat to run and hide for days or even weeks when arriving in a new home. But Ziggy is so shy he cannot handle me being around at all, he runs and hides if I make even the lowest sound(except my voice) and I have yet to hear him purr. He still runs around crying after his family, so often and loud in fact, that I haven’t been able to sleep properly since his arrival(I live on 2 nd floor and the walls are paper thin and I really hate doing this to my neighbours).  He does not really like to play – even when he is not scared it is very hard to get him to chase anything, though he does seem to enjoy the show from a distance(the show of me desperately catering to him). The only thing I can imagine has affected him is that I have a severe case of the flu – I cough and sneeze and have to use the bathroom quite often, where he permanently hides. He is terrified of the toilet, the shower, everything.

I already had my doubts when I visited the breeder(I did my research – this person is a very respectable breeder who has won many prices). At the beginning, the cats refused to get out to play for the first half hour or so. My kitten’s brother did come out eventually, and after 15 minutes, his sociable personality shined through. Ziggy remained shy and uninterested in playing – I noticed that when the owner raised her hand, he fearfully ran away. The breeder could clearly tell that I was a bit disappointed and assured me that when she was alone with them, there was no big differences in the kitten’s personalities. By mistake the breeder chose the wrong kitten to put in my carrier so I was, of course, relaxed to see how calm it suddenly seemed(the breeder did have to ‘catch’ it a bit violently and not pick it up calmly, which made me wonder if they were used to being handled at all). When she put the right kitten in the carrier it immediately started scratching and meowing.

Now, I did choose a Russian Blue because of it’s independence. I am aware of its reputation of being a scaredy cat, and it’s fearful serious face is actually very cute and really brings out my protective side. I suffer from social phobia and is high strung, so I do relate.  He really is beautiful. I also like the idea itself of a cat being difficult(I originally wanted an Abyssinian or a Bengal cat, but I can only keep one kitten where I live, and they would need too much attention as single cats).

I am not sure, however, that Ziggy would be able to handle my lifestyle. I know Russians are shy, but I think this is ridiculous, and the fact that the brother was so outgoing proves that it must be temperamental, so I am not sure I will be able to help him. I am not a social person, but I am active and perhaps a bit spontaneous and I will probably get a boyfriend and friends will come to visit and even have sleepovers. I may also have to travel with him when on holidays. I’m bitter, perhaps, that his brother was already reserved for some other people, since I’m sure he would have been way more flexible. Still, his brother was bought by an entire family – I’m not sure my kitten would survive.

I’m thinking of returning the kitten, what do you think?

Oh, and as I was writing this, Ziggy has just now started acting a bit more comfortable in his environment. He still runs around screaming for his parents like a madcat and he does not accept me reaching out for him at all, (despite – sometimes, rarely - eating out of my hand when I give him treats) but he at least walked around next to me, has jumped up and down tables(I think he is going to break his first object tonight!) and seemed interested in me for a few seconds.

It has only been two days and he is still awfully young. I think 99% of this is just him wondering where everyone went and figuring out who you are. Pretty scary for a kitten. It looks like he is getting used to you now just give him more time.

Hi and welcome!!

Well, I hate to say this but it is on the breeder here.

She may have won prizes, but that is for color, etc. not for how social they are unfortunately.

This fear is due to a total lack of human interactions started very young.

It's essentially like taking a feral kitty and taming it.

A small amt of fear happens with new surroundings and new person caring for them, as well as the loss of parents/siblings, but what you are describing is pure lack of social interacting with the breeder.

Sad but true.

In time your kitten will learn to trust and rely on you, will relax enough to play and all the normal kitten things, but it's further down the road.

You will have to take it slow, allowing him time to adapt and gain trust and feel safe.

If it doesn't improve a decent amount soon, I will suggest another approach, but let's see how he does in this next week.

This was one of my concerns. I have read many places how important it is for kittens to be socialized from an early age, and that an unsocialized cat will never be as interactive, playful and affectionate as the cat I've always wanted. Some of the 'damage' will be permanent, right?

I feel stupid for having paid so many money for a pedigree cat, when it obviously didn't give me any of the 'guarantees' I thought it would.

I can still return it for 10 more days, so I'll give it more time as both of you suggested. This may sound cynical but I paid a lot of money for this cat, and I can't accept any less than what I expected

Something to consider. Find a strong sturdy box that will be about the same size as your kitten is when curled -up. Nothing fancy, no paper or material just a box. Leave it in kitty's view and back away. Let this be kitty only box. Never coach kitty to retreat to this place. Never lure kitty to this place. Let kitty decide to make the box a comfort zone. Showing signs of bewildering might suggest there is no place to cave-in. Hope things improve.

Assul, Ziggy is almost constantly hiding in a 'warm closet'(I dont know the American Word, but a closet where all the pipes from water is) but I have cut a hole in a box and put it in there as well so he could feel safer. So far, the only differences from yesterday is that he is now yowling instead of meowing and he occassionally hisses at me

I wouldn't take him back but I'd talk to the breeder and tell them the issues with the kitten and ask for part of your money back. It does look like you are having to go through the taming process. The kittys I have done this with have tended to be the most loving though. Don't give up!!

Thank you all for being so helpful, I really appreciate the advice. Hexiesfriend, it makes me hopeful to know that taming a cat completely can actually be done. You wouldn't know considering what I have read elsewhere. I will only give it 12 days to make enough progress, though. I want it to become a a lap cat that greets me by the door someday, not just some aloof cat that can't purr and who has special needs

Of course I understand but some cats never have the personality to be lap cats and greet you at the front door no matter where they come from, what breed they are or how much you paid. I have had cats for 26 years now all but 3 have been strays and ferals off the street and only 1 has ever greeted me at the door and sat in my lap for longer than 5 minutes. Mine sleep next to me, come when I call them and sit next to me and that is a lot to have with a cat. As far as the purring is concerned that will come when the cat is comfortable. Hope you get what you are hoping with the cat you have and don't have to return him. Keep us posted.

Most russian blues do - I think burmese cats tends to be lap cats as well.

I guess I have been lucky in terms of what I have wanted in previous non-pedigree cats, since most of them has been very affectionate - I was also quite specific in what I wanted in a cat when I first spoke to the breeder

I think Ziggy suffers from compulsive licking. He is not a very aggressive cat at all - he licks the toys instead of biting them, and when he accepts petting, he starts licking my fingers and himself. Since he also licks his toys and prefers running away instead of scratching, I am not so sure this is a sign of friendliness. Maybe I am moving forward too fast. He is easy to read but very inconsistent. Sometimes he is comfortable, yawning and so on - other times he is very tense.

A great thing about him is that he understands very well when I try to imitate cat body language, and he mirrors me. Most cats I've known responds well to humans who imitate cats, but Ziggy is the most responsive cat I have ever owned.

Maybe this is reserved for another thread, but how forward should one be when taming a kitten? The 'feral' ones I used to tame were easy because they were so hungry all the time, but Ziggy is not so easily swayed. He is capable of eating in front of me and off of my hand, so I guess the next stage would be petting/playing

Adopted children and kittens have at least one thing in common, they are not born into the world with jobs.   And it sounds like Ziggy Stardust has quite the job description - he's supposed to greet you in a certain way, travel if necessary and be social with your friends. 

It sounds like you are entering a different stage in your life .   You want to travel, work out your social life, start a relationship, get used to living on your own.  What if your future boyfriend has a great place and you find you want to stay there all the time.  Do you really want to be worrying about being home for the cat, or packing up the cat and dragging it over there, or having to go home because the cat has been alone for 12 hours, or (likely) finding out the cat can't travel, or can't get along with your boyfriends pets, or that you can't go away for the weekend with your friends because there's noone to watch the cat ...

Getting a cat at this point is probably something you should seriously revisit.  There are times when you should enjoy other people's children rather than having your own, and there are times when you should enjoy other people's pets.

As I said at the start, a kitten can't have a job, it is who it is.  It's setting yourself up for failure to think otherwise.  When you have 100% of the power over another living being you need to step lightly when making decisions about it's fate.  You can always see about getting pets in a year when you have a better idea of what life on your own entails. 

The kitten does not have 'a job'. But it is supposed to fit into my lifestyle, and I doubted that I had chosen the right kitten despite my very thourough research and reassurance form the breeder. He is not supposed to greet me in a certain way, but I want a cat that is social enough to at least greet me. He is not supposed to be social with friends, but he is supposed to be able to handle visitors - not as in showing off in front of my friend, but as in not having a mental breakdown.

Most people who own cats have a life - I don't think I will spend the remains of my youth like some teenage Lindsay Lohan, but with a cat that lives for 15 years, there will be changes. I suffer from social phobia and don't know how to make anything other than superficial friends - I will admit, I have honestly no idea what my life would look like without a crippling anxiety disorder. But I'm not sure it matters if I'm 20 or 40.

Most people who choose a certain breed have also done so for a reason that may be beyond looks. And those reasons will always be selfish, and there will always be expectations . If a person's favourite cat thing to do is to talk with them, are they supposed to not be dissappointed if they end up with a siamese that doesn't meow?

If I sound angry, it is not because I don't understand your concerns. I know what it looks like from the outside. I was just so hellbent on getting that cat - I ate bad food for half a year in order to afford it, I bought supplies and got everything ready for months in advance because I thought it would soothe my impatience(it didn't) and I reserved it before it was even born. I visited many breeders... I really thought she was the best. I visited another breeder before that, and the kittens were only 8 weeks - but perfectly happy about being handled and whatnot.

I't's not that I don't already love the cat. I'm just scared of it not working out and I feel weird about buying what was supposed to be one of the most well-behaved cat breeds, and suddenly ending up with a 'feral' cat

Don't lose hope yet you have a few more days to make a decision.

As much as I hate to say this due to this kitten's uncertain future, I have a feeling this kitty is never going to be quite what you were wanting in a cat.

At his age now, becoming tame is likely with time and effort, however he will always have a streak in him and will likely always hide when new people come over, or when you vaccuum (although many cats are afraid of the vac) and many other instinctual reactions in day to day life.

His mental mindset is fear of socializing, and despite him becoming more comfortable with you, there will be things that will occur that his fearful mindset will trigger and he will react by hiding.

For HIS own good I hope you keep him, but for YOUR desires for the ideal cat for you and your life, I'm not so sure keeping him will be best for you.

In a way, with you having social anxieties, you two are alot similar.

It would be wonderful if, rather than returning him you were able to understand him and grow a bond with him.

Whatever you decide I wish you luck and hope for the best all around.

hexiesfriend,


I will wait a week before making a final decision



catwoman707, I also fear that giving him up would mean either killing him(because people don't want older kittens) or at least make his life a whole lot more miserable than it needed to be, had the breeder had time to find another more suitable owner. I feel like crying just by thinking about it.



I think it is kinda funny that me and Ziggy are very similar in temperament. Part of getting a cat was to make my home even more of a safe haven - having a cat to pet after a stressful day would really help, I thought. Now I'm not so sure. They do seem to cause a lot of hassle. I guess I objectively understood(changing the litter box, make sure to keep it activated, vet bills, etc) but had not considered the psychological impact. I worry a lot, I feel miserable - so does Ziggy.

Ziggy I once adopted a dog from a shelter shortly after we bought our first home.  My husband was away a lot and I thought it would be the perfect solution - I would feel safe, we would be buddies, I could walk the dog and meet new people in the neighborhood, etc. etc. 

So we went to the shelter and picked out a dog and by the end of the weekend I knew I had done the wrong thing.  Every time I looked at the dog I felt a combination of anxiety and misery.   I really didn't count on how much I felt burdened by the demands of taking care of it.  On top of this, it didn't act the way I wanted it to -  it was extremely fearful.  It couldn't walk on a leash.  It whined and whimpered every time I was out of sight.

I felt trapped because I wanted to take the dog back, but I was terrified it would be euthanized.  Eventually my husband insisted on it because I wouldn't stop crying. 

I'm telling you this story because, while changing one's mind is not ideal, I don't think it's uncommon.  Adopters change their minds for all sorts of reasons.  There's no way to really know how you'll feel about adopting a pet until you get it home.  That's just the way it is.

And saying it's the wrong time now isn't a permanent decision - you may find a pet fits in perfectly in your life somewhere down the road. 

And I wouldn't worry too much about the kitten being adoptable, people love kittens, younger kittens, older kittens, teenager kittens, you name it - they'll adopt them.  

As someone who is the adoptions director at a vet clinic/rescue... I can give some input on this situation from the other point of view.  People almost always have unrealistic expectations when adopting a pet.  It's not like you can put in their wish list in a computer somewhere and out pops your perfect pet.  It doesn't work that way.  And often, with animals that have been mistreated or abused, it can be a struggle and there are going to be tears and frustration.... Just imagine how the animal feels.  It is scared and with someone it does not know or trust yet. 

This is why I am glad I work for a rescue.  It's a process because we want to insure that our animals go to the RIGHT home and not with someone who has unrealistic expectations and will return it.  I interview them thoroughly and then do house checks.  Plus we call their landlord (if they have one) to make sure they can even have a pet.  I check references and I check other rescues and shelters to make sure they don't have a negative history with them.  It's very time consuming, but worth it. 

Shelters do not have this option.  They are overrun and trying to make room for more that cannot possibly fit each day.  Cats do not have long.  3 days at most.  When you add to the trauma of a shelter to a cat or dogs psyche, it only makes their anxiety even worse.  People never think about the animals psychological well being and what they are going through and that they need time to adjust and learn to know you.  They've been through A LOT.  All people know is that their perfect pet didn't happen and they are upset. 

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but I am letting you know that the animal has been through a lot and it may be "damaged."  But it deserves a chance to really be understood and loved for once.  A lot of them have been thrown away by people in the past and do not trust or know how to express it.  But they learn in time. 

As for the breeder, well... They sound very shady to me.  It sounds like you were taken by a mill.  Which means your cats mentality is much like that of a shelter, maybe even worse.  It can be possible with time, that the kitty will come to love you.  It will not be an over night fix by any means.  But if you do take it to a shelter, it will only have 3 days at most.  Rescues often do not take directly from people because they need to save their room and resources to save animals from shelters.  It's chances are about 90% that it would be put down.  Just being honest.  If you need to rehome, I would suggest doing so privately.  And making sure it's someone that really understands cats and has realistic expectations, so being very honest about the situation.  You can put ads up in the vet offices or Petco or PetSmart to increase odds of a responsible person. 

Reba said:

I'm telling you this story because, while changing one's mind is not ideal, I don't think it's uncommon.  Adopters change their minds for all sorts of reasons.  There's no way to really know how you'll feel about adopting a pet until you get it home.  That's just the way it is.

And saying it's the wrong time now isn't a permanent decision - you may find a pet fits in perfectly in your life somewhere down the road. 

And I wouldn't worry too much about the kitten being adoptable, people love kittens, younger kittens, older kittens, teenager kittens, you name it - they'll adopt them.

 

Click to expand...

It is definitely not uncommon!

As having a cat rescue group myself and rescuing/adopting out thousands of cats and kittens, we get returns, for all sorts of reasons, despite lengthy screening, it happens.

Cat doesn't get along with other cats in home, a dog at home, the husband even!

Cat is too spunky, cat doesn't play, cat is too aloof, too needy, won't sit on my lap, hides, bullies, whines, drools, you name it. 

Whatever the reason, unless it is someone who has had the cat for some time and finds him/herself having to move away, or another reason they can no longer keep the cat, the bottom line of all these reasons is that the cat is not quite the right fit for that home.

We have the adopter sign a form stating if for any reason they are unable to care for the cat that they will return it to us.

Anytime we have a return we are fine with that because it simply means it was not right for the cat either, we care about every one of them, and are always willing to wait for the right home to come along.

Honestly I don't believe your kitten is emotionally damaged as so many from shelters can be, I believe yours is due to a lack of interacting and socialization started at a young age.

For kittens, I know that certain fosters of mine will always produce VERY social kittens for adoptions because they have kids, other cats and dogs in the home, so they were handled alot and exposed to dogs and other cats early on, these are the ones who, while at adoptions and when people walk past, they reach out to them and say "HI!", rather than act hidey while there. They also get adopted much faster.. 

The difference between these foster homes and another where there is just one person in the home, works during the day, and can only spend a short amt of time with them,  are the foster homes I prefer to send adult cats with to foster, rather than kittens, as social interactions are critical at an early age and will determine how social, outgoing and confident the cat will be throughout it's life.

Some, but not all of course, breeders unfortunately do not take this into consideration, it's all about blood lines and looks. It's a money making operation rather than a voluntary, non paying, time consuming job from our hearts.

Caring about spending time and handling kittens is not considered, which is surely the type of breeder you got your kitten from.

My posts are not to convince you either way, but to help you understand and feel okay about whatever you decide to do.

To add to this, giving it a bit more time for the kitten to adapt might help with deciding. If a full week is no better than day 1 of bringing him home, I would say if you are unhappy then he should be returned, as getting him to come around will likely be a long, slow process. 

I really hope you and Ziggy Stardust can work it out. From reading this thread, I think he could be really good for you, and the two of you could form a very special bond. But I agree with other posters who have suggested that your expectations for this kitten were a little unrealistic.

There are plenty of cats who will greet you, and plenty of cats who will - per your example - vocalize and "talk" with you. Plenty that will curl up on your lap or sleep at your feet or sit next to you on the sofa or hang out happily with company - none of those things are exceptional qualities in a cat, but to pick up even the happiest, most outgoing kitten, with whom you've spent weeks getting to know, and having any of those common personality traits and behaviors I mentioned as a requirement is unrealistic.

A shelter or a breeder's home is an unnatural situation, and the way your cat will behave when it comes home with you is always going to be a gamble. And the way a cat behaves in its first days or weeks with you ultimately can have almost no bearing on how that cat behaves for years to come. I've had a foundling kitten who flipped out entirely if he was not in physical contact with me for even 30 seconds grow into chill, laid back, independent, emotionally healthy animal. I'm currently dealing with a kitten who came to me bold and assertive but who has progressively become more and more anxious as the months progress - she's gone from a girl who thinks nothing of demanding I lay perfectly still so she can nap and wiggle over me for hours, to one who is sometimes terrified if I walk by 10 feet away from her. And I have another who was so shy in the rescue kitten room - it wasn't until I had been there an hour and was getting ready to leave that he timidly snuck up and batted at my elbow before darting away to hide. This guy now feels his rightful place is on my shoulder, and can spend an hour just happily patting my face with his paws. You just can't tell, and so you can't expect a cat to have any particular personality trait immediately upon bringing him home. It's not fair to your kitten, and it's not fair to you.

It's been three days. Of course he's still frightened. I'm not as convinced as others here that he's feral and utterly unsocialized. I think he sounds like he's coming along well; he just needs time and your patience to get his bearings. If he can sense your unhappiness and frustration, that might make the process take longer. The way you describe this kitten, how he watches you and mimics you and responds to you - I think you two will be great together, if you can let him come along at his own pace, and you can provide constant positive regard in return. Let him feel safe around you. And learn from him. I'm a very anxious person myself, and I am learning so much about how to make myself happier as I work to figure out what will make my anxious kitten happier. He already seems to be showing that he's trying to learn what will make you happier. Work together; I think you guys could be perfect for each other.

I am quite overwhelmed by the number of replies I am getting. Thank you so, so much! I love all the different perspectives

Reba, I am sorry I was being snarky before. Your story does sound very similar to mine. I would be very ashamed if I had to return the cat - everyone thought paying that amount of money for a cat was stupid, and I felt like it was one of my 'individual grown up choices'. I especially like the part about not being able to tell what owning a pet really feels like before you suddenly do - makes me feel a tiny bit less of a failure

P3 and The King, part of my perfectionism regarding my cat is that I am an anxious person myself, and if I do something I consider risky, I fret over every single thing that could possibly go wrong. I feel like this is a disaster. Might have something to do with my severe case of the flu, and how my social anxieyt causes major stress each and every time the cat yowls at night. I feel like Ziggy is completely dominating my mood.

A lot of people here are what I would consider 'cat heroines'(I could not find non-comical words for this but please bear with me) - most of you guys have rescued cats before and are very experienced. I never wanted a kitten that was the least a bit traumatized or unsocialized. I know I might have had unrealistic expectations, too.

You are not making me feel worse than I already do. Everything you said, I have thought about myself(except for you being surprisingly thorough with researching future owners vs cats)

Ziggy is making major progress every day. It might be worth it to sell it in private. I wouldn't get my money back, but it would clear my conscience to know where he is going, and it could also give me more time to tell if I can handle him.

catwoman707, you are right, he does not seem to be traumatized. The house was actually full of cats and a dog, but I have no idea how much the breeder actually exposed the kittens, as Ziggy does not know how to purr even when looking very content and purr-like. Weird part is, his brother seemed mildly socialized, though still jumpy. We saw the mother who was in another room, and she was noticeably fat - I don't know a lot about mothers and their kittens, but most of the mothers I have seen have been skinny, so perhaps she was weaned from them at an early age.

I also suspect that the breeder is the 'economical' type. She's probably like some very expensive pedigree kitten mill.

The ironic part is, I visited the kind of ideal breeder you just described. I just couldn't afford the kittens back then and was only seeking information from different breeders about the breed.

Ziggy is good at putting me on an emotional roller coaster on what to decide. And you are probably right. One week is not fair.

flowerdew: all right! After so many people on this thread has suggested this, I'll admit it. My expectations were way too high. But as mentioned before, it is only because I have heard so much about choosing a particular breed of cat = somewhat predictable temperament. Not much conflicting informations on the russian blue cat to be found. Perhaps a bit naive of me, but all those stories about russians playing fetch, following you around the house but having a shy and independent streak were so similar, that I thought I knew what I was getting into.

And yes, maybe similar personalities will work as a benefit in the end - besides being all cat-like I haven't found a single thing that doesn't mirror me. I like the idea of this but am anxious about the succes I've had with him so far. Your words are very encouraging, though.

The reason I think he is unsocialized is his flight when the breeder lifted her hand, that she had to catch him and that he does not purr. As someone else has said, the breeder does seem shady in a lot of things - I ignored this because she has won so many prices and I didn't think a kitty with a bad temper could win anything.

I'll give him a lot more time, then. Perhaps it will work out in the end