Monday's Pet Peeve - Husbands and the Wives Who Disparage Them

I've seen some posts directed at husbands. It's not just on here; I post on other boards, too, and it seems that some wives have nothing better to do than ridicule their husbands. They're lazy, they're useless, they don't lift a hand, they do nothing around the house. Well, you know what? That's not true. And I get exasperated when I read posts that automatically assume that men (husbands) do nothing. Nothing could be farther from the truth. While I admit that some men are probably lazy (and I think some wives are, too), not all men are like that. And it frustrates me that some women seem to think it's OK to talk about them like that.

While I am the one who daily scoops the boxes, every Wednesday night, Rick is the one who cleans and scours the litter boxes, outside in the cold even during the winter, using the pressure washer. Then we both dry them out and fill them with fresh litter. 

We both work full time and, yeah, I probably do more of the housework than he does. But he was the one outside, working on the digging and the stoning for the shed back in October, not me. By pick ax and shovel, I might add. And he was the one outside doing the fall clipping and leaf-mulching, more so than me. And while I clipped off the cannas and the other flowering bulbs and tubers, he was the one who had to actually dig them out and store them in the basement. So in the long run, I think responsibility for chores evens out around here. 

I may do most of the laundry, but if he's watching tv and sees me come up the steps with a load of laundry in my arms, he'll come out to the kitchen table and help me fold it and get it put away (unless there's an Eagles game on tv, that is, but even I understand that it's an Eagles game!  ).

After dinner, he'll help me clear the table and he'll dry whatever dishes I have to wash. He usually gets them put away in their proper places, too. (That seems to be a big issue with many wives who insist their husbands are useless....they don't know where to put dishes and such.)

When we were doing the Christmas decorating, Rick was the one who put the tree up and put the lights on it, then we decorated it together. He put the Tacky White Tree up last night, not because he likes it (he actually hates the thing and complains because it really is a pain to put together), but because he knows how much I love it. I asked him yesterday, "Dear, would you please....?" And that was as far as I got. He knew. He gave a long, drawn-out sigh and shook his head. But the tree is in the kitchen.

And it goes on and on. He probably does a better vacuuming than I do. He's not afraid to pick up a dusting cloth. He's not above making dinner some nights, when I have a meeting or am busy with something else.

The men who I grew up around were always very hard workers who supported their families. My father was the hardest working man I've ever known in my life. My brother also worked hard; he's on disability now because of two really bad knees (despite knee replacements). But he was always a very hard worker and after he worked at his job all day, he'd go to my parents' house to mow their lawn, shovel snow, etc. for them when Dad became too sick to handle those chores. And while it may take Dear Richard a while to get started on something, once he starts, he's pretty good. He may not always get it done as soon as I think he should, but he gets it done. He's a good man and he's a hard worker.

So stop. Just stop. Not all men are lazy, worthless people. Not any more than some women are! 

And that's my rant for Monday! 

I have a wonderful husband.
My hubby does some ironing on a Sunday morning, washes the cars, does all the diy, deep cleans the litter boxes outside and we share the cooking and washing up. I do all the cleaning, hovering, changing beds and dusting as I prefer it that way.
What I will say though is that he has difficulty reading my feelings (and showing his) sometimes. He's what I call a man's man, his mother is a very hard woman and she was very strict when bringing him and his two brothers up. She isn't a cuddly mumsy mum and I think that probably has something to do with it but he is who he is.
I know he loves me and would give me the moon if he could reach it!

I forgot to add that he is also a whizz with a sewing machine, he made a lovely bed cover and curtains for the bedroom.

Pam I guess you are one of the lucky ones, not all men are like that.  I am also very lucky, Russ helps me out a lot and we aren't married or living together.  He spends lots of time here tho and does quite a bit around here.

Right now he is outside raking leaves as he is off work today.  I am doing laundry right now.  He is going to help me wrap the vacuum cleaner I got for my sister for Christmas, it's a big heavy box and I can't deal with it alone. 

He knows I have trouble with my legs as you know also but lately my legs are doing pretty well, thank goodness.

Anyway some of us are very lucky and others are not. 

My husband is the hardest worker that I know. Even though he suffered from West Nile, had meningitis and his brain swelled, causing him to take early retirement, he works hard at everything he does. He built and remodeled over 20 houses and even though his poor brain makes it harder now, he's still at it, building himself a workshop now. It may take him longer, but he still figures everything out. He is also one of the nicest human beings I have ever met,he would do (and does) anything for anyone. He does a lot for our elderly relatives too. He helps with the dishes, vacuums, mows, rototills, and builds me lots of stone flower beds. As a huge added bonus, he LOVES our cats! I wouldn't trade him for anything!

My dad and my brother are both very hard workers and they're very diligent to ensure the family is well cared for, the home is clean, and that everything anyone could ever need was addressed. They and my mom and grandparents are my gold standard for diligence, cleanliness, and overall good responsibility. A family of very, very hard, committed workers.

My boyfriend isn't as hard working as they are (not so much because he's actively lazy - weird oxymoron, but because his standards are a lot lower than mine when it comes to things like cleanliness). It can be frustrating to feel like you're doing all the work, but chances are the people who are being talked down are doing their own part outside of what the complainers talk about. My biggest gripe is that things get done 3-4 weeks after I ask, so those are some frustrating 3-4 weeks. I do all the cat things, even though the only cat in the household was his when we moved in together, and I do it because if not, he would do it far less frequently. I ask him of two chores about every month or two partly because one chore is too heavy for me (dumping the litter boxes and taking them out) and because I know it's not his thing, but I still want him to be involved of the care of his own cat!

I see some people post, I hope jokingly, that "when a girlfriend/wife/woman/SO asks you to do something, do it so badly so you're never asked to do it again" (usually cleaning or laundry, of course). What an infuriating way to behave towards your partner! There are plenty of things I'm terrible at, and plenty of things my boyfriend is terrible at, but if we're asked to do something, we still try, or we'll split the task to minimize the lesser's damage.  

Boo at people who overgeneralize a subset of the population.

Hrmm... okay, I'll bite.

Hubby is terrible at housework.  It's not that he's lazy, or doesn't try, he's just not really great at it. 

Now, to be fair, I am coming from the perspective of someone who cleaned houses and offices for 15+ years.  I will not say that my house is perfectly clean, but I sometimes get frustrated with hubby when he doesn't quite get it.

Still, I love him. 

He does do the laundry, take out the garbage, occasionally cooks and cleans dishes, even cleans the floors once in a rare while.  He also helps with the animals meals (we feed raw).  He cleans up the yard or patio when I ask, and braves the roof to put up Christmas lights.

He is my resident Geek, and takes care of all things geek-tech related.

He is smart, and works hard for the money that keeps us housed, warm, and fed.

He is my strong man, and my wise counsel.  He is my comfort and my joy.

I wouldn't trade him for the world.

I work with mostly men, and they complain about their wives too. I alway say "well you picked her" :lol3:

DH is a WAY better housekeeper than I am.  No doubt about it.  Clutter doesn't bother me the way it does him.  He is a go-person too.  He's always doing some kind of project.  He scoops the litter boxes, helps wash dishes, helps with the kids (even diaper duty, but not too much middle of the night duty...I sometimes sleep through things now that they aren't babies).  He works long hours and still makes salads for dinner most nights.  When we have company coming and I need the house extra clean; I can count on him to say "what do you need me to do?"  And he does it.  He is so considerate of me.  When our kids were babies he started taking hte monitor in the mornings since he gets up first.  I'd get a couple hours of undisturbed rest and that made all the difference in how my days went!  He also lets me sleep in on weekends since he is a morning person and I am NOT!   He helps my parents with things at their house.  He helped my step-dad seal his crawl space and clean it up after they had water issues earlier this year.  Then he helped install a dehumidifier.  It was super gross under there.  It hasn't always been quite this way.  We have had to learn to COMMUNICATE; but because we are willing to put pride aside and listen...things are pleasant.

My Grandpa loves when we come.  He's always got a list of projects for DH to do.  He makes me laugh.  He'll say "Boy. He's great.  You don't have to tell him how to do stuff.  He just does it."     My Grandpa is a gem too.  (Both of them were.)  At 86 he hand laid a stone paver patio in his backyard.  At 92 (93 in a few weeks!) he gardens in a raised table top garden my cousin built him.  When he and my Gram were healthy enough to travel they'd come down here and both would putter at my parent's house.  I'd come home to find him having trimmed the trees and mowing the lawn. (This was years ago when I was in school.)  He always involved us kids too.  I learned how to hammer, saw, paint, measure, take pictures, recognize birds, garden, etc from my Grandpa.  (Gram taught me plenty too!)  My other Grandpa was big on community projects.  Especially serving veterans.  Both my Grandpas and my Dad would do anything for whoever asked.  Unfortunately my Dad has found people less than willing to return the favor.  But he's still just giving.  My step-dad is known for being the one people call when they have car issues.  My DH is more house-mechanical than he is; so they help each other.  

I'm guessing that you're seeing negative posts about husbands from wives that are unhappy. There are plenty of unhappily married couples out there, I've met more of them than I'd like. I love my husband, he's my best friend. We don't have set chores or tasks. He does laundry more often though because I hate it with a passion and I cook because he isn't into it. I'd never complain about him online but I think some people have nowhere else to go with their unhappiness.

MoochNNoodles, the point you made about communicating is so true.
In my opinion the key to a good relationship, weather it be with your partner, parents or children is ALL about communication.
How is someone meant to know how you are feeling unless you talk it through? People are not mind readers and at the end of the day nobody is perfect.

I have a great husband. He is always there for me and the kids. He takes care of his mom etc. Still, he doesn't do any housework. No one is perfect. He also is the resident geek and takes care of all the tech stuff.Good thing too as I would not know how to do it. I take care of the animals. That makes sense because while he likes them, if he were not with me he would not get an animal. He was not raised with them and while he knows I will never be without my cats ( and hopefully soon a dog) he doesn't totally get why anyone is so into animals. He accepts it , when we began dating he knew I went to college to study behavior and so he was smart enough to understand who I am and what is important to me.

 I still wish he did housework. He probably wishes I was an auto mechanic.

My ex has been seeing to the litter box for years as I have the bad back.
He always helped in the house. We discussed it before we got married. I I had to work he had to help.
Since I came out of hospital 1-1/2 years ago he more or less does everything. Changes my bedding weekly. Puts my wash into the dryer and then folds it up. Does the dishes and tidies up. I gave a weekly cleaner. He makes sure I eat as I don't often bother. And after all this we have separate bedrooms.
If we were still married i don't think he'd do all this to be honest

Husband here, I can assure everyone that it goes both ways. I hear lots of men disparage their wives. I don't care much for people who say those sorts of things, so I keep my distance from them. A person who feels the need to say things like that about their mate is really telling you more about themselves - and it is not a good commentary. 

A few years ago I had to work closely with a woman who talked nonstop about how terrible her husband was. I tried politely changing the topic, but she always came back to some story about how miserable/lazy/dumb etc her husband was. After three days of it (12 hour shifts no less!) I finally got tired of it. What I should have said was "I feel uncomfortable about discussing how bad your husband is all the time, can we perhaps avoid this topic? Unfortunately what came out was "I am starting to think there is something really wrong with you for A) telling all this to a near stranger and B) staying with such a jerk." She looked like I had slapped her, which in a way, I suppose I did. At least she stopped talking badly about him to me.

I will never be as good at cleaning up around the house as my wife, I don't even know where to start. On cleaning days she tells me what to do and I go do it - I am responsible for half the mess, I am gonna help clean up. When she works a long day, she comes home to a clean cat box, cats fed, bird feeders full, dishes done and put away and dinner started or ready. There is no way I am letting her tired and stressed self come home to yet more to do. If I miss something she doesn't care because she knows where my heart is coming from.

We are in the middle of a renovation on our home. My wife ties her pretty red hair back, puts on old clothes and is right beside me. She can't use a hammer very well, she is afraid of the nail gun and she can't lift an 80 pound bag of concrete. But she hands me the hammer, reloads the nail gun and holds the door for me when I carry the bag of concrete. She can spackle, sand and finish sheetrock, install insulation and paint, polyurethane and caulk with the best of them. I don't get mad if she makes a mistake, she is doing her best.

My wife and I enjoy doing things together. I don't enjoy everything we do together, but even after 25 something years, I enjoy simply being with her. That's why we are together. We are not "lucky" in this, we worked hard for it! 

Just for the men. Really. Women can stop reading right here. Want some intimate time with your wife? Forget the flowers and go do the laundry and clean up the house. Take her shopping at her favorite place and help her pick something out (no sighing, eye rolling or impatience.) Hold the door open for her. Treat her like she is the most special woman in the world, if you don't feel that way - that's your problem buster - you picked her - man up, deal with it and act the part. Do this stuff every day. But don't be a doormat either, pick the restaurant and tell her what dress to wear. Think she is fat? Go get on the scale yourself, are you are fat too? Get on a diet and go to the gym. In time, she will probably follow your lead. After all that stuff: back to the flowers. Take her to a nice park and pick a few for her, when you get home help her find a vase and get a scissor to trim the stems. Don't worry, she will arrange them. 

Eric

Eric, you seem like an absolute sweetie.   And so does your wife. Congratulations to you both on 25 years.

My husband works a lot of hours at a job he is not enjoying with over an hour commute in order to provide for us and keep Abby supplied with treats. :nod:

I do most of the housework. If I need help with something though he will help when I ask. I pay the bills and keep track of the banking. I do the weeding and trimming in all of the gardens. I do all of the errands, scheduling of appointments, etc. He mows the lawn, does the leaves and takes care of the projects that keep popping up around the house that I can't handle. He also scoops the litterbox.

My husband and I have been married 3 years, and through lots of counseling- we are making it. Sadly, I have been guilty at times to put him down. I find this is a fairly good place to vent from time to time, but I have lessened it. Truthfully, when he isn't working- he will spend 5-6 hours a day just surfing social media. Yes, he will help out with housework or repairs, if I mention it numerous times and we fight about it...... I must also say I have found a lot of support on here.

However----

The resolution to that was to hire a cleaning lady. She comes 3 days a week, and that has lessened the tension regarding housework. Since my wreck it is very hard to even walk, let alone get down and clean good. This is hard for me because I have a touch of OCD and he is complete opposite of that. I love him! He goes out of his way to make me comfortable. This generally involves a 2 or 3 AM "wakeup" session, where I need my pain meds and liquid rubbed on the ankles and knee, and usually a small snack so pain meds don't upset my stomach. (I still live in chronic constant pain from my wreck)

About jurisdictions:

In between cleaning lady visits, he handles the kitchen/dishes. I handle the living room/den/office. 

Xena chores vary depending on who is there at the time the box needs scooping, or she needs fed/watered etc. Sometimes he will do the feeding and watering before he leaves for work, other times he has to run out to catch the bus and I do it. I am the one who mostly scoops the litter, but he does the scrubbing and changing weekly outside with hose.

I handle finances, but he knows where we are at all times. He simply hates doing bills, and leaves financial management up to me, which I am good with. He also likes to cook, so he cooks most of our dinners. (Breakfast  & Lunch is generally whatever we grab quickly).

We go grocery shopping , menu planning and budgeting together. He is getting better and better at DIY, he even asked for a cordless drill for Christmas, which I obliged and got him!  I can do the stuff , as in I have the skill and knowledge, but lack the physical ability.

Communication is of utmost importance, and it has been lacking in our relationship which led to the breakdown. However, we are in solid counseling, and things are going much, much better. Also , lots of prayer has helped!

I will say the biggest thing to set us straight, was hiring a housekeeper. It is unbelievable how much she has helped us. She only charges $50 a week!!

Eric, Congrats on being married so long. Sounds like you have a wonderful marriage.

I can't chime in too much on the bashing and disparaging, as my partner (live-in boyfriend/fiancé now!) and I have only been together 2.5 years, only 15 months living together, and haven't really hit a rut or rough patch or "I hate the very sight of you and want to bash your skull in" yet.  I am far more likely to be lazy around the house because (a) I'm just a lazy person  which I'm working on (actually we are working on that together), and (b) because of my job, which I despise, makes me miserable, causes me massive amounts of stress and anxiety, and saps my energy. But, regarding talking about your relationship to others/in public, I have done a lot of learning!

He has taught me a lot about how he would like to be treated simply by living out his principles in everyday life. He's very  private, not in a paranoid way, just in the sense that he doesn't share much with anyone and I'm the only one he's ever let into his world this far. Me, on the other hand   I used to be a "tell all" kind of girl - an "open book" if you will and would tell anyone anything about my life or my feelings or my relationships. With Patrick, he commands my respect for his privacy just by the way he is. Hard to describe but basically I just knew when we got together that this was different, this was not something where I was going to give people a play-by-play about what we said or did, whether the romantic stuff or the tough stuff. It's weird how that happened, but especially at the beginning when all the lovey-dovey stuff was happening, I would be excited to share and then I would think, "Yikes, I think Patrick would be upset if I told my coworker this very private romantic story and word-for-word things that he said to me," and I would choose to tell a shortened, more generic version that protected all the really sweet, private stuff so that just he and I could share it. Over time that has evolved into guarding our conversations and decisions close to our relationship. I think that's a natural and beneficial part of forming a new family unit. This is our house, these are our decisions, we don't require anyone else's input.

There have been times we have had really difficult conversations or I've had intensely negative thoughts about him (which usually have more to do with my anxiety and insecurities rather than faults of his) that I've wanted to call my mom or a girlfriend and cry and scream and vent but I know that I would be feeding them only one side of the story and getting only one-sided advice back. Patrick never  mistreats me. Never yells, never loses patience (which is kinda infuriating haha), never walks away even when I am being a total brat. So even though I would sometimes love to get the satisfaction of having someone else tell me I'm right and he's wrong, ultimately he is too kind, thoughtful, and respectful to me to warrant that kind of treatment. I've definitely shared some  things, especially with my mom. We had difficulty agreeing on when we would get engaged, for example, and there were a lot of misunderstandings, frustration, and some hurt feelings involved with that, which I talked over with my mom a couple times. But that was more me sharing my feelings vs. sharing the content of our conversations, and I tried never to blame him or make him seem like a jerk even during the times I felt he was being a jerk. (He's almost never being a jerk, for the record! But sometimes that's hard to see and/or admit through the high emotions!  ) The one time I did tell a friend about an argument we had, she totally didn't get the situation, gave me AWFUL advice, and I regretted telling her at all, and I never did again.

I've benefitted from learning to respect privacy more as well; I don't share nearly as much on social media as I used to and it's protected me from a lot of the drama and disappointment I used to deal with as a result. It's also more fun to have limits on what/when/with whom you share because it makes things more special.

There were some great responses in this thread that I hope to keep with me as we go into our marriage! 2.5 years is just a blink compared to the time I hope we will spend together in our lives! There will be so much more to learn, mistakes to make and lessons to learn from.

It really annoys me to hear any husband or wife bash the other. My husband died very suddenly three years ago September and I miss him terribly. They can be taken from us in the blink of an eye. The holidays are the worst. I hate them now. The void is so much larger today.I would love it if he were here doing one of the things that used to drive me nuts.  if your husband or wife is still living, give them a hug and do something nice for them. I wish I could.  

Bengalcatman said:

 
Husband here, I can assure everyone that it goes both ways. I hear lots of men disparage their wives. I don't care much for people who say those sorts of things, so I keep my distance from them. A person who feels the need to say things like that about their mate is really telling you more about themselves - and it is not a good commentary. 

A few years ago I had to work closely with a woman who talked nonstop about how terrible her husband was. I tried politely changing the topic, but she always came back to some story about how miserable/lazy/dumb etc her husband was. After three days of it (12 hour shifts no less!) I finally got tired of it. What I should have said was "I feel uncomfortable about discussing how bad your husband is all the time, can we perhaps avoid this topic? Unfortunately what came out was "I am starting to think there is something really wrong with you for A) telling all this to a near stranger and B) staying with such a jerk." She looked like I had slapped her, which in a way, I suppose I did. At least she stopped talking badly about him to me.

I will never be as good at cleaning up around the house as my wife, I don't even know where to start. On cleaning days she tells me what to do and I go do it - I am responsible for half the mess, I am gonna help clean up. When she works a long day, she comes home to a clean cat box, cats fed, bird feeders full, dishes done and put away and dinner started or ready. There is no way I am letting her tired and stressed self come home to yet more to do. If I miss something she doesn't care because she knows where my heart is coming from.

We are in the middle of a renovation on our home. My wife ties her pretty red hair back, puts on old clothes and is right beside me. She can't use a hammer very well, she is afraid of the nail gun and she can't lift an 80 pound bag of concrete. But she hands me the hammer, reloads the nail gun and holds the door for me when I carry the bag of concrete. She can spackle, sand and finish sheetrock, install insulation and paint, polyurethane and caulk with the best of them. I don't get mad if she makes a mistake, she is doing her best.

My wife and I enjoy doing things together. I don't enjoy everything we do together, but even after 25 something years, I enjoy simply being with her. That's why we are together. We are not "lucky" in this, we worked hard for it! 

Just for the men. Really. Women can stop reading right here. Want some intimate time with your wife? Forget the flowers and go do the laundry and clean up the house. Take her shopping at her favorite place and help her pick something out (no sighing, eye rolling or impatience.) Hold the door open for her. Treat her like she is the most special woman in the world, if you don't feel that way - that's your problem buster - you picked her - man up, deal with it and act the part. Do this stuff every day. But don't be a doormat either, pick the restaurant and tell her what dress to wear. Think she is fat? Go get on the scale yourself, are you are fat too? Get on a diet and go to the gym. In time, she will probably follow your lead. After all that stuff: back to the flowers. Take her to a nice park and pick a few for her, when you get home help her find a vase and get a scissor to trim the stems. Don't worry, she will arrange them. 

Eric

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 I love everything you had to say.  I understand the doing things together.  I didn't get married to spend time away from my husband.  We do have our own interests and I need alone time (which DH recognizes); but having things we love to do together is such a help!  Ordinary things too; but I love doing home projects with him!  We've been painting rooms together since we were first dating and he was cleaning up our old house.  My mother and step-dad tend to argue when they do house projects like that together.  But they enjoy each other in ways that suit their interests.  Over the years I have come to see that we balance each other.  Where he is strong; I am weak.  Where he is weak; I am strong.  Not 100% of the time; but often.  It's those differences that play a part in what attracted you to them in the first place.  Then you get married and people begin to find things annoying.  I had to try to explain that to a friend once.  She and her boyfriend (another friend of ours) were in that phase of dating where you are ironing out differences and really getting to know each other.  It just didn't dawn on her that the things she was gripping about were his strengths and why they were so good together!  She used to compliment my marriage; without knowing the work that went into it.  It's work done behind closed doors!  It's learning to grow together even when it's hard.  I read a book once (fiction but written with a marriage and family counselor's input) and the message of the book was "Love is a choice."  It truly is.  Love is not emotion 100% of the time.  It's a nice emotion when it's there.  But sometimes it's choosing to treat another person with love; in spite of _____.  (Obviously I'm not advocating staying in an abusive situation or something like that!)

Kat0121 said:

 
It really annoys me to hear any husband or wife bash the other. My husband died very suddenly three years ago September and I miss him terribly. They can be taken from us in the blink of an eye. The holidays are the worst. I hate them now. The void is so much larger today.I would love it if he were here doing one of the things that used to drive me nuts.  if your husband or wife is still living, give them a hug and do something nice for them. I wish I could.

 

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I'm sorry for your loss.  Life truly is precious.  Maybe it's because I've been a military wife (and brat); but I try to remember stories like yours.  It helps you keep perspective in situations; be it marriage, parenting, friendships or just life in general.