Never said goodbye this way, the feeling of something missing is overwhelming.

     I am here to reach out. I guess I dont know what else to do. I feel like at the very least I can write everything out and get our story off my chest. This will be long, so thank you to anyone who reads the whole thing. I cant really talk about all this with my SO because I dont want to further upset him. My boyfriend of 3 years and I had to put one of our cats to sleep on Friday. We have 3 others and a dog, which is very helpful in the healing process. Mogwai, the deceased, was about 13-14 years old. We miss him very much and I know he is not suffering and time will make it easier. I have had many other pets pass away as I had lived on a farm as a child, but never a cat so far, and never a need to euthanize.

     However, I feel so much guilt over making an active choice to end his life. Mogwai had always been overweight since I had known him and kind of had a "shorter" face. He had always had a heavier breathing noise and snored when he slept. Earlier this year I had switched him over to a weight control food. I never would have thought weight loss was a symptom of something else. He would beg for us to turn the bath tap on, he did this sometimes anyway, so just thought he was being more persistent with a behavior of his. A few months ago, his breathing seemed slightly more noisy, but so tiny of a change that I didn't think much of it. The downward spiral was so slow at first. Looking back I feel like I should have known, but his health seemed normal and he was always acting like himself. Now that it is too late I can see all the signs were there so clearly, but at the time I barely remember noticing them at all.

      Then out of nowhere a rapid decline happened. A couple weeks ago his breathing was way noisier, very noticeably this time. His weight seemed to drop so fast, and we could feel his backbones. He would just be laying there sleeping, walking up the hall, being petted or anything small and he would have a loud snorting noise. That's when we noticed the lump in his neck. I made an appointment to the closest vet. He said the lump was right where his thyroid was, so did some bloodwork for hyperthyroid. He did mention the lump was massive for its location. But we had hope, we hoped so bad it was hyperthyroid so we could at least do something. Maybe get a couple more years with our furball? The vet said it was not something he would operate on, that it would be a very dangerous and unlikely surgery due to the location and our cat's age. He gave him a cortisone injection for inflammation and hopefully to start possibly shrinking the lump.

   That night, Mogwai seemed noticeably more comfortable. He was more active, his breathing was way better. I felt like the steroid gave us a false hope. The next day the vet called me with the news - it was not hyperthyroid. It was just an unknown mass. Most likely malignant. Over the weekend the symptoms reared their ugly head again. He probably had cancer. He gave me oral steroids to try to help (prednisone). We only got a couple pills down within two days. They did not seem to be helping and he got very upset for this. He could barely eat at this point. We tried wet food the previous week, but now it would just make him cough and gag and throw up because of the mass being so obstructive. He was drooling blood. His tongue was purple.

   We knew he was in his last days. It was just waiting to either take him to his final vet trip ever, or waking up to finding he had passed on. That's how we hoped it would be. But this was unrealistic. He would not die of his illness peacefully. Friday, on December 26th, my boyfriend made the appointment. Mogwai had so much trouble breathing, he could barely take a couple bites of food before going into a dry-heaving, drooling fit.  The vet we had been seeing said they closed at noon and there was nothing they could do. So we had to go to a different vet. I rushed home from work. Barely 15 minutes and went over. He was never a cat afraid of car rides, so my BF let him wander around my truck cab while I drove. Mogwai was alert. He looked out the window, and watched everything go by. Then we got there. I didn't know what to expect. We hugged our baby and the tears started flowing. Then we went in. I signed the papers. A paper authorizing me to euthanize our beloved cat. My hand shook and I reluctantly signed my cat to his death. I had one more glimmer of false hope, perhaps the new vet would examine Mogwai first and tell us it was miraculously something that could be cured! I felt stupid for thinking such a thing. Our vet was Jamaican I think. Nice guy I guess but not the best with what I would consider comforting. I almost needed to hear some fake condolences from a vet at this point. But he did not.

     No one was in there but us. It was so quiet. The vet just came in and asked how long he had been breathing that way, but not much else. He came right in and gave Mogwai a sedative. We held him on the table  while the vet and tech prepped everything. We only had minutes for the sedative to kick in and we just petted him until he layed his head down. Then the vet came in (he did explain everything his was doing and what to expect while he was doing it), he shaved our cats arm and put the catheter in. Then he put the needle in. He asked us if we were ready. Everything inside of me screamed to say no, that we couldn't go through with it. But we said yes. In seconds it was over. I watched the life drain from his eyes. That was it. Our baby was gone forever.

                  Then the vet said words that echo through my mind. I know it was just a cultural difference, or at least I hope. But asked if the other vet took xrays or anything. Was he suggesting that not everything that could have been done actually wasn't? After it was too late? I think I am just being overly sensitive and that's not what he was implying. Then he proceeded to poke around in our deceased cats mouth  a tongue depressor right in front of us. I know he just wanted to see, I kind of did to. But not sure if it was the most appropriate thing to do. He said the discoloration of the tongue was a bad sign and we did the right thing, that it would have been cruel to let it go on any longer.

        Then we left with our cats body. (chose to do a home burial). I went right home and cried and cried while my BF dug Mogwai's grave. Now its time to cherish our remaining pets. But I feel so bad for what we did. There are key points in this story that made me second guess it. But its too late to change my mind. If anything, I will be taking my others in for check-ups more and hopefully will be more in-tune with any changes in health or behavior.

           Thank you so much to whoever reads/responds. Like I said, I know its long but I had to get it out. Even if its on the internet with people I do not know.

Hi.

Firstly, I am sorry for your loss, I know how it feels to lose a beloved pet so I really sympathize.

You shouldn't feel that bad, for what I read your cat was suffering and you did exactly what it had to be done, nothing more and nothing less, your cat had a wonderful family with plenty of love and lived a long life and passed away on the hands of people who loved him so much he left feeling your love.

I'm sure if he could say something now he would say: Mom don't be sad I left happy because I died in your hands feeling your love until my last breath in this world.

Hi. Well, I don't know. I'll tell you something. This morning is 2.42 am In Australia. New Year's Day. Yesterday I asked god to give me a sign. A sign that my boy is ok. I woke up and said, well thanks god how real are you. How real is the after life. My boy passed away and u don't even give me a sign not had my boy come to visit me. I doubt the afterlife and if god is even real. But as Mentioned it's the early hours of January 1 2015 and I find myself on here. Still in grief for my baby boy who passed away on the 10 th of July. And I read your post. Here it goes.

I see in the title it says you had a hard time letting your cat get put to sleep. I read that and that's exactly the way I feel. Before I even read your post and title I was thinking to myself how I'm still hurt, I still regret it and how I lost my boy and I blame myself. I don't think it was his time yet I made it his time. He was 15.5 years old. I'm angry at my friend who said to me the way I thibking hasn't got me anyehere. Well I wonder how he would feel if I said that to him if his family member had died. Anyway my boy had a massive lump in his throat, that couldn't be operated on. We gave him cortisone.. After the second shot of cortisone a week later he went downhill so fast I puyhim to sleep 4 days after that. IMO, the cortisone led to his downfall as it changed his behavior so fast it made him sluggish, not eat, hide, quiet, lethargic etc. Like you I regret putting him to sleep. The day I did, his side just split open. Like someone had slashed him with a knife. It was the cortisone which shut down his immune system and made his cancer spread viciously. But while he had this big wound, he was still grooming himself right at that moment. He jumped on to the window siill. He jumped off it in fear when I lost it hysterically. I promised him I wouldn't put him down on the way to the vet and I broke that promise. I was going to go back and see him while he was conscious but I didn't for I didn't want to put my fear into him. I did go back and see him but he was asleep on the operating table and when the vet did put him to sleep as in euthanizeD I wasn't even there. When I left him at the vet I said to him if this is the last time I see you boy I love you. He let out a scared murmur. That haunted me also. I wrote these things because our circumstances are almost identical. Both our cats had huge lumps, received cortisone ( which I think is very bad ) and both of us regret putting our cats to sleep and think we could have gave them more time. I don't know if god is real or he's given me a sign. But I think it's pretty rare that I wake up on January 1 after going to sleep around 10 last night and I read your post which is an hour old explaining how you regret your decision like me putting your cat to sleep, our cats had huge lumps and they both had cortisone and we both think we could have given them more time.

I can say, if your cat was spewing up blood, you did the right thing. And yes also like you I didn't want to put him to sleep. I still don't know for me it was the right time. I think your cats time was up and you should not be blaming yourself. You say your cat was aware on the way to the vet which makes you second guess like me, it haunts us, but maybe it was both out cats time and it was just meant to be that way as much as it sucks.

Anyway, that's my story. We very much share the same incidents. Kind of freaky I ask god to give me a sign my boy is ok. As mentioned I wake up January 1 and doubt god then 30 minutes to an hour later I read this on here. I hope you have a happy new year, I also want to have a happy new year. It will be tough for you and I have suffered since July but it's a long journey. You did the right thing. Remember you're not alone.

Be thankful you were there until the very end for your cat. You're a good person and a great carer. Your cat loved you dearly.

Rest assured that Mogwai understands and will be waiting for you on the other side, happy and grateful.

I'm so sorry for your loss...I as well have been there.. almost 4 months now...seems like yesterday, but as much as it hurts...it will get easier...and as much as you feel the guilt, that is normal... but I can guarantee you your kitty would thank you if he could Instead of choosing to end his life, you gave him the ultimate gift of love. (hugs) as you go through this grieving process... God bless you for taking him in and giving him the bestest life he could have

I am sorry for your loss. My kitty had something very similar to Mogwai and as rapid as his. There wasn't anything you could have done and we all pray for some miracle to have them turn around. It sounds like you gave him a wonderful life which included making the hard decision of letting him go and not making him suffer. You were with him until the end and he loved you for it I'm sure. It will get easier with time.

Your story really hit home with me.  First let me say how terribly sorry I am for your loss.  I went through a similar situation in Oct. when I had to have my cat put down.  I won't go into all of the sad details again, but I want you to know that others feel your pain and have experienced the after effects of the feelings of guilt.  This site has been a life saver for me after losing my dear Tabby.  I hope that you can find some solace here as well.  It has also been helpful to find out that I am not alone in my feelings, and this is a safe place to "let it out."  You were faced with a decision that no pet owner ever wants to face, but sometimes it is the only kind and loving thing there is left to do.  I have found over the years, and with other pets that this is the hardest decision I have ever had to make, and the decision often comes with a heavy price for us to pay afterwards.  That price is guilt.  The second-guessing and the feelings of guilt are normal reactions to something that is very traumatic.  What you are feeling now will dissipate over time when you can see clearly through the tears and know in your heart that you only eased Mogwai's suffering and showed him the ultimate act of kindness and love.  Only time will help to heal the hole left in your heart, and unfortunately times comes slowly when we are grieving.  But please know that others here share your pain and we are grieving with you.  Hopefully in time we can all began to heal together.  I hope you can find some peace in the New Year.

The guilt always seems to accompany a horrible decision like you had to make, it is a normal part of the grief process, and never gets easier. You gave your precious Mogwai the last act of love you could, it prevented suffering and allowed him to die in peace and in your presence, which meant the world to him even as it broke your heart. We are strangers to you on this site, but let me assure you we are ALL a part of bigger family, the love we all share for our cats binds us together, and in our grief it helps to share our agony with others who understand. The pain is like a wound that festers unless we release the agony and allow ourselves to heal. Of course you made the right decision, any decision made of pure love is the right one. My heart breaks for what you are going through, try to remember the happier times, don't dwell on the bad, your precious baby would never want you to be so sad. Please take care........ RIP beautiful Mogwai, you will live on in the hearts of those who loved you!

I'm very sorry for your loss and the cycle of hope vs. realization that the end was near that you went through. As others have already said, you gave Mogwai the final gift of love, a peaceful passing at the end of a life full of affection. Give yourself time to grieve and accept, and keep in mind that Mogwai lives on in all those memories you have of him.

RIP, Mogwai.

I think the guilt is the hardest part to go through after we loose our furbabies. I still second guess myself even though it's been 19 months. I laid on Abby's spot on the floor for weeks crying and wish I could have a do over. I'm so sorry for your loss and my thoughts and prayers go out to you during this difficult time.

I'm truly sorry for your loss.  As a "people nurse",  I often still can't recognize certain symptoms in my cats.  Sometimes I wish they could talk.  Please don't feel guilty; you did the best you could.  For a cat to have someone love him so much, like Mogwai did, that was a blessing.

Put my Rizzo to sleep yesterday. Never had to do this before.  The guilt you feel is normal - I am feeling it as well.  What could I/you have done differently?  Why didn't I know the small changes in his behavior?  Would it have been different if I had.  As part of the grieving process we will probably need to do this for awhile.   It may help to describe your feeling on this site as time goes on with people who understand.  Know that you did the very best you could for your kitty.  Feeling for you!

aww I'm so sorry Riley1 ...